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Living with a couple and falling for one of them


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Hi everyone, 

I currently live with a few people in a small house. Two of the people that I live, Lisa and Jamie, with have been in a steady, committed relationship for a few years. I moved in with this couple and a few other friends over quarantine.

Over the past few months I have developed a very close connection with one of the people in the relationship (Lisa), while the other I have known and been very close with for years (Jamie). Recently these feelings have turned into romantic ones... I am starting to realize that I am falling in love with Lisa, who is deeply committed to my other close friend Jamie. Lisa and I spend a lot time together inside and sometimes outside of the house, and I think that she is oblivious to mine and her own feelings; part of me thinks that she has feelings for me too. I worry that my feelings are becoming obvious. I don't want to upset Jamie, and fear making our living situation uncomfortable... I would never consider putting this couple's relationship in jeopardy. At the same time, I can't help but adore Lisa. I have been pulling away lately out of concern of making things weird, and am getting all up in my head that everyone in the house can tell and that I am doing something wrong. What should I do? Nothing? Confess my feelings? I'm trying to carry on as normal but as I come to terms with my feelings for Lisa it has been hard. Aghhhh

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You move out.  Please don't confess your feelings. That would be extremely selfish and I would not, if in your shoes, presume to know how Lisa is oblivious to her own feelings. You might very well just be projecting your feelings.

Are you in a position where you cannot move out?

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Thank you for this response. You're right that I shouldn't presume to know her feelings; I know she is not oblivious. Unfortunately I cannot move out at the moment. Distancing myself is the only realistic solution I can think of at the moment 

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Then yes, it would be best for all parties if you stop hanging out with Lisa.

Do you have other friends or family you can hang out with? Maybe try some local meetup groups - they have virtual meet ups. You could potentially meet someone in these groups and might divert your attention away from Lisa.

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2 hours ago, LeekiLee123 said:

 I don't want to upset Jamie, and fear making our living situation uncomfortable... I would never consider putting this couple's relationship in jeopardy. 

What should I do? Nothing? Confess my feelings? 

Please, for the love of ......, please do NOT confess your feelings!  You say you would never consider putting this couple's relationship in jeopardy - well then, DON'T.  Don't be selfish. You have no place there.  This is all about respect.  Respect other people's relationships. and most of all, have some self-respect.  Back off and find someone single.  You have no place messing with someone else's relationship.

Surely you have other friends to socialise with?

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No, you don't confess....you move out. This is a couple, you will ruin lives and hurt people very badly if you do anything about your feelings.

It's not your place to say anything.

The best solution to all of this is to move out, the sooner the better.

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Oh, seen that you can't move out. Then stop hanging out with Lisa, find your own friends. Go online if you can't go out.

Chat with others online, make connections there.

But please don't hurt Jamie and don't confuse Lisa, it's the wrong thing to do and you will ruin so many things on so many levels.

Edited by SherrySher
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5 hours ago, LeekiLee123 said:

. I moved in with this couple and a few other friends over quarantine

Move out asap. Is this a same sex situation with blurred lines for you?

Make friends of your own and date single people.

Don't pretend to be friends lurking around. Your crush is your business. Stop encroaching on them.

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You are not in love, you are infatuated exasperated from isolation. Time to fill your time with something else, and stop depending on Lisa. Try dating sites if you are feeling lonely. In the meantime find a new place to live.

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13 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You are not in love, you are infatuated exasperated from isolation. Time to fill your time with something else, and stop depending on Lisa. Try dating sites if you are feeling lonely. In the meantime find a new place to live.

Yeah I think this is accurate... I basically only see the people I live with nowadays. Tim to find some new ppl/look into a new place 

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Yup, do not react on your feelings... back off now, totally.

Which means you stop hanging with her -in order to respect their relationship and NOT lead either of you onto anything!  You do not want to be the cause of trouble with them.

So, you do other things, which does not include her.  She is with him here, not you.  Majority of the time, should be THEM, together... you are present of a friend, only.

Do your own things.. and start to distance yourself more.  Find a buddy to hang with.. or if you can visit family?  Get outside more.. walk, have some tunes? Take them with you.. be absent from that home a little more if possible...

 

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Get focused on your own life. Recognize how ridiculous you are acting.  like you belong between two people already in a committed relationship. 

All you will do is regret this. You will feel embarrassed and foolish that you thought there was something happening that wasn't. You will lose the respect of at least two people in the house.  And probably more. 

 

 

 

Edited by Lambert
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It's not good to get in the way of relationships between others. Stay out of it as much as possible. Somewhere in your thoughts you let yourself run on with these emotions or talk yourself through these fantasies. Trace your thoughts back and figure out how this happened. Why did you allow yourself to mistake the actions or thoughts of others towards you or cross that line believing that it would or could be more than just friends? 

I think you can avoid this happening in the future just checking your thoughts and stay aware of what doesn't feel good or right to you. Don't act on this. It's not good for all involved. If it means limiting your time spent with them to clear your head, do that. 

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