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What should I do? Should I leave her?


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I'm a 28 yo male. There is a girl I've been chasing for years. We made out once 2 years ago, but nothing else happened. She kept ignoring me for years, but it looks like now she's interested! She hit me up a few weeks ago and we had some really long conversations about life and relationships etc. but sometimes she ignores my messages for days... The reason for that is that we are both in relationships, but when we talks she's really interested, open and communicative.

She still has a boyfriend so she is not too comfortable talking to me too much or even meeting me because of the guy, but she often complains about him, took down their pics from instagram and told me it's not going to be long before they break up. She also wants to spend some time alone after the breakup, so I'm not really sure how to approach her. (Also not sure what keeps them still together.)

I also have a girlfriend who I love, but it's not going well either. She is considerably older than me and we have different goals, so we knew at the beginning that it's not going to last. Maybe it's time to break up, but I don't want to end up alone either. I was alone most of my life so I don't want to go back there for now and I really want this girl!

Should I leave my gf and chase the girl that I'm still into or should I wait for a while until something changes in her life (or mine) and make a move? Should I keep in touch with the girl or it's better to give her space and let her message me when she's ready?Thanks for all the helpful advices,

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14 minutes ago, tamply2 said:

I also have a girlfriend who I love, but it's not going well either. She is considerably older than me and we have different goals, so we knew at the beginning that it's not going to last.

How long have you been dating? Do you live together? Is your GF on board with "we" knew it wouldn't last?

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Posted (edited)
6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? Do you live together? Is your GF on board with "we" knew it wouldn't last?

Almost 2 years and we've been living together for one. We both know it's not going to last, that includes her, so yes. As I said she's much older than me, so that is the main issue in our relatioship.

Edited by tamply2
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She's ignoring you, not because she has a BF, she's letting you know she only seeks attention/friendship. It's kinda like drawing a line in the sand..a boundary. Just because a girl talks to you doesn't always mean romantic interest. I think she was just using you as emotional filler because she's not getting it from her BF. You are just an ego boost for her. My take on it is that she's not leaving him anytime soon because she doesn't want to. You on the other hand...Let's cut to the chase here...you just want an upgrade. What you do is up to you, but when handling a situation like this, it's like playing Russian Roulette. Odds are, this girl is either gonna stay with her BF or breakup, regret it and go back to him. People seem to say it's really bad, but it's not....I suspect it's a lie.

Edited by smackie9
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Posted (edited)
11 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

She's ignoring you, not because she has a BF, she's letting you know she only seeks attention/friendship. It's kinda like drawing a line in the sand..a boundary. Just because a girl talks to you doesn't always mean romantic interest. I think she was just using you as emotional filler because she's not getting it from her BF. You are just an ego boost for her. My take on it is that she's not leaving him anytime soon because she doesn't want to. You on the other hand...Let's cut to the chase here...you just want an upgrade. What you do is up to you, but when handling a situation like this, it's like playing Russian Roulette. Odds are, this girl is either stay with her BF or breakup, regret it and go back to him. People seem to say it's really bad, but it's not....I suspect it's a lie.

This is exactly what I thought in the first week, but we talked much more since then and she seemed more interested and open and even asked me about my life and relationship, playfully considered what it would be like together etc. Besides, there must be a reason why she removed their pictures from instagram.

Despite all this, it's possible that you're right. 

What's the solution? Should I ask questions about why they are still together?

Edited by tamply2
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1 hour ago, tamply2 said:

. . . I don't want to end up alone either. I was alone most of my life so I don't want to go back there for now and I really want this girl!

 

Evaluate your current relationship based on its merits (or lack of) and not what you hope to gain with someone else.

This potential new relationship sounds shaky at best.  In the likelihood that it doesn't work out, will you regret leaving the GF you live with now?

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1 hour ago, tamply2 said:

 The reason for that is that we are both in relationships, 

She still has a boyfriend so she is not too comfortable talking to me too much or even meeting me 

I also have a girlfriend who I love, but it's not going well either. 

Should I leave my gf and chase the girl.

You should leave your girlfriend .... because she does not deserve being in a relationship where her boyfriend (you) is chasing after another taken woman and in the same breath claims that he "loves" her.  Do her a big favour and end it.

Then take a good long break and stay single to get yourself sorted out.  Monkey branching from one relationship to another will always backfire on you - even more so when you start messing with people who are already in a relationship.  You have no place there. 

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2 hours ago, tamply2 said:

I also have a girlfriend who I love, but it's not going well either. She is considerably older than me and we have different goals, so we knew at the beginning that it's not going to last. Maybe it's time to break up, but I don't want to end up alone either. I was alone most of my life so I don't want to go back there for now and I really want this girl!

You not wanting to be alone, is no good.

You do not get involved because of that.. see what happens?

You need to learn how to be okay, being single..running one relationship to another doesn't work.

2 hours ago, tamply2 said:

Should I leave my gf and chase the girl that I'm still into or should I wait for a while until something changes in her life (or mine) and make a move? Should I keep in touch with the girl or it's better to give her space and let her message me when she's ready?

I don't fancy the fact that you are both presently involved... and all of the 'what if's.

Fact: She is not available and neither are you.

As other's have mentioned, what she wants and is doing , is not with or about YOU.

Respect her and back off with any expectations.

If you are not happy then get out of yours, but don't expect anything from her.

 

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Is this really worth the headache?

You're jumping from one bad situation to another - from a relationship that wasn't great to start with because she's older than you to one where the woman is taken? Why? Stay single for a good long while until you can feel more calm and confident about the people you're dating. Right now you're just avoiding being alone and that's not a very good reason to be with someone new. 

Since you're living with your gf now you're skipping a lot of steps in the break up, separation process, severing ties. Are you hoping that having someone new will make all of this hurt less? I ask out of curiosity to understand your thought process or where you're coming from. You could be trying to avoid the unavoidable and finding yourself in worse heartache down the line. 

 

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Posted (edited)

I feel like there's a lot of hostility and judgement here, and that's not exactly what I came here for.

Also, I think some of you had misunderstood some of the things I wrote so let me clear some things up, maybe you'll see the situation through my eyes:

I'm 28 years old and I never had a relationship before I was 25, so I know perfectly well what it's like to be alone. There were times when I was happy alone and there were times when I was sad and miserable but I could accept and embrace those times, but one thing I know for sure: right now I don't want to be alone for a while. I'll accept it if that's how it turns out, but It's just not what I need at this point of my life. It doesn't mean I want to get into a relationship with any idiot that will take me. I know what I want. I fell in love with this girl even before I knew my current girlfriend, so that's why I'm chasing her, but I'm not in love sith her anymore, I'm just considering the possibilities with her but I understand I can't do anything about it now, will have to wait until she breaks up with him. As for my girlfriend, it might be time to break up with her soon, regardless of how things work out with the other girl. Don't think for a second that the guilt is not bothering me for being with her and thinking about the other girl, but who can cast the first stone eh? 🙂

Anyway thanks for the advices so far, it really helps to see the situation from other perspectives. 

Edited by tamply2
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15 minutes ago, tamply2 said:

I feel like there's a lot of hostility and judgement here, and that's not exactly what I came here for.

Also, I think some of you had misunderstood some of the things I wrote so let me clear some things up, maybe you'll see the situation through my eyes:

I'm 28 years old and I never had a relationship before I was 25, so I know perfectly well what it's like to be alone. There were times when I was happy alone and there were times when I was sad and miserable but I could accept and embrace those times,

Maybe it's time to break up, but I don't want to end up alone either. I was alone most of my life so I don't want to go back there for now and I really want this girl!

You are both warming up your new prospects before you wrap up the ones you have    You defend you aren't afraid of being alone at the same time you tell us you are.

I don't know what her agenda is, but appears you are letting fear run the show here.  If you weren't, you'd be able to make a decision as whether your current relationship is meeting you needs without the temptation clouding your decision.

It's almost always abad gamble to monkey branch from one to another.  Spend some time alone and make a choice that isn't based on fear.  You'll ultimately make a better choice.

Besides, how would you feel if your lady was currently warming up your replacement?

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Two mentally together people with good ethics have a far better chance at relationship happiness than people who cross relationship boundaries by flirting and investing emotional energy into someone who isn't their committed partner.

You can never go wrong with treating someone how you'd like to be treated. If you wouldn't want your gf doing what you're doing with your crush, why are you doing it?

Your gf deserves to be let go so she can find someone who is crazy about her. You don't treat people as place holders to be tossed when a challenge you chased for years suddenly welcomes your attention. And being selfish because you don't want to alone is a horrible excuse. The crush is no prize. She'll do the same to you when you start to argue or things are crumbling. She''ll be seeking another man's attention behind your back.

You have a lot to learn about life. Look at your unhappiness and settling so far. Time to make some major changes on how you come about your relationship decisions. As others have said, learn how to be happy solo and then you'll be ready to share your happiness versus having a partner be the sole center of your universe. Do you have guy friends and hobbies/interests? When you're a well rounded person, you usually attract other well-rounded people who know how to be a good partner.

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2 hours ago, tamply2 said:

I feel like there's a lot of hostility and judgement here, and that's not exactly what I came here for.

Did you expect people to encourage you to cheat on your girlfriend?  Did you hope people would encourage you to mess around in someone else's relationship? 😕 Serious question.

Okay, to be fair, let's answer your specific questions:

1) Should I leave my gf and chase the girl that I'm still into: -  YES, end things with your girlfriend for reasons I stated in another post above.  NO, you don't chase the other girl because she's already in a relationship.  She has a boyfriend.  You have no business there.

2) or should I wait for a while until something changes in her life (or mine) and make a move? -  Until she is single, you back off and stay off. 

3) Should I keep in touch with the girl or it's better to give her space and let her message me when she's ready? - As long as she has a boyfriend then you don't stay in touch.  As stated above, back off and stay off. 

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I think you're being a bit naive here regarding the girl you like. Maybe that's because you haven't been in many relationships. Just from everything you've written, I don't think that girl is actually interested in you unfortunately. You said you've been chasing her for a long time and you only kissed once and that was it. So that shows that she's not really interested in you. You were chasing her for a long time so she knew you were really into her, but she didn't want to date you. I actually think that the fact that this girl is flirting with you while she had a boyfriend she's losing interest in is not a good sign. I think it points to the fact she's bored with her boyfriend and she needs some excuse to end it with him. And talking to you is providing her with a distraction from her boyfriend and she's enjoying your attention. I really think you should just forget this girl because she's just messing you around all these years. She doesn't really want to be with you but she thinks it's fun to play games with you. She doesn't care or respect that you're in a relationship either. 

In terms of your girlfriend, you're not into her so why drag it out. Just because you broke up with one woman, why does it mean you'll just be alone? You can do online dating or meet women through other means and get a new girlfriend. Your girlfriend and your crush are not the only women in the world. Plenty more fish in the sea!

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You are confusing being alone with being single.  I am single but I am far from alone.  No I am not dating anyone and not really looking right now but I am not lonely.

It is possible and we see it here often where someone is in a relationship and still feel alone.  You know the kind of relationship where you say you love someone but all your actions show that you really don't love them, you just don't want to be single so you stick around for all the wrong reasons.

  Break up with your gf because there is no future for the relationship, not because something better MIGHT be available.  Why would this girl you have been chasing or any girl want a guy that would treat his gf like a place holder?  It makes you look like an insensitive jerk, not very attractive right?

On to this girl of your dreams.  She has and is jerking you around because she is bored, unhappy at the moment and/or likes the attention.  She has no intention of getting with you for a proper relationship.  You are being used plain and simple.  She knows you are into her big time and would leave your gf in a second for her and she likes it.  Doesn't mean she wants you but she does want the attention.

Start the process of breaking up with your current gf then spend some time single improving your life so you will not be alone no matter your relationship status then start dating again.  If this dream girl happens to be single then ask her out but don't get your hopes up...

  Lost

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Have you considered that she only seems so amazing because she's unavailable to you and because your current living arrangements is just coasting along out of convenience?

That may be the dilemma. And the attraction at the same time. She has a BF,so you're "safe" from a relationship. Your living situation has an expiration date so that's safe also.

Most likely you won't end up with either of them.

Right now it's that shared fantasy of ideal unobtainable love and escaping both of your unhappy situations and riding off into the distance together away from your current unsatisfactory partners.

From this distance it all looks so amazing and enticing in comparison to the everyday humdrum existence.

While not exactly an affair or cheating, this is the usual "when we're both free, we'll run away together and live happily ever after" type of sentiment.

 

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8 hours ago, tamply2 said:

I feel like there's a lot of hostility and judgement here, and that's not exactly what I came here for.

That's what happens when you are being shady. 

The judgement is warranted, dude. What you are doing here is not cool. 

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