Trying to survive being a highly sensitive man

[mrme1177]

I’m living off of disability because of my depression . I am usually always around people who live always being toxic. I grew up in a family with a history of depression and anxiety. I am still the only one who took therapy and medication seriously. I also have my dads family who are all happy and healthy so they are distant to me how I’m not. I have been told that I’m treatment resistant to medications. In reality it just means medications don’t have the highest success rate but I guess it’s better if it’s on me. I ended up doing TMS and had some results but still struggling. I am still on low doses of medications and after being hospitalized recently can’t argue to maybe try not taking them at all. 
 

I ended up doing EMDR therapy for about 2 years but had to stop cause after my recent hospitalization the pessimistic psychiatrist at the hospital made it seem like the therapy wasn’t helping me. It could be the medications weren’t helping me but like they expect you to say I’m not a doctor. I’m not gonna use profanity but he was a real character.  My old therapist hasn’t really told me why she believed his opinion to the point where I had to see a new therapist. I still go to therapy once a week. 

After leaving the hospital I was in emergency housing for two weeks until I ended up in a group home. I know how I’m not working I am kinda at the mercy of the system. I tried working retail cause they hire anyone. I worked in retail when I was younger and not full blown depressed for a few years. I guess I made the mistake of being open with my depression cause no new jobs would hire me with no recent work history. I ended up going back to two different places I worked at before. The first job I lasted 8 months the next job 2 months. I know some people go from job to job to try to survive so disability I can be grateful to some extent. I wanted to try working again but with my anger kinda spilling out from my situation and COVID I guess I have a wait and see attitude. 

I honestly have gotten to the point where I don’t know what to believe. I always struggled being highly sensitive and in an unhealthy upbringing. I understand a lot of people go through things and still end up ok. I don’t really even know what to expect someone else to tell me anymore. It’s like things are tough and all I can do is deal with it. I kinda just get sick of all of this. I am trying to help myself but I don’t get a break. All I can do is hope this helps someone else because it’s driving me crazy. I feel like I’m in a heartbreaking movie I don’t want to be in anymore. I guess life likes challenging me until I almost break every time. I have lived 36 years like this and all I can do now is laugh instead of cry. I don’t know if my past traumas never healed and I’m making up for lost time lol. I guess this is my first post so don’t need to force you to read a whole book in one post. 
 

 

 

[SooSad33]

Yes.. mental health can be a real challenge 😞 

Is far from easy when it affects you daily... I've also had these issue's thru life.. in & out of therapy (group and one on one).  They were helpful - learning all about mental health issue's and ways to deal with them (PTSD and depression) and in one on one, I learned how to 'vent' to someone who was there 'for me' and I learned some decent coping skills.

Have also been thru a number of med's but that's how it is sometimes, since we are all wired differently.  Anti depr's never did me any good.. But, a few yrs ago I hit a real low and was put in therapy again & put on anxiety meds for a good while, after a cpl yrs on that, I weaned off and was put on a 'mood stablizer' again.

I have had quite a history, and with this round I was accepted w/ disability.  Have some really rough times, sometimes- but not as bad now- as when it all began. (a little more able to 'function' now)- but my anxiety is always underlying.

I've managed to get into some crafts.. I watch my shows, get lost in my music and have a small circle of friends, I deal with when I 'feel like it'... good thing, is they get me.  :) 

Do you have anything to keep your mind occupied?  Always helps.

[Jibralta]

14 hours ago, mrme1177 said:

I always struggled being highly sensitive

What sorts of things are you sensitive to?

[maritalbliss86]

13 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Do you have anything to keep your mind occupied?  Always helps.

This is so important with feeling how you're feeling.  Doing something, even if it's just something silly or simple, may help you to get out of those feelings when they come.

I read your post and felt so much for you.  I'm guessing your background was mentally ill parents (?) and probably verbal abuse or more?  That's what it sounds like reading in between the lines.  And yes, I think a boy growing up in that gets shattered more than girls do sometimes (not all the time).  So it could have really harmed you psychologically if you were already even just a little bit sensitive... that kind of environment sets people up for a very bad adulthood trying to heal from their traumas.

But you CAN heal eventually.  I've seen it happen to men/women.  

I think just keep trying to get a part time or full time job... slowly work yourself out of this, and you'll still have the bad emotions/feelings from your past trauma, but eventually it will get a little easier.

[mrme1177]

I have things like music, shows, walking, looking up cool articles, sometimes texting friends or family, basically trying to keep busy without spending too much money. I guess lately I haven’t really enjoyed the things I usually enjoy. 
 

I once read that sensitive people should avoid toxic people. I just guess that’s easier when your able to support yourself. So not at that point. I think I’m most sensitive to anger which at least where I’ve lived is just the norm. It’s kinda hard for me to go into details cause today I’m feeling a little better. I don’t want to trigger myself cause I need a break. 
 

I guess I made the mistake of staying at my grandmas too long to help her with rent. I basically grew up with her and for awhile i wasn’t able to pay rent. She is very caring but over protective and constantly worrying. She treats everyone like they’re a kid. It also makes it worse cause she plays favorites with people who are struggling so other family members get jealous. It’s just an unhealthy situation but I feel like that’s more common. I end up getting tired of trying to get help but basically only end up surviving this mess. Again my brain can’t really get straight to the point. I guess this is the crying for help stage cause my brain is fried.