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I don't know if I should clarify some feelings I had for a friend... Because i think those are making the relationship toxic


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Hi! I'm a 27 cis male. I know is not the best start, but I would need advice about something. 

I have a friend which I had a crush on. She is a girl that really doesn't live near me, and I don't really pursue a relationship with her. I started to like her when I was with my ex partner. I didn't do anything about these feelings, for respect to my partner and for her, because both of them were friends, and we both were in toxic relationships (My ex was a narcissist and I was kind of in an abusive cycle with them... But I still loved them at the moment)

The relationship I have with this friend has become weirder along the years: We talk, usually, when she has problems or something to talk about. To be honest, I do not "pursue" her with, or try to talk to her regularly, because I think she just tries to talk with me when she wants to unpack things, or wants to talk about difficult stuff of her relationships. She comes for advice, and I usually give the best I can, try to comfort her and support her. 

Right now, I'm in a very loving relationship, with someone I love a lot. They have helped me through a lot of bad times, and now that I know what is a healthy relationship... I feel a lot of freedom, happynes and appreciation.

Still, everytime this friend talks to me, I feel a bit of a rush, a bit of sadness and also, a bit used. First, it's usually a one sided relationship (but, thanks to a lot of narc abuse since I was little, when these relationships happen I kind of crave for approval) she unpacks her stuff and seeks support, but when I try to do the same, she doesn't reciprocate (talking in a platonic friendship way). I realize now that this pattern was even when we both were in bad relationships. 

Thing is, my actual partner knows how she treats me as a friend. They have not say anything about it, more than it looks to them that she is kind of taking advantage of me (which I kind of not wanted to believe at first, but to be honest, sounds like it and that's why I was sad) but my partner doesn't know the whole crush stuff, because I think it would be hurtful to them and can make them feel inadequate and think I have ulterior motives in the relationship with this person, which I don't.

Now, the thing is I have two ideas of how to proceed: both are quite the same, they just have a tad bit of a difference. Both will have a component of talking less and less with this friend, be polite when they talk to me, and just be there if they need and I don't feel I'm being taking advantage of. The difference is if I do this silently, or I'm open about the whole situation with this friend. If I was open I will talk about the whole rush thing, the "I feel a bit used" and what she meant to me (she helped me cope with a very bad relationship at the time, just being of service and helping her) and how I feel the friendship now, clarifying I do not want any short of romantic thing (which is true) 

I also would like to know if I should talk things with my partner. I do not really want to make them feel hurt, nor do I want to unload on them some emotional baggage I didn't deal with at the time... but I like to be upfront about things, at least I'm trying to be now that I have a better selfsteem. 

Thank you so much for reading this, and I hope this wasn't too long to read

Edited by Catseekingadvice
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Posted (edited)

My ex was, and my actual partner is nb. This crush is cis female. I put it because I saw in some of the forum's post people clarifying it, and I didn't know if it was something important to add. Sorry if it is something unnecessary or a bad choice on my part. I didn't want the post to be rude, and english isn't also my first language ^^U

Edited by Catseekingadvice
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3 minutes ago, Catseekingadvice said:

My ex was, and my actual partner is nb. This crush is cis female.

So your ex is trans, your partner is female but non-binary and the woman you want to cheat with is female and identifes as female?

You're unhappy with your partner however she views herself, so free yourselves and find your happiness with someone you care about.

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Posted (edited)
13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

So your ex is trans, your partner is female but non-binary and the woman you want to cheat with is female and identifes as female?

You're unhappy with your partner however she views herself, so free yourselves and find your happiness with someone you care about.

Sorry but... I'm not unhappy? Feeling a rush for someone who you had previously feelings for, and who makes you feel bad about how they treat you isn't exactly healthy. I'm happy with my partner, although we are in a long distance relationship and corona is not helping with that.

What I'm worried about is being in a bad friendship, but when I am talking, having time or just being along my actual partner I'm happy. I didn't say anything about my actual partner, why do you say I'm feeling bad about how they view themselves? I'm supporting of how my partner want to express themselves, as I was when my ex wanted to be treated as a trans man. Why are you bringing all this up? I don't get what is the connection with the question

Edited by Catseekingadvice
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1 hour ago, Catseekingadvice said:

I also would like to know if I should talk things with my partner.

I thought your partner already knew about your friend?

1 hour ago, Catseekingadvice said:

Both will have a component of talking less and less with this friend, be polite when they talk to me, and just be there if they need and I don't feel I'm being taking advantage of. The difference is if I do this silently, or I'm open about the whole situation with this friend.

I think this is the right approach. I also recommend that you do it silently. There's no need to discuss your rush or your feelings of being taken advantage of, unless you're trying to develop a relationship beyond friendship. 

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8 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I thought your partner already knew about your friend?

They know about the bad friend part, but not about the "I have that rush" and the story behind it all, because this happened three to four years before we started going out (we begin dating this past June). If i would talk about that with my friend, I would feel compelled to be open about it all also with my partner, but I know it can be hurtful, that's why I was asking advice about it. 

Yeah, I think doing it silently is the wiser and right choice, but I didn't know if that would be a bit like ghosting her as a friend, so that's why i wanted an outsiders perspective. I would prefer to cut contact, but I know that without too much explanation, that can be rude and hurtful. That's why I wanted an outsider's view on it, thank you so much for it ^^

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The rush thing should end. No need to drag it out with conversations. Just end it. All you are doing is drawing boundaries where they are appropriate. If you don't prioritize your relationships properly, they will fall apart.

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1 minute ago, Jibralta said:

The rush thing should end. No need to drag it out with conversations. Just end it. All you are doing is drawing boundaries where they are appropriate. If you don't prioritize your relationships properly, they will fall apart.

Yeah... That's what I was worried. I don't want this to hurt my relationship, so I will draw the necessary boundaries. Thank you so much again 😊

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2 hours ago, Catseekingadvice said:

Sorry but... I'm not unhappy? Feeling a rush for someone who you had previously feelings for, and who makes you feel bad about how they treat you isn't exactly healthy. I'm happy with my partner, although we are in a long distance relationship and corona is not helping with that.

What I'm worried about is being in a bad friendship, but when I am talking, having time or just being along my actual partner I'm happy. I didn't say anything about my actual partner, why do you say I'm feeling bad about how they view themselves? I'm supporting of how my partner want to express themselves, as I was when my ex wanted to be treated as a trans man. Why are you bringing all this up? I don't get what is the connection with the question

I agree, it's odd that someone would fixate on this versus the core of your post.  I'm also not sure why there would be an insinuation that you are looking to cheat, but twisting words to create a different narrative speaks volumes about someone.

That being said, I agree with the other poster encouraging you to pull the plug on this friendship.  It's doing you more harm then good, which you are very aware of.  I am quite positive that once you step away quickly you will soon start to lose some of those feelings.

Edited by ChasingHope
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2 hours ago, Catseekingadvice said:

why do you say I'm feeling bad about how they view themselves? 

Sorry that wasn't my post. My advice was to free yourself until you figure out what's going on with the crush/friend.

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IMO, I suggest you do not mention those 'feelings' you've had for your friend.  Leave that alone, that's your life.

As for all you've experienced with this friend, yes, if you've been forever affected by her means/ actions with you, do back away... stop being her emotional pillow.  Is something you don't need.

Just stop tending to her msg's/calls.  She will pick up that you are not there for her anymore. Plus, I think it will end up doing you some good, that you no longer deal with this 'crush' at all anymore- then no reminders, nothing and it can all go away...

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