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My husband suggested dissolving the marriage but not ending the relationship. What to do?


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LotusBlack, if my memory does not fail me, I remember your posts from the old site. You were the one who dreamed to become an Egyptologist in some very rare subject like "interpretation of artefacts and mapping ancient Egyptian believes". Some discipline that you said had no practical implementation and only very rich people who do not count to find work with such a degree, took interest in it. You had to move heaven and earth to find ways to save up money and get all the visas and permits to study in Cambridge. Because Egyptology is not exactly mainstream in Australia. Now you are one step away from accomplishing your dream and you want to move back to Australia, divorced, with a baby in tow, in debt and with nothing to show for your effort. And this only because your husband tells you that he does not love you. Well, I can understand that he has been overwhelmed with you over the last few years, because you have been nothing, but liability to him: in debt, no money, no job, no visa and no place to stay, and yes, pregnant. So, you have been fully dependent on him, as per your own account of events. I think you bring up divorce and separation exactly because you need the reassurance that on some level he does want you, when he talks you out of travelling as being too rushed. I do not think you really want to leave, but you keep bringing it up, as a form of making him ask you to stay. A sort of twisted reassurance.

From your previous posts, you have nobody waiting for you in Australia, your family, as far as remember is not so supportive of you, your mom is diseased. So, what will you accomplish by moving back there with the baby? There is nothing left for you in Australia, apart from governmental aid.

I'd suggest you stayed in the UK at least until you get the vaccine shots. Like that no quarantine would be necessary if you decide to move back. Do not forget that, again, you will be spending your husband's money to book tickets to Australia and hotels there.

As an alternative, how about you quit discussing divorce with your husband (to gain reassurance from him that he wants you to stay), finish your masters in this degree that you wanted so much, and start finding ways to work and contribute money to the household, however limited it might be, even if you have to work odd jobs, black market jobs, anything, so that you alleviate your husband of supporting all of you with his fellowship allowance. I think he is overwhelmed by all the responsibilities that you dumped on him right from the start. There was no fun in this relationship, just hard work. And he is fed up.

I think that instead of making all the fuss about your husband not loving you, and how he could love someone who is totally dependent on him, you are not his equal, you better start looking for jobs, and finishing your Egyptology degree.   

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6 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

I took my vows seriously and I meant them. It’s hard to be the one on my end who isn’t loved and to have to remain in the household with the person I’m married to but still not wanted.

- Yeah... this is no good on you 😞

 

7 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

We’re at that point where I just want to make a decision and confirm we’re on the same page and get on with it. He cannot offer what he wants to do though. I am getting to the point where I’m just going to make the decision for both of us.

- Then do it!

Figure out what you want & go for it!  ❤️ yourself .

Accept things have not changed/improved by now & won't... I've had to a few times.

 

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Just now, SooSad33 said:

- Yeah... this is no good on you 😞

 

- Then do it!

Figure out what you want & go for it!  ❤️ yourself .

Accept things have not changed/improved by now & won't... I've had to a few times.

 

I am just waiting for the international money transfer so I can book my ticket on Monday.

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Posted (edited)
32 minutes ago, East4 said:

LotusBlack, if my memory does not fail me, I remember your posts from the old site. You were the one who dreamed to become an Egyptologist in some very rare subject like "interpretation of artefacts and mapping ancient Egyptian believes". Some discipline that you said had no practical implementation and only very rich people who do not count to find work with such a degree, took interest in it. You had to move heaven and earth to find ways to save up money and get all the visas and permits to study in Cambridge. Because Egyptology is not exactly mainstream in Australia. Now you are one step away from accomplishing your dream and you want to move back to Australia, divorced, with a baby in tow, in debt and with nothing to show for your effort. And this only because your husband tells you that he does not love you. Well, I can understand that he has been overwhelmed with you over the last few years, because you have been nothing, but liability to him: in debt, no money, no job, no visa and no place to stay, and yes, pregnant. So, you have been fully dependent on him, as per your own account of events. I think you bring up divorce and separation exactly because you need the reassurance that on some level he does want you, when he talks you out of travelling as being too rushed. I do not think you really want to leave, but you keep bringing it up, as a form of making him ask you to stay. A sort of twisted reassurance.

From your previous posts, you have nobody waiting for you in Australia, your family, as far as remember is not so supportive of you, your mom is diseased. So, what will you accomplish by moving back there with the baby? There is nothing left for you in Australia, apart from governmental aid.

I'd suggest you stayed in the UK at least until you get the vaccine shots. Like that no quarantine would be necessary if you decide to move back. Do not forget that, again, you will be spending your husband's money to book tickets to Australia and hotels there.

As an alternative, how about you quit discussing divorce with your husband (to gain reassurance from him that he wants you to stay), finish your masters in this degree that you wanted so much, and start finding ways to work and contribute money to the household, however limited it might be, even if you have to work odd jobs, black market jobs, anything, so that you alleviate your husband of supporting all of you with his fellowship allowance. I think he is overwhelmed by all the responsibilities that you dumped on him right from the start. There was no fun in this relationship, just hard work. And he is fed up.

I think that instead of making all the fuss about your husband not loving you, and how he could love someone who is totally dependent on him, you are not his equal, you better start looking for jobs, and finishing your Egyptology degree.   

Thank you for your thoughts. Just to be clear, I graduated from my degree in October of 2019. And, whilst my field is niche, I had intended to go on and complete a funded PhD and then become a lecturer, which is a very stable and reliable job in academia, so I think you have remembered the details of my previous post a little incorrectly and taken my words out of context. Furthermore, I have maintained freelance work since before my son was born and have paid half of my son’s expenses for everything since he was born and when I have excess I contribute financially and have even paid quite a few instalments of my loan with the money I saved from freelance work. My loan is also from my step-father, not a bank and it is actually from the money my mother left for me but will only come to me once my step-father passes so I have temporarily borrowed it from him and will receive it back once he passes, which I hope isn't for a very long time. It’s just that I haven’t a large or consistent income and that is something that does bother me and I have actively been applying for full time positions for quite some time, including abroad. I did not predict this pandemic and its far-reaching consequences in terms of employment opportunities.

But thank you for diminishing my life to being nothing but a liability as though I climbed upon myself and got pregnant and, as such, am solely responsible. I do not steal my husband’s fellowship money, I care for the baby full time and he supports us and I contribute when and as I can. All of which we discussed before we even had sex for the first time in the unlikely event a pregnancy occurred, and he agreed to that as he was looking for a serious relationship and a family. I’m not worthless, although I am aware I am not his equal.

Edited by LotusBlack
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I understand your concerns.  People do not separate or divorce to improve their relationships.

I used to work with someone whose husband suggested divorce so they could buy a house.  His credit was so poor that no mortgage company would lend to them, but as a single lady she could get the loan.  He said they could get remarried a year or so after they bought the house. So they divorced.  Well, guess what?  They never remarried and eventually split for good.

I personally would wait out the six or so weeks so things could be a bit more settled.  Yes, it's upsetting to live with someone you love who doesn't love you back.  But you've done so many other things because they were the practical thing to do, so maybe it's time to do it again.

Could you get your PhD in Australia?

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No, no I am not diminishing, as I was not aware that you completed your degree. I'd say, stay the course, the end of COVID is in sight, the roll-out of vaccination is in full swing in the UK. 

Just be patient, and focus on finding a job and regain your independence. If you can afford to move out from the apartment and co-parent with your husband while staying in the UK, this would be grand. And also better for the child, because it will have both parents. 

I think your husband is just burnt by all the responsibilities he had to shoulder very early in your relationship. So, giving him a bit of space would be good. Little space does not necessitate moving back to Australia. 

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25 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I used to work with someone whose husband suggested divorce so they could buy a house.  His credit was so poor that no mortgage company would lend to them, but as a single lady she could get the loan.  He said they could get remarried a year or so after they bought the house. So they divorced.  Well, guess what?  They never remarried and eventually split for good.

Yup, this is what my alcoholic ex did as well.  We argued all the time, due to his drinking & lack of presence & parenting... HE suggested we split up & he move elsewhere for a while, so I could get bills paid up etc....  Needless to say, within a cpl months (the end of that summer), I admitted I didnt mind being single.  We never got together again.

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5 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

It was never my intention to move back to Australia as work in my field is very limited to not possible. My family is also quite toxic and I had been estranged from my family for quite some time. When I got pregnant I reached out and things are slowly getting there with them but if I return to Aus it won’t be to a reliable and supportive family, though my husband feels it would be despite the fact he’s never met them.

This changes my perspective somewhat. I didn't realize that you would not have a supportive environment if you returned to Australia.

However, I do still think that you should cut from your husband sooner, rather than later. Your husband is an astonishingly self-centered person, and I think you would be better off without him for a partner.

Can you live in the same house with him as just a roommate? I think it would be difficult. But at least you could save up money, and focus on developing a solid plan forward.

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Take the emotional part completely out this....talk to a lawyer before you sign on the dotted line. I have a suspicion there are some legal obligations he's trying to avoid that he's hoping you won't find out about. He's just baiting you with the conjured up promise of getting back together. He seems to have this all figured out for you....you need to stop/think/research/keep to yourself. Find out your rights, and what you are entitled to. When they say divorce, they become the enemy and you need to protect yourself. IMO as soon as you go back home, he's gonna disappear. I bet money on it.

Edited by smackie9
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25 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Take the emotional part completely out this....talk to a lawyer before you sign on the dotted line. I have a suspicion there are some legal obligations he's trying to avoid that he's hoping you won't find out about. He's just baiting you with the conjured up promise of getting back together. He seems to have this all figured out for you....you need to stop/think/research/keep to yourself. Find out your rights, and what you are entitled to. When they say divorce, they become the enemy and you need to protect yourself. IMO as soon as you go back home, he's gonna disappear. I bet money on it.

Yes, be concerned about child support. He might end up being a deadbeat dad and it'll be so much harder to get the funds from him with all the complications of living in a different country and being a resident and not a citizen of that country, etc. Maintaining two households will be of course more expensive than one. Don't count on his word that he'll always take care of his son. Make sure the legal arrangement is suitable. Also, don't ever open links from people you don't know. I give the title and author of a book that I'm suggesting--never a link.

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100 percent agree with Smackie. Don't buy a ticket or leave until you have talked to a lawyer. And don't be foolish enough to think oh,  he wouldn't do anything like that. Yup, he would. 

Edited by arjumand
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My ex husband, my kids' dad, was and is an excellent father and I didn't believe he would do anything vindictive or detrimental to the kids.  But behind my back he attempted to register them in a religious school and on the application where he was supposed to list their mother's name he left it blank.  Like I was dead or didn't exist or had run off somewhere.  He also took my name off the title of my car without telling me.

So yeah, people will do things.  It would be awful if he took your child to Japan, for instance.  You'd have a heck of a time trying to get him back.

I completely agree with seeing an attorney before you leave.

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Posted (edited)

I wasn't very forthcoming with some of the other details in my other comments..it's been nearly 2 years of extreme emotional abuse, for example, when I was heavily pregnant I felt quite unwell when we going out for dinner. It was just to a Chinese take away. I had been vegan for many years and my husband is a huge meat eater, but I've never had a problem with that at all and have really encouraged us to share in the things we can and enjoy the other having what they like separately. But he's really bothered by me having a vegan diet; however, when I was pregnant I began eating a bit of chicken, fish, and eggs because I felt like it was the right thing to do as it was his baby too and I wanted him to have equal say in how the baby developed and what he got, and also because I wanted to bridge the gap between us. He'd often said how he'd go out with his parents when he was growing up, that it was his family's thing and it was how they bonded, sharing over food and sharing food. They were, what he calls, "gourmets" and I, well, I wasn't. That I couldn't enjoy eating his food was a massive disappointment to him and that he wasn't sure he could ever be happy with someone like me.

But I did my best to bridge the gap, I compromised and was happy to do so even though it meant I compromised some of my values. I just wanted to connect. So, this one time we went to Chinese take away and they didn't have a whole lot on this menu that I could eat, but I was fine with what they did have and happy to have it, but not super hungry. The plan was after he ordered I would head home and put the rice on so we didn't need to order that too. On the way home I walked passed another restaurant that had just what I felt like eating. It was a really small side dish of sautéed greens and I ordered that with my own money thinking that it was a nice thing to do and to contribute so not all the costs were all on him. I was really coming from a good place of trying to contribute and it was one of the only things I could think about without feeling ill. I had a really really rough and sick pregnancy the whole way through. When he got home he was so upset with me. He called me disrespectful and offensive because I had gone and inconsiderately bought the side dish when he'd spent ages choosing somewhere I could eat from and I hadn't even been all that interested in what was on offer. And if I had the money to be paying for a side dish then I should have given it to him instead of spending it, for all the money he was paying for me. I was so taken aback. I hadn't even known that he'd searched for that place and put time and effort into thinking what I could eat because that was all internal in his own head and not a word said to me about it. Had I known, I would have done things differently. It really was just me walking past and seeing something that I felt I could eat and something small I could contribute to in good nature, nothing sinister or ill intended at all. And whilst he was telling me how offensive and disrespectful I was, he told me that my putting spaghetti noodles in my chicken and vegetable soup, as per my mother's loved recipe, was incredibly offensive to Italian people and I should be disgusted with myself for doing so. When I tried explain that I had no bad intentions and was visibly hurt, he told me I was out of control and extreme, though I'd barely spoken above a whisper.

The same thing happened when I was, again, heavily pregnant and it was 2 weeks before we were to get married. We were out looking for a maternity coat as it was the middle of winter and I'd gotten too big for my normal one. I had a little bit of savings and had found one I liked. He insisted on paying for it as a gift and suggested a big panelled one over my more preferred traditional coat. When I said to him, "That's really nice but not quite my cup of tea, but thanks for suggesting that!" he immediately said, "Why?" and I said, "It's nice but just not my kind of style, though I know it's very popular." And he just kept pushing, "Why, that isn't even reasonable." In the end I felt so pushed and he didn't just respect my opinion and preference that, still not wanting him to feel like I was just disliking his taste and trying to be diplomatic, I grasped at trying to let him know that I'm the odd one out because I know it's a popular style, but just not for me, and so I mentioned a documentary I'd recently seen, saying, "But I know this type of jacket is really really popular in places like South Korea and Japan, it's really trending, I just saw that on a recent documentary." They could have been talking about Australia or South Africa or wherever and I would have said that if it were the case. He immediately got really upset with me, asking why I was bringing race into it. That I was being a racist. It was so upsetting for me because I felt it was wrong of him to not respect my preference, even if he preferred something different, and then to turn it back on to me to where I was defending myself. I have spent my life actively fighting against racism. I grew up in South Africa during the apartheid. Although I am white, I saw some terrible things. I also have a degree in Indigenous Australian archaeology and have spent a lot of time with Indigenous populations, also living and working around the world working closely with a number of different communities. I fight for racial equality and I've been trained to be really sensitive about how I approach that as part of my degree and the communities I work with. It's a really important part of my core values, so to think that the person I love, who is of a different race to me, could think me capable of wilfully doing something that goes against my very values and is hurtful to other people, was really upsetting. So, I said to him that I could not, would not get married if he thought I was a racist person. I explained to him that I felt so backed into a corner and pushed and that my opinion had not been respected, that after attempting many times to diplomatically say no to his suggestion, to no avail, I reached for trying to validate his opinion at the same time as giving me room to have my own without rebuttal, and I did so through something interesting I recalled. I was disgusted with the fact he even could question my character in such a way, and I felt he was projecting his own feelings on to me about how he sees himself though what he assumes are the views of "westerners". When we got home he explained that it wasn't that he liked the coat, but that he wasn't being completely practical, as a scientist. He was looking at how it was made and that in the winter it would be warmer and easier than the coat I liked. I told him that he should have lead with that instead of just demanding that I justify my preference and then not offer up any reasoning for his own. Had I known where he was coming from, I would have understood the different context and been able take his opinion into deeper consideration. But I can't know what he doesn't voice, nor be responsible for reading his mind. I then asked him if he thought I was a racist and he said, "It shouldn't matter what I think of you. If you really loved me you would marry me even if I thought you were racist." I said that that was really backwards and, no, I would not marry someone who felt I would behave in a way that goes against my core values. My values are part of who I am and even though I loved someone, I would not be able to marry them if they thought something of me that I was against. He in the end said that he didn't think I was racist and I responded with, "Then that's fine, it means this issue is a hypothetical and a moot point. If you felt I was, I wouldn't get married, bust as you don't view me that way, it's a non-issue." He revealed to me some time after we got married that that day was when I really destroyed the foundation of our relationship and what I did was a terrible thing to him that he didn't deserve.

When I was in labour for 4 days, he went to work and when he was home he wasn't really supporting me. When I ended up going in after 4 days because there were some problematic things going on that could turn badly, I begged him to stay with me. The last time I'd been in a hospital was to watch my mother die and hospitals have always been difficult places for me to be at because I struggle with emetophoia, particularly being pregnant and in labour. I was terrified. First baby, complications, no family or friends in the UK to support me at the hospital, tired from days of labour, and just completely overwhelmed. I cried, but not dramatically so, just teary eyed. He left anyway, to get sleep, even though he'd slept his normal days all the time I was in labour. He had to walk 40 minutes home at 1am and the chair in my room wasn't comfortable for him. He was so angry about it that that was all he could talk about. I felt so guilty. I told him that it was okay, I didn't want to inconvenience him if he needed sleep and would deliver the baby by myself if he preferred. He told me to just call him when it was time and he'd come back in. It was 40 minutes later when he'd just gotten home that the nurse came in and told me she was going to induce me and to call my husband. I was worried to do so, but did and he was really put out. He came back and then it ended up taking another several hours. He was so irritated. I was finally moved to the labour room and he was on his phone the whole time, wouldn't even look at me. I felt so embarrassed and alone. He was so cold to me when I reached out for his hand that the nurse ended up asking me if I wanted to have him removed and she said it loud enough that he heard. It wasn't long though before shift changed and I had 2 new labour nurses, which he liked much more. I laboured for 18 hours and things went from bad to worse. I was taken to have an emergency c-section. I was terrified. At that point he actually did step up and he got really emotional. I thought it was because he felt protective of me. But as they were prepping me, he said, "I'm crying because I feel pity for you. You tried so hard to get him out naturally and did everything you could to avoid surgery, and went through 4 days of labour and it still ended up with way. I feel sorry for you." But after the baby was born and I was taken to ICU because I lost half my body's blood supply, he went home. He left me there with the baby in an observation room of the ICU. And when I begged staff to let me go up to the maternity ward because I was having panic attacks in the observation ward with the lady next to me throwing up all night (emetophobic), he didn't come. I was there 4 for days and each day around 1pm I would call him to ask if he was actually coming that day. While I watched all the partners of the other women in the bay share that time and put up with the horrible chairs without complaint and support the new mothers. I felt alone and abandoned and to this day he still feels that putting himself first because he needed his rest so he could support me was the right thing to do. Even when I got home from the hospital, I had to take care of the baby all alone through the day and through the night. I reopened my stitches at 7 weeks because of all the stress I put my body under taking care of everything myself. I was doubled over on the floor in pain and crying silently and he said that I was out of control and extreme, over the top hormonal when I'd barely made a sound. When I asked him for more support he resented it.

A few weeks ago I just felt so trapped and lost and alone with so options. No money, no job, no emotional support, in lockdown and isolated. Taking care of our son 23 our of 24 hours a day - he gives me a one hour break from 5-6pm and as the baby wakes up almost every hour during the night and has done since he was born, it's been really rough. I found myself going to the police station. I didn't want to report him, he isn't violent in any way and he never yells, but I felt so overwhelmed with the emotional abuse where it feels like he sets me up. He puts me in a situation where I feel I have to defend or justify myself and when I do he tells me I'm crazy and extreme and uncontrollable even when I'm so broken down I'm barely raising my voice above a whisper. I feel so distressed. I just wanted to get away from it, get away from the hurt and pain. Feel safe in myself again. The police station was the only place open at 10PM and I only went there because I didn't know where else to get the resources. I was hoping they'd just give me the information to contact a shelter or emergency accommodation. But because I wasn't the victim of physical abuse, I was out of luck and they sent me back home again.

I'd had the opportunity to fly back to Aus right after I graduated when it was still maybe okay for me medically and deliver the baby there, but he said he wanted us to stay together and at that point there weren't those extreme disagreements we'd had. I had the chance to have a bit of financial support. My government sees parenting as a job and, therefore, provides a family payment, which often gets granted to people even when they have a job and income. I didn't stay to mooch off my husband. I had no other reason to remain in the UK than to be with him and have our family. I gave up finical stability while I raised my child to an age where I could then work or at least keep working freelance while I had him. It actually COSTS me to stay in the UK because he isn't just paying for our family, it's a loan to me, I'm getting in debt to my own husband. I have to actually backpay half of all expenses once I get a stable income, but I chose our family and the financial consequence of that because I loved him and married him for him, not some visa, which I only even needed because I wanted to stay together with him and give him the chance to be there for our baby when he was born. I didn't want to take any of that away from him. I was completely prepared to accept the legal consequences of overstaying my visa to have my baby had I not been able to fly out while it was still safe. But now, I have no access to money. He pays the rent and for the food and bills and I don't have any money unless I make it myself even though I had given up the chance to work so that I can be the homemaker and raise our son. I feel so much financial control. And so isolated. When I tried to leave 3 times before he made me feel like I was being so unreasonable by rushing and I began to feel like I was and then I missed my chance because of the pandemic. Every time I try to have a calm discussion with him about our relationship and how I'm struggling with no opportunities here, he tells me that he can't forgive all the things I've done to him, like telling him I wouldn't marry him 2 weeks before our wedding, or going to the police station, which I'd only done to get some resources because it was late at night and I didn't know anywhere else I could find that out but in this safe space. I've done too many things to him that he didn't deserve and am emotional and out of control. there are other times where things like the above mentioned have happened, where he does something wrong and when I try to call him out, stand up for myself and not accept the unfair claims he lays at my feet, I tell him it's like lighting a fire then throwing someone into it and being angry at them when they scream in pain. It's not fair. I tried to make special occasions special for him. My first mother's day as a mother was so important to me because it was my first as a mum and I didn't have my own mum, never got to share with him my having a baby that I loved so very dearly. He didn't wish me a Happy Mother's Day, no card, no care, nothing. When I asked him why no well wishes, he just said, "Well, you're not MY mother. When XXX is old enough he can wish you Mother's Day yourself." Just like at the hospital, when he was born, there was no, "Well done, I'm proud of you." Nothing. Despite this, I made his Father's Day very special and celebrated him and I didn't do it to get anything in return. And all our special occasions I've done something special knowing I won't get the same. 

I'm so sorry for writing this huge wall of text and venting. I just don't have family to confide in and all my friends are so far away in a different time so..I don't want to burden them. I do want to state though that he doesn't yell or anything like that. He's always really calm and I know he isn't trying to be malicious or hurtful. I can see that he truly feel conviction in his views and it is somewhat a cultural thing. That I even say anything firmly and with animation in my voice is really shocking to him because it's just not really how things are communicated amongst Japanese people. But that leads me to feeling invalidated and unacceptable for just reacting how people generally react when confronted with the same situations. When I try to explain that I'm not being aggressive of extreme and that it may just be that we're used to different things and that's okay, he really just affirms that, no, it's just me that he feels really reacts like I do. It really hurts me. I really hope that by the time Monday comes, the ticket is still going to be affordable and I can fly out. I've no idea where I'm going to go or what I'm going to do once I get out of quarantine, but it has to be healthier than constantly being rejected by my husband and feeling less than.

Edited by LotusBlack
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2 hours ago, Andrina said:

Yes, be concerned about child support. He might end up being a deadbeat dad and it'll be so much harder to get the funds from him with all the complications of living in a different country and being a resident and not a citizen of that country, etc. Maintaining two households will be of course more expensive than one. Don't count on his word that he'll always take care of his son. Make sure the legal arrangement is suitable. Also, don't ever open links from people you don't know. I give the title and author of a book that I'm suggesting--never a link.

To be honest, I'm not really interested in child support from him if I can get by on my own without it. I don't intend to stay on financial support for long if I can help it. He is happy to write the necessary documents to allow me to fly with my son and leave the country and happy to give primary care to me and have that legally put into place. He has always been more focused on his work and taking care of a child is inconvenient to his research. He loves his son, but I know his research comes first.

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You are wrong to not want support from him -- not for you, but for the baby. That is his responsibility and that is for your child, not for you. Don't let him off so easily. He is a bully and he is manipulative and he thinks he can just dump you in Australia and never have to deal with anything again. Should you dump him? Yes. But you need to talk to a lawyer, immediately. 

And don't even consider paying him back unless a lawyer tells you that you have to -- I doubt any court is going to hold you to that when you were married AND pregnant and then raising the baby. PLEASE talk to a lawyer and stop being a doormat to him. He is not a nice man. And if this is what you fall in love with, please see a therapist and work through that because I don't think you understand what a worthwhile man is. 

Edited by arjumand
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2 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

This sounds like a very unhappy relationship.

Yes. Honestly, I just wanted to be happy, to love him and have our family. I wasn't looking for anything crazy or some childhood fairy tale. I just wanted to be happy with the person I love and I'm just not it for him, and that's okay. But it does hurt and it's hard to walk away from it, despite the rejection and other things I wrote about. I will do it though as I know that really is the only thing that can be done. It's not the first time I've had to leave a relationship loving someone who no longer loved it and I know it can be done and I can heal from it, it will just take time.

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Of course it hurts. But yes, you will heal.

I know you want happiness, but he is making you miserable. You can't be happy when you are miserable.

I agree with others that you should speak to a lawyer. Just to be sure that you don't inadvertently short yourself.

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3 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

To be honest, I'm not really interested in child support from him if I can get by on my own without it. I don't intend to stay on financial support for long if I can help it. He is happy to write the necessary documents to allow me to fly with my son and leave the country and happy to give primary care to me and have that legally put into place. He has always been more focused on his work and taking care of a child is inconvenient to his research. He loves his son, but I know his research comes first.

Why not just get divorced and stay in the UK? What he really wants is a divorce, not whether or not you are in AUS.

He does have to pay child maintenance, but he doesn't want to support your education or be associated with your massive education debt. It doesn't matter if it's been your dream since being 8, it's not his dream to finance it or get stuck with the debt.

Talk to a local attorney. Get legally divorced, live your own life, co-parent with your child. Why move to AUS if you don't want to be there and don't like family there?

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Imagine him talking to your child the way he talks to you.

Yes, he will.  He absolutely will.  And he'll talk in a denigrating and insulting way to you in front of your child.

Please leave him.  Contact an attorney to ensure you have full legal custody of your child so he can't stop you from taking him with you.  Then purchase the airline tickets and go back to Australia. Or, as Wiseman suggested, divorce him and stay in the UK.  However, I think staying in the UK where you have zero family isn't a great idea.

I can't imagine loving a man who treats you so horribly.  If you do believe you love him, you must realize there is something terribly wrong with that.

And do NOT let him off the hook for child support!  That money isn't for you.  It's for your child.  Imagine someday (perhaps sooner than you think) not having enough funds to feed your child or buy diapers because you didn't want to be a "burden".  Well, he's the child's father and he must provide for him.

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A general word of advice to you, based on some of the comments I've seen ...( as you have been in a situation with someone who has made you doubt yourself and your behaviour so much and so often. (Look how you tell us, for example, that you weren't hysterically crying, you were just teary eyed. That's because of him. You feel you have to explain and justify yourself because he has invalidated your emotions, reactions and needs for a long time)

Don't feel you need to defend yourself and your past to people on this forum! Save your energy for the people who want to give their time to encourage you and help you work through this x

 

Edited by elsewhereagain
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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not just get divorced and stay in the UK? What he really wants is a divorce, not whether or not you are in AUS.

He does have to pay child maintenance, but he doesn't want to support your education or be associated with your massive education debt. It doesn't matter if it's been your dream since being 8, it's not his dream to finance it or get stuck with the debt.

Talk to a local attorney. Get legally divorced, live your own life, co-parent with your child. Why move to AUS if you don't want to be there and don't like family there?

He doesn't pay my debt. My debt doesn't have interest as it's a personal loan from my step-father to me and he's temporarily loaning me my own money. I paid for my degree upfront with the savings I earned in my job before coming to study my degree. Because of something that occurred in Japan before I left, I was required to eat heavily into my maintenance funds that were to support my living in the UK whilst I study. I  had contacted my university to state that I could no longer take up my offer because I now fell short of my maintenance fee though I'd paid for the degree itself already. They insisted that I still come and I'd be granted hardship funding. I said I wouldn't take the risk unless it was guaranteed. They said it was very unlikely my request would be denied based on what had occurred. When I got there, they only granted a small part of it. And that is where this private arrangement come up between my step-father and I. And since I graduated I have not pursued any further education in my field. I've stayed home taking care of my baby, doing freelance work, and looking for a full-time job. I apply for at least 8-12 a week. But it's tough out there at the moment. That was the trade off, I take care of the baby and my husband supports our family, and I contribute where and when I can. I made a lot of money in October to pay half of my son's expenses, contribute to the household a little, and pay off 4 months of repayments to my step-father. My husband does not furnish my loan and I have prioritised working over my education and academic goals. I am a dependent on his visa, so if we divorce, I lose my visa and right to reside in the UK. That's fine. I'm buying a ticket home to Aus on Monday for the 15th if it's still available.

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Just now, LotusBlack said:

He doesn't pay my debt. 

It very negatively affects his credit. Check your credit score and talk to an attorney.

He may be able to help set you and your child up in an apt and then in time you can enjoy your life, your child and co-parenting. Child maintenance is for the child, not for you...and it's the law.

Talk to a lawyer. Your friends and family are getting burned out because you are not talking to an attorney and talking about a great deal of tangential issues.

You keep steering this toward AUS and your education/profession. That has nothing to do with this.

He wants a divorce, you need an attorney, it's that simple. This has zero to do with covid, Cambridge, etc.

The most pressing issue is he wants a divorce. And you can stay in the UK. 

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