Jump to content
'

I really messed up and I need your guidance please


Recommended Posts

So, I did something I shouldn't have ever done, and I have massive regrets now.  I wish I could turn back the time.

It was wrong and I am so ashamed.
My 15 year old daughter is the age where she doesn't share any thing with me anymore.  We used to talk about everything, and I encourage her to talk to me about anything.  Her Mom (were divorced) is the weekend Mom and isn't close to my daughter at all, so I usually feel the need to be "Mom".   I even buy her tampons and pads.

Anyway, I was bringing some clothes up to my daughters room and she left her diary on her bed.
I just glanced and saw the word  "sexuality" and curiosity set in (I know its so wrong, so please don't hate) but I read the words  "I've always questioned my sexuality"  Once I read that line, I quickly left the room right away after realizing it's horribly wrong to have even glanced.  Now I wish I can turn back time and I feel shame that I couldn't resist the urge.

I am pretty open minded and very accepting of the gay community.  I come from the belief that we are all born with sexual orientation, much in the ways of our other personality traits and biology.  I was born a heterosexual, and didn't "choose" to like women...I just like women!  I feel we all need and want love and that journey is different for everyone.  

Anyway, please don't scold me for glancing at the diary, I really should have respected her most private thoughts she wrote down.

The biggest challenge I face is that my daughter's step mom is religious and has 100% belief in God, heaven and hell, sinners and saints, the whole lot.  If I am being honest, my faith comes and goes.  Most religious people I come across are hypocrites and shun non-Christians.  We have opposing thoughts about sexuality, I am very open minded, but my wife is a more closed book. 
I've had to disagreements with her on the topic, and she believes people made a choice to be gay or not. 

Also, my daughter also said she doesn't want to have children, and my wife has already commented into it "you're young, that will change when you get older"  My stance is one should only have children if they 100% want to have children. Period.

If my daughter comes out one day, I want to do everything to fully accept it and even appreciate it with open arms.  The problem is that I already anticipate my wife trying to "persuade her"  to be straight.  I am already in an unhappy marriage (that's a whole other post I have already discussed on here)  and if my wife isn't accepting of it, I think it might be the final nail in the coffin in our marriage.  I want to enjoy holiday meals and milestones with my families, not have awkward tension and homophobic vibes everytime the discussion comes up.

Sorry if that was a mouthful...

What I am looking for is some guidance to be a fully supportive person to my daughter.  I want to do and say the right things to support her journey in discovering herself.  

I didn't want to ready the diary any more that the line I read, so I really don't know the context of that diary entry, but if a teenager "questions her sexuality" as she wrote, what does that mean?   I never questioned my sexuality so I don't know the thought process of one that goes down this path.

So, would a statement like this suggest she is gay, bisexual, transgendered, or even straight... but curious?

Also, at what age do you think she would come out?  I don't want her to suppress her feelings into adulthood!!

I would like to hear your advice on the subject.

Thanks in advance.

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you should view it like this:

You glanced over at a diary and saw a few words. You quickly looked away out of respect for your daughter's privacy. You don't know what those words might mean or the context of them. So park them, in your mind. There's nothing for you to do with them at the moment except continue to love and support your daughter, and look out for her, which you clearly do.

She's finding her own way through a tricky teenage time in a world that is hyper-focused on gender and sexuality at the moment. Let her do her thing, and just be there for her. 

Good luck 🙂

  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
47 minutes ago, Betterwithout said:

my daughter's step mom is religious and has 100% belief in God, heaven and hell, sinners and saints, the whole lot.

It's none of your wife's business. This is for you, her mother and her only.

If your wife inflicts religious abuse on your daughter, talk to her mother about better custody arrangements so that she is protected from your wife and can stay with her mother..

Link to post
Share on other sites

You talk about your daughter and wanting to be there for her but this is really about your crumbling marriage. It sounds like a lot of tension at home and you're nervous about it. Why are you still with your wife if it has such a negative effect on you? I ask this out of the idea of working out your thought process. 

As long as you love and support your daughter and be there for her and EXPRESS that she is loved regardless of her sexual orientation, you are setting an example for your house. If you constantly allow your wife to silence you or bully you into one way of thinking or minimize your own beliefs, your daughter will learn that from you and she will also learn how to be judgmental and cruel to others based on how she is treated at home. 

The best thing you can do is keep expressing your love and support. This means including your daughter in family events, telling her that you love her and that you are mild/neutral towards LGBTQ or different lifestyles. Whether someone is born with it or not is splitting hairs and you don't need to worry about that. It's what your daughter is now, what she can be and that her life is not made up of or decided upon by what partner she has or who she has sex with that matters. Focus on her education, her other interests and keep her as all-rounded and balanced into adulthood as possible.

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I mean try not to blow this out of proportion?

First of all, it's really quite normal for teens to question their sexuality and sex and relationships and what it all means and how it all works and what works for them and so on. These are normal kinds of musings. Basically, growing pains. So on that note, it would be best that you do not jump to any kind of conclusions or start acting all weird like you know something. You don't.

All you need to do is just continue to be a good loving parent who provides for her, makes sure she has what she needs, and give her whatever life advice you can offer if/when she asks for it. There is nothing more for you to do. 

 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Just be there. Be as you are..supportive.

In time she will figure herself out- as long as she isn't showing signs of depression, etc. all is fine.

Leave her be to just be her ❤️ .  Many are 'not straight' and that's fine!  Is just who they are.

We respect it & let it be.. Let them learn, figure it out on their own, as this is 'the age', as they hit puberty and things like this arise.

So, carry on as you are.  No one can 'change her'.. should it end up someday, that her mother learns of it and starts issue's, then they will have it out and possibly cause some tension, which can end up causing distance between them.  Not you.

I know a few gays/lesbians and they are just like everyone else - if not nicer . :)  Never have I judged!  I like people for who they are, not what they are- in that sense.  We're human, we're all different and that is okay!

So, let it be now and carry on.  

As for her diary?  My mom found mine one day as well... but was her choice to read or not.  Either way, I grew up and I moved on.. It's life, we live & we learn.. this experience is on her.

Great that you're a good dad.  Don't be so hard on yourself :) 

Link to post
Share on other sites

It is absolutely vital that you do not allow your wife to bully your daughter. 

Is that your only concern? That your wife might give your daughter a hard time?

One of my kids is gay. Their grandmother is increasingly anti-gay. But my kids are adults and can deal with her themselves. Your daughter is still a child and she needs you to be on her side, no matter her sexual orientation.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, elsewhereagain said:

a tricky teenage time in a world that is hyper-focused on gender and sexuality at the moment. Let her do her thing, and just be there for her.

Yes, I originally thought these are just teenage thoughts that someone shares in a journal.  Maybe it's not something to worry about.

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's none of your wife's business. This is for you, her mother and her only.

If your wife inflicts religious abuse on your daughter, talk to her mother about better custody arrangements so that she is protected from your wife and can stay with her mother..

I agree somewhat, but as her stepmom, she does deep inside care for my daughter I think her heart is in the right place.  She's not all preachy like that, but rather she instills good values (as I do for moral and ethical child raising).  My daughter's natural Mom "puts in her time", but she's a pretty shallow person which is why I have majority of the custody.  Sadly, my wife is more of a Mom than her natural Mom.

  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

You talk about your daughter and wanting to be there for her but this is really about your crumbling marriage. It sounds like a lot of tension at home and you're nervous about it. Why are you still with your wife if it has such a negative effect on you? I ask this out of the idea of working out your thought process. 

I'd like to add a little more to my post....
As far as my marriage goes..it lacks passion and romantic closeness, and has never had it (I thought that would change after getting married, but it didn't)    These days, I have learned to accept that.   I bring to the marriage a number of un admirable husband flaws too.  Our marriage is stable and more like very close friends than passionate lovers.

If the day arrives to where my daughter comes out, I am prepared to stand by her side and support her 100%.... even at the jeopardy of our marriage.  Basically, I will put my daughter first.
After all, my daughter's natural Mother and her Step Mom haven't and never will step up to the plate as much as I do.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Just be there. Be as you are..supportive.

In time she will figure herself out- as long as she isn't showing signs of depression, etc. all is fine.

Leave her be to just be her ❤️ . 

Thank you for your comment.  I think "time" is the key word here.  In time, she will figure herself out.  she may or may not come out, in time the conversations will happen too.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

It is absolutely vital that you do not allow your wife to bully your daughter. 

Is that your only concern? That your wife might give your daughter a hard time?

One of my kids is gay. Their grandmother is increasingly anti-gay. But my kids are adults and can deal with her themselves. Your daughter is still a child and she needs you to be on her side, no matter her sexual orientation.

Thanks.  Yes, I will not allow anyone... including my own wife make my daughter feel less than who she is.  If our marriage becomes a casuality of it all, then so be it.  If my wife cannot accept the truth, then that along with other of our marriage incompatibilities, I may just move on.   I guess the silver lining about reading her diary is that now I have a heads up when/if a conversation comes up with my wife around LGBTQ+ matters including random ones about work colleagues, on the news etc.  I will be sure to (more than I do now) stomp out the judgement my wife might have at the time.  I had to stomp out my Mom's homophobic and racist comments too.  I don't tolerate it.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you're getting way ahead of yourself here. 

You saw some thoughts in a diary. She's a teenager. You have no clue how this play out in practical terms, so I would take a few deep breaths and relax. You're starting to panic when there may be absolutely not need for it. 

Cross that bridge if and when you come to it. 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
11 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I think you're getting way ahead of yourself here. 

You saw some thoughts in a diary. She's a teenager. You have no clue how this play out in practical terms, so I would take a few deep breaths and relax. You're starting to panic when there may be absolutely not need for it. 

Cross that bridge if and when you come to it. 

True.

And you do seem overwhelmed, with a lot 😞 

Maybe you can consider some prof help?  To help YOU deal with some things that are, I'm sure affecting you.

Is it possible, that this is just another layer of stressors weighing heavily on your mind?  Then don't go it alone... and don't be afraid to reach out . 

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Betterwithout said:

I agree somewhat, but as her stepmom, she does deep inside care for my daughter I think her heart is in the right place.  She's not all preachy like that, but rather she instills good values (as I do for moral and ethical child raising). 

You sound like a great dad. If/when she comes to you with anything you'll be fine. Maybe she'll be away a college when she decides to explore this... or tell you  about who she's dating etc..

Remember, right now (while she's 15) you're clueless about dating and romance because, lets face it, you just don't get it...😂

She's probably already talking o her peers about sex and sexuality (yes, your little girl 😱🙂) . 

Edited by Wiseman2
Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I think you're getting way ahead of yourself here. 

You saw some thoughts in a diary. She's a teenager. You have no clue how this play out in practical terms, so I would take a few deep breaths and relax. You're starting to panic when there may be absolutely not need for it. 

Cross that bridge if and when you come to it. 

I completely agree with this.  For all you know she was reacting to some silly comment someone made about her at school and she was off to the races in her head.  I agree with being there for her just as you have been and respecting boundaries just as you have been.  (Also I wondered if maybe she meant for you to see it?).

Link to post
Share on other sites

OK, first of all try not to panic. Sexuality can actually be on a spectrum (unless you're 100% straight). She may not necessarily be completely gay. She might be bisexual or just bi-curious. At fifteen years old she's still figuring out who she is as a person and her sexuality too. Regarding having children she may have said she doesn't want to have them because she's only in her mid teens and the idea just seems very foreign to her. Some gay people still want kids and can have kids, through using a sperm donor or adopting and things like that. She may not have said that she doesn't want kids purely because she's gay. I mean, what 15-year-old actually wants kids? Even if they ended up with a kid, it would pretty much be by accident.

I think the best you can do is just be a very supportive father and always act non judgemental and open minded. Make positive comments about GLBTIQ people if the topic ever does come up. Hopefully that would help show your daughter that she can talk to you about anything. 

Regarding your wife. Well I'm sorry to say but if you think she would have a problem with your daughter being gay and try to persuade her against it, that's pretty bad. If you're an open minded person yourself and accept your daughter regardless then why do you want a wife who doesn't? Being gay (or any GLBTIQ) is not good or bad, it just is. Also just because someone is religious doesn't mean they need to be homophobic. I've known Christians who accepted gay people. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

OK, first of all try not to panic. Sexuality can actually be on a spectrum (unless you're 100% straight). She may not necessarily be completely gay. She might be bisexual or just bi-curious. At fifteen years old she's still figuring out who she is as a person and her sexuality too. 

Regarding your wife. Well I'm sorry to say but if you think she would have a problem with your daughter being gay and try to persuade her against it, that's pretty bad. If you're an open minded person yourself and accept your daughter regardless then why do you want a wife who doesn't? 

Thank you MissCanuck, SooSad33, Batya33 and you Tinydance for calling me out on "hitting the panic button". 
I do get ahead of myself often.  I just don't like to be blind-sided, I have my ex wife to thank for that!  lol

Interesting note about the spectrum.  I agree there are spectrums in sexuality for sure and fluidity for that matter.  Us humans have a lot more going on between our ears than we can imagine!  

As far as my wife goes....i had another thought.  
Many people make judgements about strangers, (ie: that a-hole who cuts you off in traffic)....maybe when it's within the family, those judgements get washed away?  If my daughter does someday "come out", maybe my wife will be more accepting of it since it's within our four walls?  Again, I am probably getting ahead of myself!  Lol

Thanks everyone for your support, you've been very helpful.  
 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Betterwithout said:

Thank you MissCanuck, SooSad33, Batya33 and you Tinydance for calling me out on "hitting the panic button". 
I do get ahead of myself often.  I just don't like to be blind-sided, I have my ex wife to thank for that!  lol

Interesting note about the spectrum.  I agree there are spectrums in sexuality for sure and fluidity for that matter.  Us humans have a lot more going on between our ears than we can imagine!  

As far as my wife goes....i had another thought.  
Many people make judgements about strangers, (ie: that a-hole who cuts you off in traffic)....maybe when it's within the family, those judgements get washed away?  If my daughter does someday "come out", maybe my wife will be more accepting of it since it's within our four walls?  Again, I am probably getting ahead of myself!  Lol

Thanks everyone for your support, you've been very helpful.  
 

No I wouldn't bank on it for this reason - this is something you should know the answer to in general.  We all know of people including our spouses who make judgments about the chin guard-wearing shopper in a masks required store, etc which is far far different from having strong opinions in general about a certain lifestyle or religion or sexual orientation.  That is totally different.  In fact, I know of people who are very careful never to judge someone from outside their immediate family -basically because it doesn't affect them and also because it is none of their business -but within their family is a different story.  For example I know of parents who spank their kids.  No, I'm not going to judge without knowing more, no I'm not going to give any input on the matter and yes if my husband or a family member wanted to or did spank my child - yes I would judge and harshly (and I know in advance my husband never would, and would never let a caregiver/family member do so, hypothetically) - but I would not feel comfortable not knowing my husband's stance on spanking, for example.  So communicate with your wife.  Tell her - you know "Jane" is a teenager now and we should probably talk about how we want to approach dating, socializing, social media, curfew or no curfew etc.  No reason to talk about sexual orientation. 

My strong opinion is that the people commenting that she might be gay or fluid or open or whatever - that is wayyyyyy too presumptive from what she wrote.  Teenagers write all sorts of things.  Now if she had heaven forbid written about suicidal thoughts I would have approached that directly  or anything about self-harming! But about sex -wow- I wrote tons of stuff in my diaries back then about crushes, different boys I liked and why, curiosity about sex and sexual activity, about others who were having sex already -even though I was a virgin and remained one my entire teenage life. 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 3/9/2021 at 3:09 PM, Batya33 said:

No I wouldn't bank on it for this reason - this is something you should know the answer to in general.  We all know of people including our spouses who make judgments about the chin guard-wearing shopper in a masks required store, etc which is far far different from having strong opinions in general about a certain lifestyle or religion or sexual orientation.  That is totally different.  In fact, I know of people who are very careful never to judge someone from outside their immediate family -basically because it doesn't affect them and also because it is none of their business -but within their family is a different story.

Thanks Batya33.   That is something for me to consider for sure.  Not all judgement is the same.

Getting ahead of myself is probably something I should work on.  LOL
I have several differences of opinion with my wife, so looks like I have found another.  Since she is the step Mom and my daughters natural Mom has a low-key relationship with her, I think it will be me siding and standing up for my daughter's wishes at the end of the day.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...