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He had sex with me when I was drunk blacked out


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Over the past few months I've blacked out drunk 3 times. I haven't changed anything about my drinking habits, although I have lost a significant amount of weight, but I never blacked out before these 3 incidents. 

This last time my boyfriend asked if I remember anything about the previous night, which I did not. He reenacted everything that occurred, which was him undressing me, giving me oral several times and having sex with me over the course of 2 hours, with breaks for water. This is our sexual norm when I'm awake and I've always told him he could make love to me anytime, even if I was in such a state. I don't feel violated, we are very much happy and in love. We joked about the whole thing...

As I've thought about it a bit more I've become curious as to if this is abnormal, or something I should be alarmed about. Is it "normal" that someone enjoy sex with someone who was blacked out? And over the course of 2 hours? Again, I don't feel violated at all. If anything I'm upset that my body is all of a sudden blacking out to the same amount of alcohol I've always been fine with. I'm putting this in the abuse section wondering if this could be a trait for an abusive/ violent person. He's never shown he has the potential for anything like that but reality is we have only been together for 5 months, you just never know....

 

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10 minutes ago, Solana said:

Over the past few months I've blacked out drunk 3 times. I haven't changed anything about my drinking habits, although I have lost a significant amount of weight, but I never blacked out before these 3 incidents. 

 This is our sexual norm when I'm awake and I've always told him he could make love to me anytime, even if I was in such a state. I don't feel violated, . We joked about the whole thing...

 Again, I don't feel violated at all. If anything I'm upset that my body is all of a sudden blacking out to the same amount of alcohol I've always been fine with. 

I would say that ALL of the above points to an urgent need for you to seek professional counselling/therapy AND go to AA meetings.  You need to quit drinking.  You said you lost weight but drinking the same amount, so obviously your body can't handle that amount and hence you keep passing out.  You're not doing yourself any favors and your health is at risk. Go to AA meetings - your drinking needs to stop.

"I've become curious as to if this is abnormal,"   ..... -  Yes, I would agree with that.  Please get help.

As for your boyfriend - he's doing what you told him he can do.  He's doing what you said was allowed.  He thinks this is normal in your relationship.  Yes, he should know better.  I don't know how old you two are, but hopefully he'll grow up and mature enough to learn that this behaviour is just not right.  You BOTH need help, imo.

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30 minutes ago, Solana said:

Over the past few months I've blacked out drunk 3 times. I've always told him he could make love to me anytime, even if I was in such a state. I don't feel violated

If you're suddenly blacking out and losing weight the best bet is to go to your doctor for an evaluation. 

As far as your BF, you gave him consent.

Also see if this would help: 

https://www.aa.org/pages/en_us/is-aa-for-you-twelve-questions-only-you-can-answer

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This may be splitting hairs as, either way indicates a serious drinking problem.

but when you say black out do you mean you don't remember? or do you mean passed out as unconscious?

It is one thing to have sex with a person that is participating and actively involved but doesn't remember the night before. It's another to have sex with an unconscious, unable to participate person. 

 

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Original poster Solana here... 

In regards to the drinking, I can see how it appears I need help. I should have clarified that I drink on my days off from work,  maybe 2x a week not every week but it can be up to twice a week. I meant that I've always known my limit and it's never caused anything negative until the recent blackouts. In regards to the weight loss, that is intentional. I guess that has caused the difference in my alcohol tolerance. 

As far as that night, I was totally blacked out unconscious. I plan to change my alcohol consumption because it definitely concerns me to not remember anything.

My main question is whether the act of him having sex with me in that condition is alarming. Again I dont feel violated, I'm just interested in how others view it.

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Blacking out =/= unconscious or otherwise incapacitated.  I've forgotten stretches of time after a few beers over the course of a whole evening and have fully remembered lying on my back in a parking lot in my own vomit, nauseously watching the stars spin in my younger and much dumber days doing benders.  And beyond conjecture, there is a physiological distinction.  

Alcohol inhibits long-term memory processing.  The most sure way to limit the effect is to not drink at all.  Not drinking yourself to impairment and beyond certainly helps as well.  If you were laid out passed out or unengaged while you were blacked out, obviously that's not "normal" for someone to enjoy.  That's called rape whether you consented to intercourse prior to incapacitation or not.  If you were engaged but simply don't remember, that's another matter.  There's no way for you or us to know. 

As has been suggested, taking steps to address your drinking is going to be the ideal solution.  In the meantime, you probably are going to want to proactively take sex off the table after any alcohol has been involved.  

Edited by j.man
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I need to ask this as it would give us a bit more insight. How many drinks do you usually have? You also mentioned that you've only been together for 5 months, how did you guys meet?

Blackouts can be a sign of excessive drinking, spiked drinks or medical reasons, losing weight unexpectedly can happen due to medical reasons - but I'd rather not jump to conclusions and I'm not a doctor / specialist.

It's certainly not normal. Having sex with an unconscious person is definitely not okay. It's actually quite worrisome! As others have suggested, going to a doctor for an evaluation would be a good idea.

Edited by greendots
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7 hours ago, greendots said:

 You also mentioned that you've only been together for 5 months, 

Blackouts can be a sign of excessive drinking, spiked drinks or medical reasons.

Excellent observation and point. If these blackouts are new, only the past few months you've been dating, and you're drinking the same, there's  something wrong besides just getting too drunk.

Stop seeing him. And do get to a doctor. Mention specifically how much you drink, what else you are taking,etc. 

Keep in mind many benzodiazipines  have amnesic effects as well as a potentiated effect on drinking.

That includes all anxiety medications etc., but also "date rape" drugs.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Having sex with an unconscious or drugged person is definitely an abnormal, rapey activity, and I don't know why you would joke about it. The fact that your boyfriend asked you if you remembered anything is extremely disturbing. He's probably testing date rape drugs on you.

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Keep in mind many benzodiazipines  have amnesic effects as well as a potentiated effect on drinking.

That includes all anxiety medications etc., but also "date rape" drugs.

7 hours ago, greendots said:

Blackouts can be a sign of excessive drinking, spiked drinks

You should report this joker to the police. Put him on their radar. You may not care what happens to your body, but most other people do not like to be violated while unconscious or otherwise. Do the rest of society a favor, please, and talk to the cops about his.

Edited by Jibralta
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1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

You should report this joker to the police. 

He has not committed a crime that has evidence as yet. She was not brought to an ER for an exam or blood alcohol levels or toxicology screen. The best approach to to see her Doctor First. And stop seeing him. Without evidence and according to her with consent, running to the police is pointless. The police are not doctors or alcohol counselors or toxicology experts.

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A blackout is defined as a period of unconsciousness. She found out after the fact, which means she did not give consent. Many of the date rape drugs do not show up in toxicology reports. If this happened to me, you can bet your ass I'd be going to the cops. They will decide whether it is a crime or not. If the cops choose to do nothing, that's their call. But it will be on record in case it happens to somebody else.

Edited by Jibralta
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2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

A blackout is defined as a period of unconsciousness. She found out after the fact, which means she did not give consent. Many of the date rape drugs do not show up in toxicology reports. If this happened to me, you can bet your ass I'd be going to the cops. They will decide whether it is a crime or not. If the cops choose to do nothing, that's their call. But it will be on record in case it happens to somebody else.

I was fed a date rape drug in the 80’s and subsequently raped. I am going to guess by the hallucinations it was LSD. Very dangerous with alcohol. If I knew who the person was and wasn’t already at greater risk due to being previously molested I would have gone to the police. 

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How would he even know if you're blacked out? It's not like you'd even know...know what I mean?

 

The real issue here is how much are you drinking?? Normally you're liver might not last 10 years if you got to where you were blacking out, say, twice a week, for example.

Unless you just black out super easy for some reason, keep tabs on that.

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On 3/6/2021 at 8:28 AM, Jibralta said:

A blackout is defined as a period of unconsciousness. She found out after the fact, which means she did not give consent. Many of the date rape drugs do not show up in toxicology reports. If this happened to me, you can bet your ass I'd be going to the cops. They will decide whether it is a crime or not. If the cops choose to do nothing, that's their call. But it will be on record in case it happens to somebody else.

Blacking out only means your memory stops imprinting. You still walk, talk, and make decisions despite no memory being retained.  This is well established, at least regarding the terminology I thought....maybe not though.

Are you maybe confusing blacking out with losing consciousness? I know they mix this stuff up in news articles regularly. 

Edited by TravisRyno
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9 hours ago, TravisRyno said:

Are you maybe confusing blacking out with losing consciousness? I know they mix this stuff up in news articles regularly. 

No. Google it if you are not sure.

 

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On 3/5/2021 at 11:25 PM, Solana So said:

As far as that night, I was totally blacked out unconscious.

And his instinct was to have sex with you, rather than call for help?

This is disturbing on many levels. If you're so drunk you're unconscious, you need medical attention. You're both being incredibly reckless and the boundaries here are very troubling. 

So, no, none of this is normal. 

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Some of this brings back memories of my youth. I used to drink until I actually passed out. Then guys I hung out with would have sex with me. The next morning I would ask my female friend,”I feel like I had sex, who did I sleep with?” Nowadays, with the me too movement and all of that, people want to fry these guys and call them rapists. However, I don’t like to see teenage boys who were also drunk as well as full of hormones, put on sex offend lists along with rapist who do it sober and know the girl isn’t willing. Or with pedophiles. How do you know that when you are trashed, you don’t throw yourself on these guys? I always took it that it was my fault for drinking to that point and even today as an adult who doesn’t drink, I still think women have to take responsibility for their behavior and their drinking, not just blame the man when they regret the consensual sex the next morning. I don’t believe your boyfriend is doing anything wrong if you told him he could and like someone else said, there is a difference between you laying there like a dead person, obviously passed out, and you just seeming drunk to him and then not remembering the next morning. If it bothers you, I would tell him NO sex when I am drunk. If he still does, then I would have concerns about him. Does he treat you like a person with a right to your own opinions, or an object? That is one way to tell an abuser. I ended up dating a maniac that was abusive when I was young (53 now, this was when I was 24).  After reading what I wrote earlier, go figure? lol I went to therapy for battered women and it taught me the signs that you chose to ignore because you want the relationship. One is they think of you more like an object, not an individual person. They get mad and jealous. If they do something wrong and you ask them about it, they turn it around so that you look like you did something wrong. You ask him where he was when he didn’t come home last night and by the end of the conversation he has you apologizing for not trusting him (and in the confusion he created, he conveniently never answered your question).  They are very manipulative.  If you met him in a bar while you were drunk, if you are addicted to him because of the sex, these are not good things to base a relationship on. If you want to always have someone because you don’t want to be alone, predatory or abusive men can read that. It is like you are sending out the signal and they swarm to you. If this is you, work on making yourself happy and stop dating for awhile and see being alone does not equal lonely. Therapy for battered women taught me that it is up to YOU to show a man what you will and will not tolerate! If he doesn’t like that he can’t walk on you, run. You have to stand up for yourself and not accept a man that doesn’t respect you. You have to set boundaries so that he does respect you and so that you don’t feel abused. I also see that drinking could be a big problem in your life! It makes you make bad decisions and I met my abuser in a bar. I am not calling you alcoholic I drank way too much because I was just self destructive and unhappy. I was happy and having fun when drinking. I would have sex with someone. Then the next morning I would feel bad when the guy  wanted nothing to do with me. So I would go out drinking that night to get over the feeling bad. Sleep with someone, vicious cycle. I drank like 5 nights a week, bar hopping. But when I changed my way of thinking and did not want to keep hurting myself, I just stopped drinking. Of course, if you need help stopping, AA can be helpful. Problem is, we are all telling you to stop drinking and you probably are reading thinking “I don’t want to stop drinking!” So you may not be there yet. Nobody can force you, you have to want it. Counseling could help you explore your reasons for drinking so much and help you change yourself for the positive. When your life starts going good, then you might realize how destructive the drinking has been for you.  No judgement, as you can see, I was totally F-ed up in my youth!  I have done way worse than whatever you are doing! You just have to learn to love yourself enough to take care of yourself. 

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1 hour ago, Need help said:

I don’t like to see teenage boys who were also drunk as well as full of hormones, put on sex offend lists along with rapist who do it sober and know the girl isn’t willing.

It's unpleasant to see teenagers get DUIs and sometimes seriously injure or kill themselves, their friends, or innocent strangers when they drive drunk. But like everybody else, they are taught right from wrong, and are held accountable for their actions. Being drunk doesn't make it ok. Hormones certainly don't make it ok.

Edited by Jibralta
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2 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

It's unpleasant to see teenagers get DUIs and sometimes seriously injure or kill themselves, their friends, or innocent strangers when they drive drunk. But like everybody else, they are taught right from wrong, and are held accountable for their actions. Being drunk doesn't make it ok. Hormones certainly don't make it ok.

Amen!  Drunk doesn’t excuse you from responsibility . 

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His behavior is NOT okay. The fact he wants to just have sex while you’re unconscious is beyond weird. I would re examine your decision for having him as a boyfriend. What other boundaries is he capable of pushing? If he does this! 
 

I think you know in your gut feeling what he’s doing is wrong and to be blunt you shouldn’t have to ask. You should learn to think more highly of yourself to not stay with someone who is disrespectful and is basically using your body to get off of. 
 

I hope you will report him and get help

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The trouble with blacking out is that you can lose memory not just during that moment, but also for a good period of time preceding that is lost from your memory. You don't just have a drink and instantly fall unconscious. There is usually a good amount of time where you will be tipsy and may appear to be in control of your faculties to others for quite some time before you reach a point of inebriation where you pass out and can't remember a large portion of time.

That said, if this isn't your first time passing out...you've got to start looking at your alcohol consumption. You don't have to drink every day to be an alcoholic. Binge drinking - drinking infrequently but to the point of a black out is another form of alcoholism. Basically a case where once you start drinking, you lose control and don't stop until it's too much. Keep in mind that you might not be aware that you are out of control. 

As for your bf, it's impossible to tell. Could easily have been that he thought you were just tipsy and appeared to be having fun or not. You can presume the worst or you can give him the benefit of the doubt. Personally, I don't think it serves you well to presume the worst. Creating a negative story to compensate for YOUR memory loss and alcohol issues doesn't serve you well, imho. It would serve you better to understand that drinking to that degree is not in your best interest and stop drinking entirely. That way you don't have to question your relationships or accuse the guy you are dating of something that might not even be true. 

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Wow Need Help, your argument is just riddled with misogyny and misleading thinking and I hope you never have a loved one in a vulnerable position because you would be of no use at all. 

YOu don't think drunk boys should be held accountable for sexual assault but drunk girls should be held accountable for being the victims of their assault because they should know better? Love this boys will be boys thinking and your extremely elaborate consent system that should all be thought out ahead of time is enabling to men and completely unrealistic. Right now in France, they have basically made it okay to commit murder if you are smoking marijuana, so I assume you think the same goes for rape and drinking. 

 

Let's get this straight -- we are ALL responsible for our behavior ALL of the time and women should NOT have to spend all of their time trying to figure out the numerous ways we can be assaulted ahead of time so we can be completely prepared. Men need to be held accountable for all behavior and all of my friends have taught their sons that VERY clearly. By your thinking, men can just imbibe alcohol or some other compromising substance and then say, oops, sorry I made a mistake but I have a future here. Your thinking is damaging and dangerous. 

 

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