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My husband suggested dissolving the marriage but not ending the relationship. What to do?


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Hi ENAers!

So, a couple of years ago I wrote a post here as I had just started seeing a man after 6 years of being single. I was a bit anxious and getting ahead of myself a bit. Anyway, everything smoothed out and we’re still together today, married.

A bit of background - we were together for 3 months and then I got pregnant, so not very long at all. I’d like to say though that we were both in our early 30s and looking for a serious relationship and to have a family one day if possible. Before being intimate (which we only decided to do after a month and a half) we both got tested. We tried our best to be responsible in our circumstances, which were that I have a lot of trouble with contraception - I have a family history of terminal breast cancer that I am at risk for, so hormone based oral contraception is medically advised against. I also react very badly to every kind of foreign, inorganic object that enters my system and has often led me to getting quite sick. Furthermore, I was informed by several doctors and specialists over the years that my chances of having a baby was very limited due to some serious internal/fertility issues, which would make it very unlikely for me to have children.

Despite those things, however, we tried to be as responsible as possible. We avoided my fertile window, and when we were intimate he made sure to leave me well in advance. We also did discuss before ever having been together the consequences of an unlikely pregnancy and what we would and wouldn’t be okay with. We agreed that given our age and my fertility issues and that, despite our short time together, we felt we were right for each other and so in the unlikely event that I got pregnant, we’d be okay with that. On this one occasion, however, I had taken some medication, which changed my cycle by a few days and, unfortunately, I forgot to mention this to my partner. He also, which surprised me, did not withdraw on this one occasion. Those two failures together resulted in my becoming pregnant. Our son just turned 1 and to this day I’m still surprised we even have him, as are my medical team who monitored me closely through my whole pregnancy.

My pregnancy was very rough and I had an extreme amount of pressure on me as I was in the middle of an intensive 1 year Masters degree and under the supervision of an abusive supervisor that was determined to see me fail. I also had significant financial hardship as a result of a number of things outside of my control, which I can elaborate on if needed. I was also due to deliver my baby just 2 weeks before my visa was to expire. With my doctor unwilling to induce me at 39 weeks and taking into consideration my medical issues, I was unable to medically fly but legally not allowed to stay. My partner was also a foreigner, but had a valid visa for several more years.

We looked at every possibility and decided I should fly home in my second trimester to have my baby, but then the doctor would not allow it. In the end, we chose to get married. Although we did it so that I could stay with my medical team and stay safe and my partner could be involved and there for the rest of my pregnancy and labour, as well as for immigration reasons, I was adamant that the foundation of our marriage was based on love and that we were simply getting married earlier than was ideal but that we were headed in that direction anyway. If not, then I’d have accepted whatever consequences arose from overstaying.

Through all this, I believed that my now husband loved me and it was only recently that he said that he never fell in love and he feels that that process was interrupted and perhaps prevented due to all the stressors we experienced early on and all at one time - my financial issues (loan/debt incurred from studying), pregnancy, my degree, moving in together at 3 months pregnant (after 6 months together), visa issues, I also lost my mother suddenly a few months before starting my degree, which was very hard, and getting married at 8 months together. We experienced hell with our landlord and realtor during my pregnancy that ended up with us taking them to arbitration. I ended up having a traumatic emergency c-section that went very wrong and I was sick for months after and then the  pandemic hit and first national lockdown occurred when he was just 5 weeks old. We’ve been in lockdown most of this 1 year in the UK without any kind of support or either of us having seen our families for years.

We have had several serious disagreements both before and after getting married. My husband is from Japan and I am from Australia. I have lived in Japan for many years and he in the UK for quite some time as well though, so we are both very familiar and comfortable with each other’s cultures already. But, there have been some differences that have caused issues. Perhaps they are incompatibilities that cannot be overcome, and perhaps it just requires a little bit of work and compromise. In any case, my husband revealed that he married as he felt he had no other choice but to do so due to all the challenges mentioned above. Furthermore, he wouldn’t be able to claim our son as Japanese unless we were married, or it would be very difficult to do so otherwise. He did want to stay together as a couple at that time and didn’t want to be separated from the baby and I. But because of that, the marriage to him isn’t a true marriage and he feels the foundation is all wound up and twisted. He is clear that he isn’t in love with me and never actually fell in love with me. I am here in the UK as a dependent on his visa. I have struggled to find employment due to the pandemic and my field of work also being non-mainstream, though I have applied for general work as well. I am taking care of our baby full-time, so haven’t been in a position to work but have been trying to find work all the same because I have no income at all and must start repaying my loan, which has been very stressful. I have also been dealing with extreme lack of rest/sleep due to a challenging baby for the past year that has sleep issues that are only just now beginning to resolve this past week. As a result, I have been under tremendous stress without any kind of support. My husband does help but it has mostly been completely on me and through this pandemic and my recovery it has been very hard.

My husband and I spoke yesterday and he feels that perhaps dissolving the marriage, but not necessarily the relationship, and the baby and I return to Australia for a while (temporarily) so that I can get some support (both in terms of financial support from my government and emotional support from my family, as well as help with our son) then perhaps we can be more natural with each other and unwind that twisting of our relationship. With a bit of time and space we may be able to heal and possibly get remarried in time if that is what we want to do and we choose it rather than it being our only option. Or perhaps his feelings never grow. My question is, do I just end the relationship and marriage and move home and stay there, in which case I would prefer to fly out as soon as possible. Or, do I stay living with my husband for a few more months (which is very hard for me as I love him and living together in this dynamic is fine for him but emotionally rough on me) until flight costs decrease and he is able to fly with my son and I and take a small holiday with us, which is what he thinks is the best option, and dissolve the marriage but being open to starting fresh? 
 

I do believe him when he says that he doesn’t love me, so I am under no illusion about that. I will say though that in Japanese culture love is something very rarely spoken about or expressed. He’s never even heard his parents say it to him and when asking how he feels about his son and if he loves him, he says, “I like him a lot. He’s funny. I guess maybe I do. But love is something different, isn’t it?” I can see clearly that he adores his son and loves being with him. He takes millions of photos and videos and plays with him happily and the thought of not seeing him has made him emotional. So, I know that he loves him even if he doesn’t recognise it. In that context, given it is his son, it’s hard for me to place where his feelings for me are. But I can only believe him when he says he doesn’t love me, but should I be open to dissolving the marriage and continuing our relationship more freely and without the pressure of it being necessary like it was the first time? Would dissolving the marriage just make repairing our relationship impossible? Would doing so take it to that unrecoverable place if it can even be recovered? He, unbeknownst to me at the time, entered the marriage already feeling it was twisted and wrong, and forced. I married him because I loved him and wanted to keep our family together. So, to me, this marriage was real and to him it wasn’t. I realise, now being aware of this, that no matter how happy we may have been or without issues we could have been, the marriage was never going to work when entered into with that feeling and belief (and mindset). He doesn’t feel like this marriage is real even if we seek help and counselling because of the way it began, so repairing it, for him, will never work. And I don’t want to stay married to someone who doesn’t want to be married to me. But, is there any way through this? It is so heartbreaking for me. I want to stay together and fight for our relationship, but if it is beyond repair, I should just get on with moving back to Australia. Please offer your insights and advice. Thank you in advance and sorry for the wall of text I’d hoped to avoid.

Edited by LotusBlack
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51 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

.My husband and I spoke yesterday and he feels that perhaps dissolving the marriage. the baby and I return to Australia. so that I can get some support (both in terms of financial support from my government and emotional support from my family, as well as help with our son) 

Do you want to go home? Unfortunately it seems he wants a divorce. 

You and your child may be better off at home. Particularly since your husband wants a divorce.

At some level you know it will probably be a one way trip.

People don't divorce to get back together. At some level you know this as well.

It seems like your husband did the "honorable" thing marrying you because of the visa and pregnancy, but he now feels overwhelmed and finally admits he felt it was a marriage of convenience (visa), and doesn't want to stay married.

That's ok. You can live happily in your own country with friends,  family,etc. around for support and both of you can be free of a loveless marriage.

Do you think he felt tricked into marrying you? He seems to think it's ok to end it now that your immediate issues were addressed 

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11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

At some level you know it will probably be a one way trip.

People don't divorce to get back together. At some level you know this as well.

I agree. It's very unlikely that you will get back together after you separate. By divorcing, you'll literally be going in the opposite direction.

But I still think you should divorce. Even though you married your husband out of love, your husband married you mainly out of pragmatism. It's very unbalanced.

I know it's heartbreaking, but I think you will be better off in a place where you are truly supported, and not where you feel the stress of his constant rejection.

Edited by Jibralta
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18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you want to go home? Unfortunately it seems he wants a divorce. 

You and your child may be better off at home. Particularly since your husband wants a divorce.

At some level you know it will probably be a one way trip.

People don't divorce to get back together. At some level you know this as well.

It seems like your husband did the "honorable" thing marrying you because of the visa and pregnancy, but he now feels overwhelmed and finally admits he felt it was a marriage of convenience (visa), and doesn't want to stay married.

That's ok. You can live happily in your own country with friends,  family,etc. around for support and both of you can be free of a loveless marriage.

Do you think he felt tricked into marrying you? He seems to think it's ok to end it now that your immediate issues were addressed 

In the beginning, before I found out I was pregnant, I suggested breaking up with him because I knew I was beginning to experience real financial hardship and didn’t want to bring that into a relationship. I loved him but was prepared to let the relationship go as he had already started insisting on buying my groceries, etc. I didnmt want that to become the narrative of our relationship. When we discussed it, he got very emotional and said he didn’t want to end things. Then I found out I was pregnant and finally allowed him to help me with groceries as I wanted to put my baby first and also give my boyfriend the chance to have a say with the baby, etc.

Then, my college accommodation contract ended and he suggested we move in together. I was 3 months pregnant at that time. I insisted it was too soon and that we should take it slowly and find another option. I reassured him that we didn’t need to make that step at the point and it would be okay and our relationship would be better off. He just broke down and really wanted us to live together. He cried, and I had never seen him like that before. This was his first really serious relationship, but not mine. And, against my better judgement, I moved forward with moving in together and it was the wrong decision in hindsight. 
 

For me, I also had the preservation of our relationship as my focus and I think at that point he started, subconsciously, seeing me not as a partner but as several issues that needed to be solved. He is a very practical person, a scientist. My life became a series of checks he had to tick off - fix the financial issue, fix the housing issue, get her through her degree, get her through her pregnancy, fix the visa issue. At the time, i didn’t realise that’s what he was doing and the second you start seeing someone as a number of issue to fix, you stop looking at them as a person and your partner. He still maintains he didn’t see it that way, but I believe he subconsciously did, particularly as I never asked or wanted him to fix those things. I was working through them myself, as I had always done when faced with challenges before I  met him. I was in a very difficult position, but I was confident I’d find a way through them as I am resourceful and hard working and been through worse. But often what he voiced as being his reasons weren’t, in fact, his internal reasons, and I made choices based of what he had expressed to me at the time. So, to find out after the fact that he chose options that I would never have agreed to had I been aware of the underlying reasoning, really hurts because I was so clear about why I wanted to get married and that if there were any doubts on his end or any chance that he felt that his future happiness may be compromised by us getting married, then I wouldn’t do it. Love was absolutely a requirement for this step and only to be taken at that time if we were confident we were headed in that direction anyway. He said he did. But, he withheld important information from me because he made the decision on his own that there was only one way forward and getting married was it. I then didn’t make informed choices because I never wanted to end up here, in this position. I never wanted to get married to someone who didn’t want to marry me. 
 

Over the course of this past 1 year there have been 3 separate occasions where I have attempted to book a flight home and end the relationship when we met a conflict that seemed unable to be overcome. Given the pandemic and travel restrictions and costs of airfares, etc. it often meant that the flight was really soon, like 2 weeks from that point. I had the money to fly, and was prepared to do it. And my husband also thought it was the best option, at least until he finished his fellowship (1-2 years) and so I can get some support, but he always insisted that 2 weeks was too rushed. We needed more time to sort out the apartment lease and other things and suggested a month rather that “rushing so much”.  But often by that time the ticker was too expensive or a lockdown came into place and travel restrictions. Every time I tried to leave he always said it was too rushed and then I always lost my chance. 
 

So, recently we’d been doing well. I thought we were back on track. Getting along great, being affectionate and intimate, having family time together and progressing. The lockdown is starting to end and vaccinations happening - he’s had his. The baby is stabilising and my physical health returning. I’ve been looking for jobs and being positive. He still often brings home little treats for me and such. His fellowship ends next month and before he starts directly working for his current boss, we wanted to take some time to fly to Japan and meet his parents with the baby, and then to Aus to spend some time with my family. It was supposed to be for a holiday. So, given that April is fast approaching, I asked him yesterday morning about it and booking flights. He suggested that perhaps our son and I temporarily remain in Australia so I can get my finances a bit more sorted and he can finish up his projects, which will take a about a year but with periodic visits depending on the pandemic and restrictions. That I should keep looking for jobs in the UK though, while in Aus, so that we can unite again when things have settled down. I asked him then if he wants me to just remain in Aus. Does he want to be together. If not, I don’t want to just hang around here living together for a few more months. I’d rather just get on with it and fly as soon as possible, which is on the 15th of this month. He said it was too rushed. We needed time, as he has said every other time. I said that, no, not this time. My mental health cannot take months more of just living together and being, what, friends? No, it hurts too much. If he doesn’t want to be with me and doesn’t want the marriage then let’s end the marriage and I will leave. He backtracked and said that he wasn’t saying he wants a divorce, but just thinks some time apart is good. He then said his feelings for the relationship are neutral. He doesn’t necessarily want to divorce, but maybe if we weren’t married we could be more natural and he would be able to figure out if letting me go is the wrong thing for him. But I’m not going to be bouncing back and forth with a baby between countries and being married or not married but in a relationship. 

I keep offering the opportunity for me to leave and he always stops it. I offer to get divorced and he says that that’s not what he was saying he wanted necessarily. I then said that if this is his way of slowly distancing himself from me little by little then there is no need for that, I can just go.  But he insisted that he didn’t want to distance from me little by little, that he’s not confident we can make it work or that he will fall in love with me in time, but perhaps ending the marriage contract will open us up to being natural again and together because we choose it if it can happen. I just don’t know..

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

I agree. It's very unlikely that you will get back together after you separate. By divorcing, you'll literally be going in the opposite direction.

But I still think you should divorce. Even though you married your husband out of love, your husband married you mainly out of pragmatism. It's very unbalanced.

I know it's heartbreaking, but I think you will be better off in a place where you are truly supported, and not where you feel the stress of his constant rejection.

I do agree. I love him very much, but I’m not someone’s problem to fix. I’m not a charity case. I’m a capable person who happens to be in very difficult circumstances that I am doing my best to overcome. I feel that this idea of just temporarily going back to Aus will actually just become me staying there as he realises that he’s happier alone. So, I want to avoid all the pretence and just get on with it. When presented with getting what he wants he backtracks a little and says it’s not reasonable for me to go right now. He has transferred money from his Japanese account to his British one so that I can book my flight, but it won’t process until Monday. When I mentioned flying again this morning he was surprised and said he thought I’d decided to stay for a few more months and then go together. Get some time apart after and then reassess our relationship. But, perhaps I should try to book it once the money comes through on Monday and hope it is still available by then. Every other day around it is x4 more expensive. And I have to consider the fact that I have to quarantine in a hotel in Aus for 2 weeks with a 12 month old and will cost about $3000. 

Edited by LotusBlack
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15 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Yes, I think you should get on with it starting right now, and don't look back. Keep your eye out for a flight that makes sense. But start moving on now.

It feels like I have been going through this breakup for over a year and the rejection hurts every time. I had really hoped that once all the major stressors were gone, we could get back to how we were.
 

I was always told never to make big decisions when you have a new baby because everything is so stressful. And the first year of marriage is really tough. Then when you put those together on top of being a new couple, moving in together, and the pandemic all within a year, it’s bound to be very intense. I thought that if we could overcome all that, that even the most committed couples who had been together for years would struggle with, then we’d come out of it incredibly strong, that we’d be able to face any hardship if we can face all of that. But, I guess when you love someone you have that desire to protect your relationship and when you don’t love that person then you don’t have the desire to preserve and fight for/work on the relationship. I guess he and I fall into opposite sides of that equation.

Edited by LotusBlack
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I'm sorry for such a sad and stressful situation. You both have been through so much - you especially. 

Leaving the country to take a break and recoup seems like a huge step and a massive decision. But it sounds like you really do need some time to recoup, reflect and rest. A supportive and safe environment is vital to that and so perhaps going to be with your family really is the best answer. To do so, you will need to let yourself trust that the right thing will happen. 

You aren't going to get any real answers from each other by staying in the situation and dynamic that you are currently in. It sounds like in one way or another, you should spend some time apart. But I understand how hard this decision is, and how hard it is to know what to do. Especially when you love them.  

Close your eyes and imagine yourself going back to Australia with your son and seeing your family. Visualise it.  Take note of how it feels. 

I hope you are ok x

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17 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

I was always told never to make big decisions when you have a new baby because everything is so stressful. And the first year of marriage is really tough.

Yes, but this is beyond 'tough.' He's literally told you that he wants to dissolve the marriage, and that he doesn't love you. As you say, both of you fall into opposite sides of the relationship equation. It's one thing to fight for a relationship, but it's quite another to fight your partner for the relationship.

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2 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Yes, but this is beyond 'tough.' He's literally told you that he wants to dissolve the marriage, and that he doesn't love you. As you say, both of you fall into opposite sides of the relationship equation. It's one thing to fight for a relationship, but it's quite another to fight your partner for the relationship.

Yes, I stressed that to him yesterday. I said to him that there are only 2 options here. We either want to make this marriage work, and that requires BOTH of us wanting and working for it. Or, we end it and I leave. He said that that was pushy and black and white, which nothing ever is, and that there are other options, like I move out with the baby or to a closer European country so we can easily visit with each other and end the contract (meaning our marriage), reassess our relationship. But no, that isn’t an option for me because it requires a substation amount of savings, which I no longer have, and a difficult visa process, which is long even without the pandemic and restrictions that are now in place everywhere. All the effort is on me to do all the work. He has to just stay where he is in the house he’s in with the job he has and do nothing else. 

 

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27 minutes ago, elsewhereagain said:

I'm sorry for such a sad and stressful situation. You both have been through so much - you especially. 

Leaving the country to take a break and recoup seems like a huge step and a massive decision. But it sounds like you really do need some time to recoup, reflect and rest. A supportive and safe environment is vital to that and so perhaps going to be with your family really is the best answer. To do so, you will need to let yourself trust that the right thing will happen. 

You aren't going to get any real answers from each other by staying in the situation and dynamic that you are currently in. It sounds like in one way or another, you should spend some time apart. But I understand how hard this decision is, and how hard it is to know what to do. Especially when you love them.  

Close your eyes and imagine yourself going back to Australia with your son and seeing your family. Visualise it.  Take note of how it feels. 

I hope you are ok x

Thank you for the uplifting energy. ❤️

To be honest, I left Australia 6 years ago to live in Germany and then several years in Japan, which is where I was until I started my degree in UK. It was never my intention to move back to Australia as work in my field is very limited to not possible. My family is also quite toxic and I had been estranged from my family for quite some time. When I got pregnant I reached out and things are slowly getting there with them but if I return to Aus it won’t be to a reliable and supportive family, though my husband feels it would be despite the fact he’s never met them. I would be going there with the knowledge I’d have to start again and build my life up without relying on them really at all or having them too involved in my life. My mother was the only safe person in my family and I haven’t been back since she passed 3 years ago. A life in Australia, despite it being my home country, would be just like moving to a foreign country and starting again there. My primary reason for moving there again would be so that my son could have a relationship with my family, if they promised to treat him with kindness, and to get financial support through my government while I get my situation sorted out. Those are good reasons though.

Edited by LotusBlack
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1 hour ago, LotusBlack said:

He suggested that perhaps our son and I temporarily remain in Australia so I can get my finances a bit more sorted.

The good news is you have your degree and your child, both of which you can bring home with you and  start a new life around supportive friends and family. Win-Win. he's out of a marriage he never wanted and you have your child and degree.

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Posted (edited)
14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The good news is you have your degree and your child, both of which you can bring home with you and  start a new life around supportive friends and family. Win-Win. he's out of a marriage he never wanted and you have your child and degree.

I have a masters degree in Egyptology. It really requires a PhD to do anything more with this field of academia, which was the original goal. Unfortunately, though, my supervisor caused many issues for many people and she saw to it that I failed. I brought this to the Board of Graduate Studies and fought this decision. They agreed and allowed me to pass,  but in such a way that they failed all my subjects on the transcript but gave me an overall Pass on the degree. So, should I apply for a PhD or try to get a job in my field, which I hard without a PhD, then my transcript is very important and all it shows is a contradicting Pass on a failed degree. Many colleagues think I should take this further, but this is a very small field and I risk alienating one of the tops scholars and ruining my career indefinitely. I at least thought having the Cambridge brand would help me get my foot in the door for interviews at other jobs if nothing else (I’m a qualified English teacher and examiner), but it has not helped at all. I don’t want to be a a negative Nancy, but I don’t consider my degree when I make choices any more. I saved up $40,000 in cash to pay for it and borrowed a further $30,000, getting myself into debt to make up the difference I fell short of and though I love my field, I deeply regret studying at Cambridge  as it simultaneously ended my career and now I’m still paying the loan for it. I do have my child though, and he is irreplaceable. 🙂 

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5 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

I have a masters degree in Egyptology. It really requires a PhD to do anything more with this field of academia I saved up $40,000 in cash to pay for it and borrowed a further $30,000, getting myself into debt .

Ok, well you can still go home to Australia with yourself and your child and whatever education you have already, and go home to take care of your child, get support from family and hopefully government aid with your finances, debt etc. Your husband wants a divorce, not to further your dream job through extraordinarily expensive and extensive education.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Posted (edited)
9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, well you can still go home to Australia with yourself and your child and whatever education you have already, and go home to take care of your child, get support from family and hopefully government aid with your finances, debt etc. Your husband wants a divorce, not to further your dream job through extraordinarily expensive and extensive education.

I agree. I never intended to pursue a PhD unless it was fully funded through a funding body, which is the avenue most people go through with PhDs. I’d already resigned myself during my degree to the fact I won’t be working in my field of choice. It’s why I don’t consider it anymore. I had this long-term goal since I was 8 and worked towards getting into Cam and getting a PhD well before I met him and only met him once I moved to UK at Cam as he’s a postdoctoral researcher at the uni. I never intended for him to pay to further my education. I stayed in the UK for my husband and child. But, I think it is now no longer feasible. He doesn’t want the marriage, as you said, and I have no desire to impose myself upon someone who doesn’t want to be with me.
 

I guess I was more wondering if I should just ignore his advice to leave in 2 months with him when it is cheaper and the pandemic is more under control or if I should just go on the 15th of this month..

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25 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

 I saved up $40,000 in cash to pay for it and borrowed a further $30,000, getting myself into debt to make up the difference I fell short of and though I love my field, I deeply regret studying at Cambridge  as it simultaneously ended my career and now I’m still paying the loan for it. I do have my child though, and he is irreplaceable. 🙂 

I remember you from your first thread here a few years back. You have quite an impressive and admirable story. Not many people have done what you've done! 

Pass is not the best mark to show but it's not the end of the world, it's not a "failed" degree. 

Since it's difficult to stay in Europe (have you tried Greece, it's probably easier than the rest of the European countries), have you considered moving together in Japan where you can work as an English teacher? 

He was not right, he should have been more responsible with his decision. The kid will pay the price. Thankfully, it has a great mother!

 

 

Edited by dias
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2 minutes ago, dias said:

I remember you from your first thread here a few years back. You have quite an impressive and admirable story. Not many people have done what you've done! 

Pass is not the best mark to show but it's not the end of the world, it's not a "failed" degree. 

Since it's difficult to stay in Europe (have you tried Greece, it's probably easier than the rest of the European countries), have you considered moving together in Japan where you can work as an English teacher? 

He was not right, he should have been more responsible with his decision. The kid will pay the price. Thankfully, it has a great mother!

 

 

Thank you. Fortunately, Cambridge degrees are only awarded as Pass or Fail. If you pass with a 90% is shows the same as if you pass with a 60%, for example. The issue comes down to when the transcript is asked for and individual subjects and exams can be looked at. Even the ones I excelled in were brought down to a marginal fail. She really went all out to bury me. It’s not just me, she’s done this to other people. No idea why Cambridge hasn’t fired her.

I have considered returning to Japan. At this time they are not letting foreigners in who aren’t residents, even though I am registered as the spouse of a Japanese national. I had a previous lecturing job at a university there, so returning there would better for me than even returning to Aus, financially speaking. I’ve also looked at returning to other countries I’ve lived in before but this pandemic is really restricting things and I just don’t have the funds for going anywhere other than Aus. 

 

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With countries administering vaccines, it might be autumn when hopefully everyone will have received their vaccines. With your family being toxic, and you having to tell them to be kind to your son, I have a feeling this will turn out really badly. You will need their support, and being toxic, they likely won't welcome that expectation.

What would I do in your shoes? Definitely would no longer be intimate. You don't want to risk getting pregnant again with someone you have no future with. As tough as it will be living with someone who wants a divorce, I would have a discussion about remaining married on paper only for now, but living together only as co-parents. And then if I were you, if your husband's home in the evenings, find a job, even if menial in the evenings, even if part time, to gain some income. And then when the borders open up and there are no more restrictions due to covid, begin applying for the higher paying jobs you qualify for in a place you enjoy living.

When you think about the span of time, it's really not that long of a time you will need to put up with living in this less than fulfilling partnership. My advice would be different if he was abusive. Start thinking of him as a roommate co-parent and that it will give you time to build some living expenses for when you get a good paying job in a place that's optimum to live.

Build your own new family where you will eventually live. I usually find more emotional support from friends than I do from family. Good luck.

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2 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

Thank you for the uplifting energy. ❤️

To be honest, I left Australia 6 years ago to live in Germany and then several years in Japan, which is where I was until I started my degree in UK. It was never my intention to move back to Australia as work in my field is very limited to not possible. My family is also quite toxic and I had been estranged from my family for quite some time. When I got pregnant I reached out and things are slowly getting there with them but if I return to Aus it won’t be to a reliable and supportive family, though my husband feels it would be despite the fact he’s never met them. I would be going there with the knowledge I’d have to start again and build my life up without relying on them really at all or having them too involved in my life. My mother was the only safe person in my family and I haven’t been back since she passed 3 years ago. A life in Australia, despite it being my home country, would be just like moving to a foreign country and starting again there. My primary reason for moving there again would be so that my son could have a relationship with my family, if they promised to treat him with kindness, and to get financial support through my government while I get my situation sorted out. Those are good reasons though.

Ok that's not so ideal then. You don't need to close your eyes to imagine or get clarity on that!😂

You have so much going on, I hope you are being kind to yourself. 

Am I right that you can't stay in the country without the visa? 

Saying that, getting a divorce takes a pretty long time. By what you've said about your husband, you aren't ever going to get what you need from him and moving on from him is going to be the best way. Why does he think the best thing for you would be to be with your family when he hasn't met them and you feel otherwise?! It doesn't sound like he's being very direct about what's actually going on for him. Is he worried about you and your mental health and trying to 'take charge'? Either way, going only on the info so far, it very much sounds like you deserve better. 

Is there anywhere else you can go for some space? Can you outline your position to him that it might be too much to leave the country at this stage but that he could assist in some other way to give you both some time apart and some security? Given he is driving so much of this upheaval in your and his son's life, I think you are entitled to really look at what you need and how he can contribute/assist to that. You DO deserve that. 

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10 hours ago, Dlumpkin said:

Removed link...(Spam)

Thank you. I’ll definitely have a look at it! We were working through the book ‘52 E-mails to Transform Your Marriage: How to Reignite Intimacy and Rebuild Your Relationship’ by Samantha Rodman, but perhaps it’s redundant. 

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Way too much stress, imo

Sounds like neither of you were really settled & ready for all of this and he possibly never felt too comfortable- you both felt the stress, not comfort.

Like an very unstable setting.

I say move back home with your child, as mentioned, where you have your family for support, etc.

If you get out of this marriage, it will not improve with him.. so don't expect that 'new beginning'.  If it hasnt worked by now, it never will.

You two have already given this all a try for a while now.  If either of you are not so 'happy' it will not improve with another attempt.

I don't understand this... get divorced but keep the relationship.

What would the difference be?  You're either involved, or you're not.  With so many issue's it just isn't working, right?

Then get out of there.

 

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25 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Way too much stress, imo

Sounds like neither of you were really settled & ready for all of this and he possibly never felt too comfortable- you both felt the stress, not comfort.

Like an very unstable setting.

I say move back home with your child, as mentioned, where you have your family for support, etc.

If you get out of this marriage, it will not improve with him.. so don't expect that 'new beginning'.  If it hasnt worked by now, it never will.

You two have already given this all a try for a while now.  If either of you are not so 'happy' it will not improve with another attempt.

I don't understand this... get divorced but keep the relationship.

What would the difference be?  You're either involved, or you're not.  With so many issue's it just isn't working, right?

Then get out of there.

 

You’re right, we both were not prepared for it all, though maybe he less than me.

He’s coming from the perspective that the marriage wasn’t organically chosen, so its foundation was not strong enough. He was hoping despite that, though, we’d find happiness but wasn’t convinced about it. I didn’t realise any of this at the time. His feeling is that we need to unwind the twisted foundation and remove that pressure. He doesn’t assume how things will end up one way or another, but thinks it could help us get back to a more natural and comfortable dynamic where we choose each other because it’s what we want and not because we were forced into it by our circumstances. So far he is suggesting we just take time apart but remain living close or I go back to Aus temporarily. He doesn’t want to be separated from his son indefinitely because he cannot move for the time being. 
 

He knows I have posted here and is also looking for and open to advice. I did pass along the advice given here and he has said, “But I haven’t chosen to get divorced, at least not yet and maybe not at all. I don’t know yet what it is that I want. I haven’t decided.” He feels like the best option for now is to stay together until April or May and fly together to Japan and Aus and try a separation to gain clarity and then reassess. But perhaps I should just make the choice for the both of us and end it and leave.

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1 hour ago, Andrina said:

With countries administering vaccines, it might be autumn when hopefully everyone will have received their vaccines. With your family being toxic, and you having to tell them to be kind to your son, I have a feeling this will turn out really badly. You will need their support, and being toxic, they likely won't welcome that expectation.

What would I do in your shoes? Definitely would no longer be intimate. You don't want to risk getting pregnant again with someone you have no future with. As tough as it will be living with someone who wants a divorce, I would have a discussion about remaining married on paper only for now, but living together only as co-parents. And then if I were you, if your husband's home in the evenings, find a job, even if menial in the evenings, even if part time, to gain some income. And then when the borders open up and there are no more restrictions due to covid, begin applying for the higher paying jobs you qualify for in a place you enjoy living.

When you think about the span of time, it's really not that long of a time you will need to put up with living in this less than fulfilling partnership. My advice would be different if he was abusive. Start thinking of him as a roommate co-parent and that it will give you time to build some living expenses for when you get a good paying job in a place that's optimum to live.

Build your own new family where you will eventually live. I usually find more emotional support from friends than I do from family. Good luck.

These are good points and perhaps the best option and way to move forward.

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17 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

the marriage wasn’t organically chosen, so its foundation was not strong enough. He was hoping despite that, though, we’d find happiness but wasn’t convinced about it. I didn’t realise any of this at the time. His feeling is that we need to unwind the twisted foundation and remove that pressure. He doesn’t assume how things will end up one way or another, but thinks it could help us get back to a more natural and comfortable dynamic where we choose each other because it’s what we want and not because we were forced into it by our circumstances. So far he is suggesting we just take time apart but remain living close or I go back to Aus temporarily.

- He is hoping....what about YOU?

This need to want to 'unwind  the twisted foundation and remove that pressure'.. there will always be pressures thru our lives.  You cannot avoid that-  He can either handle it or he can't.

As for splitting up.. so separating- been there, and never went back.

So.. what do you want or think on this?  You prefer to be back home?

That, or just live in seperate locations... Unless you do go back in time (where you all go, so he is not too far away- for visitations).

 

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Posted (edited)
19 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

- He is hoping....what about YOU?

This need to want to 'unwind  the twisted foundation and remove that pressure'.. there will always be pressures thru our lives.  You cannot avoid that-  He can either handle it or he can't.

As for splitting up.. so separating- been there, and never went back.

So.. what do you want or think on this?  You prefer to be back home?

That, or just live in seperate locations... Unless you do go back in time (where you all go, so he is not too far away- for visitations).

 

I agree, the reason for marrying at this point isn’t relevant because we made the decision to do it, so, we either choose to stay married and do the work to build it up, forgive the past and move forward together, or we end things. That is what I have been saying to him since this all came up. I took my vows seriously and I meant them. It’s hard to be the one on my end who isn’t loved and to have to remain in the household with the person I’m married to but still not wanted.
 

He just has it in his head that the way it began sets the dynamic without the ability to change it. For me it is as simple as making the choice to treat it differently, do the work and stick to it if it’s what both sides want. But I’m not interested in trying to convince him or beg. We’re at that point where I just want to make a decision and confirm we’re on the same page and get on with it. He cannot offer what he wants to do though. I am getting to the point where I’m just going to make the decision for both of us.

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