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Boyfriend of two years ghosting me


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My boyfriend of two years has been ghosting me for the past 48 hours. It’s also our anniversary weekend.

 

A little history...

 

Our relationship started out really strong and was great. We just clicked. When COVID hit, we took the self isolation very seriously and didn’t see each other from March 2020-June 2020. We still talked daily and had virtual dates. Starting in June, we picked up with in person dates and stopped isolating. Right after Christmas, the county we live in went back into lockdown and we haven’t seen each other since Christmas Day.

 

I know he’s overwhelmed with work and shuts down when he gets stressed. But during the second lockdown my grandmother passed away and he barely acknowledged it. He tells me that him shutting down has nothing to do with us. That he loves me and I’m very important to him. But it’s been 48 hours and I haven’t heard from him. He’s not responding to text messages. He’s never done this before. 
 

I don’t know what to do. 

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I'm sorry.  this has to be painful for you. 

I don't think there is anything you can do.  Other than recognize a few things for yourself...

1. he is responsible for his actions

2. you can't control anyone but yourself

3. you can decide what you will and won't tolerate from a partner. 

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How long are you willing to tolerate a one-sided relationship? No matter how wonderful the beginnings were, it's all about what's happening in the present. Why are you sending numerous text messages. You send one and if there is no reply, you stop. A person with a healthy self esteem doesn't plead for attention. Let actions or non-actions speak for themselves. If you don't like the way he's a partner to you, and communication hasn't resulted in any positive change, realize he doesn't care as much as you do, and that's not good enough for your one precious life.

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So, no emotional support 😞 ... so sorry, loss is hard.

With him shutting down- shutting you out, is another stressor.

I understand sometimes people need some time alone, but is he just ignoring you? - As mentioned, do not blow up his phone with too many messages... He gets them, he knows.

Things will not be good in this if he's got communication issue's.

Just hope he snaps back within the next day... If not, leave him be.. BUT if this continues, don't accept this behaviour!

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He doesn’t handle stress well at all and I try to be supportive of him and sweet to him. When he needs time to decompress or recharge, I let him have it. But he always comes back within a few hours. The longest has been twelve until this time.

 

As for texting him, I’ve sent a few texts. Asking if he’s okay, asking him not to shut me out. I sent one that just said “I’ll leave you alone, I’m sorry”. It’s been 12 hours since I sent that. 
 

I just don’t know what to do or how to handle this. Do I take it as a breakup? I’d like to think that if he didn’t want to be with me (even though he says he does and is just stressed) he would at least tell me.

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Why are you so passive? Take it as a breakup? Why are you giving him power and leave the decision to him? How about this isn't the way a bf treats his gf, and YOU need to decide you deserve better. You're making excuses for him. When a person values you and doesn't want to lose you, they treat you as the special person you are in order to keep you their life. And he wouldn't necessarily just tell you he wants to break up. Some people are cowards and don't want to deal with possible drama if they say they wish to break up. Some guys will treat a woman poorly so she will do the deed. 

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4 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Why are you so passive? Take it as a breakup? Why are you giving him power and leave the decision to him? How about this isn't the way a bf treats his gf, and YOU need to decide you deserve better. You're making excuses for him. When a person values you and doesn't want to lose you, they treat you as the special person you are in order to keep you their life. And he wouldn't necessarily just tell you he wants to break up. Some people are cowards and don't want to deal with possible drama if they say they wish to break up. Some guys will treat a woman poorly so she will do the deed. 

You’re right, I do make excuses for him. What’s happening right now it’s absolutely not okay. 

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I agree with the others and I am just chiming in to say I am sorry you are being treated this way and sorry for your loss of your grandmother! He really is just so thoughtless and this is also cowardly on his part.  You deserve better.

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1 hour ago, ColleyFlower said:

He doesn’t handle stress well at all and I try to be supportive of him and sweet to him. When he needs time to decompress or recharge, I let him have it. But he always comes back within a few hours. The longest has been twelve until this time.

 

As for texting him, I’ve sent a few texts. Asking if he’s okay, asking him not to shut me out. I sent one that just said “I’ll leave you alone, I’m sorry”. It’s been 12 hours since I sent that. 
 

I just don’t know what to do or how to handle this. Do I take it as a breakup? I’d like to think that if he didn’t want to be with me (even though he says he does and is just stressed) he would at least tell me.

What does he do for you?   Did you talk to him about how he reacted when you lost your grandmother? 

Stop reaching out to him.  He sounds like a lousy bf.

 

Edited by Hollyj
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Just now, Hollyj said:

What does he do for you?   Did you talk to him about how he reacted when you lost your grandmother? 

Stop reaching out to him.

 

Yeah, we had a long conversation about a week ago about how I felt. He knows it hurts that he showed no compassion when I lost my grandmother.

 

I guess he doesn’t really do anything for me other than complain about how stressed he is. 

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1 minute ago, ColleyFlower said:

Yeah, we had a long conversation about a week ago about how I felt. He knows it hurts that he showed no compassion when I lost my grandmother.

 

I guess he doesn’t really do anything for me other than complain about how stressed he is. 

Then you need to address why you are still with him.  Honey, you deserve better.  

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2 hours ago, ColleyFlower said:

When he needs time to decompress or recharge, I let him have it. But he always comes back within a few hours.

I’ve sent a few texts. Asking if he’s okay, asking him not to shut me out. I sent one that just said “I’ll leave you alone, I’m sorry”. It’s been 12 hours since I sent that. 

Excellent you stopped texting for at least 12 hours. Just step back. You're not giving anyone "space" if you're texting every few hours.

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1 minute ago, smackie9 said:

I have a question...what are his stresses that he seems to never get a grip on? what is your usual reaction when he mentions his stresses?

 

 

His job works him really hard and is his main stressor. I just listen to him vent and try to support him by offering to do little things for him to make his life easier. Bring him coffee (he’s a Starbucks addict), lunch, cook dinner...little things.

 

He’s also really stressed and frustrated with the pandemic. I don’t like isolating separately, but I try to be patient with it. Because of my job, I’m around a lot of different people, so I try to understand him wanting to be safe. 

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23 minutes ago, ColleyFlower said:

His job works him really hard and is his main stressor. I just listen to him vent and try to support him by offering to do little things for him to make his life easier. Bring him coffee (he’s a Starbucks addict), lunch, cook dinner...little things.

 

He’s also really stressed and frustrated with the pandemic. I don’t like isolating separately, but I try to be patient with it. Because of my job, I’m around a lot of different people, so I try to understand him wanting to be safe. 

Yes I understand that depression has taken over the world, and it's been a major crisis. Some go off the deep end while others like myself take it in stride. It's a crap shoot day to day survival.

So what is he doing to relieve his stress?

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7 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Yes I understand that depression has taken over the world, and it's been a major crisis. Some go off the deep end while others like myself take it in stride. It's a crap shoot day to day survival.

So what is he doing to relieve his stress?

He doesn’t do anything. He just complains and gets moody. 
 

Normally, it’s silly, sweet and loving. It’s just been the last couple of months. I’ll see snippets of his silly and playful side, but he’s usually overwhelmed. 

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5 minutes ago, ColleyFlower said:

He doesn’t do anything. He just complains and gets moody. 
 

Normally, it’s silly, sweet and loving. It’s just been the last couple of months. I’ll see snippets of his silly and playful side, but he’s usually overwhelmed. 

Maybe it would be helpful for him to suggest you two share an evening walk together, or some social distancing activity. Exercise of some kind usually helps release endorphins and dopamine. How about horseback riding, man I would be all over that.

Edited by smackie9
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I'm sorry this is happening and also for the loss of your grandmother. He may not be the right guy for you and isn't what you need in a partner. It sounds like he has other things on his mind and is too preoccupied. The type or frequency of texting might not be what you need either in a relationship. People have different ways of communicating and not everyone wants to talk about problems or stress or relay all the details in one day. 

He shouldn't be taking out his stress on you either and I think you've done a lot. That's very kind taking him coffee, bringing or taking him out to lunch and dinner etc. You don't need to keep being supportive all the time. When you feel the urge to take him coffee, buy a scone or something delightful and delicious for yourself instead. You're burning yourself out caring for him. 

Give it some room and let him come to you. When you start looking after yourself you might realize how little you need of someone who makes so little effort to be in your life or part of it. 

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11 hours ago, ColleyFlower said:

Yes. He is alive. He just texted me actually.

Of course he is. It seems he needs more space and distance in a relationship than you do.

He seems distant to you and you seem clingy and smothering to him.

He seems to manage it by letting several of your messages go by without responding for a while.

Step back. That way you're managing and in control and can restore some equilibrium.

The more you cling and text-tether, the more he'll pull back. 

While stepping back, reflect if you want to be with someone who keeps you at arms length.

Edited by Wiseman2
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