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Struggling with anger and hurt at reformed womanising friend


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1 minute ago, bluecastle said:

 

I'm not saying this, mind you, to encourage you to think more warmly of him, but for yourself. Past these labels, what's true here? He is a human being who no longer serves your own humanity. Didn't work. Frame it like that, and the edge softens, the machete becomes a butter knife—and, with that, the wound can heal a lot more easily. 

Or so I've found, here and there. 

I agree!

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43 minutes ago, elsewhereagain said:

I just want some people to tell me to keep going and that I can get there. And to give me any encouragement or tips - HOW to do it, for when things go off course. Therapy, of course, is a key thing and I look forward to when I can go back to it. 

Bluecastle summed it up very well. It didn't work. It doesn't work. It will never work has even helped me simplify and move forwards after letting go of someone. The reason why that phrase or sentence is so powerful is that it releases you from all the mindbending and the agony going over how things could have been or the non-stop thoughts and break out of that thought pattern. 

The only way through this is with time and keep telling yourself there's a lot more life for you out there than what this person was to you and all the things he wasn't. And one day you won't even have to try anymore to break out of that pattern or cycle of thought. Good for you for recognizing you want more out of life!

 

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2 minutes ago, bluecastle said:
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I see—best one can "see" on a pixilated forum—a strong attitude in you, and perhaps your most authentic attitude, going to battle with something else. 

 

Sorry might just be me not following the sentence structure but I am not sure what this means? Am interested though!

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What I mean is that I think your most authentic self here is a self that sees this for what it is: a chapter, now over, that needs to be fully released (rather than analyzed and judged) I or order for the next chapter to start.

But there is another you that is still wanting to validate a narrative of fairness, justice, retribution, consequences. An understandable, and very human, response to pain. Just don’t think it’s one that allows for your full self to shine and find the peace and freedom you crave.

The more you lean into the former and away from the latter, at least from my vantage point, the more you’ll get what you’re really seeking, since it will be more about inhabiting yourself. 

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4 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

What I mean is that I think your most authentic self here is a self that sees this for what it is: a chapter, now over, that needs to be fully released (rather than analyzed and judged) I or order for the next chapter to start.

But there is another you that is still wanting to validate a narrative of fairness, justice, retribution, consequences. An understandable, and very human, response to pain. Just don’t think it’s one that allows for your full self to shine and find the peace and freedom you crave.

The more you lean into the former and away from the latter, at least from my vantage point, the more you’ll get what you’re really seeking, since it will be more about inhabiting yourself. 

Basically good things happen to bad people sometimes. Life isn't fair sometimes.  You have the choice to react to your feelings by dwelling on those cliches or you can make a different choice, accept that life is like that sometimes, and find ways to move on including distractions like drinking more water when you're feeling stressed and/or really brisk exercise including dancing like no one is watching.

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31 minutes ago, bluecastle said:
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What I mean is that I think your most authentic self here is a self that sees this for what it is: a chapter, now over, that needs to be fully released (rather than analyzed and judged) I or order for the next chapter to start.

But there is another you that is still wanting to validate a narrative of fairness, justice, retribution, consequences. An understandable, and very human, response to pain. Just don’t think it’s one that allows for your full self to shine and find the peace and freedom you crave.

The more you lean into the former and away from the latter, at least from my vantage point, the more you’ll get what you’re really seeking, since it will be more about inhabiting yourself. 

 

 

Oh I see, yes that makes sense and I agree. That's certainly my philosophy and what I'm aiming/seeking to do. 

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10 hours ago, elsewhereagain said:

I don't see myself as a victim. I don't think that I am not responsible, or to 'blame' for ending up here.  I see myself as someone trying to rebuild myself from a loss that has changed my life, my view of the world, my memories, and my view of myself.  Sometimes, in terms of the emotions associated with this, I go back a few steps. 

I just want some people to tell me to keep going and that I can get there. And to give me any encouragement or tips - HOW to do it, for when things go off course. Therapy, of course, is a key thing and I look forward to when I can go back to it. 

I agree that the term 'victim' is pretty triggering in this place, but it misses the point. 

It's not about the label, it's about the ultimate power of your private self-talk, which is the most important thing to address.

Lots of people believe that positive self-talk must be affirmations of rainbows and sunshine. Not true. The voice we run in our own heads has a default posture, which can set us up to sound 'like' a victim regardless of whether we use that term.

A coach on my job taught that it takes 21 days to change a habit--that's how long he claims it takes to repattern the brain to create a new default. He suggested keeping a list of habits we want to change, but to only work on ONE habit at a time. I chose to change my internal voice.

I was correct in viewing that critical default voice as my foundational habit that underlies every other perception and behavior that's based upon it. If I could change THAT, every other change to follow would at least be struggling less to work in my own favor instead of against myself.

I opted to start speaking to myself as my own positive, inspiring coach rather than my own judgmental and blaming judge and jury--or worse, my inner saboteur that compared my progress or processes or outcomes against those who I imagined as far better off than me. 

That's why I encourage you to make this foundational choice in the voice you choose to use, because the assertions you keep going back to only work AGAINST what you say that you want to accomplish.

This doesn't mean that you must ignore the part of yourself that's sad or angry. It does, however, mean catching the self talk that you've previously accepted and reinforced, and kindly correcting that language with the part of you most readily connected to your highest intelligence. This will not only work in your favor, it gets easier and easier over time.

Find a focus every day. When you wake up, decide what kind of day you intend to have, and shoot for it. Help at least one person over the course of your day, and you'll notice how well this can move your most stubborn self focus out of your own way. You'll start to observe yourself through generous vision, and you will enjoy the rewards of building yourself UP rather than assigning yourself degrees of difficulty that do not need to be so.

Head high, and write more if it helps. Keeping you in my thoughts.

Edited by catfeeder
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11 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I agree that the term 'victim' is pretty triggering in this place, but it misses the point. 

It's not about the label, it's about the ultimate power of your private self-talk, which is the most important thing to address.

Lots of people believe that positive self-talk must be affirmations of rainbows and sunshine. Not true. The voice we run in our own heads has a default posture, which can set us up to sound 'like' a victim regardless of whether we use that term.

A coach on my job taught that it takes 21 days to change a habit--that's how long he claims it takes to repattern the brain to create a new default. He suggested keeping a list of habits we want to change, but to only work on ONE habit at a time. I chose to change my internal voice.

I was correct in viewing that critical default voice as my foundational habit that underlies every other perception and behavior that's based upon it. If I could change THAT, every other change to follow would at least be struggling less to work in my own favor instead of against myself.

I opted to start speaking to myself as my own positive, inspiring coach rather than my own judgmental and blaming judge and jury--or worse, my inner saboteur that compared my progress or processes or outcomes against those who I imagined as far better off than me. 

That's why I encourage you to make this foundational choice in the voice you choose to use, because the assertions you keep going back to only work AGAINST what you say that you want to accomplish.

This doesn't mean that you must ignore the part of yourself that's sad or angry. It does, however, mean catching the self talk that you've previously accepted and reinforced, and kindly correcting that language with the part of you most readily connected to your highest intelligence. This will not only work in your favor, it gets easier and easier over time.

Find a focus every day. When you wake up, decide what kind of day you intend to have, and shoot for it. Help at least one person over the course of your day, and you'll notice how well this can move your most stubborn self focus out of your own way. You'll start to observe yourself through generous vision, and you will enjoy the rewards of building yourself UP rather than assigning yourself degrees of difficulty that do not need to be so.

Head high, and write more if it helps. Keeping you in my thoughts.

This is a very clear and relatable way of putting it. Thank you! 

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On 3/8/2021 at 3:50 PM, bluecastle said:

You're on the path you need to be on, so keep walking it. There's another side to this, as there's another side to everything. You're getting there. 

Reading your posts, I'm curious to hear you articulate what is being served by assigning certain labels to him—namely, womanizer and reformed. Per some of the above, that feels a bit like gnawing on the bone, or potentially fueling the very narrative you're trying to distortable from. Just speaking from the outside, I can't help but think that framing him like that invariably gives him more power than he really has/had.

This is just me, but when it comes to relationships that go sideways, be they romantic or platonic or in some murky purgatory between the two? I try to settle on a pretty simple story, or at least a simple framing of all the craggy complexity, which is that it did not work.

Sometimes, during emotionally acute stretches, I have to repeat this to myself to drown out the other places my mind is tempted to go. But I find it helps to remove, or at least mute, the instinct to think in binary terms and to blame—blaming myself, blaming another, and instead just accepting the sour fact that something I thought worked, or once worked, or I really wanted to work, did not work.

Not sure if that helps at all, but I'll share it in the hopes that it does. 

 

 

I just wanted to say that this advice has really been helping me over the last couple of days. What I've taken from it is the visual of a frame - actually visualising that frame and placing it over any errant thoughts, and the emotions that threaten to stir behind them. It's really helping. Thank you! 

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8 minutes ago, elsewhereagain said:

I just wanted to say that this advice has really been helping me over the last couple of days. What I've taken from it is the visual of a frame - actually visualising that frame and placing it over any errant thoughts, and the emotions that threaten to stir behind them. It's really helping. Thank you! 

You're welcome! Sounds like a productive way of rewriting your own code, so to speak. 

My general outlook on humans is pretty simple. I believe, minus some seriously offensive cases, that what we get from a person—at any time, on any day, over a stretch of time—is the absolute best they have to give us. Sometimes—often—someone's best will fall so far short of what we need that it just hurts. And when that becomes the norm? It's about accepting that someone's best is not good for us, and doing what we can for our own health. 

I like thinking this way because (a) I generally think people are pretty awesome and (b) it puts an emphasis on my own agency rather than the influence of others. Never a perfect science, but a solid enough North Star to search out in lost and jagged moments. 

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