Jump to content

What to think of this, no response yet?


Recommended Posts

Here is a post about my breakup: https://www.enotalone.com/topic/444738-very-unsure-about-what-happened-in-my-relationshipbreakup-would-greatly-appreciate-opinionsadvice/?tab=comments#comment-5656616 

I am back now in my local area in the flat that my ex and I spent a lot of time together. It's been over a month since the breakup, and we haven't spoken a word about it or our emotions, no contact. The second day in my flat I found it pretty painful and ended up crying (just bottled up emotions I think). The following day (yesterday) I was speaking to a colleague (via Teams) about the situation. They (along with other members of my family and colleagues) have suggested/asked over the last few days whether I would contact him to say that I was back. Distance seemed a factor as to why the relationship broke up.

I had one of his t-shirts in my flat, so I sent a text keeping it light hearted, something like 'Hi, hope you're ok 🙂 I have your t-shirt at the flat. Just wondered if you wanted to come and get it and if you fancied a chat?' Upon sending the text, I felt a lot lighter, like a weight had lifted. I had been cooped up in the flat for a couple of days wondering if anything would happen, and I felt like sending the text would help get closure. It's been a day and I've had no response. I sent it on Whatsapp (our usual form of communication), and he hasn't opened the message (so it hasn't registered as being read), but he's been online a lot since. I'm not going to send another as I've extended the offer and that's all I can do (and to also address the practicality thing with the t-shirt). 

I always knew going into this situation that there was a possibility I wouldn't receive a response, but I just wanted opinions on what his thoughts and feelings may be? At this stage, I've stopped checking my phone waiting for a reply, and whilst it is advisable that you shouldn't break no contact, I feel a great sense of relief finally feeling that this situation will give me some answers.

Thank you to the members of this forum who have been largely supportive of my situation so far. It has been helpful knowing that I can come here for some sanctuary.

Edited by artsygirl
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi there.  I don't think that anyone can tell you what his thoughts and feelings may be.  Based on your previous post, you were together for only three months.  First, he love-bombed you.  Then, he broke up with you via text message, which was a major douche move.  Imo, there is a chance that you were a rebound and then his ex came back.  That is just a guess but if that is the case then your text would be an inconvenience to him. 

 

Regardless, based on the way he left, chances are that he won't reply or he will reply something lame.  Based on the way he broke up with you, he has an avoidant personality and his non-reply shows that he is still very much the same.  You did what you felt that you needed to do so there is no reason to regret it.  However, imo, you need to let this go.  If you were to be honest with yourself the t-shirt is just an excuse to contact him and doesn't really matter what happens to it.  However, you are not the first who has contacted an ex in that manner, nor will you be the last.  He was your first relationship and it is hard to let go, especially since you were broken up with in such a lame way.  However, the truth is that closure comes from within and not from the other person.  The way he left tells you all you need to know about him to move on.  He is spineless and he is definitely not the one.  The person who is meant for you will not treat you like that in a million years. 

 

As for what he might be feeling, at best he may be feeling some guilt.  At worst, he may be wishing for you to go away already, so that he won't have to explain himself any more.  To me it sounds like his ex came back, hence he broke up with you in such a lame way but that's just a hunch.  Regardless, his silence indicates that he wants to avoid you.  Imo, you need to accept that he is just an avoidant person with no spine.   You lost nobody special.  Relationships take time.  At three months, you never got to know his real self and based on the way he broke up with you, you definitely dodged a bullet there.  Life is hard as it is.  No-one should have to spend it with a spineless person.  You did what you had to do.  Time to let go.  Good luck.        

Edited by Clio
  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
32 minutes ago, Clio said:

Hi there.  I don't think that anyone can tell you what his thoughts and feelings may be.  Based on your previous post, you were together for only three months.  First, he love-bombed you.  Then, he broke up with you via text message, which was a major douche move.  Imo, there is a chance that you were a rebound and then his ex came back.  That is just a guess but if that is the case then your text would be an inconvenience to him. 

 

Regardless, based on the way he left, chances are that he won't reply or he will reply something lame.  Based on the way he broke up with you, he has an avoidant personality and his non-reply shows that he is still very much the same.  You did what you felt that you needed to do so there is no reason to regret it.  However, imo, you need to let this go.  If you were to be honest with yourself the t-shirt is just an excuse to contact him and doesn't really matter what happens to it.  However, you are not the first who has contacted an ex in that manner, nor will you be the last.  He was your first relationship and it is hard to let go, especially since you were broken up with in such a lame way.  However, the truth is that closure comes from within and not from the other person.  The way he left tells you all you need to know about him to move on.  He is spineless and he is definitely not the one.  The person who is meant for you will not treat you like that in a million years. 

 

As for what he might be feeling, at best he may be feeling some guilt.  At worst, he may be wishing for you to go away already, so that he won't have to explain himself any more.  To me it sounds like his ex came back, hence he broke up with you in such a lame way but that's just a hunch.  Regardless, his silence indicates that he wants to avoid you.  Imo, you need to accept that he is just an avoidant person with no spine.   You lost nobody special.  Relationships take time.  At three months, you never got to know his real self and based on the way he broke up with you, you definitely dodged a bullet there.  Life is hard as it is.  No-one should have to spend it with a spineless person.  You did what you had to do.  Time to let go.  Good luck.        

Thank you, Clio. I really appreciate the time you took to offer this response. Yes, I agree, it's a rubbish feeling, but it's given me the closure that I need now so I'm glad I went ahead and extended the hand (I was just kinda going out of my mind being stuck in my flat on my own with the memories, I felt like I needed to put it to bed once and for all). Thank you again, this is helpful

Link to post
Share on other sites

Honestly, if I were in his situation, I’d probably not respond right away either. It’d probably take me a few days to sit with it and really determine how I wanted to respond, and whether or not I wanted to open that can of worms.

Based on what I learned from reading Clio’s response, about how the relationship ended, I’d say it sounds like he’s someone you’re better off without. Would you agree? Do you know what you want from the situation if he were to respond?

Edited by indea08
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)
9 minutes ago, indea08 said:

Honestly, if I were in his situation, I’d probably not respond right away either. It’d probably take me a few days to sit with it and really determine how I wanted to respond, and whether or not I wanted to open that can of worms.

Based on what I learned from reading Clio’s response, about how the relationship ended, I’d say it sounds like he’s someone you’re better off without. Would you agree? Do you know what you want from the situation if he were to respond?

Thanks, indea08. I would agree that I can see why there is a delay in the response, and I certainly haven't reached out again nor will I, nor will I push for the answer. The ball is in his court now. 

I suppose in terms of what I want from the situation, if he agreed to see me for the chat, I think it's just to talk generally about the relationship itself. While on the phone after he sent the breakup text, everything sounded very up in the air on his end (like he couldn't even really describe or explain exactly what was going on in his head with it), the distance seemed to be a factor, and I think by reaching out it was to see whether a line of communication could be opened to have the important conversation as to why it really ended.

This being said, I think Clio's response hits the nail on the head nicely, and is opening my eyes that he is just being completely avoidant and did love bomb me. Having looked at the avoidant personality symptoms online, I see a lot that resonates with him. I believe that communication seems to be a huge issue for him, and that's something that would not be good whatsoever in a healthy relationship. Will update if anything gets said. Thank you for response again 🙂 

Edited by artsygirl
Link to post
Share on other sites

I would take the no response as him not being interested. If he does respond you might want to rethink whether meeting up at all or a chat is helpful or any closure to you. That delay speaks volumes. If someone is over the moon that you're in town, do you think they'd take over 24 hours to respond? You'd hear a quick "let's do lunch" or coffee or something along those lines. Anything less than that is humming and hawing and especially an ex, don't leave yourself open to any misinterpretations. You could be dragging this out for much longer, creating more pain and confusion for yourself. 

I think the kindest thing he can do is not respond at all because he might give you the wrong impression even if it's just a chat or to pick up the tshirt. Don't feel bad for reaching out. I think this shows your capacity to care for someone - just make sure that it's for someone worth the while. 

 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

I would take the no response as him not being interested. If he does respond you might want to rethink whether meeting up at all or a chat is helpful or any closure to you. That delay speaks volumes. If someone is over the moon that you're in town, do you think they'd take over 24 hours to respond? You'd hear a quick "let's do lunch" or coffee or something along those lines. Anything less than that is humming and hawing and especially an ex, don't leave yourself open to any misinterpretations. You could be dragging this out for much longer, creating more pain and confusion for yourself. 

I think the kindest thing he can do is not respond at all because he might give you the wrong impression even if it's just a chat or to pick up the tshirt. Don't feel bad for reaching out. I think this shows your capacity to care for someone - just make sure that it's for someone worth the while. 

 

Thanks Rose Mosse, I agree and was honestly also thinking that the delay had a lot to say (no response is a response, after all!) Thanks for your time to offer advice 🙂 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

How are you adjusting again overall? No big fixes and everything working okay at the flat? Did you get groceries? Crying and emotions are all part and parcel, feel it if you have to feel it and then let go.

When things are getting too much, I plug into the tried and true/tested mental nourishments like gardening, movies and learning something new. I think the heart of what I am is actually not in me but outside or in nature so if I'm reconnecting with it whether it's making herbal tinctures or gardening in the soil or getting a sick plant to respond to light or water properly again, I am also in turn nourishing my soul. You can find things that feed you too in good ways.

The tshirt can stay wherever you want to put it safely or ship it back to him if you feel ready to do that. I wouldn't reach out to him anymore and good for you for putting all this in perspective. Keep doing you.. rest of it will fall into place like adjusting, learning new things and feeling more like yourself again.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, artsygirl said:

'Hi, hope you're ok 🙂 I have your t-shirt at the flat. Just wondered if you wanted to come and get it and if you fancied a chat?' Upon sending the text, I felt a lot lighter, like a weight had lifted. I had been cooped up in the flat for a couple of days wondering if anything would happen, and I felt like sending the text would help get closure. It's been a day and I've had no response.

 

4 hours ago, Clio said:

the truth is that closure comes from within and not from the other person.  The way he left tells you all you need to know about him to move on

Right... time to work on accepting the facts... that you were only involved short term and closure is on you.

To not expect anything more from him.... Really try HARD to turn this all around in your mind.. He is a Loser... His loss..etc. In order to fight thru this.

Time to work on accepting what is.. and move on.

 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
8 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

How are you adjusting again overall? No big fixes and everything working okay at the flat? Did you get groceries? Crying and emotions are all part and parcel, feel it if you have to feel it and then let go.

When things are getting too much, I plug into the tried and true/tested mental nourishments like gardening, movies and learning something new. I think the heart of what I am is actually not in me but outside or in nature so if I'm reconnecting with it whether it's making herbal tinctures or gardening in the soil or getting a sick plant to respond to light or water properly again, I am also in turn nourishing my soul. You can find things that feed you too in good ways.

The tshirt can stay wherever you want to put it safely or ship it back to him if you feel ready to do that. I wouldn't reach out to him anymore and good for you for putting all this in perspective. Keep doing you.. rest of it will fall into place like adjusting, learning new things and feeling more like yourself again.

I really appreciate your concern here, Rose Mosse, thank you. It has been difficult and it feels very 'empty'. I made some art (it's one of my favourite things to do) to hang on the walls and have bought some new furniture to jazz it up a bit. It's helping 🙂 I've found some new interests I wish to embark on. The advice offered by you and the other users of this forum has been so helpful. I really appreciate your time to check that I'm ok, I needed it 🙂 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
5 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

 

Right... time to work on accepting the facts... that you were only involved short term and closure is on you.

To not expect anything more from him.... Really try HARD to turn this all around in your mind.. He is a Loser... His loss..etc. In order to fight thru this.

Time to work on accepting what is.. and move on.

 

Thanks SooSad33. Yes, time to adjust and heal fully. Thank you for the vote of confidence 🙂 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Try to let go of this idea that it was about distance or about you. He ended things because he wanted to and for his own reasons - nothing to do with distance, you, etc. At 3 months, you had barely started and when people walk away like that, it's about them and just them.

You can call him a jerk for ending things over text, but really....what does that serve and what can he possibly say to you anyway? You are a great person but he is looking for something else whatever that nebulous something else is. He probably couldn't even explain it if he tried and it wouldn't make a difference anyway other than perhaps make you feel worse.

It might have seemed like this will be something lasting, but it just didn't go in that direction and it's OK. They only explanation really is that he is not the guy for you. The right guy is still out there. Getting stuck looking in the rearview mirror is useless and if you do it long enough, you'll run your car off the road and crash. There is a reason why your front view is big and broad and your rearview mirror is tiny - your focus needs to be forward not backward.

Edited by DancingFool
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm going to speculate he hasn't opened the message because he thinks it will be a pleading message asking to reconcile or a message berating him for dumping you over text. OR, he's seeing someone else and has put your relationship with him in the past.

Which is where you should put it. You know he's not worth anymore thought or emotion.

I doubt he desperately needs that t shirt so you can go ahead and donate it to someone who does need it.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes in this case no response is a response.  The response is -no interest.  Silence =lack of interest.  I really like the advice you received here about how to behave with respect to yourself, your interests, your activities, your plans - I agree!!

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I would burn the T-shirt and do tribal dance with my friends around it. For safety reasons and not making a nuisance to others, i might choose an isolated area on the ground. For some more light fun add all those things that reminds you of the ex into it and be done with it....this is freedom!

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...