Am I that ugly?

[Anonymous2001]

I am not sure who is wrong here, but I always feel like I am sort of a backup option. Let me share her complete story so that someone out here might be able to guide me where to go. So, after my 12th we met in college I was that shy type of kid who is afraid to talk to girls, but when I saw her walking in the room at that instant I don't know what got into me but my heart was telling me that "Yes bro she's the one". Everyday wondering how to gather my courage and tell her about my feelings I would stay awake the whole night imagining various scenarios like "If I do this this will happen, if I do that, that will happen" so on and so forth. And mind you I am not good looking at all I am little fat and a bit ugly too. But I was good in studies so she used to come to me to clear her doubts so one day she was chatting with me and she started talking about if I have any crush. To be honest at that moment I thought "Yeah man this is the moment go ahead and confess it" so I did that I said her that "Yes you are my crush from the first day" and she laughed lol. She was laughing and saying that "Me? Really? I am not that beautiful that someone will have crush on me" to which I immidiately replied "No you are the most beautiful girl I have seen in my life" but since I was a bit shy I woke up early morning thinking that what if she tells about it to everyone in my class and everyone would make fun of me so I texted her "Hey it was a joke don't take it seriously please and I am sorry for doing like this" and I don't know what got into her she abused me really bad and I was heart broken so next day in college I tried to avoid her and keep my distance so that she doesn't say anything to me in college.

Months passed and we chatted even more and more then later on I realised that she had feelings for some other guy in the same class. I was broken when I realised that it was not me. And after which she told me "I am sorry but I cannot talk to you anymore please don't judge me but I do really love him" . On hearing that I was broken even more and I stopped chatting with her. Then 7 days later she texted me again asking how I was and what I was doing. I replied "Yeah I am fine what about you?". Then she said that " I am sorry I shoud have not asked you to go like this please forgive me" to which I said "Its okay no issues". Then this girl and that boy started getting even more close and one day the girl realises that this boy already had two girlfriends and on realising that she was completely broken. She didn't told me this at that exact same date but since I was chatting with her everyday it was very easy for me to figure out that she was not okay then 10 days later, she accepted my proposal and I was really happy but just for about 5 days because that boy(whom she loved) broke with his girlfriend and was single again so she left me for him. 

That boy never ever loved her he wanted to go physical with her but that girl was not ready and for that he used to abuse her 3 days later she came back to me but unfortunately as I was really happy that she's with me, I used to call her cute names and all, and her mother saw our text and told about this to the girl's father. The girl was scolded very badly by her parents and she didn't replied to my texts at all. 2 days later when I was not able to figure out what happened to her I called her on her cell and she told me everything that her mother has seen our messages and her father has warned her not to talk to me. I was really sad because I thought I was saying our last goodbye. But then I sent her a song with a common friend of our and she told him to tell me to get lost and never text me ever again. Then later at night her father called me up and warned me to stay away from her or else he will report about me in the police.

So I did not bother her at all after that and approximately 55 days later she texted me again and saying "You are important to me so can we talk like we used to before?" I couldn't hold my happiness so I agreed. And eventually she said that she loves me few days later and we were in a relationship. We were happy for a month until she left me again for the same guy whom she loved and she gave the reason for our breakup that "You are too insecure about me and I don't wanna be tied like this". I begged her to stay with me and that I will improve myself but she was not ready to listen and she left me. To be honest I did not know at first that she was leaving me for the same guy again but I always had doubt in college since both of them used to sit together and walk together and eat together all the time. So I used to text her even after she broke up with me and I used to ask her that "Are you guys in a relationship(she and the boy she loved)." To which she replied "No we are just good friends and nothing else and our bonding is really strong." And somehow my gut feeling used to tell me that she is lying and then later on I found out that it was true. So I came to know that she allowed him to touch her inner thighs and rub her waist but used to stop him when he tried to touch her breasts. When he asks her to allow him to touch her breasts to she used to deny it and for that he abused her all the time. So she was broken and she came back to me. 

On realising what he did with her and how he abused her when she denied for going any further my blood started to boil but for me fixing her was more important so I asked her "Do you wanna come into a relationship with me?" I knew it was a bad time to ask but that was the only way I could have fixed her with my pure intentions and my love at first she hesitated but then she told me that "Yes I am ready" so the first few months were a bit tough for both of us because she was scared but at the end I was able to fix her and she used to love me so much until recently when on new year she was drinking alcohol and I tried to stop her she told me that she doesn't want to stay with me because I am always putting restrictions on her(not true at all I just asked her not to talk with that guy) but that day I cried on the phone and she finally agreed to stay with me then the next on her birthday she said that she was missing that boy and she wants him back in her life.

Actually she's a bit freaky and she wanted me to touch her waist and rub her thighs as the other boy used to do so I agreed on that and she stayed with me. And from that day onwards she never missed him although she used to check that boy's account from my account almost everyday. And I never complained about it because I could see her love for me in her eyes. But then today when I was a bit tired from a bit of work in the house and she did a facetime with me and in it she said "You are looking disgusting if we are meeting I am not gonna kiss you or anything" at first I ignored it because she had a habit to roast me as I am fatty and a bit ugly. But today I got irritated with that because she was saying it continuously and I got angry and turned off my camera and said that I don't wanna talk to her, she said "I was just joking come on Baby don't take it seriously" but then I was a bit hurt because she used to say that me often and its not like that she says it to me all the time sometimes she even tells me that I am looking hot and sexy but that happens very less mostly she just makes fun of my body and my looks. So today she also got angry and started using her phone instead of talking to me on seeing that I asked her "If you will say this to anyone that you are not looking good all the time he/she will get irritated too and its not just with me" she ignored me and started using her phone but like I always do I tried to calm her down by telling her I am sorry and please forgive me but she ignored it too.

Later on I said that "I was hurt because of what you said to me and instead of being sorry you are getting angry on me because I was hurt?" She then said that you are free to leave if you don't want me. And that made me irritated even more so I asked her "Why is it always like this that I am very nice to you all the time and then you treat me like trash?" She ignored it too. Then I cut the call because I was really angry and afraid at the same time that if I will say any ill words to her she will probably leave. So then she texted me if you think that I am going to pick up the topic of breaking up right now then you are wrong and instead you will break up with me on your own. To which I replied that I don't want any breakup. Then she said that "Whatever it is I don't wanna talk to you so get lost" but I kept on asking for forgiveness and then she told me "Go on, turn on the stove and burn yourself I don't care about you, get lost". She didn't broke up with me but she said like this. And I tried to make it a joke like "If I will burn myself then whom she will roast?" To which she replied "*** off and don't message me". 

PS: She didn't broke up with me till now but she isn't talking with me either. And yeah one more thing she said it herself that she used to check out hot guys whenever she sees one and she could not take her eyes from that guy. Although I used to get hurt but still she used to say that. And just after that she used to force me to go to gym and get a good physique and I swear I want to do it but because of this Covid I am not doing it right now. And after every fight she gets ready for breakup so I don't know what to do and what not to so anyone out there please guide me although I know this story of mine is bit messy but all of this true. And the fact that she asked to go and burn myself even after fixing her from pieces to helping her make every decision in her life broke me really bad. 

[Jibralta]

I think it's great that you overcame your insecurities and got together with a girl that you really liked.

But now I think you have to move on. She is not the right girl for you.

She can't make up her mind. But most importantly, she is mean to you, and that is never ok!!

[Rose Mosse]

She goes back and forth between people so that should be a good indicator that someone probably isn't in the right mind for anything serious. You're too emotionally attached to her. Being with a partner shouldn't be about fixing. What you see is what you get. Don't try fixing anyone. 

She doesn't respect you either every time you keep taking her back. It means that you keep accepting how she treats you. You're a doormat and a backup option. And please don't ever accept that kind of negativity about your looks or weight or your body. 

[SooSad33]

She is nasty and controlling you. She does not truly appreciate you, more using you and treating you badly 😞 

But, you refuse to see it and walk away because you've always wanted her so badly.

Remember this.... with every joke, there is a little truth.  She is insulting you, and she is treating YOU badly!  This guy who would take her in then push her away or treat her badly- she is doing much the same to you!

But you won't admit it.. because you feel so much for her.

So, question yourself on why you will accept this type of treatment?

All of this will never do you any good.. but make you feel worse.

You NEED to be stronger than this and not let her be like this with you.  She has issue's...

So, fight all of this and get away from her.. You might have some insecurities, but being around this will just make this even worse for you . 😞 

Be strong... and move on.

In time you will find someone who does actually appreciate you and enjoy your company.

[boltnrun]

No, you're not ugly.  But her behavior is.

I'm sorry your first experience with love had to be with someone like her. But if you break away from her for good, you have a chance to meet someone who truly loves you and will treat you well.

[smackie9]

I get it the reason you are here is to figure this out and possibly fix it. Things were going good at first but what happened? She's not a good person dude. She only cares about herself, is a manipulator, messes with your head, his head and anyone she comes in contact with. All this is for her entertainment. I say she's a narcissist, immature, selfish. A person that is unfeeling, lacks empathy, can be cruel. You can sit there all you want and say she's the one, she's so beautiful, but as a human being she is not. She has taken advantage of your feelings for her. She sees that as weakness, and preys on that. It's so horrible dude, don't put up with that. You have done so well building up your self confidence, getting yourself in good shape, don't lose that because of her. Look, it may not be what you want to hear, but there is better out there. If you keep working on yourself, keep more positive, have good caring people in your life, you will find the one that truly deserves a great guy like you. Eraser her, go forward.

[waffle]

Yet your question is "am I ugly?"  What made you think this is about looks?

[MissCanuck]

This girl is a mean little jerk. 

It is not about your looks. It is about her selfish and immature attitude. You need to let go of her. She's not The One.