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My kids vs the boyfriends nephew


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I am a mom of 2 young kids (7&4) my boyfriend has a nephew (4), and I feel a strong divide between his affection for his nephew vs my kids. He raves a lot about his nephew (he’s such a smart kid, he does all these things. Etc) All I can think every time “Well yeah, so are my kids”
I understand my kids are not his own, but should we one day get married he would be a very strong role in Their lives and all I expect is that he would be for them and treat them like they are his. Be proud of them and what they do. 
I feel very emotionally conflicted as his nephew is his blood, and I’m not sure how or even if that is a conversation to start. 

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His feelings toward his nephew have nothing whatsoever to do with your children.

We have the capacity to love different people in different ways without it taking anything away from the next person.

Also consider him sharing his fondness for his nephew may be a way of showing you that you have similar things in common. 

Not sure what conversation there needs to be.  This sounds like an insecurity of yours you need to handle on your own.

 

Edited by reinventmyself
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How is your co-parenting relationship with your kids father? 

That's who should be "raving about" your kids.

Your BF doesn't have kids so this may not be a good match for you.

In fact, if someone can't even talk about children in thier family without you getting upset and jealous, maybe you're just not ready to date.

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It is not really a one or the other situation. Do you like other kids in your family? Your friends’ kids ? 
 

Is he comparing the kids or just proud of his nephew? When my son was super small my brother had no children yet and my son was a light of his life . My brother subsequently had 3 daughters, he still loves my son. How he felt about my child is still the same even with my son being an adult now. He loves him to pieces still. I love my beautiful nieces as well. 
 

Loving your family’s child is perfectly fine as long as he is not comparing children . 

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What do you think his motivation is?  Is it because you are always talking about your kids and it's his way to relate to you?  Sometimes we project our own insecurities onto the actions and words of others and we make problems.

What would you prefer he do?  not mention his nephew?  be more involved with your kids? Does he know this?

your problem highlights an obvious incompatibility between you two.  It can be hard to date someone with kids when the other person doesn't have kids.  It's a lot of sacrifice on the part of the person without kids.  They always have to take a backseat to the kids.  They have to tolerate the other co-parent and maybe that side of the family to extent.  You and your kids by the sheer fact that there are 3 of you, takes a lot of the air in the room.  

Where is he in all this?  Does he just want to show he has a child in his life, too?  That he has family?  Does he do things to support your role as mother?  Is he supportive to the children?  Do they have a healthy relationship?  Or the start of one?

Or.... are you being super selfish that he's not worshipping your children?  It's been a year and yes, he should have met your kids.  but if you are not getting married or sure that you are, you need to protect your kids.  If you break up, it will hurt them. 

Don't bring guys around that aren't permanent.  And talk to your guy.  What role do you expect him to play with the children.  As a step dad of small children, he has a role to play.  Does he know that?  He isn't a father.  He's a fun uncle.  So before you start blaming him for not meeting your expectations, what have you done to support him in this role and to clue him in on your expectations.  

You may be incompatible.  You may need to communicate more.  Before you jump to conclusions and make him out to be the bad guy, look at it from his perspective.  A single guy without kids does not come fully equipped to be a step dad.  You have to help him along.  

Edited by Lambert
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Yes- he shouldn't be overly involved with your son.  Kids don't "get dating" they 'get attached" so I agree with Seraphim.  If he's constantly bragging about his nephew that would annoy me whether or not I had kids.  Bragging is annoying whether it's about a nephew, a dog, your accomplishments.  His nephew is his blood, his family who he's known much longer than you and likely he's been close with his sibling who is the parent much longer than he has known you.  He's not married to you or your child's father, stepfather or adopted father.  But he is an uncle to a small child.  I raved about my nieces and nephews when they were small and was close over time with most of them.  But no I didn't brag incessantly or compare to the kids of my friends - no point, why? I raved to those I was close to -often those who also had nieces or nephews.  

Don't go down this path IMHO.  First make your marriage or long term commitment plans, then slowly have him get to know your son and discuss if he wants to adopt him, be a stepfather, if he wants more kids -all extremely important. As an aside I think it's  great he's so into his nephew - lucky boy!

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I think your expectations should be that he is pleasant and kind around your children, and that if you two married or lived together, if you're not there, he would use the discipline you have communicated is acceptable. My stepdaughter was 13 when I first started dating my future husband. Since her mother is toxic, he envisioned I'd be the healthy substitute mother for her. I told him not to put pressure on she and me of what our relationship would end up being, because I didn't know what it would evolve to organically. I told him she already has a mother, and that I didn't know if we would end up as friends or that I'd be a mentor, or something else entirely. What I could guarantee is that I'd always be kind and pleasant to her.

You can't predict chemistry or the dynamics of a relationship, nor force any of that. Perhaps he'll always be more excited about his nephew and maybe even love him more than your kids. So what, as long as he's kind to your kids. It's really hard to find a decent, single man who possesses all your major needs. If you want to break up with him and date in search of a man who will love your kids as his own, go ahead and take that risk. It does take a long time to garner that, as you shouldn't be introducing kids until a relationship is serious, and people don't love even a cute kid (not their own) with the snap of a finger. It takes time to build that history. You might reconsider your expectations. 

Edited by Andrina
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12 hours ago, FreeBirdA said:

He raves a lot about his nephew (he’s such a smart kid, he does all these things. Etc) All I can think every time “Well yeah, so are my kids”
I understand my kids are not his own, but should we one day get married he would be a very strong role in Their lives and all I expect is that he would be for them and treat them like they are his.

Okay, but they aren't his.  And you need to back off this kind of thought.

His nephew is his blood and family- of which he has know since the little guy was born,

With you (who he has only dated a year), he is just getting started in getting to know you and them. Your expectations are too much at this time.

You need to give things time.  He may end up okay & able to get close to you all.... or not.

I dated someone who did not seem able to get close to my kids.  He knew they were not his... he just walked into our lives (and it went on for over 4 yrs), but nothing advanced- he did not end up sticking around.

So, in the meanwhile.. he will brag about & be proud for his nephew.. let him.  This just something you need to relax about.

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