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My wife and I are 6 years apart; she is 23 and I am 29, Gen Z and Millennial, respectively. She is very into Snapchat, and has running chat streaks with people and gets bummed out when they are broken, stuff like that. I believe it was back when we were dating (married for 14 months now), she got upset with me because I sent her something on Snapchat, but I also posted it to my story for all my friends to see. She said she didn't want that because it didn't feel like it was supposed to be anything special for her, so if everyone else saw it on my story, too, then why would I send it to her? I said that's something I had always done is sent things to closer friends and loved ones so I could get their direct feedback on whatever it was I sent them, whereas just posting something to my story was for everyone else to just see it and reply if they wanted to. I told her that if I sent it to her directly then I cared a lot about her opinion on it.


Well, last night I sent her a video of the gym that is here at the place I'm away at for work for a couple weeks. I told her last week that I'm excited to show it to her, so I sent it to her directly (and only her, directly) and I also posted it to my story for everyone else to see. I did not think that it would be an issue because it's a gym, not anything super personal. Well she replied this morning (we are in different time zones) saying, "I hope literally everyone else has enjoyed talking to you and getting your updates." I seriously don't get it. It's a gym, not personal like the first thing was. So we got into a bit of a tiff about it and she hung up on me and told me to enjoy my 2 weeks away because I told her that was very Gen Z of her to act so entitled when it comes to social media and to hang up on me when we agreed we wouldn't do that and yet she's done it a dozen times to me. But I digress...

I asked her what I was supposed to do: was I supposed to not be excited and show my friends the gym, or was I supposed to take a whole separate video to show them? She hasn't replied to that yet. I'm not sure what the big deal is or why it bothers her so much. I think it's childish. Am I wrong? What am I missing, here?

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14 minutes ago, Fighting_4_this said:

I'm not sure what the big deal is or why it bothers her so much. I think it's childish. Am I wrong? What am I missing, here?

Whatever it is that you're missing, I'm missing too. I'm curious to know what she would have wanted you to do instead.

It's a strange thing to argue about, in my opinion. Why put forth the energy?

 

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YOU have every right to do as you wish re: shares.

But you need to stop saying & thinking this Gen Z stuff... that's not needed imo.  Just leave that stuff out of it.

It's her attitude with you, is the problem.  Who cares what generation anyone comes from.  

To hang up on you?  Is a childlike attitude.. That solves nothing.. PLUS her reactions.  THIS, she needs to stop!

So, try looking at this a different way.

When you get home, talk with her and explain you don't like how she reacts.  That you really don't need to share ANYTHING directly with her.... and how she reacts, you do not like...she needs to  change that!

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I think I understand where she's coming from. I don't use any social media except maybe ENA (it feels like it-there are so many notifications and boop sounds). Snapchat seems more one-to-one so you may be doing it wrong.

Hanging up on you is a bit extreme. This can't be the first time she overreacts but you've accepted it. 

Just post any items to your story, wherever that may be, and let your friends and her see it as a group. You don't need to send it to her again. 

 

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42 minutes ago, Fighting_4_this said:

she hung up on me and told me to enjoy my 2 weeks away because I told her that was very Gen Z .

I think it's childish. Am I wrong? 

Social media and generations aren't the issues. You basically called her immature and childish, because well that's your opinion of her.

 Just stay out of each other's social media altogether. Communicate directly. You married her so you have to find a way to get along rather than pick and bicker and worst of all, character assassinations about her maturity.

She was mature enough to marry you, no?

When an argument veers away from the issue at hand (snapchat posts) and steers into character assassinations about a persons age, judgement etc, you have started the downward spiral of arguing about arguing.

That is a power struggle. And being the haughty "mature" person will get you a lot of backlash.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Why do you have to send her anything over snap chat? Why can't you just call your own wife?

Is this how young people are conducting their relationships these days?

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20 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Why do you have to send her anything over snap chat? Why can't you just call your own wife?

Is this how young people are conducting their relationships these days?

Like I said, we are in two different time zones right now. I would have called her to show it off to her, but it was 4 am her time when I got to the gym, so... context clues, maybe?

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I’m 30. I have Snapchat. My husband is 27, he has Snapchat. I have friends that are 25 that have Snapchat. Not one of us argue over sending snaps or posting snaps. What a stupid thing to argue about. I honestly wouldn’t have any words for your wife other than “you’re insane.” Sending Snapchat’s to each other isn’t special, I don’t understand why she’s placing such meaning on Snapchat’s. If that’s the way of the younger generations, then I suppose you’ll have to work out some sort of system. I just wanted to offer you the validation in knowing that someone else also thinks this makes no sense at all.

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Work on better communication overall. It may not make sense to all of us but we didn't marry your wife. You did, OP. To stay married you'll have to both work on communicating, expressing, showing love towards one another. If you can't do that or feel like you are being shortchanged this will only end up in separation and divorce. 

Do you want to stay married? 

 

 

 

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This is one of those arguments that happen when your partner is really unhappy with you and the relationship, but instead of addressing it head on, they just yell at you about socks....or snapchat...or any other frivolous seeming argument.

This is not about snapchat. She is actually telling you quite bluntly what is missing for her from the relationship - the fact that she doesn't valued or special.

Given your generational bs, holier than thou, I'm sooo mature while she is such a child attitude.....I can't say I'm surprised she isn't happy with you and doesn't feel valued or respected in the relationship. Basically, you have bigger issues between you than snapchat and as the old wisdom goes....if she ain't happy long enough, you'll be unhappy with half your stuff. Better get off your high horse and figure it out.

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15 hours ago, Fighting_4_this said:

Like I said, we are in two different time zones right now. I would have called her to show it off to her, but it was 4 am her time when I got to the gym, so... context clues, maybe?

Easy. you wait till the appropriate time -whether it's hours or days later.  No need for instantaneous sharing unless it's an emergency.  I agree with Boltnrun.  It's silly to call this generational -simply two individuals with communication issues.  I am 3.5 months older than my husband.  He is not on social media and I am.  He will do annoying things like email me something when he knows I won't be checking email for hours but it's time sensitive, or he'll put his phone in front of me when he's on facetime with our cousins when he knows I'm not prepared to be on camera nor do I want to be.  I'm sure I annoy him at times if I tell him too much about anonymous people I interact with online. 

 

And I annoy certain friends who just can't fathom why I private message them in response to their personal question about how I'm doing on their Facebook feed.  It's communication differences.  Is some of it generational -maybe - but give me a break 6 years is nothing as far as an age difference now that you're adults.  I wouldn't play the generational card.  Treat this as an individual/couples issue and respect it in that way.  And if you possibly can get away from the mindset that the minutae of your lives have to be shared in some way on social media -or shared with each other that very minute -so much the better.  It's so much more fun to store up things to tell each other in person or on the phone. 

My husband travels a lot (pre covid) and we were long distance for a couple of years- I get it - and when we were long distance I only had a cell phone for part of it.  We tried to talk every night we didn't see each other and emailed during the day but not with this um intense focus on reporting every meal you eat, every mistake made on your name when you order a latte, every gym you pass through on business.  Etc.

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On 3/9/2021 at 3:03 PM, DancingFool said:

This is one of those arguments that happen when your partner is really unhappy with you and the relationship, but instead of addressing it head on, they just yell at you about socks....or snapchat...or any other frivolous seeming argument.

This is not about snapchat. She is actually telling you quite bluntly what is missing for her from the relationship - the fact that she doesn't valued or special.

Given your generational bs, holier than thou, I'm sooo mature while she is such a child attitude.....I can't say I'm surprised she isn't happy with you and doesn't feel valued or respected in the relationship. Basically, you have bigger issues between you than snapchat and as the old wisdom goes....if she ain't happy long enough, you'll be unhappy with half your stuff. Better get off your high horse and figure it out.

After finally talking with her and getting her side, you are correct. And yeah, I think it's a silly thing to get upset about, but if that's how she feels then I guess I need to change how I do things. It's annoying, it's silly, but it's important to her, so I'm going to make a conscientious decision to make it better. Thanks.
I'm not normally the type you described in that last paragraph, btw. I was just frustrated and in the heat of the moment I went off. 

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On 3/9/2021 at 2:58 PM, Rose Mosse said:

Work on better communication overall. It may not make sense to all of us but we didn't marry your wife. You did, OP. To stay married you'll have to both work on communicating, expressing, showing love towards one another. If you can't do that or feel like you are being shortchanged this will only end up in separation and divorce. 

Do you want to stay married? 

 

 

 

We used to be SO good at communication, so it kills me that the past couple months we've been losing that. It was always a strong point for us. I want so badly to make this work, and I have resources available to us for free that we can utilize to get counseling, but she isn't happy with them for one reason or another. She would rather pay money we don't have to get counseling, so IDK what to do, here. It's tearing me apart to see us fall apart like this. She's been my best friend since we met.

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On 3/9/2021 at 2:24 PM, indea08 said:

I’m 30. I have Snapchat. My husband is 27, he has Snapchat. I have friends that are 25 that have Snapchat. Not one of us argue over sending snaps or posting snaps. What a stupid thing to argue about. I honestly wouldn’t have any words for your wife other than “you’re insane.” Sending Snapchat’s to each other isn’t special, I don’t understand why she’s placing such meaning on Snapchat’s. If that’s the way of the younger generations, then I suppose you’ll have to work out some sort of system. I just wanted to offer you the validation in knowing that someone else also thinks this makes no sense at all.

Thank you. I guess she just gets upset that I get excited to show her something, so I tell her that and yet I show it off to everyone else, as well. She doesn't feel like she's special when I talk to her about what I love anymore because I'm also telling everyone else, too. I kind of get it, but at the same time it seems so trivial to me. But I want this relationship to work, so I'll do what it takes to be more conscientious about it, even if I think it's silly. 

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On 3/10/2021 at 4:35 AM, Seraphim said:

This isn’t about generations, it is about making your wife feel special and not everything should be up for world consumption. 

Turns out you nailed it on the head. Thank you. It may not make a lot of sense to me, but if it means so much to her then I guess I'll try to do better.

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I am glad to see this come around after reading through it.  Yes, it seems silly.  But  . it is important to her.  You may not agree with it or understand it, but nevertheless. . it is important to her and it's really not much to ask for.

Before this turned around and I was reading all the reasons to defend your point (and I do get your point) I was mumbling to myself "is this really the hill you want to die on?"

If sharing things with her first and then at some later point, others, makes her feel special, then I think you get off pretty easy at making your wife happy.

Just wait until something reeeeally challenging tests the two of you.  And THIS . .  isn't it.  Trust me 🙂

 

Edited by reinventmyself
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I guess the underlying message I'd take from this is, if I had a husband who travelled, I'd hate for our communication to become reduced to a mass posting--like one of those printed Christmas cards that goes out to everybody without so much as an intimate sentence or two--or even a hand written signature.

It's not about the method, it's about the content.

Don't fall away from being intimate with your wife. We see too many people on this site who lose the one they love and only wish that they could go back in time to fix exactly THIS kind of mistake.

Invest in your marriage. Your wife is not one of your followers. Treat her as far more important than that, and you'll thank yourself later.

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