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My husband suggested dissolving the marriage but not ending the relationship. What to do?


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Posted (edited)
15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It very negatively affects his credit. Check your credit score and talk to an attorney.

He may be able to help set you and your child up in an apt and then in time you can enjoy your life, your child and co-parenting. Child maintenance is for the child, not for you...and it's the law.

Talk to a lawyer. Your friends and family are getting burned out because you are not talking to an attorney and talking about a great deal of tangential issues.

You keep steering this toward AUS and your education/profession. That has nothing to do with this.

He wants a divorce, you need an attorney, it's that simple. This has zero to do with covid, Cambridge, etc.

The most pressing issue is he wants a divorce. And you can stay in the UK. 

Honestly, no, you're stating things that are incorrect. My family and friends are not getting burnt out over this because I have not been discussing any of this with them, which I stated in a previous post. I also stated that this was a  private financial arrangement between my step-father and I, so no, it doesn't effect my credit score, which is great by the way, or my husband's. Before this degree I worked hard and saved hard for everything I ever got. I never took out loans and I always paid things outright only after I'd saved enough for that which I wanted, which I also did with my education other than the maintenance cost. I don't keep steering towards it. I've written time and again that I've already graduated have not pursued more education; I've been seeking employment ever since, in a number of fields, anything to get a solid income. I have already agreed to a divorce and actually pushed that, to which he responds, "I'm not saying I want a divorce, I just want to unwind the twisted foundation.", which, to me, can only be a divorce. I'm not stopping him or fighting that.

The question I came here initially asking was whether or not I should fly out immediately (15th of March) I wait until May when the costs are lower and travel restrictions a little looser as that is what my husband is recommending and advising against going immediately. I've never opposed leaving or ending the relationship.

 

Edited by LotusBlack
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Can you tolerate six to eight more weeks of his verbal and emotional abuse?  Can your child?

Yes, your child knows.  Children are not clueless beings.  Every single child that is in a home where there's abuse is aware of it even when their parents swear they are never "exposed" to it.

If you can try your best to stay out of your husband's way for the next several weeks, it might be better to wait it out.

And absolutely see an attorney, ASAP.

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I think you need to read the writing on the wall: this relationship is over. 

“Unwinding the twisted foundation” is a frilly and silly way to say “I want to make sure I’m happy being single before I cut the cord.” No twisted foundations are going to “unwound” by sending your wife and child to the other side of the world. That’s asinine, and I would personally be tremendously insulted that he even suggested it. This guy wants you and his own son far, far away. You are giving him way too much credit. 

Start getting your ducks in a row to proceed with a divorce. This isn’t going to work and you deserve a lot more than a man who had the stones to suggest you and his baby should camp out on another continent waiting to see if he might develop feelings for you. 

You both need to remember the effect of a move like this on your child, and on his future relationship with both you and his dad. You are not wrong to want some more support, but how much of a supporting role will your child’s dad really play from the other end of the earth? Does neither of you wonder how that might affect your little one who won’t understand why his dad is suddenly never around? He’s very young now, but not so young as to be totally unaffected by a sudden and dramatic shift in his surroundings and his family unit. 

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Posted (edited)
25 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I think you need to read the writing on the wall: this relationship is over. 

“Unwinding the twisted foundation” is a frilly and silly way to say “I want to make sure I’m happy being single before I cut the cord.” No twisted foundations are going to “unwound” by sending your wife and child to the other side of the world. That’s asinine, and I would personally be tremendously insulted that he even suggested it. This guy wants you and his own son far, far away. You are giving him way too much credit. 

Start getting your ducks in a row to proceed with a divorce. This isn’t going to work and you deserve a lot more than a man who had the stones to suggest you and his baby should camp out on another continent waiting to see if he might develop feelings for you. 

You both need to remember the effect of a move like this on your child, and on his future relationship with both you and his dad. You are not wrong to want some more support, but how much of a supporting role will your child’s dad really play from the other end of the earth? Does neither of you wonder how that might affect your little one who won’t understand why his dad is suddenly never around? He’s very young now, but not so young as to be totally unaffected by a sudden and dramatic shift in his surroundings and his family unit. 

Oh no, I'm under no illusion that it is over. I already had said to him that there were only two options, we either seek help and move forward together and both make it work if there is a foundation for that, or we part ways and there is no coming back as I'm not interested in bouncing back and forth, particularly as I have to put my son first. I've been very sensitive to how this all may effect him and have been taking steps to reduce as much damage as possible. And, since the first "option" is clearly not an option, the only thing left to do is leave. It's just now a matter of when. 

Edited by LotusBlack
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My answer will be short and to the point. He doesn't love you, he will never love you. 

You need to leave and move back to your own country as soon as you can.

Your children are young enough that they will be able to handle change much easier right now and will be able to cope with your husband not being around. (I do believe children need their parents, but in this case, it's not possible).

The obvious most ideal situation would be if you lived in the same city (or country) and your children could see their father, but being as this isn't a possibility, they are still young enough that they can get used to a new situation without him.

I don't think anything else is even an option right now unless you want to prolong your pain and empty hope.

Edited by SherrySher
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Talk to a lawyer before you leave. The reason is the child. A divorce between two people will happen inevitably if the relationship is over but there is paperwork to follow up on also. You want to make sure you understand what you need to do in order to sever ties responsibly without having issues with child custody, payments or divorce proceedings.. try thinking long term for the sake of starting over and for your child. 

This might or might not involve a flight back to Australia. Your biggest thing to do now is talk to a lawyer and get the right paperwork/know what you have to do or what the timeline will be. Don't waste more time or money over this marriage. It's over. 

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6 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

My answer will be short and to the point. He doesn't love you, he will never love you. 

You need to leave and move back to your own country as soon as you can.

Your children are young enough that they will be able to handle change much easier right now and will be able to cope with your husband not being around. (I do believe children need their parents, but in this case, it's not possible).

The obvious most ideal situation would be if you lived in the same city (or country) and your children could see their father, but being as this isn't a possibility, they are still young enough that they can get used to a new situation without him.

I don't think anything else is even an option right now unless you want to prolong your pain and empty hope.

No, he doesn't and won't ever love me. I accepted that a long time ago and intended to book a flight out of the UK as soon as possible. I'm just waiting on the international transfer to process before I can complete booking. The thing that had me hesitating in the past was separating my son and his father. It's not just another town or city, it's another country, as you said, and I know he loves him and has gotten emotional in the past when I've gone through the booking process for a flight. He said he wouldn't stop me this time though. So, I will go.

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2 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Talk to a lawyer before you leave. The reason is the child. A divorce between two people will happen inevitably if the relationship is over but there is paperwork to follow up on also. You want to make sure you understand what you need to do in order to sever ties responsibly without having issues with child custody, payments or divorce proceedings.. try thinking long term for the sake of starting over and for your child. 

This might or might not involve a flight back to Australia. Your biggest thing to do now is talk to a lawyer and get the right paperwork/know what you have to do or what the timeline will be. Don't waste more time or money over this marriage. It's over. 

In terms of flying itself, I know from when I intended to book flights in the past and when i applied for my son's Australian citizenship that I needed to get, and have already obtained written permission from my husband that states I may leave with our son without issue. I was required to get that when I applied for his Aus citizenship and it is attached to my husband's passport identification as our son is also a Japanese citizen.

I am certain that I won't meet any resistance when leaving with my son as my husband is here alone without any family or other support either and he is dedicated to his research, which he does 7 days a week his lab and has a fellowship that he is tied to. He cannot look after our son alone or even part time and wouldn't want to do that. He's happy enough to play with him when he gets home and take him for an hour so I can get a break, but beyond that, he's married to his work and that's how he likes it, anything else would be inconvenient. But, of course, I will be legalising that with an attorney.

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You'd be surprised how suddenly attached people can become to their kids once it becomes apparent they might "lose" their spouse and their children.  He may fight you.  He may try to take the child to Japan or keep the child with him.

Absolutely get everything ironed out with an attorney.

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18 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You'd be surprised how suddenly attached people can become to their kids once it becomes apparent they might "lose" their spouse and their children.  He may fight you.  He may try to take the child to Japan or keep the child with him.

Absolutely get everything ironed out with an attorney.

YES!! Please see a lawyer. Parents who may lose a child all of a sudden do crazy things, like take the child elsewhere or hide them with a relative/friend. 

They may promise you that they would never do that and would never keep your son from you, but it could be a lie so you let your guard down and give them a chance to run with the child.

I can give you a very specific case of that very thing happening with a father who was only meant to visit with his child and then bring the child back to their Mum and the father didn't comply.

Please make sure you have all your bases covered. Do not even give him one small chance of taking your son and keeping him from you.

It's bad enough to go through the heartache of losing your husband, but it will never equal the enormous pain of losing your child.

Edited by SherrySher
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I am sorry to go off topic here, but how much can one handle? My heart goes out to you with a newborn and I am wondering if you have experienced post partum depression on top of all of this. A c-section is also not a cake walk. I have had both PPD and a C-sections and thank my doctor to this day for giving me that little pill shortly after as there were way too many hormones going haywire. I am not saying your situation is hormonal, but I am genuinely concerned for you based on all the factors here. You are well educated and are the expert of your own body, but I just wanted to put that out here. My gosh, this is a tough one. It sounds like your husband did the honorable thing, but I am wondering if he is also overwhelmed with the responsibility of having a newborn, the tremendous financial responsibility on him,  and thinks by sending you and the baby off for a while it will ease that. And, the fact he does not know how to define "love", how can he know if he is or is not
"in love"? The culture my ex is from that do not say I love you either. One is just suppose to know that based on their actions. I suppose in my culture here in the US and maybe yours, our media displays these words more in cinematic format and more openly than other countries. We hear this in our homes and at our churches and even people say it in passing as friends. In fact, we over use that term here on so many levels. "I love you bro", I love you man", "good night buddy, love you". Maybe Japan is one of the countries that does not say it. You say you don't believes he loves you. This is a tough one for me, because exactly what is love? I think it was love that he cared enough about you and your son, to do the right thing by all of you. Being "in love" is much different. You can be in love on your wedding day, and five years later out of love, and a decade later madly in love.  I just don't think now is the time to pull the trigger on the marriage even given all the circumstances involved. Is it not possible for him to join you and the baby in Australia as "partners", where you try to detach from all this marital/divorce discussion and get the support you both need from family? Marriage has ebbs and flows and no doubt a newborn adds a ton of pressure to any marriage, let alone the dynamics of yours. Plus the pandemic. Even given the circumstances surrounding all of this, I think your main concern is where it should be. On your family. The Three of you. A family. My thoughts are this. Is there any possibility that you could find an intern in the childhood development masters program that could come and assist you with the baby? Just for a few hours while he is napping so you and your husband can do something stress free like take a walk together, or grab a coffee? Not discuss this major decision for a small period of time but just to reconnect. He may open up and you might find he is very overwhelmed by having a newborn. Woman tend to handle being a new parent much differently than men do. Sometime these students don't charge and do it for credit hours. Even the nursing program at the university has studies in neonatal and may have options. I am just thinking how to get you both support without having to leave the Country. Life will not be realistic for him. He will not have the same responsibilities as you do. Yes, you will have support from family, but you really all should be close for the sake of your son's development. Married or not. I know my angle is much different here, but I am telling you from a 15 year marriage with my ex husband, that we both fell in and out of love along the way. Most specifically, at the time we had children and after we had children. In fact when we were in marriage counseling, both doctors stated that this is the time when most couples feel a shift in their love for the other as all the attention is on the child and the financial pressures and stressors. Not a lot of room there for romance and love. Having a baby is a lot of stress, and add to that all of your unique components it has got to be overwhelming. The one thing I will say helped my marriage a lot was Mom's groups with other educated ladies with newborns. Then I would make a friend, and her husband would be in the same field as my husband and the next thing we knew we had a support system of friends going though the same stressors. In fact, I joined a ladies church group and met my doctors wife there who ended up best of friends with my ex husband. We vacationed together with kids, and would go through their developmental stages together. Having their support, advice, and ours to them, plus the kids having companions, was the best thing ever. At one point I told this friend I wanted a divorce, and she handed me a book to read, and suggested we join them on a 10 day cruise. It did not save my marriage, but we had another five good years together based on that support system, and of course the love we cultivated together. You both can get the support you need, and if there is no rush to get a divorce, do you think you could talk to him about just taking it one step at a time? Perhaps focusing the first thing on getting a local community support system. They say it takes a village to raise a child and that is so true. Getting that in place may change things and even with Covid, there may be a small group that adheres to the rules. Your husband needs it as he I am sure is feeling the pressure of your feelings towards him and how dramatically both your lives have changed unexpectedly. He did not have to marry you. He chose to. Whether he did it as the right thing to do, or because he loved you will remain to be revealed in time. This pandemic is just brutal, and I am wondering if your loans can be deferred because of Covid and the fact you have a newborn. I am just thinking of all options as I don't want to give you false hope, but I think it is unfair for him to discuss divorce at this time and eschew his responsibilities toward your son with this notion he does not love you. Whether he does or not, he has a family now. If it can't work for the best interest of. all, after you seek out community support (University Nurse nanny, church groups, Mommy and me clubs), then talk about the five year master plan. Right now, I think the goal should be a season of trying to cultivate friendships with other married couples with newborns, and maybe get some shared intel on how they are managing. Your husband might find a friend going through a similar situation that may be of support to him. If my ideas are way off base. I am sorry. If it is necessary to divorce at some point it is best to do it at a time when the child is very young and not accustomed to a household with all parties. But it is best if you stay as close as possible location wise as a baby needs both parents so long as they are healthy and able to co-parent. I hope this helps. 

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Mel11 said:

I am sorry to go off topic here, but how much can one handle? My heart goes out to you with a newborn and I am wondering if you have experienced post partum depression on top of all of this. A c-section is also not a cake walk. I have had both PPD and a C-sections and thank my doctor to this day for giving me that little pill shortly after as there were way too many hormones going haywire. I am not saying your situation is hormonal, but I am genuinely concerned for you based on all the factors here. You are well educated and are the expert of your own body, but I just wanted to put that out here. My gosh, this is a tough one. It sounds like your husband did the honorable thing, but I am wondering if he is also overwhelmed with the responsibility of having a newborn, the tremendous financial responsibility on him,  and thinks by sending you and the baby off for a while it will ease that. And, the fact he does not know how to define "love", how can he know if he is or is not
"in love"? The culture my ex is from that do not say I love you either. One is just suppose to know that based on their actions. I suppose in my culture here in the US and maybe yours, our media displays these words more in cinematic format and more openly than other countries. We hear this in our homes and at our churches and even people say it in passing as friends. In fact, we over use that term here on so many levels. "I love you bro", I love you man", "good night buddy, love you". Maybe Japan is one of the countries that does not say it. You say you don't believes he loves you. This is a tough one for me, because exactly what is love? I think it was love that he cared enough about you and your son, to do the right thing by all of you. Being "in love" is much different. You can be in love on your wedding day, and five years later out of love, and a decade later madly in love.  I just don't think now is the time to pull the trigger on the marriage even given all the circumstances involved. Is it not possible for him to join you and the baby in Australia as "partners", where you try to detach from all this marital/divorce discussion and get the support you both need from family? Marriage has ebbs and flows and no doubt a newborn adds a ton of pressure to any marriage, let alone the dynamics of yours. Plus the pandemic. Even given the circumstances surrounding all of this, I think your main concern is where it should be. On your family. The Three of you. A family. My thoughts are this. Is there any possibility that you could find an intern in the childhood development masters program that could come and assist you with the baby? Just for a few hours while he is napping so you and your husband can do something stress free like take a walk together, or grab a coffee? Not discuss this major decision for a small period of time but just to reconnect. He may open up and you might find he is very overwhelmed by having a newborn. Woman tend to handle being a new parent much differently than men do. Sometime these students don't charge and do it for credit hours. Even the nursing program at the university has studies in neonatal and may have options. I am just thinking how to get you both support without having to leave the Country. Life will not be realistic for him. He will not have the same responsibilities as you do. Yes, you will have support from family, but you really all should be close for the sake of your son's development. Married or not. I know my angle is much different here, but I am telling you from a 15 year marriage with my ex husband, that we both fell in and out of love along the way. Most specifically, at the time we had children and after we had children. In fact when we were in marriage counseling, both doctors stated that this is the time when most couples feel a shift in their love for the other as all the attention is on the child and the financial pressures and stressors. Not a lot of room there for romance and love. Having a baby is a lot of stress, and add to that all of your unique components it has got to be overwhelming. The one thing I will say helped my marriage a lot was Mom's groups with other educated ladies with newborns. Then I would make a friend, and her husband would be in the same field as my husband and the next thing we knew we had a support system of friends going though the same stressors. In fact, I joined a ladies church group and met my doctors wife there who ended up best of friends with my ex husband. We vacationed together with kids, and would go through their developmental stages together. Having their support, advice, and ours to them, plus the kids having companions, was the best thing ever. At one point I told this friend I wanted a divorce, and she handed me a book to read, and suggested we join them on a 10 day cruise. It did not save my marriage, but we had another five good years together based on that support system, and of course the love we cultivated together. You both can get the support you need, and if there is no rush to get a divorce, do you think you could talk to him about just taking it one step at a time? Perhaps focusing the first thing on getting a local community support system. They say it takes a village to raise a child and that is so true. Getting that in place may change things and even with Covid, there may be a small group that adheres to the rules. Your husband needs it as he I am sure is feeling the pressure of your feelings towards him and how dramatically both your lives have changed unexpectedly. He did not have to marry you. He chose to. Whether he did it as the right thing to do, or because he loved you will remain to be revealed in time. This pandemic is just brutal, and I am wondering if your loans can be deferred because of Covid and the fact you have a newborn. I am just thinking of all options as I don't want to give you false hope, but I think it is unfair for him to discuss divorce at this time and eschew his responsibilities toward your son with this notion he does not love you. Whether he does or not, he has a family now. If it can't work for the best interest of. all, after you seek out community support (University Nurse nanny, church groups, Mommy and me clubs), then talk about the five year master plan. Right now, I think the goal should be a season of trying to cultivate friendships with other married couples with newborns, and maybe get some shared intel on how they are managing. Your husband might find a friend going through a similar situation that may be of support to him. If my ideas are way off base. I am sorry. If it is necessary to divorce at some point it is best to do it at a time when the child is very young and not accustomed to a household with all parties. But it is best if you stay as close as possible location wise as a baby needs both parents so long as they are healthy and able to co-parent. I hope this helps. 

Hi Mel, thank you for taking the time and consideration to reply thoughtfully to my thread. Your advice was kind, though my situation is more advanced than you thought. My son is already 12 months old and up until he was about 8 months old my husband offered little to no support and I had to take care of  him almost entirely alone.

I used to think that he must love me on some level to marry me, even for honourable reasons, but no, that is not the case. I will be booking my flight to Australia as soon as the funds come through to do so and tomorrow I will be speaking to a family court lawyer to have a custody agreement/consent order legalised, which my husband has agreed to.

Time to move on and stop sacrificing myself for such a person. Love is not abandoning your pregnant wife in hospital whist she is in labour, nor calling her disrespectful and offensive for something as small as buying a side dish for dinner. I’m done with this miserable life; I deserve better than that.

Edited by LotusBlack
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Unfortunately you both know he married you to solve the dilemma of your visa and because of the pregnancy.

Ok. Now you have your child, your in the UK, you can stay in the UK with your child and everything you wanted.

The exception is he wants a divorce. He's done what he had to do (honorably) and now he wants out of this marriage of convenience.

Talk to an attorney. You'll be fine. You can live in the UK happily ever after and coparent with him.

Divorcing seems like a wonderful solution. You're both free to do what you want and you can stay in the UK.

Is your plan to stay married until you go back to Australia? 

It's 100% fair that he pay child support and you finance your own education and support yourself doing that.

 

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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12 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

Oh no, I'm under no illusion that it is over. I already had said to him that there were only two options we either seek help and move forward together and both make it work if there is a foundation for that, or we part ways and there is no coming back

I think you must be under some illusion of hope if you believe there are two options here. He's had every opportunity to make things work, but instead has chosen to find fault in you and pick fights with you.

Everything about this relationship is about him. Like MissCanuck said, he wants to make sure that he can be happy being single before he ships you off. You don't factor.

Start mentally checking yourself out of this relationship. Stop with the illusion of reconciliation. Focus on your departure from this relationship and be methodical about it. Don't rush. Do consult a lawyer. 

12 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

No, he doesn't and won't ever love me.

Edited by Jibralta
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20 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Start mentally checking yourself out of this relationship. Stop with the illusion of reconciliation. Focus on your departure from this relationship and be methodical about it. Don't rush. Do consult a lawyer. 

Exactly. 

There isn't going to be a reconciliation. You need to start planning your life without him as your partner, so you can figure out the best plan for your son. 

Don't go abroad with your child without speaking to a lawyer first. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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52 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Exactly. 

There isn't going to be a reconciliation. You need to start planning your life without him as your partner, so you can figure out the best plan for your son. 

Don't go abroad with your child without speaking to a lawyer first. 

There is no illusion. I am not considering a reconciliation. I’ve already discussed with him and made sure he understands the process of getting a consent order to take our son to Aus with me, which will begin tomorrow, when the attorney’s office opens. I also made it clear we’d be beginning the process of divorce too. He knows I am not coming back abs if he wishes to be closer to our son in the future, that’s up to him to move around and make those arrangements, as I’m not longer trying to bend myself around his convenience. 

I’ve also already told my family that I’m returning to Aus with my son and my marriage is over. It‘s done. I have just sent him out to spend time together with our son as this is the last weekend before we leave, so I wanted them to be able to spend some quality time together as during the week my husband will be working all day every day.

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14 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

 he understands the process of getting a consent order to take our son to Aus with me, which will begin tomorrow, when the attorney’s office opens. I also made it clear we’d be beginning the process of divorce too.

Did you consult an attorney? Is it your idea to move to AUS with your son? Can you just up and leave in the middle of a divorce?

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Posted (edited)
21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did you consult an attorney? Is it your idea to move to AUS with your son? Can you just up and leave in the middle of a divorce?

I am consulting with an attorney tomorrow, as offices are closed right now. My husband has no desire to keep our son with him as his work takes priority and he thinks our son should be with me anyway. He agreed to begin the process tomorrow. 

I believe, after researching it some time ago, that there is a condition on divorce here that states we must be separated for a period of time before filing for divorce, unless under certain circumstances that my situation does not meet, which I will check with the attorney tomorrow. In which case, we will start the legal separation when I leave for Aus.

Remaining in the UK is not really possible, as I am a dependent on his visa and when our relationship changes then my visa status changes too, according to the immigration information on the government website. I’d have to go through a very difficult, long, and expressive process to receive “indefinite leave to remain”, which I may not even be granted when all is said and done. Without work here, and no legal access to assistance as a non-settled resident, I would not be able to support my son and I here. So, the only realistic option is to return to my home country and then take it from there with getting myself set up, etc.

Edited by LotusBlack
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44 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

I am consulting with an attorney tomorrow, as offices are closed right now. My husband has no desire to keep our son with him as his work takes priority and he thinks our son should be with me anyway. He agreed to begin the process tomorrow. 

I believe, after researching it some time ago, that there is a condition on divorce here that states we must be separated for a period of time before filing for divorce, unless under certain circumstances that my situation does not meet, which I will check with the attorney tomorrow. In which case, we will start the legal separation when I leave for Aus.

Remaining in the UK is not really possible, as I am a dependent on his visa and when our relationship changes then my visa status changes too, according to the immigration information on the government website. I’d have to go through a very difficult, long, and expressive process to receive “indefinite leave to remain”, which I may not even be granted when all is said and done. Without work here, and no legal access to assistance as a non-settled resident, I would not be able to support my son and I here. So, the only realistic option is to return to my home country and then take it from there with getting myself set up, etc.

Speak with the lawyer about a separation agreement and the bold font above which I made bold. Before you leave, everything has to be clarified, no assumptions or your own research. You're not the lawyer so even though you have a good idea of what you're up against, you need to get it clarified in writing in a method that is legally clear and binding. Get it in writing and sign the contract/separation agreement (you and your ex) from everything about your son, his care, any payments wired to an account for the care of your son during separation. 

The mindset now is starting a new chapter. You don't want to be fighting a legal battle or having to continue flying back and forth to settle disputes during separation or when the separation is over (things you haven't discussed in detail). When the time comes for divorce, your lawyer will also already know your plan and your expectations and let him/her know if anything has changed. Do all this before you leave and make the final decision to leave only after speaking to the lawyer.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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8 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

Hi Mel, thank you for taking the time and consideration to reply thoughtfully to my thread. Your advice was kind, though my situation is more advanced than you thought. My son is already 12 months old and up until he was about 8 months old my husband offered little to no support and I had to take care of  him almost entirely alone.

I used to think that he must love me on some level to marry me, even for honourable reasons, but no, that is not the case. I will be booking my flight to Australia as soon as the funds come through to do so and tomorrow I will be speaking to a family court lawyer to have a custody agreement/consent order legalised, which my husband has agreed to.

Time to move on and stop sacrificing myself for such a person. Love is not abandoning your pregnant wife in hospital whist she is in labour, nor calling her disrespectful and offensive for something as small as buying a side dish for dinner. I’m done with this miserable life; I deserve better than that.

You are better than that and do deserve more and I love that you are resolved in your decision to do what is best for you and your son. If you have no had the support of him as a co-parent and taking care of him alone than you are doing what is best for your son by forging ahead for a more stable life with support. I'm proud of you for having the strength to respect yourself, and do what is in the best interest of your son. He is young enough where he will form strong bonds surrounded by love and support. Support you need to accomplish your goals and financial obligations. It is not the ideal situation or one you planned, but you are handling it in a very educated and wise way so that you and your son can thrive. I wish you the best and appreciate your kindness. 

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2 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

There is no illusion. I am not considering a reconciliation. 

That's good. It didn't come across that way in your first posts on this thread. 

As far as him encouraging you to take your child with you, well, I think you also need to recognize that he doesn't really want to be a father either. Sure, he might enjoy the baby when you're around to be the parent, but considering that he is fine with you moving across the world with his son?

Be prepared for him to disappear from your son's life too. I don't think he really wants any of this, the marriage or the family. Very sad story. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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Yeah, it seems he's fine "playing" with the baby but as far as everyday drudge work of feeding, diaper changes, cleaning up baby spit up, walking with the baby when he's crying or upset?  Washing baby clothes and bathing the baby?

That being said, many fathers suddenly decide they want the child(ren) when they know they can't have them around anymore.  He could decide to move to Japan and have his family take over the daily work of raising the baby.  Don't give him that chance.

Good on you for deciding to see an attorney immediately.

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