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Caught between two ladies


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This forum was incredibly helpful to me in college, and I'm hoping it can help give me some clarity now. I currently live with my girlfriend of 4.5 years, for whom I have a lot of love, routine comforts, and wonderful memories. We've had a variety of issues regarding communication, behavior, and, above all, sexual chemistry. For a long time now I've struggled with my attraction to her and desire for physical intimacy. Last year, I'd already decided that the relationship wasn't functioning properly and it was time to move on when a long-time friend and colleague expressed romantic interest in me. After my girlfriend and I broke up, I went on two dates with this woman. We had an electric connection in every way and everything that I'd been missing physically in my relationship was present with this new woman. My only real issue was that she had two children, and I wasn't sure that this was going to work out for me. At the same time, I'd become more and more unsure of my decision to break up with my girlfriend, and it was causing me a lot of deep grief. When it became clear my girlfriend was going to leave our state and I would never see her again, I was terrified of this happening and wanted to stop it. We decided to try to fix the relationship, I moved back in, and we began couple's therapy over seven months ago. There have been times I feel like we've made a lot of progress. However, I have also struggled with a very powerful and almost daily attraction to the new woman. I'm not proud of it, but I continued texting her for many months after I decided to try and make it work with my girlfriend. At this point, I am no longer speaking to her, but there is still a part of me that contemplates breaking up with my girlfriend for good and reaching out to this woman. Unfortunately, I still have not been able to fix my physical chemistry with my girlfriend.

I've always considered myself a moral person and one who tries hard to do the right thing. But now I'm feeling guilty for all of this, plus extremely confused and unhappy. I don't trust my feelings and my decision-making process anymore. I'm not sure if I only want to be with my girlfriend because of friendship, comfort, and desire not to hurt her. I would appreciate any thoughts.

Edited by The_Wanderer0906
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2 minutes ago, The_Wanderer0906 said:

Unfortunately, I still have not been able to fix my physical chemistry with my girlfriend.

I think this is your main issue.  It probably won't get better with time, especially if you add kids into the mix.  

You're just prolonging breaking up, and the longer you do this, the more painful it will be and the more lives (kids' lives) it will hurt.

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It is interesting that you say you've always considered yourself a morale person that tries to do the right things.  Maybe you are in other areas but reading this, as an outsider, no. You are not. 

Everything you've done with both these woman has been pretty self serving.  you're feeling guilty, unhappy & confused  because on some level you know this is true. 

You are also very black and white- this woman or that woman. 

Honestly it sounds like neither woman is really what you want. You just know you don't want to be alone... which is exactly what you need to do and be. 

Learn to be good alone. The rest will work itself out.  Don't waste people's time (your girlfriend) don't get involved with single moms,  if you don't want kids.

Edited by Lambert
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2 minutes ago, Lambert said:

It is interesting that you say you've always considered yourself a morale person that tries to do the right things.  Maybe you are in other areas but reading this, as an outsider, no. You are not. 

 

Right.  Secretly texting this other woman while working on your relationship with your committed girlfriend was wrong. 

 

4 minutes ago, Lambert said:

You are also very black and white- this woman or that woman. 

 

I do think in a normal exclusive and committed relationship, it IS fairly black and white.  When you commit to one woman, you're saying, "No," to all the other women out there.  And vice versa.

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31 minutes ago, Lambert said:

It is interesting that you say you've always considered yourself a morale person that tries to do the right things.  Maybe you are in other areas but reading this, as an outsider, no. You are not. 

 

23 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Right.  Secretly texting this other woman while working on your relationship with your committed girlfriend was wrong. 

Hard to read, but I very much agree that it was wrong. That's why I feel so ashamed now. I would hope that my character is not defined by this mistake.

Thank you both for the advice. It felt great to explain and hear other's thoughts.

 

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1 minute ago, The_Wanderer0906 said:

 

Hard to read, but I very much agree that it was wrong. That's why I feel so ashamed now. I would hope that my character is not defined by this mistake.

Thank you both for the advice. It felt great to explain and hear other's thoughts.

 

You can make better choices going forward. Learn from your mistakes. Do better.  That way they won't define you. 

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1 minute ago, The_Wanderer0906 said:

Hard to read, but I very much agree that it was wrong. That's why I feel so ashamed now. I would hope that my character is not defined by this mistake.

 

I think you have to look at why you are trying to force yourself to stay committed to a woman you have bad sexual chemistry with?  Because that's when you were so tempted and started behaving in a way that makes you feel guilty over.  You didn't marry her, so I don't understand trying to go to counseling to fix something you can just realistically break up over and choose better next time.

And no... it definitely doesn't, "define," your character, but if you keep repeating choices like that, then yes, your choices overtime define who you are becoming.

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1 hour ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I think you have to look at why you are trying to force yourself to stay committed to a woman you have bad sexual chemistry with?  Because that's when you were so tempted and started behaving in a way that makes you feel guilty over.  You didn't marry her, so I don't understand trying to go to counseling to fix something you can just realistically break up over and choose better next time.

I have been struggling with this and trying to reflect. I do love her and there are many wonderful things and times that we share. I'm attached to our life together, that we've built over a long time.

I also feel responsible for her - just after we met, she was in a very serious accident, and I did a lot to take care of her. When we broke up she was completely devastated. I am afraid of going back, mentally and emotionally, to that place.

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2 minutes ago, The_Wanderer0906 said:

I have been struggling with this and trying to reflect. I do love her and there are many wonderful things and times that we share. I'm attached to our life together, that we've built over a long time.

I also feel responsible for her - just after we met, she was in a very serious accident, and I did a lot to take care of her. When we broke up she was completely devastated. I am afraid of going back, mentally and emotionally, to that place.

It's your life, so if you want to sacrifice ever being sexually fulfilled and happy in that way, to stay with her, that's your choice.  I don't think marriages like that work out well though.  I think you'd be setting yourself up for a lifetime of deep unhappiness and constant temptation to cheat on her.

As a side note... I think a lot of people, men and women, stay with people they aren't crazy about, and then when they're tempted, they start having affairs (texting is a form of an emotional affair).

Of course if you leave you'll hurt her, but I think staying with her is worse because you are depriving her of being with someone who actually could have good sexual chemistry with her.

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10 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Of course if you leave you'll hurt her, but I think staying with her is worse because you are depriving her of being with someone who actually could have good sexual chemistry with her.

Thank you. I have also discussed this with professional counseling. It is very clear to me now if this aspect of the relationship cannot be improved, then the relationship needs to end.

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I am not going to judge you on the fact you don't know which one to choose. Because there is a good chance you could lose both. Maybe the one you feel attracted to does not have the same interest in you, or the same beliefs and values as you. The main point is that is sounds to me like you have had done all that you could even with counseling, to cultivate certain attractions for this girlfriend that it is simply not coming to you naturally. It sounds like you have a solid friendship with your current girlfriend, and don't want to lose that,  but the attraction and sexual chemistry is not there, and that is something that feels important to you. Your decision should not be based on the woman that you are attracted to. It should be base upon the question, is this who you want to be holding your hand and grow old with?  Is she your ride or die? Physical attraction and sexual compatibility are very important in a relationship. If you are having issues with that now, who is to say that down the road that you might be tempted to cheat with someone that you are attracted to and the sex much better? Would that be fair to her? I think you are maybe avoiding the part of being alone and it's making you uncomfortable. Maybe you should take some time alone, or if on a break, and want to see other people, please be forthright with her. Don't take a break just to see how things go with someone else. I've been on the receiving end of "breaks" where he went to see what else was a better fit for him, and I was the fall back girl. Please don't do that to her. And don't settle for less than all you want and need in a relationship. It seems to me you are because the idea of losing the friendship and being alone is unfamiliar territory. Good luck.

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Ahhh... 2 women.. not a nice place, is it?  😞 

Yup, if you are still emotionally invested in one, you cannot just plainly move on to another.

You are still attached to your gf.. but got what you were craving from another... As mentioned, could very well be that neither as possibly any good for YOU.

The worst thing to do now though, is try to figure out 'which one'.

IMO.. is neither one.

IF you loved the first one enough, you would have not done this to her. Sure, you care and have some emotions for her... BUT you are no longer 'in love', are you?

So... you NEED time to accept & work thru all of this- and the worst thing to do is get involved again, so quickly. ( is called a rebound... you did not have anything to 'give' this new one - and all happened so fast- kinda freaked you out?).

What you DO need is a good while on your own... to work on accepting that things just might be done with this one.  Even though you care for her, things aren't the same - and do you no good.

Do not go using women... that it selfish 😞 

Yes, you go on your own and work through all of this.. Is NOTHING wrong with being single for a good while- so you do NOT go messing anyone else up.

So, do that.  Continue your therapy- which will help you work through this mess.. and get yourself back to good.

 

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Honestly, I don't blame you. Don't get me wrong, because I don't want to send the wrong message here.

Cheating is wrong, even emotional cheating. 

But you've gotten yourself into a situation where you are with a woman who fulfills you in every way possible...apart from sexual.

You've fooled yourself into believing that it doesn't matter and that you can still get by without that component.

But you really are kidding yourself. Your actions prove that. You have a strong desire to be with someone where there is fireworks, where you want her sexually and it's exciting.

You don't have that with your current girlfriend and no matter how you try to change things or "fix" things...that component just is never going to be there.

You need to acknowledge that.

With this other woman, she lacks nearly everything else apart from the sexual desires. She is not your ideal partner and  you won't be happy with her. You two are a mismatch as well.

I do feel for you, in the way that it really is a shame that you and your current do not have sexual chemistry but you have everything else...because it is not going to work, no matter how badly you want it to.

You have tried to ignore the fact that the lack of sexual desire for your current doesn't matter, but it really does and you will turn into a cheater even more, if you don't stop what you're doing.

What you're doing is playing with two women's hearts and emotions. Neither of them are going to be fulfilled or happy, because you don't honestly want either one 100%.

You are going to hurt someone very badly or continue to hurt someone.

You have only one choice here, OP....and it's to give both of these women up.

Neither of them are right for you, and both may have some things that work, but they also have things to do not work and will never work.

Neither of them are Ms.Right and you need to stop fooling yourself about that now.

You are also afraid of being alone, which is why you panicked over your gf leaving. That's another issue you need to acknowledge. 

It's okay to be alone if you haven't found the right person yet...and you haven't...you're only holding onto people who aren't right for you, just so you won't be alone.

But the only choice here is to let them both go. Be honest with them, that neither are going to work and you need to accept that once and for all.

Yes, it will take time for you to heal from all of it, you will have to face yourself and your own issues once you're alone.

But it's the right thing to do.

In time, you will heal enough where fear of being alone no longer exists and you will be in the right headspace to meet someone who really could be Miss Right and will connect with you on every level, including sexual desire.

I think you knew all of the above all along...you just needed someone to say it out loud to you.

 

 

Edited by SherrySher
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You do know there is very likely a woman out there somewhere who will fulfill both your emotional and sexual needs.  But you'll never find her if you choose to continue to play with both of these women.

They will survive without you.  Don't be so full of yourself that you think without you they won't be able to live.  They will.  And they will likely find a man who doesn't have his eye on someone else while claiming to love them.

In other words, stop being selfish and stop playing martyr.  It's fine for you to break up with both of them so you can find the right woman for you and they can find the right men for them.

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The people that don't make you happy are only showing you what you need in order to be happy and the kindest thing is to let go. There is life after that and it's not always a neat closing of a chapter. The best you can do is just believe and try to live the way you feel you should live. 

Everything else will fall into place later bit by bit.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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