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The Stayover Arrangement


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1 hour ago, reinventmyself said:

But for me, I need to carry on as an individual until we have concrete plans otherwise.  I put my life on hold for the exact reasons you describe and 10 years of my life passed me buy.

Agree, your angst and resentment will only grow if you make him the rate-limiting factor in your plans. Despite your talk, there is nothing that holds you back from seeing your own financial planner, accountant, etc.

If/when this marriage ever happens you'll still be better off if you don't wait for him to make all your financial and real-estate decisions for you. You're setting yourself up for a white knuckle ride.

Keep in mind, depending on your jurisdiction, his house will never belong to you. That means even if you move in, even if you marry, if something happens to him, his heirs can boot you out.

Edited by Wiseman2
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  • 2 months later...

I just wanted to post a bit of a follow up. In hindsight, re-reading my own post carries some enlightenment, and having done more self reflection since posting, I have come to understand some additional inner work I need to do surrounding relationships and especially marriage.

We are still together, but after taking a vacation in early May, things have changed a bit. We had a wonderful time, and complemented each other very well as far as travel. However, upon our return, things seemed to cool off a little. He admitted to needing to “work on himself”, as he struggles with anxiety and/or depression and low self esteem. To me, this sounded like the end, but he insists he is committed to doing this work for himself, me, and us so we can have the future we talked about. 

At first, I really struggled with this “step back”,  but I have since come to realize that I really needed to work on my own issues, specifically, why I want him to commit to living together or marriage while being scared to commit myself, among other things.  I have been taking a lot of time for self reflection and healing, refocusing on making some repairs and updates to my house, all while observing his actions to see if he is truly working on the things he said. 

I think this step back will ultimately be good, whether we both work through issues that will bring us closer together, or we realize we aren’t on the same page at all. 

Thank you all again for giving compassionate advice, even the hard advice that we naturally want to resist.  

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4 minutes ago, asp2021 said:

I have been taking a lot of time for self reflection and healing, refocusing on making some repairs and updates to my house,.

I think this step back will ultimately be good

Excellent. Agree staying at your own home and focusing on your own life more will help.

Staying at his place 24/7 was causing smothering, distancing and resentment. 

He's seems to care and enjoys dating and your company.

However camping out at someone's place is never a good idea.

Also do not wait around for him to 'fix himself". What you see is what you get.

 

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