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My husband recently confessed about cheating on me while we were engaged. This happened 27 years ago . If this happened yesterday I would have left the relationship no questions asked .  I’m furious and feel like how can someone say that they love you and do this to you .we have two grown children in their early 20’s .  I don’t trust him anymore. And I am feeling like he never really got rid of her . Like he always went to her when we had a fight . But I’m not certain. Would you end a marriage of 27 years if you found out your husband cheated while you were engaged? From years ago 

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IMO, he could felt uncertain at that time.. or unsettled..?  But he did end up marrying you and stayed.. But I am sure now, with this admittance, makes you wonder.

Do you know why he's been reaching out/ talking to her when you two would fight?

If I was certain he did not cheat while with you all of these years, not sure you should necessarily leave the relationship, as that was so many years ago...

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He also told me recently that she lived around the corner from us when we were first married. He never told me then but I do remember him telling me to not go down a certain street which was hers . Why would he hide her? Also I think that he kept her around because we separated twice and I also recently found out that he was seeing her . She just so happens to be available every time. She’s been divorced 3x’s already. And he told me he was missing her because he just started dirt biking again and she would go with him back then . Idk something stinks 

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What?  Whoaaa... He said he was missing her- recently?

You found out he was seeing her.. before you two got involved & married?

At first, you said  he cheated when you were engaged.. so you are pretty sure he's done more since?

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4 hours ago, Pink26 said:

 I am feeling like he never really got rid of her . Like he always went to her when we had a fight . 

Sorry this is happening. Why did he suddenly confess this after 27 years?

Do you think he's had affairs all along?

You've been estranged for a while now and having your own own emotional affairs.

You claim you want to find work and leave him.

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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We were having problems and he mentioned out of the blue that he visited a lawyer . ( this was two years ago ) basically the lawyer told him that he was screwed . We decided to work things out because we have a child in college. We planned a weekend getaway and he confessed that he wanted to divorce because he was thinking about his old girlfriend now that he is involved with his old hobby.He confessed that she used to go with him all the time and I didn’t know it . And he confessed and said that before that we were married she begged him not to marry me . She lived around the corner from us when we were first married and he didn’t tell me about also forbid me to go down the street that she lived on . It made me question a lot of things. Like what else is he lying about . He really hasn’t been that nice to me either . I am questioning and my intuition is telling that he has been unfaithful through the years . If I try to talk to him about it . he screams at me . Which is also a sign to me . I just want a confession. I think that I deserve that much . But I feel like I will never get one . I just feel like I need one in order to move forward. 

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Sorry to hear this. It sounds like his attorney told him it was cheaper to stay married. So he just has affairs.

Keep in mind if you are unemployed you can still talk with an attorney and depending, he may have to pay for your attorney as well as his as well as spousal maintenance.

 No one can "forbid" you to go someplace.

Edited by Wiseman2
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4 hours ago, Pink26 said:

He really hasn’t been that nice to me either . I am questioning and my intuition is telling that he has been unfaithful through the years . If I try to talk to him about it . he screams at me . Which is also a sign to me . I just want a confession.

Why put up with the abuse? If it's that important to have your suspicions confirmed, hire a private investigator. Don't kick a hornet's nest.

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4 hours ago, Pink26 said:

We were having problems and he mentioned out of the blue that he visited a lawyer . ( this was two years ago ) basically the lawyer told him that he was screwed . We decided to work things out because we have a child in college. We planned a weekend getaway and he confessed that he wanted to divorce because he was thinking about his old girlfriend now that he is involved with his old hobby.He confessed that she used to go with him all the time and I didn’t know it . And he confessed and said that before that we were married she begged him not to marry me . She lived around the corner from us when we were first married and he didn’t tell me about also forbid me to go down the street that she lived on . It made me question a lot of things. Like what else is he lying about . He really hasn’t been that nice to me either . I am questioning and my intuition is telling that he has been unfaithful through the years . If I try to talk to him about it . he screams at me . Which is also a sign to me . I just want a confession. I think that I deserve that much . But I feel like I will never get one . I just feel like I need one in order to move forward. 

What you deserve is to live your life cheater free and in peace.

As for wanting a cheater to admit that he was cheating on you all along, honestly, you'll have better luck breaking into Fort Knox.

Your marriage sounds like it's been highly toxic for years and years. Your husband already has an upper hand over you in that he has talked to a divorce lawyer. You'd be very very smart to go talk to a few of the top pitbull divorce lawyers yourself. Talking and learning about your rights and options doesn't mean you have to file for divorce today. Just get educated. Do not sit around and wait on your hubby to start quietly stashing away money, running up credit debt in preparation for a divorce. Remember....he already got legal advice and for now he found out that divorcing you will cost him too much. It doesn't mean he didn't discuss divorce planning, aka rearranging finances so that after 27 years you get left with nothing when he pulls that trigger. Do not live in denial here.

As for needing proof to find the courage to protect yourself....that's what a good PI is for and one of those lawyers you need to talk to can recommend a few for you to choose from along with other things you need to start doing to protect yourself from getting blindsided.

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He can't confess to anything you don't already know. When someone tells you a piece of information it should be useful. His words have no use anymore, a bit fragile and empty and integrity is lost.

You've lived too long with this, telling yourself that his confession is going to release you. It isn't. I guarantee you that even after he utters those words, you will have a new question you will want him to come out and confess or admit to. That line of thinking is damaging to you and going down a path that you don't need to go down. Don't let one question/answer lead to another. Stop things right there and answer those questions yourself. 

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We went to a wedding over the weekend and I think he was telling people that I wanted to go on  his all guy trip which isn’t true . But I think he was doing this because he wanted to belittle me and he does this all the time to me . So one of his friends point blank asked me if I wanted to go and I said my husband knows that I look forward to getting a break from him for a week. And then he looked at my husband and said oh sure she wants to go . I mean who would want to make their own wife feel terrible about themselves. 

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6 minutes ago, Pink26 said:

We went to a wedding over the weekend and I think he was telling people that I wanted to go on  his all guy trip which isn’t true . But I think he was doing this because he wanted to belittle me and he does this all the time to me . So one of his friends point blank asked me if I wanted to go and I said my husband knows that I look forward to getting a break from him for a week. And then he looked at my husband and said oh sure she wants to go . I mean who would want to make their own wife feel terrible about themselves. 

I think you know you need to leave this guy.  Why put yourself through this? 

Also I don't understand the reason to stay together for an adult child. Can you explain this a little more? Is it money? 

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So saying he's screwed is the only reason he won't be divorcing you? And revealing all those thoughts about another woman? He doesn't mind losing you, knowing that could be a dealbreaker for you. In fact, it sounds like he might get off on tormenting you with that info.

You've been married longer than 10 years, so if he has a pension, you're entitled to half. At the time of the divorce, if he has money in a retirement fund, you're entitled to half which is given to you in one lump sum. After the divorce, the sharing of retirement funds stop and what's yours is yours and what's his is his going forward. Don't be a doormat and say you want nothing. Life is expensive, and you need to protect and claim your assets.

If he's an added person on any of your bank or credit card accounts, remove him. Go to a lawyer without telling him. Don't leave the family home.(You can Google articles on why it's legally a bad idea). If he moved out leaving you with all the bills, you can take legal action to have him pay everything he was paying before. Move into another bedroom after this process has begun, or ask that he go to the extra room. Even if you had proof he never physically cheated, why would you remain in this toxic union?

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2 hours ago, Pink26 said:

And then he looked at my husband and said oh sure she wants to go . I mean who would want to make their own wife feel terrible about themselves. 

Why were  you at a wedding together as a couple, if you are talking divorce? 

Don't pay attention to rowdy wedding guests and weaponize it to demonize your husband.

Talk to an attorney not a bunch of drinking wedding guests.

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2 hours ago, Pink26 said:

We went to a wedding over the weekend and I think he was telling people that I wanted to go on  his all guy trip which isn’t true . But I think he was doing this because he wanted to belittle me and he does this all the time to me . So one of his friends point blank asked me if I wanted to go and I said my husband knows that I look forward to getting a break from him for a week. And then he looked at my husband and said oh sure she wants to go . I mean who would want to make their own wife feel terrible about themselves. 

Of course that is belittling and dehumanizing. He's done everything in a person's power to demean you. He's cheated on you (still ongoing likely), he talks about you behind your back making you out to be a deranged wife and he doesn't respect you. Meanwhile, you continue to be a sitting duck for his abuse and he lords over what he likely calls his family while he is not a husband at all and a lousy example of a father or role model.

Change this. Change your life and start looking at options instead of letting your mental health unravel. 

 

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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2 hours ago, Pink26 said:

We went to a wedding over the weekend and I think he was telling people that I wanted to go on  his all guy trip which isn’t true . But I think he was doing this because he wanted to belittle me and he does this all the time to me . So one of his friends point blank asked me if I wanted to go and I said my husband knows that I look forward to getting a break from him for a week. And then he looked at my husband and said oh sure she wants to go . I mean who would want to make their own wife feel terrible about themselves. 

You are not addressing the big picture: cheating and a highly toxic relationship.   Complaining about the boys trip thing is not addressing the demise of your relationship.   Time to be smart, find an attorney and end the marriage.   Take some action!

 

Edited by Hollyj
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