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I don‘t know what we are but I know it‘s a mess. I just really like him.


Marihoney

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Hello guys,

this is my first post ever but I just don’t know what to do. Maybe someone here can help me.

I’m in my early 20s and my life has been a little messy the past years so this will be long (sorry!) 

My ex broke up with me almost two years ago. The relationship was very toxic and after the breakup I hit rock bottom. Until this day I’m still struggling with my mental health because the event triggered a lot of other issues too. My ex didn’t tell me why he left but he is still reaching out to me and sending me flowers. Which to me is insane and stupid.

but my real problem begins here:

In the current circumstances I don’t really meet new people irl. Also I don’t really want a new relationship after my last. So I distanced myself from dating. Right now I’m trying to take everything slow but I want to figure out what to do next. 

However a year ago I started talking to someone on Instagram I’ve met a long time ago in school on an exchange program to spain. First we texted in English since my English is better than my Spanish. But I want to better it so after a while we switched. (I’m German and live in Germany so it’s very complicated.)

I really liked him but I haven’t seen him in person in 6 years and I’ve never dated someone online. Therefore, I tried not interpret too much into it (also I was happy without the pressure of a relationship). We started sending pictures to each other but we never spoke on the phone or FaceTimed (which was ok for me because Spanish is not my native language).  Half a year later he ghosted me and posted pictures of a girl so I assumed he was dating someone. We weren’t excluded or anything so I didn’t care.

Last Christmas he texted me again and said he was sorry for not responding but he gave the relationship with his ex another try (which failed). I told him that it’s ok because we were not together but he should have told me. I normally never give guys more than one chance but here I don’t even really know what it is. 

We started texting again. This time I was careful and I told myself this is his last chance. After awhile we both were really busy and we kinda ran out of things to talk. I also was a little bit annoyed because he likes to be very sexual and talks about it a lot. It was convenient for me because at that time I started talking to an old friend who likes me more than just friends. He is a nice guy. I guess he would be a very good boyfriend who visits me in Germany or treats me well. I’m still talking to this “new” guy daily and I think he would want us to be serious (sadly it’s also a long distance and he is spanish).
Weirdly I started missing him a lot and I feel like I’ve fallen for him (which I tried to avoid!!!)

I know that he is probably not good for me and there are a lot of red flags. Since my breakup I never had this kind of feeling for anybody. I’m very attracted to him and I can’t stop talking to him. The other “new” guy is so sweet and perfect so he would be a better fit but sometimes I feel like we are not on the same wavelength. Or I might try to manipulate the situation. Sometimes I compare the two and my heart wants something different than my head. 

This is only a short version which is still very complicated.
I kind of already know that he’s probably only lonely or uses me for something. But otherwise he puts a lot of effort in and we understand each other. It’s not the same with someone else. I love talking to him and he says the sweetest stuff. 

What do you guys think? Should I talk to him about it or forget him? Should I focus on the other Guy? Is he just so sweet to me to have someone to talk to or satisfy his needs? But why does he always come back? 
 

thank you!! 
Mari

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I don't know how either of them are anything worthwhile if they're both long distance. Usually when we find ourselves attracted to someone that far away or indecisive about a person we're not very emotionally available ourselves or haven't thought through what we truly want in a partner (someone who would check off all our boxes). You seem to be going from person to person, each man who shows an interest in you, and limiting yourself to believe that this is all you get. There's more. 

You don't have to settle for either of these guys. In your early twenties it's fun to enjoy all this attention and think about dating or boys. Just never believe that that is all you get. Don't lead them on but I wouldn't take any of them seriously. 

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It seems you are attracting or attracted to unavailable men.  Often times if you have some unresolved issues, choosing men who you will have little or no chance of having a real time relationship with seems safer and therefore more attractive.

It's probably no surprise that the one man you could actually have a legitimate relationship (due to proximity) is your least choice.

This doesn't appear to be about which man to choose.  It's about taking a step back and addressing some things going on with yourself that prevents you from seeking out a real relationship instead of merely seeking electronic fantasy entertainment.   I understand for those who participate in these electronic relationships consider them real.  But you don't ever really know these people and the parts unknown are filled in with the fantasy of your choosing.

I also get hiding behind a screen probably makes you feel safe and it's less risky. But if you are witnessing, it never amounts to anything and stalls you from addressing some personal issues that would ultimately lead you to having a real fulfilling relationship.

Lastly, put a hard stop to the ex that sends flowers.  It still keeps you tied to the past and without a clean break you don't move fwd.. . no matter how much you think you have.  Besides, it's a cruel mixed message you don't deserve.

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It's fantastic that you have these great penpals and can practice international culture/language skills. However you should not mistake them for boyfriends.

Even with the pandemic and dating difficulties, you need to talk to local men if you want a boyfriend. 

Talk to trusted friends and family about your loneliness and mental health. 

Also see your doctor and get ongoing support from a therapist.

Hiding behind a screen in an imaginary romance is not that great. But keep your international penpals in addition to living in your real life.

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2 hours ago, Marihoney said:

In the current circumstances I don’t really meet new people irl. Also I don’t really want a new relationship after my last. So I distanced myself from dating. Right now I’m trying to take everything slow but I want to figure out what to do next. 

I sense a major contradiction here.

You say you don't want a new relationship, but you are pining over two different men, who aren't all that available to you IRL.?

Perhaps you are lonely and looking for some healing from your last break up and current life drama.   You say yourself "this is the short version, it's very complicated"

At this stage, it sounds like you are open to casual relationships, but nothing too serious.  Maybe that is what you need to approach, something light fun and casual.  You are young, so this is your chance to do "young" things.


 

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I feel you are pining for two because they are at arms length, which is safe for you. You can only do this for so long before they realize it's not going to go any further than what it is, am I right? You know it's a matter of time and that you will have to make a decision before they both move on and you are left with no one again.

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I suggest you do not get involved with either!  No more than friends.. I feel this will all blow up- and full of negatives soon enough and YOU just don't need this 😞 .

So, how about you only deal with these two as 'friends', and no expectations.  And be truthful about it.

So, don't lead them on to think otherwise.

IF you feel like you are ready to date now, do so more locally to you- No more long distance- that just adds to your stressors and you don't need any more of that, right?

With something like distance, there's a lot of challenges ie. How often can you truly get to see each other.... and what are they up to way over there.. (just so much harder).

How about your own mental health??  Are you still hurting?  Or do you feel better now?

 

 

 

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On 3/11/2021 at 11:53 AM, reinventmyself said:

It seems you are attracting or attracted to unavailable men.  Often times if you have some unresolved issues, choosing men who you will have little or no chance of having a real time relationship with seems safer and therefore more attractive.

It's probably no surprise that the one man you could actually have a legitimate relationship (due to proximity) is your least choice.

This doesn't appear to be about which man to choose.  It's about taking a step back and addressing some things going on with yourself that prevents you from seeking out a real relationship instead of merely seeking electronic fantasy entertainment.   I understand for those who participate in these electronic relationships consider them real.  But you don't ever really know these people and the parts unknown are filled in with the fantasy of your choosing.

I also get hiding behind a screen probably makes you feel safe and it's less risky. But if you are witnessing, it never amounts to anything and stalls you from addressing some personal issues that would ultimately lead you to having a real fulfilling relationship.

Lastly, put a hard stop to the ex that sends flowers.  It still keeps you tied to the past and without a clean break you don't move fwd.. . no matter how much you think you have.  Besides, it's a cruel mixed message you don't deserve.

I agree.  You are actively choosing people who are unavailable (safe).   I suggest that you seek out some therapy to deal with your issues with your ex, then you will be open to choosing someone who is good for you.  You  should also be dating local, no more long distance relationships.  

Cut off both guys, and work on you.

Have you blocked your ex and told him to leave you alone?

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My heart goes out to you. You haven't even seen, facetimed or spoken with the guy in 6 years.

So it's not that HE isn't good for you, it that you're falling in love with your own fantasies 'about' the guy.

That's pretty easy to do--the mind is a powerful thing. The problems come from trying to avoid the painful dis-illusion-ment of accepting that a fantasy is not reality.

I'd invest in learning how to embrace that disillusionment, and this involves investing, instead, in your REAL life.

It's hard to form a real life passion for self, career, talents, skills--or even finding love--whenever we compare starting at step 1 to the fabulous fantasy life you can live in your own head just by switching that ON.

So you may want to consider seeking the experience and help of a counselor or therapist who is trained in this stuff.

You are not alone. EVERYbody forms fantasy crushes at one point or another. Why do you think celebrities are so popular? But when you use fantasies to squelch out a healthy focus on living your real life to your fullest potential, that's not against the law, it's just not going to make you very happy.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank y‘all for your answers! I wasn‘t expecting so many but they really helped me with my problem.

I think writing about it and reading opinions of others gave me a different perspective. I normally hate this type of ‘relationship’ but at the moment I have no chance of meeting people in real life. My country is currently in our second lockdown and I’ve been mostly at home for a year. So even if I wanted I don’t have a lot of options. 
 

Also as many of you said I focus on people that are unavailable because I’m not ready for a relationship. However I try to avoid dating someone locally because my dream is to live abroad. So additionally to the scares from my last relationship I don’t want a  new relationship that holds me back. I know myself and I would give up too much for a person I love. Right now I just don’t want to risk my dreams. I’m struggling because of course I want to find someone But also I’m trying to learn to be comfortable alone if I’m not ready. It is always hard when problems like that come up. Also it’s definitely true that my fantasies are standing in my way.

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On 3/11/2021 at 8:59 PM, SooSad33 said:

I suggest you do not get involved with either!  No more than friends.. I feel this will all blow up- and full of negatives soon enough and YOU just don't need this 😞 .

So, how about you only deal with these two as 'friends', and no expectations.  And be truthful about it.

So, don't lead them on to think otherwise.

IF you feel like you are ready to date now, do so more locally to you- No more long distance- that just adds to your stressors and you don't need any more of that, right?

With something like distance, there's a lot of challenges ie. How often can you truly get to see each other.... and what are they up to way over there.. (just so much harder).

How about your own mental health??  Are you still hurting?  Or do you feel better now?

 

 

 

So sweet of you to ask! I have to say it’s been rough past years. The breakup caused my house of cards to collapse. So it’s not just the breakup on its own. The relationship was very draining and in addition to my own problems it was just too much. With everything going on it‘s still very hard for me to cope with everything.

But I am fighting to get better and to work on myself. Sometimes it’s just too much at once. Right now I’m better.

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On 3/13/2021 at 6:48 AM, Hollyj said:

I agree.  You are actively choosing people who are unavailable (safe).   I suggest that you seek out some therapy to deal with your issues with your ex, then you will be open to choosing someone who is good for you.  You  should also be dating local, no more long distance relationships.  

Cut off both guys, and work on you.

Have you blocked your ex and told him to leave you alone?

I have thought about therapy and I already had a type of last year. But at the moment I think that my ex and the relationship are not the pressing problem anymore. 
I think it’s more the things related to it and everything else that is going on. 
 

I’m often too nice so at the moment I’m learning to stop to please everyone. My ex contacted me a few times and I kind of thanked him for the flowers but after that at some point I didn’t want to answer anymore. It’s still hard for me because I don’t want to be mean or him to be mad. But that’s exactly what I try to overcome. 

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On 3/11/2021 at 6:08 PM, Betterwithout said:

I sense a major contradiction here.

You say you don't want a new relationship, but you are pining over two different men, who aren't all that available to you IRL.?

Perhaps you are lonely and looking for some healing from your last break up and current life drama.   You say yourself "this is the short version, it's very complicated"

At this stage, it sounds like you are open to casual relationships, but nothing too serious.  Maybe that is what you need to approach, something light fun and casual.  You are young, so this is your chance to do "young" things.


 

You are absolutely right. That’s exactly what I wish to do. The problem is at the moment I don’t really have the opportunity. So I guess I have to much time to overthink and to be stuck in my head.

I know that this is not the solution to loneliness or to heal. However normally I would be seeing other people in real and go out but right now I only have my phone and my mind that is going crazy. So I guess it explains a lot. 

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7 hours ago, Marihoney said:

I have thought about therapy and I already had a type of last year. But at the moment I think that my ex and the relationship are not the pressing problem anymore. 
I think it’s more the things related to it and everything else that is going on. 
 

I’m often too nice so at the moment I’m learning to stop to please everyone. My ex contacted me a few times and I kind of thanked him for the flowers but after that at some point I didn’t want to answer anymore. It’s still hard for me because I don’t want to be mean or him to be mad. But that’s exactly what I try to overcome. 

“Too nice” equates to low  esteem .  No one respects that. Stop fooling yourself.  Being a doormat is not nice to you. 
 

Block him, once and for all! 

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You can talk to whomever you want to and spend time with whomever you want to but learn to create more boundaries in your relationships, even if they are casual. You can find other ways of occupying yourself if dating casually isn't something you're comfortable doing. 

Your ex and the flowers should stop. I hope you tell him it's inappropriate and to please stop sending them. 

 

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6 hours ago, Marihoney said:

So sweet of you to ask! I have to say it’s been rough past years. The breakup caused my house of cards to collapse. So it’s not just the breakup on its own. The relationship was very draining and in addition to my own problems it was just too much. With everything going on it‘s still very hard for me to cope with everything.

But I am fighting to get better and to work on myself. Sometimes it’s just too much at once. Right now I’m better

- Keep taking care & working on YOU . You come first ❤️  ( knowing of what affected you in your past... and you are finding things still 'very hard'?

- If we can't do it, then we can't.  you are still young, and worst thing to do is lose yourself..again.

 

On 3/11/2021 at 10:00 AM, Marihoney said:

This is only a short version which is still very complicated.
I kind of already know that he’s probably only lonely or uses me for something. But otherwise he puts a lot of effort in and we understand each other. It’s not the same with someone else. I love talking to him and he says the sweetest stuff. 

this they often will, especially if 'they want something', so do be careful in this with your heart - Use your head 😉 .

- Remember your concerns.. he's probably lonely or uses you?

Any relationship can be testy.. IMO, you should not jump into anything for a good while.  Keep it simple and don't give or expect much, trying to learn of this guy.

Don't get yourself into something you can't handle.

 

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18 hours ago, Marihoney said:

However I try to avoid dating someone locally because my dream is to live abroad.

I understand that right now is not the greatest time to meet someone, but I'd consider keeping an open mind to screening potential dates to learn whether they might share such a goal.

What I would NOT do is create a cyber-fantasy relationship with a stranger abroad with a goal of moving to him in order to execute that fantasy. That's a perfect way to waste your time, at best, while putting your love life on hold--and we never get any wasted time back to relive over again. At worst, it could land you in danger. People disappear every day, especially women.

Head high, hang in there, and consider researching ways to discover some hidden interests or talents to pursue when things open back up. The richer your real life becomes, the less attractive living in your head will become.

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