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We have been together for 5yrs but lately, he is a stranger to me. In the beginning, we would go out and enjoy each other's company. Now he just wants to sit on the couch and play video games. He was laid off from his job so he is home and won't even clean/most days. I have to ask him to do the dishes. He stays up all night doing God knows what. And more recently, he is watching weird highschool teen movies or Korean flower boys movies. The only time he gets excited is when he is watching his shows or playing video game. This behavior was not there in the beginning.  I now nnoy him. He stubborn and I also found gay video that he denies having and be lies about smoking cigarettes when his breathe smells like it. 

The only reason I am still with this guy is because I love him and worry I am the only person who cares about him. He doesn't speak to his mom or cousin  and the pandemic made his behavior much worst and bizzare. The sad part is that I need him to help me with my treatment and with the rent. However, I want us to be roommate and I don't want any sexual contact from but he  forces himself on me at times. This is stressful.

 

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Do you think he is suffering from depression?  What is he doing to try to find another job?  You can love him and be a help to him without being romantically involved.  You can have him move out, you can help him find resources to find a job/get help if he himself wants that and if  you're worried about his health including mental health you can contact one of his friends or even his mom and share your concerns.  There's no reason to be his girlfriend especially if you do not want sexual contact with him.  That likely will worsen his situation and you say you want to help him.

Edited by Batya33
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2 hours ago, Nacy said:

The sad part is that I need him to help me with my treatment and with the rent. However, I want us to be roommate and I don't want any sexual contact from but he  forces himself on me at times. 

 

How can he help you pay for rent if he's unemployed? "Forces himself on you"? Sleep on the couch or kick him out.

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Yes, I feel it's depression.  He's hit a low with himself and his life 😞 

Suggest he seek some therapy.. talk to his doctor.

YOU can only do so much.  Is up to him to reach out and act on it.

Try to be kind but firm, that if he can't 'try' to either look for work and/or seek prof help, that he is going to have to get it together or leave.

Im sure you can look at getting a roommate?

But, you need to try and NOT let him drag you down too,

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2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Do you think he is suffering from depression?

She claims he's happy as ever constantly watching porn, Korean movies, playing video games. And... Claims he rapes her. 

Edited by Wiseman2
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4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Do you think he is suffering from depression?  What is he doing to try to find another job?  You can love him and be a help to him without being romantically involved.  You can have him move out, you can help him find resources to find a job/get help if he himself wants that and if  you're worried about his health including mental health you can contact one of his friends or even his mom and share your concerns.  There's no reason to be his girlfriend especially if you do not want sexual contact with him.  That likely will worsen his situation and you say you want to help him.

He is stubborn and has refused therapy in the past. I am willing to get help together but he does not. He doesn't want anyone knowing about his depressing and personal business. He won't even acknowledge he has a problem. 

However, he has good qualities like helping me with the rent and the cable bill using his unemployment income.

I am just fed up and ready to leave but still very much in love with person he used to be.

Thanks everyone for your insights. I will figure it out eventually.

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16 minutes ago, Nacy said:

However, he has good qualities like helping me with the rent and the cable bill using his unemployment income.

How is that a good quality in a romantic partner? You mean he is thoughtful to pay his expenses? But what does that have to do with your romantic commitment? Being in love with a person he used to be has no relevance to whether you should stay.  Can you imagine writing your own vows "I promise to love the person you used to be".  - would you like someone saying that to you? 

If he won't help himself then I think your answer is clear if you are ever interested in being in a healthful, stable romantic relationship - this has none of the qualities of one, obviously.

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Please get away from this person as soon as you can especially if there's any forcing going on or non-consensual sex. Are there any alcohol or drugs involved? The relationship is as good as over and you must address why you continue to care for someone who rapes or abuses you in any way. 

Find a way to take up extra gigs or work another part time job if you can to make ends meet, apply for other government aid if any, visit or contact a local employment center, warehouse jobs are constantly looking for workers (part time or temporary) for example. Put in a request for extra shifts or extra work at your current employer if you can. I'm not an employment expert - these are just off the top of my head. 

 

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If he won't help himself, then you need to end this.  He is an adult and  you are not responsible for him, your enabling behavior is actually making it worse.   He has no incentive to remove himself from the gaming and movies, as you play maid, cook, and emotional punching bag.  The worst part is that he is forcing himself on you sexually.  

You need to get out of this now. This is so unhealthy!

 Time to love yourself!

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I was in your shoes years ago...it was  5 year relationship. Within 3 months, it all went down hill. He smashed up my car, then was laid off and spent his time playing cards til 5am snaying coke. I found out he was dealing to make money, I kicked him to the curb. Later I found out he was fencing stolen goods, like welders, snowmobiles. So glad I got out of there.

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