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He won't admit it; am I the crazy one?


AmIirrtnl
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Okay, this is the first time I've ever written to strangers for advice, but I'm feeling pretty alone.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years, we live together. He is about 10 years older than me, and what attracted me to him initially(we worked together) was that he seemed like a no-nonsense, "what you see is what you get" and I found that so refreshingly sexy. Anyway, things are good/okay, typical ups & downs of life thing, until over the summer when I began helping him clean up his property to possibly sell(we both own our own homes), and I started finding evidence that he was never in the military as he claimed. Not trying to snoop, but you just come across things cleaning a house. This past Thanksgiving I finally confronted him about it, how I didn't give two ***s whether he was or wasn't, but I did care about the fact that he lied, over & over, about it. Pretended to have PTSD and everything.. and that him being who he said he was why I was in the relationship initially and it all felt like a lie. He actually cried, said it was his biggest shortcoming, how he wanted to tell me so many times but knew how much honesty meant to me, so he didn't. ...however that makes sense. If HE had told ME instead of me confronting him, it would've meant so much more. But he didn't. We eventually agreed to try and work through it. But after that night he never attempted to bring it back up. I've felt resentment and such since then but have tried to sort through those feelings in myself, as everything else seemed okay.. 

We haven't had sex since then, I think because of my hurt and negative feelings toward him, but I felt like we were making progress to get back on stable ground. 3-4 months later, or last week, I found a piece of a condom wrapper under the passenger seat in his car. My immediate reaction was just being SO sure he's cheated. I didn't even want to hear his side, I was just DONE. We were staying at my house, he went to work, I called off, washed his clothes, folded them, gathered all of his things, set them all nicely on the porch. I wrote a note explaining that I knew, we were done, and that I hope he finds happiness. I felt I was being quite mature, even if I was listening to Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats" envisioning smashing his truck up as I was nicely folding his clothes.. 

Anyway, he gets home, reads the note, starts banging on the door(I slipped his key off the ring) begging for me to talk to him. Being reasonable, I was like, okay, I'll let him say what he has to say. He straight up denied it, said one of us must've tracked in from one of our bedrooms(remember, we haven't had sex in over 3 months). I find this extraordinarily farfetched, but he's got me doubting myself very severely. "When would I have time??" Idk, dude, cheaters make time. "I would never do that to you, you know how much you mean to me!" People cheat on the ones they "love" all the time. "You just feel this way because I lied to you before!" No ***, buddy. "I admitted I lied before, I would admit this if it were true!" ...probably not when you saw I was DONE and you're desperate to save this relationship..

But I have a terrible time maintaining anger, felt utterly exhausted with it all.. let him back in, even though in my heart I don't believe him(and I'm a goddamn rational person, I always CHOOSE to believe because I feel suspicion just kills the person feeling it... or maybe I'm ***ing stupid. One of the two.)

It's been almost a week, I've brought up how I still don't trust him he gets all calm, acting like he'll help me work through these feelings... like it's something wrong with me. Then he tries to get out of the subject.. 

I guess I know I need to leave, as even if somehow it isn't true he cheated, there is literally no trust in this relationship. I just have no one to talk to (I'm in the medical field, this pandemic has effectively isolated me from all of my friends/family, the closest of which lives 6 hours away). I guess the point of writing this is for external confirmation about whether or not I'm being crazy, if it's as obvious to others that he's lying, etc..

So, anyone have an opinion?

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46 minutes ago, AmIirrtnl said:

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years, we live together.. We were staying at my house.

I have a terrible time maintaining anger

Do you live together? If not, just end it. The trust is gone, you're angry. The intimacy is gone. What's left?

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We do live together; he still owns his home but is trying to sell it but hasn't been actively living there. He can go back and figure that out for himself, I suppose. 

Thank you for your reply. I am angry, and I have plenty to unpack about myself and my tendency toward emotional suppression. 

While there hasn't been sex, there is support and other levels of intimacy. We are both medical professionals and help each other through the hard times that go with the job. I know it will be difficult as I do not have a support system otherwise right now, but it will be better to be alone than sticking around with someone I do not trust.

Again, thank you for taking time to respond. I'm usually not one for external validation, and I don't exactly know what I gain from venting to strangers.. but it's something. 

 

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Are you sure you couldn't have known a lot earlier that he was never in the military?  I mean, don't former military get certain benefits after that he wasn't getting-and what about his friends -did they go along with this huge lie? Are you sure you sort of didn't let yourself ask too many questions because either you were so into him or so into being part of a couple? You don't have to "maintain anger" to stick to a decision that is consistent with your values.  If your values are to be with someone who is honest with you about very basic facts about his life, then all you have to do is choose your values over being with this person -no anger needed, no need to exhaust. In fact it's totally relaxing to act consistent with your values after an initial hesitancy of sticking to them and sticking up for yourself.

Whether he had sex with someone else or not I would assume that if he could lie about something this basic there's a lot of instability there and not much of a future. He has a place to live and he should live there, apart from you.

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Watch Dirty John on Netflix. That will scare the bejeezus out of you about what can happen when people lie about major things like that. Change your locks and put a steel rod in your spine. He's probably made a spare key after that incident.

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Finding out that the person you thought you knew for the last 4 years was all a sham is an understandable shock to the system. It's hard to process no matter who you are.

The thing with the military.....it wasn't a small fib. He even went so far as to concoct PTSD as part of his story. I doubt it was just a casual mention. He created an image, an illusion of who he is custom tailored to what you would want, fall for, have sympathy for, get attached to. What kind of a person does this? A sociopath.

As for cheating....well....that comes with the territory as well.

Best for you and your mental health to stick with your decision to kick him out of your life. Do it and do not play Ms. Reasonable games - you don't owe him anything such. What you owe to yourself is to protect yourself and any time you open the door to him or let him talk, he will manipulate you and leave you feeling exactly as you do - confused and not clear what's up and what's down. That's one of the big symptoms of gaslighting - this fog and confusion. You don't clear it by continuing to interact with these people. You boot them out with extreme prejudice and then take your time to heal and start sorting out what happened and what you missed and how. 

Also, please do STD test and be sure he didn't pass anything on to you. Cheating with these types is never a one time deal. 

I'm sorry you are going through this and just know that you will be OK. Just please please cut him out of your life completely. No wavering, no take backs, no listening to any more bs.

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girlfriend, this falls into the smart people doing dumb things category. 

You are obviously a smart person and your gut is screaming at you. You actually answered your own questions in your post!

There is no respect here. No trust. What are you even holding on to? What it seems to me?? A warm body during a pandemic. You're isolated, stressed, etc..   but what you think is helping you,  it's actually hurting you. 

get him out of your house. change the locks. Get a puppy.

I find it completely creepy to lie about something so honorable. He wanted the recognition and prestige bestowed on a person that actually sacrificed themselves, accomplished something very difficult and even more than that.  he lied and used a terrible condition to get pity or whatever sympathy he could for some thing that never happened. 

This is disgusting in my opinion and a total insult to you and everyone that ever served. 

This dude would be out of my life. You are way too good for this poop. What a loser.

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I appreciate all the replies.

Of course I could've known earlier, but I admit, I get way too caught up in work and the desire for things to at least be calm at home that I choose to not look into things at times. That is my fault.

With the miltary stuff, he knew just enough to not really arouse my suspicions. I had worked with him for a year before we started dating, and he seemed so sincere that I had no reason to question what he said he did 20 years ago(He is 45, I am 35, and what I assumed (incorrectly!) to be too old for this sort of nonsense). His father WAS in the military and they have the same name, so I assume what he had as "proof" was his father's, until I found things with dates. 

We rarely interacted with any of his friends from his past as we met & live in a different place from where either of us grew up. Everyone around us believes he was in the miltary, too. 

My own pride has gotten in the way of this as well, "no way, he wouldn't do that. Not to ME" Of course he would. It happens all the time to otherwise strong, intelligent, attractive woman, through no fault of their own.

Obviously he is very insecure, even though with what he has verifiably achieved, he shouldn't be. But it is what it is. Sociopaths will be sociopaths.

Everyone is correct, and I do know that this is hurting me and I'm just holding on because of stress and loneliness. However, if I'm honest with myself, this is infinitely more stressful than being alone. I already have a dog, so I should be all set.

I have actually already purchased new locks/deadbolts. I just need to stick with the decision I've obviously already made. 

Thank you all for providing the feedback I guess I needed. 

 

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1 minute ago, AmIirrtnl said:

I appreciate all the replies.

Of course I could've known earlier, but I admit, I get way too caught up in work and the desire for things to at least be calm at home that I choose to not look into things at times. That is my fault.

With the miltary stuff, he knew just enough to not really arouse my suspicions. I had worked with him for a year before we started dating, and he seemed so sincere that I had no reason to question what he said he did 20 years ago(He is 45, I am 35, and what I assumed (incorrectly!) to be too old for this sort of nonsense). His father WAS in the military and they have the same name, so I assume what he had as "proof" was his father's, until I found things with dates. 

We rarely interacted with any of his friends from his past as we met & live in a different place from where either of us grew up. Everyone around us believes he was in the miltary, too. 

My own pride has gotten in the way of this as well, "no way, he wouldn't do that. Not to ME" Of course he would. It happens all the time to otherwise strong, intelligent, attractive woman, through no fault of their own.

Obviously he is very insecure, even though with what he has verifiably achieved, he shouldn't be. But it is what it is. Sociopaths will be sociopaths.

Everyone is correct, and I do know that this is hurting me and I'm just holding on because of stress and loneliness. However, if I'm honest with myself, this is infinitely more stressful than being alone. I already have a dog, so I should be all set.

I have actually already purchased new locks/deadbolts. I just need to stick with the decision I've obviously already made. 

Thank you all for providing the feedback I guess I needed. 

 

Stay strong 💪

 

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He has issues you can't fix. The lie about being in the military is a symptom of bigger problems under the surface. Creating stories or lies comes from a broken self-image and you don't know how long it's been that way.

I feel sorry for him. It brings back recollections of the lies I uncovered in my previous relationship. All I found was a person who was so broken from the beginning that the pieces were mismatched all over the place. A lot was truth but there were also lies that were inexplicable or didn't need to be part of the story. He did it to make up for feeling unworthy and not enough of a person. I think there's a lot of suffering that goes into someone who makes up stories so no, I don't think he's a demon or sociopath. I do think he probably has a lot of issues to work out in therapy. 

I'm sorry you've had to find all this out. 

You're in a lot of shock so just figure out how to end it and do without the support. If there's no trust, there is no relationship. Move on with your life. 

Side note: Andrina, I saw the show Dirty John on Netflix. Yes, it does make you think..

 

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You're not crazy. Don't doubt yourself. Write a list of 'facts' about what he has done/what's happened, and every time you start to feel unsure or you start to waiver, look at the list. 

You must be feeling so betrayed. And you've lost the person you thought he was. It's a lot to deal with, especially, as you say, when you don't have the social support you'd usually have. I'm sorry you have to go through this!

It's time to protect yourself and your heart and no matter how hard it is, it's time for him to go

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  • 2 months later...

I agree he shows the signs of a psychopath. I would find all his lies and behavior towards you very frightening. Who knows what else he's been hiding from you...a criminal past? Not who he really is?

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