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How do I move on and be happy again


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I will try to keep this short, I appreciate anyone who reads this and gives advice.  So last year me and my ex gf broke up at the end of August, im 29 live on my own and shes 27 lives with parents 50 minutes away. We were together for 2 years, broke up in the first year for like 2 months due to her saying she stopped missing me, wanted to focus on her career which is her first job as a special needs teacher. We broke up at the exact same time last year as we did in the first year when she had school holidays.. shes one of them who constantly needs to be doing things.  Anyway, the reason we broke up last year is because again she said she stopped missing me, didnt feel the same. We met up and had a good chat, she said she loved me still and we planned to go away for a weekend, the next day she tells me we need to break up as its just not right...  hours later she tells me that shes going to see a doctor for depression/panic attacks/anxiety.. as shes been feeling like that since the start of the pandemic and being off work. She told me she was given anti depressents from a doctor but decided not to take them due to the side effects, before going back to work she went for a self assessment to see if she needed help but they decided she was fine as once she went back to work everything was fine with her. 

Couple weeks later she tells me shes decided to stay single for the near future as she loves me as a friend but nothing more..  weeks went by and shed send the odd message if she saw a status of me or a photo..  so these small messages from her went up until the end of september start of october. I saw her on tinder/bumble so obviously i lost my cool and i shouldent have i know..  then she told me she has no feelings for me anymore and to move on.. (she said these exact same things and went on dating apps the first time we broke up) i could see she deleted my number from whatsapp as the profile photo disappeared  and she confirmed it but said she would keep my number in archived.. i dont know if she has or if she knows it in her head. She has my email anyway and knows where i live. So since like mid November i havent seen her on any dating apps or messaged her, i blocked her off social media and deleted her number even though i know it in my head.  

My issue is every day I still think of her, i miss her, she was the only one ive properly loved and had stuff in common with, our families were amazing together and we were both well loved. She was confident..  i cant help but feel my ways screwed it up and i have learnt from it i guess..  but its now March and not a single word or anything... i know ill never hear from her again but after all the hot and cold, pain and messing me around i still want her back. Ive dated others and got nowhere..  obviously the lockdown hasnt made anything easy. Whats crazy is that ive sometimes even dreamt of her in my sleep lol...  ive spoken to councelling at work who say the same things, get a hobby, focus on yourself.. and im trying!  its hard when gyms are closed right now but ive signed up to a personal training programme which begins next week.  I just cant help but feel she will always be a void in me, and I wish for her to reach out so we can at least meet up and talk. But yeah, I miss her every day, i cant forget and be happy.

 

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It will take a while to be okay again. This on and off has been going on for some time.. and you have not had time to work on accepting this & recovering.

In order to do so, you need no contact.  No following, nothing.

And you need time.  Yes, in time things will settle and the effects will ease and you will again feel you are okay to move on.

But, do not be out there using other women, so you won't feel so alone, etc.

You know you're not over her yet.

Be single for a good while so you can work on getting yourself back together.

As for her, she's admitted she is no longer into you - sorry.  yes, it hurts..but we cannot make someone love us 😞 

Also, her mental health is affected at this time.. she really should be on her own a while as well.

Either way, whatever she is doing now, has nothing to do with you.. Whatever she does is her choice.

You just need to keep away so you are not continously reminded... and yes, to keep busy is best.  Not always stuck in that rut.  Try by writing your thoughts out in journal and if it's laying heavily on you, consider more therapy.. it can help.

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This talk you want to have with her.  How would that help you?  She told you straight out she no longer has feelings for you at all.  That hurts but she did you a favor.  You know everything you need to know to move on.

  The thing is I don't think you want to move on and get over her.  If I had to guess you are stuck waiting for her to come back like she has in the past.  This time is different and you need to see that and accept that she is really gone for good this time.  In reality the relationship just wasn't solid anyways.  It was one sided the whole time.  You tried to prop it up by loving her more and more but her feelings just kept fading.

All the things you are feeling are perfectly normal so don't stress on any of that.  You are already NC so that is good.  How many times a day/week do you check her social media or dating apps looking for her?  If it is anything other than zero you need to stop right now or you will never move on.

Second like Soosad mentioned stop using other women to try and make yourself feel better.  That isn't fair or cool to use others to heal your broken heart.  What did you do before you met her?  How many of those things do you do now?  Get back to the guy you were before you met her.  Many people stop their old lives and loose track of friends when in a relationship.  Is that you?  If so reverse that.

In the end the answer you want is within you.  You were just fine before you met her and you will be just fine once you accept she is not coming back.  Your heart needs to know it is over but if you keep this fantasy going in your mind it will never let go.

 Lost 

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Sorry this happened. Was she on/off with someone local? That may explain her recurrent seasonal break-ups.

On/off is sort of drama and intensity but it is not intimacy or stability.

Perhaps you are not ready for a relationship. This was the ideal quasi relationship. Neither here nor there. Goings nowhere just cycling.

So. Find a local life and satisfaction where you are at now both geographically and emotionally.

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6 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

This talk you want to have with her.  How would that help you?  She told you straight out she no longer has feelings for you at all.  That hurts but she did you a favor.  You know everything you need to know to move on.

  The thing is I don't think you want to move on and get over her.  If I had to guess you are stuck waiting for her to come back like she has in the past.  This time is different and you need to see that and accept that she is really gone for good this time.  In reality the relationship just wasn't solid anyways.  It was one sided the whole time.  You tried to prop it up by loving her more and more but her feelings just kept fading.

All the things you are feeling are perfectly normal so don't stress on any of that.  You are already NC so that is good.  How many times a day/week do you check her social media or dating apps looking for her?  If it is anything other than zero you need to stop right now or you will never move on.

Second like Soosad mentioned stop using other women to try and make yourself feel better.  That isn't fair or cool to use others to heal your broken heart.  What did you do before you met her?  How many of those things do you do now?  Get back to the guy you were before you met her.  Many people stop their old lives and loose track of friends when in a relationship.  Is that you?  If so reverse that.

In the end the answer you want is within you.  You were just fine before you met her and you will be just fine once you accept she is not coming back.  Your heart needs to know it is over but if you keep this fantasy going in your mind it will never let go.

 Lost 

I never check her social media etc as i blocked her, theres been complete silence since November and i havent seen anything. The only things I saw was her pop up on tinder/bumble before the lockdown towards Xmas but then once that happened I havent seen her on there since. Before I met her is anther thing..  6 months prior to meeting her i split up with another girl and had to move back with my parents.. was tough.. i dated a bit then met her and we just clicked.. then i was fine.  I havent had any back and forth with her for a few months now.

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I'm going through an almost identical situation myself at the moment so you are not alone my friend, it seems you've done all the right things and will just take time, I personally have been trying to channel all the pain and heartache into achieving the goals I set myself, also the pandemic will hopefully start to come to an end soon and some sort of normality will return to be able to enjoy the things we took for granted.

I tell myself now however much you feel you love someone and it hurts them not being in your life, it's not right and fair on yourself if they don't feel the same and there will be someone out there eventually who will feel the same, you have to believe in that and one day you will look back and be thankful that happened.

 

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9 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

I'm going through an almost identical situation myself at the moment so you are not alone my friend, it seems you've done all the right things and will just take time, I personally have been trying to channel all the pain and heartache into achieving the goals I set myself, also the pandemic will hopefully start to come to an end soon and some sort of normality will return to be able to enjoy the things we took for granted.

I tell myself now however much you feel you love someone and it hurts them not being in your life, it's not right and fair on yourself if they don't feel the same and there will be someone out there eventually who will feel the same, you have to believe in that and one day you will look back and be thankful that happened.

 

I hope so.. its not like im going on holiday this year though haha   but its how it ended i get so angry at times.. i booked a holiday for us last year and all that money wasted and not even an apology. It was like she didnt care one bit about me anymore and the way she would speak it was like so cocky... like i am nothing. I truly do hope karma gets her because the way she said and did things was shocking...  i held it in myself from saying horrible things or shouting at her..  i know i treated her great compared to how she told me her previous relationships were. So yeah I hope i meet someone better...  being alone isnt great when my friends/parents live an hour away..  dating isnt great.. im not even talking to anyone...  but ive got this personal training programme for 4 weeks starting monday.. lets see how that goes i guess.  Even if she did reach out (which she wont as its been too long now)  i would probly tell her exactly how she made me feel! ive learnt that yes at times i was needy or maybe look like i dont have other things going on besides her.. but at the time we were in the middle of a strict pandemic/lockdown. Anyway, i learnt some things i guess.. 

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If you treated her well its not to say she won't reach out at some point just don't hold onto that hope and keep on with your own goals, i think this pandemic has affected everyone's mental health and the way they feel it's a tough time for everyone, the dating apps in my opinion are just a distraction, the girl I was seeing done that twice and nothing come of it in fact it made her come back to me but although it felt good at the time it's just prolonged the inevitable, I didn't want to accept or believe it but once it happens the first time it's hard to get back to how it was and the doubt will always be there, unfortunately in this day and age relationships just don't last forever so best off loving yourself and be the best you can be, I can you feel your angry at this point and it will come in waves but don't hold on to that feeling because it will prolong the healing or so I've read, by the way I'm no where near that point yet and everyday is a struggle, I just think of all the negative thoughts of her and all the positive things I have done for myself because of the relationship and try to be excited for what the future holds 

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15 hours ago, lp1791 said:

My issue is every day I still think of her, i miss her, she was the only one ive properly loved and had stuff in common with, our families were amazing together and we were both well loved. She was confident..  i cant help but feel my ways screwed it up and i have learnt from it i guess..  but its now March and not a single word or anything... i know ill never hear from her again but after all the hot and cold, pain and messing me around i still want her back. Ive dated others and got nowhere..  obviously the lockdown hasnt made anything easy. Whats crazy is that ive sometimes even dreamt of her in my sleep lol...  ive spoken to councelling at work who say the same things, get a hobby, focus on yourself.. and im trying!  its hard when gyms are closed right now but ive signed up to a personal training programme which begins next week.  I just cant help but feel she will always be a void in me, and I wish for her to reach out so we can at least meet up and talk. But yeah, I miss her every day, i cant forget and be happy.

 

Do you mind explaining the above about your "ways"? The reason I ask is you may have a clue as to why you both were incompatible and you can take that to other dating scenarios when you meet new people. 

I agree about not dating while you're still making sense of things. Otherwise be very clear you're not looking for anything serious and avoid leading anyone on or thinking that you're emotionally available. 

She will always be a "void" in you if that's the kind of space you allow her to take up inside you. Sooner or later you get to redesign the way people have an effect on your life and limit the negative aspects of experiences (take the bad, learn from it and discard the rest). Don't carry it like a chip over your shoulder.. I'd be wary and cautious of the way you let people reside in your heart or your mind. If it doesn't add to the way you grow forwards, dump it. It deserves no place in your life moving forwards. 

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I had a friend (non romantic) that in short I became toxic and obssessed about People on this site even warned me but I did not listen until I almost learned everything. Bottom line I finally worked on changing and left her alone and focused on working on myself (I still am in one way or another because self improvement is never ending) bottoon line this friend who wanted nothing to do with me forgave me which made me happy and wanted to be friends again which I declined because I was of afraid of undoing any improvement. You will be okay Just give yourself time, As for missing her, Whenever I miss someone in my life whether it is the person I described or anyone else I tell myself although I may feel sad I am actually glad to miss them because missing them means I got to know them,

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7 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Do you mind explaining the above about your "ways"? The reason I ask is you may have a clue as to why you both were incompatible and you can take that to other dating scenarios when you meet new people. 

I agree about not dating while you're still making sense of things. Otherwise be very clear you're not looking for anything serious and avoid leading anyone on or thinking that you're emotionally available. 

She will always be a "void" in you if that's the kind of space you allow her to take up inside you. Sooner or later you get to redesign the way people have an effect on your life and limit the negative aspects of experiences (take the bad, learn from it and discard the rest). Don't carry it like a chip over your shoulder.. I'd be wary and cautious of the way you let people reside in your heart or your mind. If it doesn't add to the way you grow forwards, dump it. It deserves no place in your life moving forwards. 

Sometimes i was needy, moody and acted like I didnt have anything to do myself except have her.. but we were in the middle of a pandemic so it was difficult. I've learnt from all that though... its just been so long now and im still thinking of her.. like first happened end of August.. back and forth a bit until October/November and now nothing. 

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There are two issues here: one is that she has some psychological issues and two is that she is not into you 100%. I think you are blaming the psychological issues for wavering her interest in you and you should not.

I recall being quite volatile at that age due to figuring out career, self-imposed expectations, etc. She is all over the place. Also, you are 29 years old and will likely have a few more partners before you find your person. I know it’s hard, but it doesn’t seem like she is going to do a reversal and be totally into you any time soon. 

You sort of want something you cannot have, which sometimes heightens attraction to something and she might be somewhat turned off by your not giving up and moving on.

It’s unfortunate you cannot fast forward your life a year because I think you will find that you will be healed and on to bigger and better things.

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14 minutes ago, sadchick83 said:

There are two issues here: one is that she has some psychological issues and two is that she is not into you 100%. I think you are blaming the psychological issues for wavering her interest in you and you should not.

I recall being quite volatile at that age due to figuring out career, self-imposed expectations, etc. She is all over the place. Also, you are 29 years old and will likely have a few more partners before you find your person. I know it’s hard, but it doesn’t seem like she is going to do a reversal and be totally into you any time soon. 

You sort of want something you cannot have, which sometimes heightens attraction to something and she might be somewhat turned off by your not giving up and moving on.

It’s unfortunate you cannot fast forward your life a year because I think you will find that you will be healed and on to bigger and better things.

Who knows.. I havent reached out to her in a long time and I wont either...  i worry sometimes as most my friends are settled down and im alone. I guess last year I was thinking she may repeat what happened before and come back after she missed me.. but I know she wont as its been too long now.. i know the lockdown has happened and stuff but...  its obvious now. I hope i will meet someone better and look back at it and thank god i dodged a bullet.

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45 minutes ago, lp1791 said:

Who knows.. I havent reached out to her in a long time and I wont either...  i worry sometimes as most my friends are settled down and im alone. I guess last year I was thinking she may repeat what happened before and come back after she missed me.. but I know she wont as its been too long now.. i know the lockdown has happened and stuff but...  its obvious now. I hope i will meet someone better and look back at it and thank god i dodged a bullet.

Being a decade or two older than you I can tell you don’t rush into marriage.  So many of my 40 year old friends are divorced or getting divorced and or cheating.  Don’t feel pressure to be in a LTR due to your friends’ statuses. Much better to meet someone in your early or late 30s as you will continue to grow and will find a better match.  

 

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16 hours ago, lp1791 said:

I never check her social media etc as i blocked her, theres been complete silence since November and i havent seen anything. The only things I saw was her pop up on tinder/bumble before the lockdown towards Xmas but then once that happened I havent seen her on there since. Before I met her is anther thing..  6 months prior to meeting her i split up with another girl and had to move back with my parents.. was tough.. i dated a bit then met her and we just clicked.. then i was fine.  I havent had any back and forth with her for a few months now.

You are well on your way then.  Acceptance is hard when you had such high hopes and dreams of a life with her.  Logically you can know it is over but emotionally (your heart) is stubborn and doesn't give up so easily.

Is there a part of you that is still waiting for her to come back like before?

Lost

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6 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

You are well on your way then.  Acceptance is hard when you had such high hopes and dreams of a life with her.  Logically you can know it is over but emotionally (your heart) is stubborn and doesn't give up so easily.

Is there a part of you that is still waiting for her to come back like before?

Lost

Im not sure if waiting is the right word because I will date other people and see how I get on... but theres a part of me that would like her to come back like before. Im stupid for thinking that after the crap she put me through.. but yeah there is a part where I want her to reach out, but I know its 99% unlikely. 

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