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Why is it hard to let go


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Hey everyone. I’m not sure if I am looking for confirmation or comfort or what, but I need help. I’ve been dating this guy for a little over a year. Have you ever been in a relationship where you know you deserve better but for some reason you stay? Or you think that maybe you are asking for too much and your expectations are too high so you convince yourself that what you have is good enough?
 

i am just really tired. I feel like he constantly puts me down. I’m always encouraging him and love hearing his successes at work. But he quickly changes the subject when I start talking about mine. I can’t tell you how many times he complains about spending money on me by just going out to eat. So many times I just end up paying for the whole meal or at least my half. As a woman, it’s nice to feel like your man wants to take you out every once in awhile.  If I bring up concerns, he tells me I am crazy and too sensitive.

I was gone for two weeks, and when I was flying back into town, I wanted to see him. He had worked 65 hours that week and wanted to go play poker at the casino instead. I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t want to see his girlfriend. He told me I was a child for not understanding that he works really hard for his money and deserves to spend it however he likes. He said how he’s unhappy and just wants to do what he wants to do and not feel guilty about it then broke up with me (over text). I was obviously hurt. I feel like my self esteem is so low. I just need some confirmation that I’m not crazy for being upset he didn’t want to see me and instead go to the casino. He ended up calling and texting me at 2 am about how much money he lost snd that he hates the casino and is never going back and misses me and wishes I was there etc. I’m just exhausted. I hope I’m not alone in this. 

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12 minutes ago, Easchm0494 said:

Have you ever been in a relationship where you know you deserve better but for some reason you stay? Or you think that maybe you are asking for too much and your expectations are too high so you convince yourself that what you have is good enough?

 

- Yup, insulting and not even trying to care to understand or support you.  He makes you feel like a chore. 😞   And he is selfish!

 

14 minutes ago, Easchm0494 said:

He said how he’s unhappy and just wants to do what he wants to do and not feel guilty about it then broke up with me (over text). I was obviously hurt. I feel like my self esteem is so low. I just need some confirmation that I’m not crazy for being upset he didn’t want to see me and instead go to the casino. He ended up calling and texting me at 2 am about how much money he lost snd that he hates the casino and is never going back and misses me and wishes I was there etc

Keyword : Unhappy.  He's a miserable man.. and unable to tend to you as his partner.

Be glad the trash too itself out... (breaking up) .. Let him go.  Not bring you down with him.

And don't respond to that.. the guy was uncaring to you and he walked away.  He deserves no more of your time or energy.

Self love ❤️ 

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The reason you feel you can do better than this is because you can. 

You're settling for a bad relationship with a problem gambler and emotionally abusive situation.

The sooner you cut your losses, the sooner you'll heal from all the headaches and heartaches with aa guy like this.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Sadly, he does not care about or respect you.   I hope you will finally be done with this abusive jerk, so that you can find someone who values you.

Please don't jump into another relationship, as you need to understand why you would stay with some who treats you like garbage.

Block and delete this creep.   You do also realize that he has an addiction?

Edited by Hollyj
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Well, firstly don't date a gambler because they just gamble away all their money! My old room-mates father was addicted to gambling and he gambled away all their money. The kids hardly ever even got Christmas presents and they lost their house and had to live in a trailer. And he kept moving around a lot because he owed people money all the time. Yes it's a red flag that he'd rather gamble at the casino than see his girlfriend after not seeing you for two weeks. And he treats you bad in general too. I hope you won't ever take him back!

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It was probably on the rocks for awhile and you stay. When you stay you're accepting the situation as-is. You can't change someone or their ways. It'll get better the sooner you realize this. Do you live together?

Go on and start dabbling a bit more with your own activities and hobbies. When I was starting to realize a relationship wasn't healthy for me every time I felt the urge to do something nice or try to make up for the affection or love I wasn't getting in the relationship, I had to consciously stop myself and take care of me. This means actually checking every thought or action that wasn't healthy and turning it back around or retraining my mind to nurture myself instead of nurturing an unhealthy situation or relationship. 

You can do that also. Change what you're doing accepting this in your life and start taking care of you. All those nice things you want to do with him or experience in your life? Do it for yourself. 

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Once I hear the word "Casino", I'm out.    Money management is so important in a relationship (as cold as that sounds) that if you guy chooses to go there instead of seeing you, massive red flag with flashing red lights and loud siren too!
I don't mean any disprespect to those who enjoy gambling, but there a more horror stories than fun glories in the confines of those buildings.

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I do know how you feel.  Losing some people is not a loss.  It's actually a gain.  

I think a lot of what you wrote is very true of what all people want in a relationship- someone excited to see us, that wants to splurge on us once in a while (whether its material or not, not the point) and is supportive and leans on us, too.

The problem is not what you are asking for or what you expect.  It's who you are expecting it from.  Sometimes we hear the word relationship and we are so happy to be in one. We don't realize.  This isn't what we want.  

Start being good to yourself.  Take all that love, appreciation and understanding and give it to yourself.  Treat yourself.  Do what you want, for you!  Be nice to you! And leave this guy in the dust.  He doesn't deserve you.  Actions speak louder than words.  Take your power back.  

He is a loser at both the casino and with you.  You can find better, but you gotta get past this first.

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21 hours ago, Easchm0494 said:

 

Wow, he is some piece of work.  🙁

It's hard to let go because whatever good traits he has, is the part that's hard to let go.  Many people have both good and bad traits.  The reality is, the bad outweighs good traits which is the intolerable part.  This is why it's hard for you to let go.  You need to remind yourself of what you look upon with great disdain and once it's ingrained into you more and more as time marches on, then you'll be convinced that it won't be so hard to let go of him anymore.  In fact, you'll feel actually relieved and say, "Good riddance!"

You deserve better and you're hanging on by staying because perhaps you're secretly holding out hope for him and your relationship with him.  Again, the reality is both of you are incompatible, have different personalities and characteristic traits. 

As my mother said, "You can never change a man."  He is who he is.  You don't have to like this statement but you have to realize this is true. 

Your expectations are not too high and what you have with him is NOT good enough!  You deserve to be treated with love and respect.  He does neither!  He does not treat you as if you matter. 

He changes the subject if the conversation does not revolve around him.  He's very selfish and self-centered.  Then he tells you that you're crazy and insensitive.  What a guy. 

He's gaslighting you.  Google "gaslighting."  He deflects, changes the subject, changes your perception of the facts, leaves you feeling confused, labels you as the crazy one and those are all typical tactics of a gaslighter and their psychological warfare.  It's nothing I hadn't experienced before.  I'm a seasoned veteran of being on the receiving end of classic gaslighting which is nasty and ugly.  Gaslighters are masters at twisting your words and distorting what you've said.  It's a forever losing battle with a gaslighter.  Run for the hills! 

He's too cheap to pay for the restaurant bill -- even once in a while yet he has no qualms to gamble hard money at a casino.  Gambling is another red flag.  What a cheapskate when it comes to money for anyone except himself, what he wants and how he chooses to spend his money.  I despise stingy, tightwad type people!  🙁

Then he grovels by texting you at 2AM, regrets losing money while gambling at the casino and professes how much he misses you.  Give me a break.  I hear violins already.  😟You need to dump him.  He's not worth the dirt underneath your feet. 

Tell him it's time to permanently go your separate ways.  Wish him well (to be diplomatic), request that he honors and respects your request and that you are officially dissolving all contact with him.  Request that he not contact you anymore.  Be clear, gentle, respectful yet very FIRM.  There is a way to remain polite and well mannered even if these subjects are uncomfortable.  If he's relentless, you gave him fair warning so ignore, ghost, block and delete him permanently. 

You deserve to be treated with respect by a very moral man who knows the definition of honor, values, integrity and treating you with utmost dignity and class.  Never accept anything less of a man or any person, period.  Set your priorities straight.

 

Edited by Cherylyn
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I'm sorry but you deserve so much better than this and have every right to be upset. Frankly, he's testing your boundaries to see if you'll "stick around" and how much he can get away with. Probably has narcissistic tendencies.

Even though it's going to be hard, you should go into no contact with him and let him respectfully know you want to move forward with someone who appreciates your time.

The only thing worse than the pain of dealing with the breakup is having this be your life for the next 50 years...

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Yes, dated a man like that for 4 months and he made it feel like it was a really long time 😂.   He complained about everything... buying food for us, driving out to pick me up, etc.

Just tell yourself that every minute you waste with someone not right for you, you are missing out on time you could be spending be free to meet someone right.

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Many stay because they live on hope. Hope that things will get better, hope that things will go back to what it once was when you first started dating. Ask yourself...what is your excuse? No self worth, no self esteem? Why is that? What makes you hang on? What are your thoughts?

Edited by smackie9
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On 3/11/2021 at 10:01 PM, Easchm0494 said:

I’m just exhausted. I hope I’m not alone in this. 

You'r not alone in general, as there are plenty of people who keep gaslighting themselves into believing that the relationship they want and deserve is somehow not attainable, so they might was well settle for mistreatment from someone who takes them for granted.

Is that really better than taking some time to be alone and learn how to grow comfortable in one's own skin solo?

From there, you'd be able to screen out bad matches and pursue a relationship that adds TO your life and lifts you UP. While you're doing that, you could be happy knowing that such a relationship is now possible for you because you've liberated yourself from a life sentence with someone who will never give you what you want.

But as far as being alone NOW? Yup. That's you. Unfortunately, you're learning that it's possible to feel more alone while in a bad relationship than you're likely to feel without such a guy.

Head high, write more if it helps, and consider what it would feel like to love and respect your SELF.

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