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bad breakup - trying to figure out what went wrong and heal


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I'm trying to heal from a break up for which I did not get any closure. I wondering if I did anything wrong. Sorry for the long post, but your input is very much appreciated. 

I was in a relationship with a guy for about 6 months. Things were going really well and we had instant chemistry. We only had one argument which were able to talk about and resolve. 

Our birthdays were 2 days apart and we planned to get a cake to have a joint celebration the two of us. But I couldn't wait for the weekend and I got him a thoughtful gift and surprised him with a tiny cake. He was extremely happy. And so for my birthday, he came to drop off his gift at my place and had to run back home because he had work to do (remote night shift). I called him and thanked him for the beautiful gift and he told me to get ready for a real celebration on the weekend. 

The weekend came and I was expecting him to get a cake for both of us. But he hadn't. So I brought it up causally and he said "it's on the host". Meaning that I don't care, it was up to you to bring a cake. So I got really upset when he said that sentence and did not talk much the whole night. He sense something was wrong and asked me if everything was ok and I couldn't bring it up. So I said everything was fine. The next day I sent him a text saying that I was upset because of what he said and lack of interest in celebrating with me. Then he said come to my place tomorrow and I'll get a cake so we can celebrate. 

I was still salty so I said don't worry about it. I can't come tomorrow but I'll see you later this week. I was busy studying for a test so I didn't message him. We didn't communicate for 5 days. On day 5 I sent him a text asking if he was free to meet up. And he replied by saying no, and that he was breaking up with me. He said he wanted to bring my stuff over. He ignored my later texts about how I couldn't believe he was doing this over a text and that I wanted to meet up to sort things up because couple argue all the time but the manage to resolve the conflict. 

A day later he came to drop my stuff and said that he know I think he is a giant ass, but that he wishes the best for and hopes we can be friends again in the future. I didn't say a word cause I was so hurt. 

A month later I see him on the dating apps and I miss the good times so much. I was hoping he would regret his decision and reach out. But he hasn't and I'm so tempted to reach out. Did I do something wrong? 

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I'm trying to understand why you would want to reach out? Do you feel like you overreacted about the cake or feel guilty that you didn't reach out to him for five days? A break up means that he's no longer interested and his presence on the dating app implies he's interested in meeting someone new (not you).

From his response to you about the cake and the way he left/broke up it sounds like he was not as invested in this. I'm very sorry.

He may have been on the dating apps the whole time he was with you still or seeing other people also. Were you exclusively dating?

 

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Nah, don't reach out.  He's had his say... which was bowing out.

He was maybe overly ticked with how that all went?  Realizing things went bad the weekend/day you were supposed to share the cake..?

Could have felt you were just a little too 'moody' over that & didn't have the patience - some don't  😞 

Either way, let him go.  If he didn't feel enough for you & the relationship by now, he won't.  his loss.

But don't bother him at all.  Let him go do his thing now.

Respect.

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10 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I'm trying to understand why you would want to reach out? Do you feel like you overreacted about the cake or feel guilty that you didn't reach out to him for five days? A break up means that he's no longer interested and his presence on the dating app implies he's interested in meeting someone new (not you).

From his response to you about the cake and the way he left/broke up it sounds like he was not as invested in this. I'm very sorry.

He may have been on the dating apps the whole time he was with you still or seeing other people also. Were you exclusively dating?

 

Thanks, I agree. He probably wasn't as invested and I just failed to see it. I'm sure his account was deactivated when we were together and he wasn't talking to anyone. He is 31 and had never been in a relationship before. 

I just miss the good times. And yes, I believe I shouldn't have been so upset over a cake and communicated better with him. 

The last day we spend together he was talking about the future and and how he didn't want me to leave ever. I was completely blindsided by his text which said "I think we may not be a great fit. I want to return your stuff". 

 

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11 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Nah, don't reach out.  He's had his say... which was bowing out.

He was maybe overly ticked with how that all went?  Realizing things went bad the weekend/day you were supposed to share the cake..?

Could have felt you were just a little too 'moody' over that & didn't have the patience - some don't  😞 

Either way, let him go.  If he didn't feel enough for you & the relationship by now, he won't.  his loss.

But don't bother him at all.  Let him go do his thing now.

Respect.

It would've helped me to get some closure as to why he did it so abruptly after our first fight. But I agree, he probably won't be able to give me that closure and he had his say. 

Thank you so much! this was helpful. 

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Nope, don't look to them for 'closure', that's up to you to deal with.

May not have anything much to do with the fight.  Could just have been his excuse for a way out.

Either way, he copped out.  Let it go now.

I know.. this sucks 😞 .. we need to learn to be strong.. keep going.

Accept.. heal.. move on 😉 

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7 minutes ago, LolitaCorenberg said:

He is 31 and had never been in a relationship before. 

Seriously?  Wow, that makes one question.. :/ 

Are you sure about this?  Or just what he says?  Could have been in plenty, just nothing ever lasts.  Some are commitment phobes.

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It's okay to miss the good times. Seeing your ex on a dating app is also hard.. and becoming quite common these days, regardless of how awkward and surreal it seems. Give yourself a few days to shake this off and get back to loving your life and enjoying being you. I think you'll thank yourself later on not reaching out.

 

 

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2 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Seriously?  Wow, that makes one question.. 😕

Are you sure about this?  Or just what he says?  Could have been in plenty, just nothing ever lasts.  Some are commitment phobes.

Yeah it was strange to me when he first mentioned it. He told me he was overweight most his life and only had 2 one night-stands. He seemed to be very shy and socially isolated. But it could very well be the case that he had many short lasting relationships. 

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7 hours ago, LolitaCorenberg said:

 we planned to get a cake to have a joint celebration the two of us. But I couldn't wait . 

Why did you unilaterally change plans?

Then want continued cakes and celebrations after you already jumped ahead and after he came by to give you a gift?

The silent treatment and curt "fine" answers are equally confusing. 

It was 24 weeks of dating, but some good lessons were learned.

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't play passive aggressive guessing games.

Also you had an agenda. That agenda was you would change the plans so he got a little something "as a surprise", for his birthday but you wanted him to go all out for yours.

Reflect on what you want in a relationship. Be honest cooperative and forthcoming. Don't confuse and frustrate people with guessing games and changing plans.

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5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why did you unilaterally change plans?

Then want continued cakes and celebrations after you already jumped ahead and after he came by to give you a gift?

The silent treatment and curt "fine" answers are equally confusing. 

It was 24 weeks of dating, but some good lessons were learned.

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't play passive aggressive guessing games.

Also you had an agenda. That agenda was you would change the plans so he got a little something "as a surprise", for his birthday but you wanted him to go all out for yours.

Reflect on what you want in a relationship. Be honest cooperative and forthcoming. Don't confuse and frustrate people with guessing games and changing plans.

It wasn't unilateral. So I told him it'd like to give his gift on his birthday and he said sure. So that day I went to his place with the gift and the cake so he could blow the candle and he was exhilarated. Two days later he surprised me by coming to my place and dropping off my gift but immediately left (I saw him in the car). Then he told me on the phone that I should get ready for a real celebration for the weekend. I assumed he remembered that I would like to blow the candles with him too. And I did bring it up when I was it place and he clearly remembered that we were supposed to get the cake for a joint celebration. But he dodged the topic and put the responsibility on me by saying "it's on the host". Which is strange cause he was the host that night. Yes I should've have communicated better. But I did  tell him we can meet later that week. And since I was upset (it could be for any reason not just the cake) I was hoping he would text me during those 5 days. And when he didn't I still reached out to meet him. What I did in terms of communication was immature, but so was his behaviour imo. He didn't even let me apologize. 

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And I forgot this detail: He followed me with a fake instagram account on Valentine's Day and like the photos I hadn't shown him. I'm 99.9% sure it was him. He is not on any social media. But when we were together we would joke about having him make a fake account to just follow me. And that's what messed up my mind thinking he might be sad about the breakup too. 

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20 minutes ago, LolitaCorenberg said:

And I forgot this detail: He followed me with a fake instagram account on Valentine's Day and like the photos I hadn't shown him. I'm 99.9% sure it was him. He is not on any social media. But when we were together we would joke about having him make a fake account to just follow me. And that's what messed up my mind thinking he might be sad about the breakup too. 

This is a bit gross. No no, let this go. Both of you shared a lovely time for six months but I don't think this is your fault. He shouldn't be (no one should) making fake accounts to follow anyone else. It's all head games and you deserve better. 

The cake thing was a shame because both of you had birthdays so close and it would have been nice to have a good weekend. If anything you've owned up to your mistake about communication so this is a small lesson to take to future dates. No harm done now. Best to let this guy go. He walked out of your life over something so minor and I'd think six months is enough time to know when someone should stay or go. If he isn't certain about you after the time you've spent together, definitely let him go. 

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21 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

This is a bit gross. No no, let this go. Both of you shared a lovely time for six months but I don't think this is your fault. He shouldn't be (no one should) making fake accounts to follow anyone else. It's all head games and you deserve better. 

The cake thing was a shame because both of you had birthdays so close and it would have been nice to have a good weekend. If anything you've owned up to your mistake about communication so this is a small lesson to take to future dates. No harm done now. Best to let this guy go. He walked out of your life over something so minor and I'd think six months is enough time to know when someone should stay or go. If he isn't certain about you after the time you've spent together, definitely let him go. 

Thanks! I totally agree, I learned my lesson and I'm looking for more suitable matches for me. I believe I dodged a bullet because he was the type to leave at the first sign of trouble. 

It's just that with COVID I keep thinking about reaching out to have a causal/fwb type of thing going on for us. We had amazing chemistry and he lives 5 min away from me. So I'm just tempted to see if he would be open to that. 

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2 minutes ago, LolitaCorenberg said:

Thanks! I totally agree, I learned my lesson and I'm looking for more suitable matches for me. I believe I dodged a bullet because he was the type to leave at the first sign of trouble. 

It's just that with COVID I keep thinking about reaching out to have a causal/fwb type of thing going on for us. We had amazing chemistry and he lives 5 min away from me. So I'm just tempted to see if he would be open to that. 

I don't think it's a good idea. The reason is the short time frame and need for healing. The very first sentence up top that you started with is this "I'm trying to heal from a break up for which I did not get any closure." You're not ready to have sex with this guy again no strings attached if you're still trying to heal from a break up. Don't lie to yourself that you're okay because you still sound a bit miffed about the way he reacted over the cake. Finding closure or healing won't come with sexual or physical validation. You are trying to find a way to see him again and feel good about how you both left off. 

Break ups are always unsettling and sometimes there is no easy way to smooth things over. Time heals things over. Covid is not a good reason to seek validation from someone who threw you aside. Don't do it. If he rejects your idea or your body or minimizes you, how you feel, disagrees with what you say or passes any other rude comments you don't like you will get hurt. And all over a man who left a relationship over cake. 

Give this more time. When you're ready to meet someone or open your heart up again, you'll be happy this guy walked out. 

 

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Nope, bad idea.  You will "catch feelings" or your feelings will continue and then you'll be hurt when he tells you "but you said we were just FWB!" when you ask him if you two are back together.  Or if he ditches you because he met someone else.

Don't demote yourself.  

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1 hour ago, LolitaCorenberg said:

I keep thinking about reaching out to have a causal/fwb type of thing going on for us.

Why not leave confusing situations in the past?

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You don't have to have any experience with romantic relationships to know how to react to kind and thoughtful gestures on birthdays.

And I agree with Andrina and Rose.

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