FWB with Ex

[xmermaidaa]

Around 6 years ago, my ex and I were in a committed relationship. We were young 15-17 and we were in a fairytale. It started off amazing but after the first year he was very controlling. He would control what I wore, where I went and everything else.

 

I cheated on him and I regretted it so much. I broke my own heart. He broke up with me but didn’t address the cheating. I went about my life without him and had another relationship and heartbreak, healed my childhood trauma and my life changed completely. 2 years ago, his friend wanted to take me on a date. I went, with a friendly intention and this was made clear to him too. I ended up finding out my ex just broke up with his girlfriend at the time. When I went home, I messaged him and I saw him that night. I slept with him and it felt like old times. 
 

A few months pass and I end up catching feelings. I told him that I loved him and he said he wasn’t capable of love. I decided to stick around. A few more months pass and I tell him that he needs to decide whether he wants to commit to me or not as I don’t want to invest into nothing. He said no again but said he cared about me and didn’t know what could happen in the future. I cut him off for a few months and he came back saying he missed me. I am yet again in the same situation where we sleep with eachother and act as if we are in a relationship, but he doesn’t commit. 

I really love him and I don’t want to cut him off as he means a lot to me and makes me happy. But I also don’t want to waste my time in something I don’t know can heal.

Please help!! 

[Rose Mosse]

You were able to do all that work healing from childhood trauma and change your life and now you've allowed this guy back in. One step forwards.. two steps back. I think you know what you have to do. He needs to go and the sleeping with each other has to stop. He's too messed up to support a relationship so look elsewhere if that's what you want ultimately for the long term. 

There are emotional ties but you have to set boundaries with yourself and lines that you just don't cross for your own mental health. Caring about you is nonsense. He knows what you want but he takes what he can get anyway. How crooked is this? Don't play it cool and go along with whatever he wants. He may be sleeping with other people also if he's not interested in being just with you or in a relationship so watch out for STDs.

[bluecastle]

Sorry about all this. 

I think, reading your post, that you've answered your own question. If what you want is to be in a committed relationship, and if you define casual romance with someone who isn't not interested in that as a waste of time, then what you are doing with this man is a waste of your time. 

I can't help but get the feeling that part of the reason you may be putting up with this is because, many lives ago, you cheated on him and, for all your growth and work, you may, when it comes to him, feel underserving of the full spectrum. 

Could it be, do you think, that some part of you believes that making this work, or happen, would be some kind of further healing? Could it be that, if you look a little closer, more healing would come from letting this chapter go so you can find what you really want? 

 

 

[xmermaidaa]

8 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

You were able to do all that work healing from childhood trauma and change your life and now you've allowed this guy back in. One step forwards.. two steps back. I think you know what you have to do. He needs to go and the sleeping with each other has to stop. He's too messed up to support a relationship so look elsewhere if that's what you want ultimately for the long term. 

There are emotional ties but you have to set boundaries with yourself and lines that you just don't cross for your own mental health. Caring about you is nonsense. He knows what you want but he takes what he can get anyway. How crooked is this? Don't play it cool and go along with whatever he wants. He may be sleeping with other people also if he's not interested in being just with you or in a relationship so watch out for STDs.

Thank you so much for your honesty. 
 

I think the reason I went back initially was part of my childhood trauma work. I’m only 22 so it took a lot of time (almost 2 years) and I was also abused as a child which meant even more therapy. When I went back I felt like I wanted him to forgive me so I could further heal. I hope that makes sense? 
 

He often talks about how we are exclusive and he only sees me and speaks to me. I believe him as he seems so infatuated with me otherwise. This is why it feels like I can’t let it go... do I cut him off for good?

[xmermaidaa]

8 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Sorry about all this. 

I think, reading your post, that you've answered your own question. If what you want is to be in a committed relationship, and if you define casual romance with someone who isn't not interested in that as a waste of time, then what you are doing with this man is a waste of your time. 

I can't help but get the feeling that part of the reason you may be putting up with this is because, many lives ago, you cheated on him and, for all your growth and work, you may, when it comes to him, feel underserving of the full spectrum. 

Could it be, do you think, that some part of you believes that making this work, or happen, would be some kind of further healing? Could it be that, if you look a little closer, more healing would come from letting this chapter go so you can find what you really want? 

 

 

Thank you for your opinion as I have thought about this before. At times I feel as though I need to heal him because I hurt him. I also feel like I’ve played the mother role In his life (I find I resonate with her a lot) by being there whenever he needs me. I feel like a best friend but when we become intimate I feel like it’s more. I hope this makes sense 

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately this may just be temporary comfort for you.

It's after a breakup and he may be familiar and safe like comfortable old slippers.

You don't seem ready for a fulfilling relationship at this time, so someone both comfortable and unavailable keeps you safe from a relationship.

Dating is not therapy. It's not to heal him or you.

Once you get out of this fog and uncomfortable comfort zone, you'll be able to grow,heal and move forward.

But for now staying stuck ironically feels safer.

Every time you ask him for love, commitment and a relationship and he says "no", you get to continue with your current Identity of a tragic victim.

When you're done with that, you'll have the courage to move on. 

The peril of this situation is that it's like quicksand. The longer you stay the harder it will be to extricate yourself.

[indea08]

If I’m thinking of the time line correctly, you’re somewhere around the age of 23, right? Because of that, I strongly urge you to consider not focusing on serious commitment. I’ll be honest, I felt the same way you do when I was 23. I wanted to find the guy I’d marry and start living “our life”, I even wanted babies. Looking back, I was younger than I felt I was, and I completely skipped a whole phase of my life. I never got to be a single adult, live on my own, travel with friends, casually date. I wasn’t interested in that stuff at the time because I was so focused on relationships. But here’s why timing is so important. Once you do find the right guy, all those things that you’ve wanted start to happen, and it’s so exciting and wonderful, and you’re living your life as partners. There’s no going backward after that. You can’t one day decide that you want to get your own place to see what it’s like to live on your own for a bit. You can’t tell your partner that you want to go on casual dates to see what it’s like. You get into your routine and get comfortable, see friends less, spend more time being a wife or mom, and I mean that in a happy, secure type of way, not a bad way. 
 

My point is, spend this phase of your life experiencing everything you want. You’ll never be as young as you are right now. Learn a craft, try a new restaurant each week, stay up way too late with your friends, drive a few hours to spend some time somewhere new. You will open so many doors just by having new experiences and meeting new people, you never know where it could lead you.

As far as this guy, if you decide you agree with what I’ve said so far (I know that’s a long shot, I wouldn’t have either, and I’m speaking from my own feelings now), then I think it’d be okay to enjoy the good that you get from him. He may have been controlling when you were teenagers, but he may have grown out of that. Don’t get so sucked in though, that he’s able to control things now. Pay attention for those red flags and know when to walk away. If I didn’t convince you to focus on yourself and you still feel adamant about having commitment and being in a relationship, then I think walking away from him now is probably best. I say that because you’re already feeling hurt with his lack of commitment, so letting that hurt continue for months will spoil anything good there ever was between you. 
 

Only you know what is best for you, and what will make you happy. That’s the whole point of this thing called “life”, it’s just to be happy. There’s a balance between short term happy and long term happy, and the line between is different for everyone. Some people live for the short term, and don’t experience the long term. Some people can’t see the short term right in front of them because they’re so focused on the long term. You’ve got to find your own line, and try to live life in a way that gives you enough short term happy to be excited about life, and will set you up for a life that will keep you happy in the long run.

[Rose Mosse]

22 hours ago, xmermaidaa said:

Thank you so much for your honesty. 
 

I think the reason I went back initially was part of my childhood trauma work. I’m only 22 so it took a lot of time (almost 2 years) and I was also abused as a child which meant even more therapy. When I went back I felt like I wanted him to forgive me so I could further heal. I hope that makes sense? 
 

He often talks about how we are exclusive and he only sees me and speaks to me. I believe him as he seems so infatuated with me otherwise. This is why it feels like I can’t let it go... do I cut him off for good?

There's only one question you need to ask yourself and it'll answer all the other questions like "do I cut him off for good". That one is "Does this person add to my growth and are we growing together in ways that feel good, positive, honest?" If the answer is No, he has to Go. 

From what you've said you're looking to make peace with the past. I think it's part of letting go. I don't think there's a future with this person and it's hazy and full of excuses, neither heres nor theres, beating around the bush, no commitment, humming and hawing and at the end of each day, do you feel happy, fulfilled, all in tune and aligned with the bigger picture of what your life is about? Again.. if the answer is No, he has to Go. 

Once you're done making peace and saying your goodbyes, you'll be ready to move on. If you stay with him, he'll just keep dragging you down.