Broke up with gf in November, tried winning her back in December, but failed. Now it's been over 2 months of no contact, but I'm doubting it

[Yirboy]

Hello,

As you can see from the title, I broke up with my girlfriend in November the 12th after being together for 1,5 years. Our relationship was healthy, filled with great memories and we never really fought or had relationship issues at all. In October till the end of the breakup, I was depressed and felt this urge to get out of the relationship "for some reason". It really wasn't anything about her, because she was a wonderful partner throughout the relationship. I think I just wanted to try being single again and have that freedom back. Anyhow, I started doubting my decision literally immediately after I broke up with her, so I kept contact with her. Thinking back, I really can't pinpoint exactly why I broke up with her, and I still regret it a lot.

I told her in the beginning of December that I regretted my decision fully, and that I really wanted to work on everything and get back together. She told me that I had to work hard and prove to her how much I wanted the relationship and her. So I did for an entire month, and it was extremely difficult and stressful as she was chatting with a new guy on the side EVERY DAY (we'll get to that). So suddenly there was a new person in the picture, and I obviously didn't feel great about that. She ended up sleeping with him the 24th December, but after agreed to try and work things out with me the 26th December. We weren't fully back together at that time, but it was very obvious that she wasn't that attracted to me anymore. It was really devastating, and it seemed like she was only able to see the bad things about me and our relationship, which was even more hurtful. 

She completely ended things with me the 30th December (the last time I saw her). She cried a lot, told me she didn't wanna lose me etc., and that she just didn't wanna be in a relationship with anyone currently and that she had to work on herself. Furthermore she even told me that she hoped of us getting back together in the future, and that she thought it was better to maybe try again after some months of being apart.

She started seeing the guy she had been chatting with immediately after I was out of the picture, and to this day they still are. To be honest, it didn't surprise me at all. She doesn't see her friends apart from when partying, and throughout our relationship, she was really dependent on me and my emotional support, so I expected her to fill the void with him. I think it's quite disrespectful of her to lie to me like that, but things are different when we actually weren't together. She didn't break up with me, I did.

She's messaged me two times in the beginning of January, but we haven't had any contact for over 2 months otherwise at all. She still has stories of me on her instagram, likes my posts, views my stories and follows me on Spotify. I myself have been working on myself quite a lot and improved on many areas, and I've been casually dating a few girls here and there, but they really don't interest me a lot. She knows one of the girls, and I hung out with that girl in the beginning of post-breakup. She knows everything about me and that girl, so I don't know if she thinks I've moved on completely. I'm afraid that my ex is thinking that I loathe her, and therefore the reason why I haven't reached out at all.

I'm really considering messaging her. The only thing that's really holding me back, is the fact that she's seeing that guy. All her friends thinks it's weird she's seeing someone that fast after me, and from what I've heard, he's a cocaine addict, has no plan for his life, and is basically a complete opposite of me. Anyhow, what are your thoughts about contacting her again? Should I wait until their relationship "eventually" falls apart or should I try and win her back now? If she was the one to breakup with me, I would stay in no contact for ever, but remember, I broke up with her to begin with, and she told me that it was important to her to feel, that I still wanted us months on in the future (she said that in mid December, not when she ended things).

Edit: It's important to note that she told me that I really had proven her how much I wanted to get back together, and how much she meant to me. Furthermore, all her friends said the same thing, and even said that she should take me back.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Yirboy said:

In October till the end of the breakup, I was depressed and felt this urge to get out of the relationship "for some reason". I really can't pinpoint exactly why I broke up with her.

She started seeing the guy she had been chatting with immediately after I was out of the picture, and to this day they still are.

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately, you broke up so she moved on.

Perhaps it's best to reflect on your "urge to be single again" and see a physician/therapist about the depression.

She's seeing someone, so it's best to delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps.

[Yirboy]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately, you broke up so she moved on.

Perhaps it's best to reflect on your "urge to be single again" and see a physician/therapist about the depression.

She's seeing someone, so it's best to delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps.

I started seeing a therapist immediately after breaking up with her. I've experienced being single again for some time now (partly from November till December, but fully from December till now.) Thing is, I'd rather be in a relationship, but only with her 😕 As I said, I have been seeing others, but in fact, it's only made me miss her more, lol

[SooSad33]

WHY are you seeing other girls if you are still so into her?  You just don't do that 😞 ... that's leading them on, when you are far from over your last BU.

Sadly, so often ,after a couple breaks up once, it'll happen again... damage has been done.

You need to stop focussing all on her and more on yourself.

IMO, this is one big mess 😞 ... and possibly beyond repair. What are YOU doing to ;work on yourself'?

[SooSad33]

43 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately, you broke up so she moved on.

Perhaps it's best to reflect on your "urge to be single again" and see a physician/therapist about the depression.

She's seeing someone, so it's best to delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps

I agree on this.  YOU broke it off... and for reasons.  So, you should really dig deep on why.  I do not feel you are near ready to just jump right back into any relationship... None of this is good for your mental health.

You need more time.

[Yirboy]

15 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

WHY are you seeing other girls if you are still so into her?  You just don't do that 😞 ... that's leading them on, when you are far from over your last BU.

Sadly, so often ,after a couple breaks up once, it'll happen again... damage has been done.

You need to stop focussing all on her and more on yourself.

IMO, this is one big mess 😞 ... and possibly beyond repair. What are YOU doing to ;work on yourself'?

Don't worry, I told the girls I was seeing about everything, and that I wasn't over her at all, so it was really casual relationships without any real commitment. I've just been working on myself on areas where I've felt I've been lacking. Intellectually, financially, stopped smoking, worked on a couple of issues and so on. Yes, it might be beyond repair, which now that I think about it, is the reason why I would rather wait at least 2-3 more months before  getting back with her if the chance ever occurs, because at that point it's been so long since we broke up, that it would almost be like starting completely over.

15 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

I agree on this.  YOU broke it off... and for reasons.  So, you should really dig deep on why.  I do not feel you are near ready to just jump right back into any relationship... None of this is good for your mental health.

You need more time.

Yes, I completely agree. Sadly, our country was really hard hit of corona during the last months of our relationship, so we stopped doing anything romantic with each other the last 3 months, and routines killed our relationship IMO. We sadly didn't try and do much to fix this problem, as it wasn't something I could see at that moment, but after some time away to gain perspective on things, I've come to that realization.

[SooSad33]

7 minutes ago, Yirboy said:

Don't worry, I told the girls I was seeing about everything, and that I wasn't over her at all, so it was really casual relationships without any real commitment. I've just been working on myself on areas where I've felt I've been lacking. Intellectually, financially, stopped smoking, worked on a couple of issues and so on. Yes, it might be beyond repair, which now that I think about it, is the reason why I would rather wait at least 2-3 more months before  getting back with her if the chance ever occurs, because at that point it's been so long since we broke up, that it would almost be like starting completely over.

Okay, but how is that doing for you - mentally?  Do you think thats a good idea- thinking back on why you broke it off with your ex?

Okay, so you stopped smoking & are dealing with financial issues? Good- but still, isn't a part of the problem your mentality?  You said depression... (again, to go search out company of even more women, after you've been thru this much re: your ex.. I don't see that helping you...).

With your idea of this... reaching out for her again after about 2-3 months... (if it can be..)  After she has run off into another relationship... Where do you think her mentality sits?  😞

No, even in that time span, has not been long at all.

 

[Rose Mosse]

I don't know why she would take you seriously after you've ended the relationship for the reason of wanting to be single. That would be at the back of someone's mind constantly especially considering you still don't seem to know why you broke up with her except to want to be single. Now you are single but you are still not happy. What should a person believe? You mentioned making a mistake but this might be a mistake you can't undo. 

The break up is still fresh so no, I don't think reconciliation is possible and definitely not a good idea when you're both seeing new people. Leave her alone as she is trying to make the most of her life and enjoy the company of her new boyfriend. Ignore any comments or likes on social media. Delete her if you're hurt and confused due to the mixed messages and constant reminders.

It doesn't sound like you're very attracted or interested in the person you're hanging out with also (the new girl).. think quality of quantity. If she's not doing it for you, don't see her anymore. Stay single and learn how to thrive on your own. 

Something else that stood out to me was that your ex depended on you for emotional support. "she was really dependent on me for my emotional support" Really dependent in what ways? 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Yirboy said:

It's important to note that she told me that I really had proven her how much I wanted to get back together, and how much she meant to me. Furthermore, all her friends said the same thing, and even said that she should take me back.

What her friends think is irrelevant. But if she were my friend? I'd strongly caution her against dating you again, too. You broke up with for nebulous reasons, wanted your freedom, then changed your mind very quickly. While you might not be a bad guy, I would not count on you as a reliable candidate for a relationship if you'd already dumped her once. 

And honestly? It sounds like she's not that into you anymore. She might enjoy knowing you're her back-up option, but I think the desire is essentially lost now. 

[Mets6986]

Maybe this will help maybe it won’t . You are in no contact because you are hoping to get your gf back right? Well I can’t say I was in no contact because I was not trying to get anyone back. I was in no contact with a former friend I  worked with because I was obsessive and toxic In other words  You are in no toxic hoping for a result Her to come back to you. I was in no contact not hoping for anything and long story short she saw my changed behavior and too my surprise forgave me and even offered to rekindle our friendship but while I was happy and grateful for the forgiveness but I declined the friendship not because there was a part of me that did not want it and other reasons but because I was afraid of undoing my personal growth My advice continue no contact but expect nothing If she comes back someday great and if she does not come back okay and if she comes back after at some point you moved on and met someone else Oh well her loss