Ex boyfriend seems to showing either a level of interest or guilt/regret

[minute_perception]

My original story can be found in my other posts. Anyway, a bit over a month ago - my ex said he wanted to catch up to clear the air. He also wouldn’t directly answer the question when I asked if he just sees me as a friend. I’ve decided to pull back, but it seems like he wants to catch up. At the start of this month, he offered to call about something but I said it wasn't necessary, I think he was sort of surprised by that as I usually am jumping at any chance for us to speak on the phone. He sent me a message about the date/time tba (which I didn't respond to) and then he sent me a follow up message about a week later saying “Morning, when works this week for you?” with a smiley face. He hasn't sent me a morning text in a while. He then said whenever is fine, to choose a day/evening and let him know. He then said he hopes my mother is doing okay. This was 2 weeks ago and I didn't respond. He sent me another message yesterday saying he hadn’t heard from me in a while, was wondering how I am and asked if my mother is okay. His follow up messages show something but I'm not sure exactly what. Thoughts?

[Jibralta]

22 minutes ago, dustycloud said:

Thoughts?

Are you still hoping to get back together with him?

[minute_perception]

7 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Are you still hoping to get back together with him?

I think I'm honestly at the stage where if it never happened, I would be *ok* with it. Either the initial hurt is over or it could come come back to haunt me in years; however, there is a part of me that strongly feels we have something good so yes. But I've realised I don't want that if it's at the cost of him not wanting it/feeling like it wouldn't work. 

[boltnrun]

What is it he wants to "discuss" that requires an in person meeting?

I have to wonder if he wants some uncommitted sex because he hasn't had any lately.  And before you say "He would never do that!", you don't really know if he would or wouldn’t.  I've seen it happen more times than you would think. 

[Wiseman2]

News from an ex usually means a hookup. You wouldn't feel confused if he were interested in reconciling.

[minute_perception]

12 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What is it he wants to "discuss" that requires an in person meeting?

I have to wonder if he wants some uncommitted sex because he hasn't had any lately.  And before you say "He would never do that!", you don't really know if he would or wouldn’t.  I've seen it happen more times than you would think. 

I understand what you're saying. We would be having dinner out and it wouldn't be at his or mine, every time he's suggested to catch up it has been in public. That one time I went back to his afterwards for tea, we didn't have kiss/have sex. Do you still think sex? 

[Lambert]

1 hour ago, dustycloud said:

I think I'm honestly at the stage where if it never happened, I would be *ok* with it. Either the initial hurt is over or it could come come back to haunt me in years; however, there is a part of me that strongly feels we have something good so yes. But I've realised I don't want that if it's at the cost of him not wanting it/feeling like it wouldn't work. 

if you're honestly fine with letting this go completely, then blow him off. Walk away knowing that his intentions, whatever they are, are self serving to him.

breadcrumbs usually come because the ex hasn't found anyone else and is a parasite. Leeching comfort and support from the closest warm body they can find.

Someone with good intentions says it! flat out!

If they say, in some clear terms-  I'm sorry about the past and I want to work on our relationship. That is one thing. 

wanna catch up and how's your mum? is another. 

 

[boltnrun]

37 minutes ago, dustycloud said:

I understand what you're saying. We would be having dinner out and it wouldn't be at his or mine, every time he's suggested to catch up it has been in public. That one time I went back to his afterwards for tea, we didn't have kiss/have sex. Do you still think sex? 

Did he bring up reconciling when you met up with him those other times?

[minute_perception]

13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Did he bring up reconciling when you met up with him those other times?

I wouldn't say reconciling no. But he expressed a lot of doubt and said over and over again that he is probably one big idiot and making an idiotic decision. My major regret was not going into immediate NC after we broke up as his intentions post break up might have been clearer. Another concern is apparently when one wants to reconcile, they don't *usually* give us what we think we need to hear. They give small steps, such as friendly messages (nothing about the relationship), the next is usually suggesting to catch up. But often times, they are just as scared about possible rejection and this might be evident here as I've been pulling away quite recently. I'm not however making excuses for him. I am genuinely very unsure of whether to see him, for MY sake. Not for his. 

[Lambert]

18 minutes ago, dustycloud said:

 apparently when one wants to reconcile, they don't *usually* give us what we think we need to hear. They give small steps, such as friendly messages (nothing about the relationship), the next is usually suggesting to catch up. But often times, they are just as scared about possible rejection 

I could not disagree with this thought more. I think its natural for us to want to think this,  to want to explain away a person's confusing ways.

we use this explanation to accept less than what we deserve and it allows the other person to manipulate us into giving a relationship without them being in one. 

But when someone has truly decided they want to reconcile it is full on- I want to reconcile. No doubts.

[minute_perception]

31 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I could not disagree with this thought more. I think its natural for us to want to think this,  to want to explain away a person's confusing ways.

we use this explanation to accept less than what we deserve and it allows the other person to manipulate us into giving a relationship without them being in one. 

But when someone has truly decided they want to reconcile it is full on- I want to reconcile. No doubts.

Thank you! I do agree with your advice. 

[DancingFool]

Catching up to clear the air is really code for this is about him making himself feel better about the break up. A case of I want to use you to get over you. For your sake and sanity, please just say no to that. You are healing, you are reaching that stage of indifference - keep going and don't set yourself back to zero by talking to him.

Have to agree with Lambert that when people genuinely are looking to reconcile they will let you know. The wishy washy I'm so confused bs just serves to get your hopes up and keep you stuck when you should be moving on.

I would just let him know that you don't think there is anything to discuss or clear the air about and it's best you continue on your separate ways.  Or just ignore him as you have been until he gets the clue. Basically, close that door for good and free yourself for better matches in the future.

[Rose Mosse]

3 hours ago, dustycloud said:

My original story can be found in my other posts. Anyway, a bit over a month ago - my ex said he wanted to catch up to clear the air. He also wouldn’t directly answer the question when I asked if he just sees me as a friend. I’ve decided to pull back, but it seems like he wants to catch up. 

Don't play ball. This guy is just looking for a show to gawk at. If he thought highly of you and wanted you back in his life, he'd have done enough reflection to sound like it. The bits of follow up and concern about your mother are him asking for info from you and giving no info about where he stands with you. Why does he care so much about your mother and so little about you? Maybe there is some backstory here but not very convincing. 

There is a chance he is nervous about rejection but if he ended the relationship, don't you think it's a bit silly that he himself would skirt around a little risk or putting himself out there? After what you've both been through? You deserve a little more thought than this.

I agree with the comment about it not having to be so confusing if he was interested in reconciling. If it doesn't feel good or he's not upfront with you it's not enough.

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, DancingFool said:

Catching up to clear the air is really code for this is about him making himself feel better about the break up. A case of I want to use you to get over you. For your sake and sanity, please just say no to that. You are healing, you are reaching that stage of indifference - keep going and don't set yourself back to zero by talking to him.

Yes, I agree here.. For your own sake, don't go there.

Some do this, reach out on occasion, for their own sake - to try & lessen said 'guilt'.

For your own sake, don't bother.  If he had any respect he'd leave you alone to accept & heal from all of this.

And no, we cannot be 'friends' with an ex unless or until we know we are over them.  Often though, it doesn't happen.. When we've moved on, we're done.

So, do consider yourself here.  Don't react to breadcrumbs.. He left?  Leave him there.

TC of you now ❤️ 

[boltnrun]

My ex reached out to me whenever he hit a dry spell or he was fighting with the on again off again woman he'd been seeing. I knew it wasn't because he suddenly realized he really did love me. He was bored or lonely or horny and figured he'd try it on with trusty old me. 

It was never about me or any feelings he had for me.

 

I put a stop to it, BTW. I didn't want him wasting my time.

Do you still have hopes to reconcile with him?

[Andrina]

He likes having a fan and misses that because nobody else is giving him the time of day right now. Celebrities also like having fans but it doesn't mean they want a relationship with them.

[Wiseman2]

We see what we want to see. You want him back so whatever he does or doesn't do means that to you.

He ate pizza because he secretly wants to get back together. He didn't eat pizza because he secretly wants to get back together.

He wants to get back together, but can't tell me that. He wants to get back together but is waiting for me to buy a red car.

So... Whatever he does or doesn't do means he wants to get back together....to you.