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Recently a close person cheated on his girlfriend, she forgave, they are back, and he’s been complaining that she’s acting “too” forgiving and “too” understanding, on top of that, a casual love showcase with words such as “I am crazy for you”, I told him that people can actually forgive truly inside their hearts and not to worry about, but on the other hand, I also have my doubts.
 

Is this one of those “too good to be true” cases? 

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Too good to be true re: her behaviour?

Honestly, I wouldn't accept what he did.. but her actions are most likely due to 'fear of losing him', making her more insecure now.... imo.

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Oh the irony....he cheated and lied to her and now he doesn't trust her.... Interestingly enough, this is pretty classic cheater paranoia.

Cheaters know what they've done, do, would do again and how they lie, betray and backstab people. At the same time they do not want anything such done to them. So they are constantly paranoid and always looking over their shoulder with suspicion at others. Self created nightmare.

What's your involvement in this? Cheaters at their core are only loyal to themselves. So beware and you might want to actually distance yourself from such people. He'll betray friendships just as well.

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27 minutes ago, strangerwinds said:

Recently a close person cheated on his girlfriend, she forgave, they are back, and he’s been complaining that she’s acting “too” forgiving and “too” understanding, on top of that, a casual love showcase with words such as “I am crazy for you”, I told him that people can actually forgive truly inside their hearts and not to worry about, but on the other hand, I also have my doubts.

It depends. Are you the person he cheated with? She may be planning her exit or maybe she doesn't even know.

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13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It depends. Are you the person he cheated with? She may be planning her exit or maybe she doesn't even know.

No I am not involved in the situation, I am close friends with this person who cheated. I found the story interesting and maybe some answers here would guide me on a better advice on the overall thing.

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3 minutes ago, strangerwinds said:

No I am not involved in the situation, I am close friends with this person who cheated. I found the story interesting and maybe some answers here would guide me on a better advice on the overall thing.

It's the sort of a thing where it would be best to refrain from giving advice even if it's solicited. More of a smile and nod and keep out of it and change conversation to other topics.

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What you're describing, in a word? It's guilt. He feels guilty for what he did, feels he's undeserving of forgiveness, and so he is projecting that guilt onto his girlfriend. Very common, always corrosive. 

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I sort of get his uneasiness.  He probably feels guilty and to ease that guilt wants to earn her trust back.  That's how it should work, right?

But if she's overly willing to look the other way and is the one doing all the heavy lifting to make everything perfect, then if I were him it would make me uneasy as well.

The double-rub here is the cheater might lose respect for the person they cheated on when they roll over too easily and take them back. 

He might respect her more if she told him to take a hike and that she deserved way better.

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It sounds like a rollercoaster and a lot of complaining.

If he keeps going on, you can mention that you hope that they rebuild their trust in each other. Period. End sentence. The emphasis is on rebuilding trust in each other because if this is to work, they have to try doing that and digging deep for that foundation and trust. He may be ruminating and stuck in a guilt cycle or unable to get out of that thought process. Keep emphasizing trust. Keep it neutral between the both of them and don't take sides.

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It's your friend's relationship and let him deal with his girlfriend and her behavior. 

Everyone is different.  Some people forgive.  However, forgive does not mean forget.  Forgive means not to ruminate on the past anymore, don't hold feelings of ill will for the perpetrator, don't hold grudges and move on by leaving the past behind.  Start anew and start fresh.  That's what forgive means.  Forgive does not mean condone nor give excuses or free passes to the cheater, liar, betrayer, deceiver, thief, sociopath, gaslighter, etc.

Some people forgive but don't trust anymore.  I'm in this camp.  Also, I'm the type of person who forgives but forces the dynamics of the relationship to suddenly change because my former naivete and innocence had since been lost and annihilated.  I don't trust perpetrators anymore and from now on I err on the side of caution by playing safe.  In other words, I don't take risks anymore with said person.  I can remain polite, respectful and well mannered while maintaining a safe, frosty, aloof distance.  This is the way I "retaliate" passive aggressively.  I'm nice but not too nice and I don't feel close to perpetrators anymore.  Something died inside me and whatever transgressions they've committed are inexcusable, unforgettable and unacceptable.  They've basically pounded the last nail into their own coffin regarding the relationship I had with them.  They've sealed the deal and I walked away PERMANENTLY. 

Then there are other people such as your friend's girlfriend who is rare, took him back and picked up right where they left off.  I can't do that but "hurrah" for her and her relationship with your friend.  If she's sugary syrupy sweet on him, I hope it works out for your friend and his girlfriend.  More power to them.

As for you, stay out of it, don't meddle, don't get involved and mind your own business with all due respect.  Stay in your lane. 

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He probably thinks if she punishes him a bunch and then she eases up on him it is real forgiveness.  But since it was so easy he thinks something is up.

I think something is up.  She probably cheated too at some point and now feels better that they are even or she is faking forgiveness so she can wait until his guard is down and ruin him.  If they are married I wouldn't be surprised if she hasn't already talked to a lawyer in secret.  One day he gets home and his key doesn't work...

Either way he needs to figure out why he thought it was okay to cheat on the woman he says he loves.  He has a lot of soul searching to do.

  Lost

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It sounds like he wants out of the relationship and was hoping she'd kick his arse to the curb so he didn't have to be the one who ended it. 

Instead, she is terrified of losing him and he is grasping at straws for new reasons to not want to be with her. 

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Sounds like she has very low self esteem.   She should have dumped him. 

Does he have a pattern of cheating? What do you think about the cheating?

Edited by Hollyj
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