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want to move to a smaller city but boyfriend refuses


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Hey everyone,
my dear friend is having a crisis and im trying to help her but im struggling to give her advice, mostly because im biased
the situation:
My friend and her long term boyfriend  been living together for a few years. 
First time, they lived in the suburbs (near the main city).
My friend had to travel for work to the city (1h drive) and to school to the neighbouring country (4h drive there by train), while her boyfriend had a job in the suburbs.
This eventually became very tiring for her (also the travelling costed extra money which she was paying for herself). After mutual agreement they decided to get a apartment in the city, so the situation switched - now her boyfriend has to travel to work to the suburbs(1h drive) and she is paying for his travelling expanses because according to him, it was "her idea to move to the city". She agreed to pay for the travelling, even though he never offered to help and pay for her travelling before, which was significantly more demanding.
Now since the covid situation is only getting worse, she lost her job and the only income is coming from her boyfriend. She is borrowing money from her mom to pay off half of the rent (+his traveling costs). She is upset about this, even though she agreed to pay for his travelling, but now she has no job and the extra 50euro/month is too much for her. He still lets her pay for it.

Now, she also owns an apartment that she is renting to someone(the money is paying off the mortgage) but its in a smaller city, 1.5 hour drive from the main city.
She suggested that they move there, the costs for living there are much lower,  instead of paying 600/month they would pay only 200/month, plus she can get her and boyfriend a job there working for her brother, so he  wont need to travel to the main city (his main excuse was that he wont travel so far)
 Plus its her own place so they can renovate/move furniture etc. which they cannot do now in the rented place. He disagrees and dont want to move. She is exhausted trying to talk things over with him and dont know what to do. Now i dont personally know him, so i only see it from my friends perspective and i find him ..selfish. 

She is thinking about breaking things up and moving on her own. 
I appreciate any advice 
 

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Stay out of it. Be a friend that just listens.  Don't offer advice. The solution may be for her to leave this guy, but it's on her to decide and live with the consequences.

 

Edited by Lambert
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2 hours ago, wendybalsam said:

she also owns an apartment that she is renting to someone

Why can't she give them notice and move back in there by herself? This BF thing is not working out .

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Encourage her to cut her expenses and think future-forward. This means saving more, spending less. If she wants to find a job in another city, ie the smaller one where she owns the flat, then that may be what she has to do. Sometimes when doing something different or lifechanging all another person needs to know is that their friends and family are still there whatever they decide, barring anything unethical or illegal.

Whatever she decides about the relationship needs to come from her reasoning that it's just not working.

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Don't meddle nor get involved in other people's lives.  Mind your own business.  This is not your problem.  Let your girlfriend and her boyfriend figure out how to live and what to do.  This is none of your concern. 

Have boundaries with people and stay in your lane.  Remain silent and keep your friendship with her light, polite, brief and play it safe.

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This really is not your problem or your business.  

I'd tell him we are done and I'd move to the apt. that she owns since it's cheap enough she should be able to pay the costs by herself or maybe find a roommate if there's enough room there.

He's taking advantage of her and she is being stupid to pay his travel costs when she has no job and very little money.

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If your friend asked you for advice. And you are a true friend, even with the risk of losing her, tell her that this guy clearly doesn't want the best for her.  And she deserves someone who will support her.

The fact that he still makes her pay for his transport even after losing her job, but offers him a way to save - there are no church bells ringing for them in the near future.  He only looks out for himself.  I always want my friends to be honest with me. And wish they have with two exes. I didn't see it.  It would have saved me a world of trouble.  Good luck to your friend.  

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I would mostly stay out of it but it depends on her future goals with him -marriage? family? some other kind of commitment? status quo? Since it seems this is not just about finances and geography I'd let her consider with and grapple with the emotional components that I'm sure are part of this.

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He does not sound very supportive. I think others advice to stay out of it as much as you want to help is really best. Listen is about all you can do with maybe a raised brow. Hard situation to be in as a friend.

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If my friend had turned to me for advice/support, damn rights I would agree with her to ditch this guy if she was considering it. There's a difference between telling them what to do, and agreeing on their suggested action. They still make the final decision no matter what you say or agree on.

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I'd just ask her whether BF paid for her commutes while she made them.

If not, why the double standard?

I would not suggest what she 'should' do. She's an adult, and she has her own property. She can make up her own mind, without holding you accountable for her decision.

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