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Hey everyone,

This happened some time ago, but I think it still haunts me in a way. I never really told anyone about it but maybe it’s time to finally to do it.

This was my boyfriend for several months and it wasn’t a good relationship because I found out he had been cheating on me, long story short he was a player.

The part that still haunts me is that once we were having sex and I told him to stop because it hurt me, and he didn’t stop. When I told him afterwards that I didn’t want it, he got mad at me and said he never had a girl who wouldn’t want to have sex.

I was so lonely and insecure back then that I thought it was all my fault.

I’m not sure if this is considered rape or not, I felt both sad and very confused afterwards. I always had  a hard time letting someone in, and after this experience, it’s become even worse. I usually have to drink a glass of wine before sex because I’m afraid it will hurt again, I just can’t forget the pain and how I felt in that moment. Please note I’m not drunk when I’m having sex, I know what I’m doing, I just need some wine to relax. I know it’s far from ideal, but I think I’m still traumatized.

I don’t know what kind of advice I expect, I just wanted to share this with you guys, maybe someone can help me, thank you.

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I'm so sorry this happened to you. 

Have you considered talking to a therapist or getting a referral from your doctor or calling a hotline?

It might be helpful to talk to someone who is understanding and trained to talk in a helpful way. 

 

 

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Don't think for a second that this was any of your fault. Unfortunately these guys exist and they need to be called out. This was clearly rape, there's no doubt.

It's never too late to report it even if it happened years ago, but I understand it's not easy if there's any confrontation... A therapist might be a good idea.

Good luck, I hope you figure out and go for the nice guy next time 🙂

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16 hours ago, kim42 said:

I’m not sure if this is considered rape or not, I felt both sad and very confused afterwards.

I think it is, but I also think that you will have a very difficult time proving it in court. It's one of those things that guys get a pass on. 

I understand your sadness and confusion. It will linger for a long time. It will help you to be a support for other women who have had similar experiences, even just a kind word on a message board like this.

I'm really sorry that this happened to you. It's not your fault.

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No means no and he clearly violated you. I agree with the other's in that you should seek the support of a therapist or others in similar situations. It does not matter if you were his girlfriend or wife, you were not his object to use for his own gratification and it has left you traumatized. I, too, don't think there is any legal recourse that you can take at this point, but getting the mutual support of others that have had the same experience will give you the voice that was disregarded as you tried to protect yourself. I am so sorry this happened to you and it makes me sick anyone would do this to another human being. You did nothing wrong and he did. I hope you take to someone about this that specializes in this or has been through it. It may help you to heal and deal with the trauma you have felt as a result of this happening to you. He should not have that power of you or your future affections as you deserve better than this. You deserve to heal and live a good and healthy sex life without the feelings you have because of this despicable human being. I am so sorry this happened to you. 

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I'm so sorry, Kim. It was wrong what he did, totally wrong from the words to the actions. 

You absolutely deserve to find someone and be with someone who cares about you not just in the way he talks to you but in the way he also shows it in all his actions.

I have called a hotline in extreme crisis and while they cannot give advice, they can listen to you for a short period of time (usually 10-15 minutes) and help you through that moment. It works for panic attacks especially if you have no one to talk to in the dead of night or the details are so bad you can't tell anyone close to you. Therapy would be best if you are looking for ongoing support or to make sense of what happened back then. Sending you lots of love.  

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  • 3 weeks later...

Thanks everyone, I needed some time to reply, it was really hard to write this thread, I guess I still feel a little guilty that it happened. Good news is that I've been searching for a therapist.

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