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I knew this guy 20 years ago whilst I worked in the pub.

Over a year ago we got chatting again via a dating site and got together. His partner of 17 yrs sadly died and left him with 2 children under the age of 7. I love the children and vice versa. The children beg me to stay over more than he does.  He tells me he loves me and when I'm with him he is very affectionate.

The problem is he is very inconsistent, made no effort over Xmas with me. He cuts off my calls quite a lot. If we arrange to meet up it rarely happens. I will call and text on the day and get no response until its too late. I can go days without hearing from him. 

One typical example: we arranged for me to come over for Sunday roast (it was our one year anniversary) I messaged and called about what time would be good and had no response. By 2000 I was starving hungry. He answered the phone as though nothing had happened. When I mentioned I was upset he told me that he "couldn't do this conversation right now" so I hung up.I'm

He works from home and bothe sets of grandparents have his children from Friday until Sunday. I think I need to walk away but wonder if I'm being too demanding considering the circumstances? I'm getting upset with the unpredictable behaviour 

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4 minutes ago, 74Grfs5 said:

. His partner of 17 yrs sadly died and left him with 2 children under the age of 7.

Sorry to hear that. He doesn't seem ready willing or able to date right now.

He's understandably all over the place. Keep in mind his late wife's family are still very much his kid's family.

You need to step back.

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Thank you for your reply.

I placed myself in the background for a long time. I've given sooooo much consideration to his family, his partners family, children. I've done all of this thinking of them as I didnt want them to get upset. I have done  lots to consider them all and put myself in their shoes. I didnt tell anyone about "us" for months and months as I didnt  want her fa.ily finding out the wrong way.

The problem here is he organising things with me and then goes silent so the day out/park/meals do not happen. 

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36 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Step away from this. He's not ready willing or able to date...or unfortunately more specifically...date you.

I feel that was a little unkind of you to say that. This guy has been asking me to move in with him,  start a family etc and I have been the one to back off. 

The issue here is his communication 

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Why in the world have you continued with this?  This guy reaches out when it is convenient, and it does not sound like he is at all invested.   You are filling a void.  It seems like his behavior has been very predictable, as he keeping repeating it.

This guy recently  lost his wife and is raising young kids, he has nothing to give.  He is overwhelmed.   This is a lose/lose.

You mentioned in your other thread that he asked you to move in.  All that would amount to is insta maid, cook, and nanny. 

Dump him.  Expect more from your relationships. 

Edited by Hollyj
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Did you both talk about exclusivity? He could be seeing other people. He may still be grieving his late partner and not in the right place to commit to anything too serious. 

I don't think he should be treating you this way regardless of what he's going through. The thing to do is just say he's not well enough to see you as often and needs time. I'm sorry he's saying one thing and doing something else. You'll have to just accept the fact, if it's the case, that he is not well enough to even know how to say this to you or afraid of losing yet another person in his life (even if it's for the wrong reasons).

Now it's your turn to read the actions, not into his words. Just take a time out to yourself to look at what you want versus what's happening. 

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Yes you need to end this.  You are doing all the heavy lifting and he is just cruising along.

Like Holly said you are just an convenience.  He doesn't value you, your time, your devotion or your love.

Being alone would be better than this wouldn't it?

I am sure there are tons of men out there that want to date you that would value you.

I am sorry but this guy is not going to change.

You are not being to demanding, if anything you are not demanding enough out of this relationship.  Time to call it quits

Lost

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I agree with the others.  This guy has nothing to offer.  Walk away. Sorry about the kids but things do happen. I ended a friendship and it was super sad for me about the kids but there's not much to be done. Love them in your prayers. 

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You are not being demanding enough, aka your standards are way too low.

Why would you put up with a guy who treats you so badly for a week, let alone a year? He hangs up on you, he leaves you hanging and stands you up on dates. He won't answer when you call about plans you already have and then eventually tells you that he cancelled on you. The very first time he pulled something like that, you should have dumped him instantly and you need to sort out why you didn't, so you don't make that mistake again.

The way he is treating you is not what love and good relationships look like. When you look at any person, you have to consider ALL of them, not just the parts that you like that show up temporarily. Consider also that just because someone is widowed, it doesn't automatically mean that he is a good person or that he was a good husband. The way he is treating you shouldn't be acceptable to you at all. Lose his number and never look back. Also, raise your standards and expectations going forward. At the very least expect a person to treat you with the same respect and care that you treat them - if you wouldn't leave a person hanging and ignore their calls, then don't tolerate them doing it to you.

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5 hours ago, 74Grfs5 said:

I feel that was a little unkind of you to say that. This guy has been asking me to move in with him,  start a family etc and I have been the one to back off. 

The issue here is his communication 

Oh, it's more than 'communication'.. as Wiseman said.. He is not ready at all.

He has so much going on up there 😞 .

He is NOT in the right frame of mind to be involved again- and won't be for a while.

What you know does not mean you 'get it'..  He is deeply struggling. He's got 2 kids with a partner he lost - which was long term.  (this relationship you've got with him is very much a rebound- they end as fast as they start - and they hurt).

He goes days and won't reach out?  Does he seem hot & cold?  That's confusion- he is not sure he wants this.

He has nothing much to 'give' at this time. .No, his mention of marriage is not 'real'.. (is most likely a spill over from his LTR (marriage of 17 yrs).  Is not 'love' he holds for you- because he can't.

 

I think I need to walk away but wonder if I'm being too demanding considering the circumstances? I'm getting upset with the unpredictable behaviour .

-Yeah, with his uncertainty, which is obviously affecting you now- to where you're considering this... may be best.. leave him to continue to actually grieve his loss properly.

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Ah thank you for your reply. You have made me feel much stronger. Such a difficult position and I wear my heart on my sleeve. 

I feel after reading your response I am certain which path to take...the one thats right for me.  I appreciate your words x

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Obviously with a death of a loved one, comes with a lot of guilt. Tho he desires to move on and be happy, when he does, he feels guilty for this, and ascends. To talk about it, is way too painful. His and her family have no clue what's going on with him so obviously he isn't getting any help with this to help him move on. They just do their best to have normalcy, especially for the kids. That's why there is a pull and push away motion going on with your relationship. He's just not coping with the death of his wife like he should. TBH if he refuses to get help, like grief counseling not just for him, but his family too, he's just going to be stuck in this pattern of behavior for a very long time. He's just not ready to give himself fully to anyone.

I would be very weary of moving in with him. You could find yourself just as pushed away and lonely.

Edited by smackie9
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