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Lost and miserable without my dad

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 My dad passed away on August 30th from heart failure, he was 75 years old.  I have not been able to pull myself together since that day.  I have tried and sometimes seem to be dealing with it alright but honestly I just feel depressed all the time and cant even get very happy about anything that happens that is good in any way,  I feel totally alone and lost now and its hard because I have kids and they need me but lately my 10 year old daughter is in a stage where she is pulling away where we have always been super close, their dad has been little comfort to me since our relationship is to say the very least rocky and my sister who i am closer to then anyone in the world is dealing with all of this as well as my family now living with her and me having nowhere to actually call my space in the house I really just want to be with my dad wake up everyday going through the motions and waiting to die because I dont want to live without my dad

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It sounds like you are very depressed, and possibly spiraling.

My dad died suddenly when he was 70. It was a lot to process, and I grieved of course. But seven months later, I was not in the state that you are in now--and I went through a lot that year.

It sounds like other factors in your life are dragging you down. Have you tried speaking to a professional?

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I understand how you are feeling. My father died in June. I consider myself “functioning depressed” because I am going through the motions, but barely. My job is only 3 days a week and those 3 days are torture for me! To have to get up and dressed and leave the house, is rough. Then sometimes at work I think of my Dad and start to cry. Then have to straighten myself out before anyone sees me. I only bathe like twice a week, even then skip my hair half the time. These are all signs of depression. I already had a shrink because I am bipolar 2 (they get the low lows but not the mania or high highs or regular bipolar).  So I talk to my shrink about it and he usually makes me feel better. There is no shame in going to a psychiatrist. You don’t have to be crazy to go to one. In fact, it has been my experience that those who are really nuts, think nothing is wrong with them or it is wrong to go to a shrink. I went to school to be a counselor but never pursued that type of job. My philosophy is self improvement. Even the most perfect, all together person in the world, could benefit from counseling. The journey of life is all about growing and improving. We are all here for a short time. The best we can do with that time is help others, be kind, and constantly learn and grow. We are just here to improve ourselves for when we get to Heaven. Please go for counseling, as a depressed person myself, I see your depression is very real. I hate when people say this to me, but it is true. Your father loved you and he would want you to be happy and enjoy your life. You know it, you have kids. You want their happiness even when you are gone. Still, head knowledge doesn’t help the way you feel and missing your father. My Dad was my #1 most favorite person in the world! My entire life he was not only good to me, but just an exceptional person whom I greatly admired. He was my buddy. We went fishing and canoeing together. He and I shared the same weird sense of humor. Now he is gone and I am living with my mom to help her out. She does not have our sense of humor. I try to joke with her and she takes it wrong and yells at me. lol I miss my Dad’s humor and companionship! We also liked the same TV shows. Mom and I don’t. I picture my father’s smile and just cry missing the way he was always happy and leads to and kind. In some ways I have it easier than you. Let me explain. My father was diagnosed with Lewy Body dementia. I moved to Florida, where my parents had retired to, really because I wanted to spend every minute I could with him before he died. As it progressed of course, I was here to help Mom. Caring for a loved one with dementia is the hardest thing in the world! It took the two of us and we would still get worn out. I was happy to give back to him some, after he spent my entire life taking care of me, my 2 sisters, and our Mom. The thing with Lewy Body is, they don’t just get the horrible dementia, but they have the extra joy of having their joints freeze up and excruciating pain when they move. Thankfully that was only like the last few months of his life and not the whole 7 years he had Lewy Body. Sorry I am talking so much. Point being, I used to hear my Dad screaming in pain when we got him out of bed (but he still insisted on getting up, we asked him and warned him moving would hurt) and when Mom couldn’t handle showering him anymore, the hospice worker would come in and shower him and you could hear him screaming all through the house. I used to go outside to try not to hear it and just cry for him. So when poor Dad did pass, I felt relief for his sake to be out of the pain and misery he was suffering. The down side was that because he couldn’t drive anymore, then he couldn’t walk anymore, and he didn’t understand what was going on from the dementia, I was with him constantly. He had to be watched. Also I took him out to Cracker Barrel because he loved to eat there (I still can’t even drive by a Cracker Barrel without crying) and to all of his doctor appointments because Mom works a lot. So caring for him was my whole life these past few years. We were tied at the hip, then suddenly my Buddy was gone! I was very lonely. I no longer had a purpose. So I decided to stay and take care of my Mom, be here for her emotionally since they were married 57 years and had a good marriage. I knew she would be lonely. My sisters have gotten over losing Dad because they have their own lives and families and don’t bother with my parents much. But I am fortunate that I have my mother. When I get down about Dad, I talk to her. We are both haunted by mistakes we made in caring for him. I am lucky that I have my Mom and she always tells me we took good care of Dad and kept him happy and that she wouldn’t want him here just to make us happy while he was suffering so. But it sounds like you have nobody in your family that is supporting you. So I think getting support from a counselor and also online bereavement groups would be good for you. You also lost your father suddenly, without warning. You can’t do the “he is better off” thing to help you through. Instead you probably think of things you didn’t get to say or do, as well as shock. Just know that he knew you loved him. You didn’t have to say it. I don’t know if this will help you, but I have decided that my father put so much into me, I should be the best I can be to further his legacy. He has his children and descendants live on and as long as we all keep going, he is here and the good in him lives on. This thought kind of made me feel worse because I am not doing *** with my life! Like I am letting him down. But it also made me realize I need to get myself together and live on and do great things in his name. You have time to mourn, then pick yourself up and give to society in a positive way, that is your father’s legacy. Your children need you. Don’t let yourself be suicidal. One last thing, I learned from watching Joyce Meyer (a TV preacher).  Remember, I tend towards depression and dwelling on the things that get me down. Joyce said that you do NOT have to give in to your feelings! That was so profound to me. You get a bad thought, you feel that way the rest of the day. No. She said you don’t have to give in to that thought. Shove it right out of your head and you can change your attitude and feelings for the day. I keep distracting myself with tv. I think of Dad and get depressed. Then I say,”I am getting depressed.”  Instead of giving in and just feeling depressed for the rest of the day, I turn on something very fast moving and engrossing and get sucked into the show and stop feeling sad. Of course, there are more positive ways then TV to do this! Volunteer work, exercise, etc.  I hope I didn’t bore you to death, it occurs to me this is probably super long and I should cut it down. I know you are hurting. Losing our fathers is hard. Especially when you have a good relationship with him. It will get easier. You will get to the point where you can think of him and talk about him and smile at the memory instead of cry.  He lives on in you, keep it going. Fake it until you feel it. Meaning be good to your kids and pretend to be interested in what they are doing, even though inside you are  screaming “I don’t care about anything and this conversation feels surreal.” After awhile, you will feel connected again. When my grandma died, it took me 7 years before I could think of her without crying. Now I enjoy talking about her and can laugh about things we did. May God get you through and bless you. 

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I'm sorry for your loss.  I hope time will heal your wounds someday.  Pain is always acute shortly after the passing of loved ones. 

I hope you can do things which will improve your physical health such as healthy eating and exercise.  Good habits will help you handle stress better.  Also, I hope you can do other things such as immerse yourself in healthy distractions, hobbies, reading and the like.  It helps to turn all electronics off, go offline, stay away from social media, computers, cell phone, TV, etc.  Give your brain a mental health break from excessive screen time which turns into a huge time trap.  You'll waste your day on the Internet. 

During my previous bereft state, I turned everything OFF and was amazed at how industrious and productive I became.  I had postponed so many tasks and chores such as decluttering, organizing and getting my life in order.  Once I became organized, I could actually think more clearly without chaos, disorder and junk surrounding me.  

I hope you will continue to grow closer to your sister without bombarding her with your sorrow.  Exercise discretion. 

I'm sorry your daughter is distancing herself from you.  You are a mother of kids so you have no choice but to take care of them which in many ways is a positive distraction.  I remember when my sons were little.  I didn't have enough brain space for grief because I was frenetically paced tending to them which was to my benefit and hopefully yours, too.

Get fresh air, take a walk and don't be cooped up indoors.  Remaining sedentary is so bad for your mind and you will go crazy with misery. 

I've found that whenever I'm super busy, I'm super distracted so I no longer have time and energy to dwell on sad, negative thoughts.  By the time, I have time to think about any depressive thoughts, I feel so exhausted that I  want to sleep instead. 


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  • 10 months later...

My father was just a month away from 75 when he passed away. And it was sudden - out of nowhere. I'm writing to you all here hopefully to help you get through this.

Dad was also my best friend. he was the only one in the family that understood my quirkiness. The only one I could talk to as my marriage self- imploded. He supported my creativity - let me be my true self.

We spoke on the phone about 3pm that day. I went to his house at 7pm and found him on his bathroom floor. Lots of other details, but bottom line - he was gone.

Two weeks before, we had lost my mom's sister. Two weeks after, Mom had a massive stroke. Which she never quite recovered from.

Everywhere I looked, everything was coming unhinged. Got a divorce. Lost my job. In that same year, we had 11 other people pass away in our family.

I went into deep depression mode. What I call 'the black hole". barely functioning. Bathed maybe once a week. Ate peanut butter on bread - cuz it was easy & didn't require me to think.

i am telling you all of this because Dad died almost 19 years ago. And as awful as everything seemed (and was), I am still here.

It may not get any easier. And I Still miss him like it was just yesterday that he left us. BUT -

Eventually you begin to sense them around you. The good memories together make you smile instead of cry. You learn to live your life for the living - your kids, your family.

The pain never quite goes away. But it turns into something you can handle. The ache in your heart keeps him with you. Always. Embrace it.

Not a day passes still that I don't think of my dad. Mostly with smiles. Sometimes with tears. But always, always with love...

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