How do I show her she comes first in my life?

[boltnrun]

So that was the "horse farm" she was so busy with. Unfortunately it was obvious something was going on.

I'm sorry this happened, but you are well rid of her.

[MissCanuck]

34 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So that was the "horse farm" she was so busy with. Unfortunately it was obvious something was going on.

Indeed. In this very thread, I urged OP to ask her exactly who she was staying with, for this very reason. It was clear that she was lying and trying to deflect to cover up what she was really doing. 

OP, I'm very sorry that you've had it confirmed, directly from her. She doesn't love you anymore, and does not respect you at all. It's time to walk away from her forever. She's already gone, emotionally.  You deserve much better than this.

[dishrag]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Indeed. In this very thread, I urged OP to ask her exactly who she was staying with, for this very reason. It was clear that she was lying and trying to deflect to cover up what she was really doing. 

OP, I'm very sorry that you've had it confirmed, directly from her. She doesn't love you anymore, and does not respect you at all. It's time to walk away from her forever. She's already gone, emotionally.  You deserve much better than this.

She used a name of a person from the horse farm when I asked her.  I met this girl at the horse farm, but was still suspicious.  She told me when she spent the weekend with this girl, the girl suggested she try scallops for the first time.  I said I'd be interested in making them at home, and what restaurant she got them from because I'd love to look up their menu to see how they are prepared.  She said "it was takeout and I don't remember."  So, I asked her to message the girl and find out what restaurant.  Never happened, because this was a lie.  

I'm glad that she told me, directly, because if I had told her what I knew, she would have lied to cover it up.  

[Tinydance]

Well dude you really dodged a bullet there! Only a bad person would repeatedly cheat and lie, and above all else blame you for it all. If she wanted to break up and be with that guy then she should have had the guts to actually tell you! Instead she kept saying everything was your fault! It's her problem if she can't handle that people on YouTube like you and she was clearly jealous. She sounds very insecure. Even if she actually thought you don't love her, that's because she's in her own head. She's the one that has issues. After five years she just went and did this to you behind your back. Good riddance to bad rubbish!

[dishrag]

7 hours ago, Tinydance said:

 It's her problem if she can't handle that people on YouTube like you and she was clearly jealous. 

The guy she cheated on me with is a YouTuber like me.  We know each other.  We've collaborated together.  That's what makes this even worse in my mind.  It wasn't all the time I spent recording, editing, interacting because if it was, she wouldn't go be with him. 

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, dishrag said:

The guy she cheated on me with is a YouTuber like me.  We know each other.  We've collaborated together.  That's what makes this even worse in my mind.  It wasn't all the time I spent recording, editing, interacting because if it was, she wouldn't go be with him. 

When things aren't all sunshine and roses with him she may try to get you back. Be prepared.

[DancingFool]

15 minutes ago, dishrag said:

The guy she cheated on me with is a YouTuber like me.  We know each other.  We've collaborated together.  That's what makes this even worse in my mind.  It wasn't all the time I spent recording, editing, interacting because if it was, she wouldn't go be with him. 

I hope in a way that this makes it clear to you that her double life was never about you or what you were or weren't doing for her. Cheaters never want to take responsibility for their actions and will always blame everyone else for their own horrible lack of character. Bottom line is that cheaters cheat because it's a power trip - I'm doing something to you that you don't know about. Both of them are disordered creeps.

She has spent quite some serious time lying to you and gaslighting you. Please do not ever blame yourself for that. The only thing that makes a person cheat is their own garbage character. Decent people, if unhappy will either address it or walk away. They won't lead a double life and come home to share a bed with you.

[dishrag]

14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

When things aren't all sunshine and roses with him she may try to get you back. Be prepared.

Thank you.  I've got a great support group of friends constantly reminding me that I need to stay strong with this one.  It's too easy to fall back.

[dishrag]

2 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

I hope in a way that this makes it clear to you that her double life was never about you or what you were or weren't doing for her. Cheaters never want to take responsibility for their actions and will always blame everyone else for their own horrible lack of character. Bottom line is that cheaters cheat because it's a power trip - I'm doing something to you that you don't know about. Both of them are disordered creeps.

She has spent quite some serious time lying to you and gaslighting you. Please do not ever blame yourself for that. The only thing that makes a person cheat is their own garbage character. Decent people, if unhappy will either address it or walk away. They won't lead a double life and come home to share a bed with you.

Thank you for understanding and for your compassion for me.  I'm working on not blaming myself.  It's hard but I'm working on it.  

[dishrag]

I saw a mutual friend share something today, called, Dear Future Boyfriend.  It looked like a great way to get feelings out there.  I wouldn't share this with a future girlfriend, but it helps to get my feelings on paper.  It looks back over the past few weeks.  I don't, I won't blame myself for this.  I'm better than this.

 

Dear future girlfriend: If you have needs, share them, don't hide them, because I'll put a 100% effort into helping meet them. If you open your heart and be vulnerable with me, I'll be vulnerable right back because emotional connection is my #1 personality need. If you think there are problems in the relationship, give me feedback and an opportunity to fix it, because I love to diagnose problems and want true harmony in a relationship. If we can't figure it out together, I will pay a professional for assistance as I firmly believe in using couple's therapy to get through it. I'm comfortable admitting that we can't resolve all our problems some times and if we agree to part ways in therapy, it would allow us both necessary healing.

If we make it to 5 years together, don't cheat on me because you had unmet needs that I didn't know about and decided that seeking out how to get them met elsewhere was appropriate. Don't lie to me because you couldn't cope with the guilt of cheating on me. Don't tell me that I have issues when I give you an opportunity to be brutally honest because your behavior makes me feel so empty and lost. Don't gaslight me into believing I'm the problem so I'm distracted away from my suspicions. Don't accept my apology when I assume blame for why you are pushing me away, lying to me and gaslighting me. Don't allow me to look so deep into how I failed this relationship that I express shame while you are hiding an affair.

Don't let your new man's girlfriend contact me with all the details of the month-long affair because she needs me to know so I can protect myself. Don't lie for 15 minutes when you're told that I know the truth and need to hear it from you because I need closure. Don't apologize for cheating on me and then say "I didn't think you wanted me. I didn't think you loved me." Don't explain the gaslighting as legitimate concerns for my well being. Don't pressure me into hiding facts from my friends as I try to develop new connections that allow me to heal from this. Know that I truly care about you and love you, but do not love your behaviors. Know that it kills me to write these words because I truly don't want anything but good things for you in the future but I can't stay quiet like you want me to. Don't let this eat me up inside. Take time to experience your emotions, cope with your guilt, address everything with a professional therapist and find healthy ways to improve your life.

But mostly... Don't lie to me. It just hurts too much.

[Hollyj]

What are your ages?

[Batya33]

Wow -what you cut and pasted is so very negative and makes so many negative assumptions!  It has nothing to do with her meeting this person -if it were not him it would have been someone else she behaved inappropriately with /cheated with.  She didn't cheat because of "unmet needs".  Much more basic. She cheated because she wanted to.  People move towards pleasure and away from pain. She is a person who chose to move towards pleasure and her values justified her actions - she did not value being loyal and keeping her promises.  I'm sorry.

[DancingFool]

OP cheating is NOT about any kind of unmet needs. Cheaters don't communicate because there is nothing to communicate on their end. They like the "arrangement" and will try to get away with it for as long as possible and will use any excuse for cover, be it "horse farm" or "working late" or "business trip".

Cheating is a bit like having a quart of ice cream in the freezer at home. She wanted some, she ate it. But then she went out and saw an ice cream truck with different flavors and she had more ice cream even though she just ate some at home. It doesn't even matter if the ice cream at home is the most unique, expensive, made by a 5 star chef or just plain vanilla. It's an impulse with zero thought given to anything or anyone else but filling that impulse. ALL that goes through a cheater's mind is "I'm entitled to take and do whatever I want." You can't fix that level of entitlement in a person or talk it through. All you can do is get rid of them and never look back.

 

[dishrag]

36 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

OP cheating is NOT about any kind of unmet needs.

It's an impulse with zero thought given to anything or anyone else but filling that impulse. 

 

She stated she had unmet needs but was afraid to address them.  This is common for fearful/avoidant attachment, which is what she is.  If she had asked, she never would have told her self she was unloved and unwanted.

She presents cluster B disorder traits.  Impulsiveness is one of them.  That's likely why she did what she did.

[DancingFool]

36 minutes ago, dishrag said:

She stated she had unmet needs but was afraid to address them.  This is common for fearful/avoidant attachment, which is what she is.  If she had asked, she never would have told her self she was unloved and unwanted.

She presents cluster B disorder traits.  Impulsiveness is one of them.  That's likely why she did what she did.

Every single cheater states exactly this - unmet needs, was mysteriously unhappy for years but somehow never shared that with you. This is literally the definition of gaslighting and blame shifting. Funny thing is that these types of people are actually very conscious of the judgment they will get for cheating and so are very eager to manage their image, aka blame their SO for their misdeeds. Everything from some vague unhappiness to that one time you didn't take the trash out fast enough. Any excuse will do, no matter how absurd. So please please do not accept that or ever blame yourself. You literally do not have the human or the superhuman power to make someone cheat. She did that all by herself.

Yes, she is likely some kind of cluster B as those are the types to cheat almost invariably so. Again, not your fault, not something you could ever control. Quite frankly, it's not really a mentality you can ever understand or relate to. You are normal and will keep revolving around normal behavior - if only she had spoken up. That's what normal people do - speak up, attempt to address issues and if failing, then walk away. Normal people do not lead doubles lives. Period. 

The only thing to understand about cheaters is that they lie about everything to everyone, including themselves - about their life, about their relationships, about every single aspect of their lives. Sure there may be some truth mixed in there somewhere, buuut remember that the best and most convincing lies always contain nuggets of truth.

It's good that you recognize that she is some kind of disordered, but what I really hope is that it leads you to awareness and fixing your picker so you don't end up with someone similar again. You come across as a very kind and caring person and unfortunately those are the very qualities that attract users and abusers (cheating is a form of abuse, btw). It's on you to have firm boundaries, identify those types, and figure out how to get those kinds of people out of your life and keep them out of your life for good.

[Batya33]

Nope .  People cheat because they choose the benefit of the pleasures involved over the risks and consequences -it's always a choice it's not about some fancy psychological label- unless she does not have a functioning brain/ability to discern right from wrong/dementia etc she made the choice.  Not "because" of anything other than because ..... she felt like it.  Even if someone is drunk or stoned -they chose to drink and therefore chose the consequences.  Someone who has unmet needs has the choice of leaving their partner first, then addressing the so-called unmet needs.

[dishrag]

Thank you all for reminding me of things I need to remind myself.  I'm grateful.

I started taking the steps toward healing my broken heart, today. All I can hope for is that over time, the pain will pass and I will be able to reflect on the memories of the best times in my life. It's hard to forget about the life we were going to have, and learn to accept these very scary unknowns. But, as much as I want to hold onto what could have been, I have to accept the life I have now. I hope she finds happiness on the path that she has chosen. 

[DancingFool]

2 hours ago, dishrag said:

Thank you all for reminding me of things I need to remind myself.  I'm grateful.

I started taking the steps toward healing my broken heart, today. All I can hope for is that over time, the pain will pass and I will be able to reflect on the memories of the best times in my life. It's hard to forget about the life we were going to have, and learn to accept these very scary unknowns. But, as much as I want to hold onto what could have been, I have to accept the life I have now. I hope she finds happiness on the path that she has chosen. 

You've spent many years catering to her and her happiness and it's going to be a hard habit to break, but I really do hope that you do find a way to start focusing on YOUR happiness instead. It's high time for you to learn how to put yourself first and become content with yourself and the life you provide for yourself. One baby step at a time.

There was never a future with a cheater. In fact, with all the lies, manipulation, and gaslighting your life was more like swimming upstream with a rock tied around your neck. I know that it never seemed that way and still doesn't, but with time you will realize it and feel the freedom from her mindfckery lift off your shoulders. Once that happens, you will soar and be glad she is gone. It does take time, but it will happen. Meanwhile do be kind to yourself and indulge yourself in everything you enjoy doing. Focus on things that make you smile.