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My girlfriend’s preoccupation with my health and fitness is getting in the way of our relationship.


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Hello, my girlfriend (33) and I (33M) have been together for about 6 months. She is in medical school and her health and fitness are important to her. I told her at the beginning of the relationship that I was going to the gym 2-3 times a week before COVID and changed my diet before we met and lost over 40 pounds. I’m right at the upper end of “normal” on the BMI chart, and I do hope to be able to become more physically fit.

So far almost all of our arguments, which take us to the brink of breaking up, have been about my health and fitness.

I have a knee condition (that isn’t currently bothering me), and she sent me some videos about knee exercises that can help with it. I thanked her for this, and a while later she asked me how I was doing with the knee exercises. I told her that I wasn’t doing them and that I didn’t plan on it, and she flipped out. She couldn’t fathom why I wouldn’t want to do something to improve my health.

I have a minor case of sleep apnea and my doctor is treating me with a CPAP machine. She asked when I was going to be able to stop using the machine permanently, and I said that the doctor didn’t recommend that to me, and she told me to get a second opinion on my treatment. We argued about this until 3 in the morning (which seems to happen with most of these).

We weren’t cooking dinner together the other night and she was making a small meal that she had for herself. I asked if I could bring over a frozen dinner that I had and at first she said “No, I don’t allow that type of food in my apartment.” She later relented and let me bring it over, but voiced her concern that I have frozen, prepared meals (I eat maybe one a week). I’ve mentioned that she might have orthorexia and she took this as a huge insult.

I could go on about arguments on diets and exercise, but they almost always go the same way. She makes some “harmless, basic” suggestion about health/wellness out of her concern for me, and if I show the slightest bit of resistance she gets extremely offended, calls me insecure, and our discussion escalates into a fight. It’s to the point that I asked to put up some personal boundaries and that we just not talk about the subjects, and she feels that I’m silencing her. I’ve said “It’s my knee not yours, it’s my decision over what I do with my body and it doesn’t affect you.” She replies that it does, what if we’re on a hike somewhere and my knee beings to hurt! If I ever turn these conversations around and ask her how she’s doing on these fronts, there’s always some reason as to why it’s different for her or that she is already adequate in that regard.

I asked her if she likes me the person or if she’s only interested in my physical well-being, and she says that they’re one in the same/intertwined ("there's no relationship if you're dead!"). I agreed to disagree. Last night I asked her if she would still want to be with me if I gained a few pounds (to her an extreme hypothetical). She said that if it were due to a disability or uncontrollable condition than yes, but if not then no. Since I should always be trying to improve that should never happen, so if it happens then I’m not trying to improve. She is concerned that I spend some of my free time playing games with my friends instead of googling/researching “basic” health related things (it’s just not my thing). I asked what to research and she said that it’s not her job to do that for me. I likened that to a teacher handing out textbooks and telling the class to just figure it out with zero guidance. The only reason we’re together right now is because I told her that I’d start researching, which I honestly have no interest in doing. I know to eat more vegetables, to avoid processed food, and to exercise more; I don’t know what else she wants me to learn about.

She also has a habit of telling me about something she’s upset about, and then bringing it back up later and asking why I didn’t check in on her about it. To her when I don’t check in it means that I don’t care, when I'm just forgetful sometimes. For example, her dog died a few months ago. We talked about it every day, I canceled some plans with friends to spend a day with her instead, and I checked in on her about it for a while. One day she mentioned that she was feeling sad about it, but our conversation moved in a different direction. A while later she blew up on me for ignoring her feelings and not caring. The same thing happened over the weekend: she had told me she felt some anxiety on Friday, and we spent most of Saturday together and I had forgotten about this. Saturday evening she blows up on me for not checking on her anxiety and saying that her friends care enough to ask her about these problems, so why don’t I. And I do care, but I forgot about it since there were other things on my mind, but this to her shows a lack of effort/caring.

I wanted to know if this relationship is salvageable, and where we could go from here. She mentioned couples therapy, and I’m open to it, but I don’t want to just be throwing money away. Thanks

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3 minutes ago, DonRocko said:

have been together for about 6 months. She is in medical school. We argued about this until 3 in the morning. I’ve said “It’s my knee not yours .She mentioned couples therapy

Sorry this is happening. People don't need couples therapy after dating 24 Weeks. They need to break up.

She seems overbearing and controlling dressed up as playing doctor and "caring". It would be best to tell her you're incompatible and walk away intact.

If anything is "unhealthy", it's arguing until 3am about her issues with your body. Good you stuck up for yourself.

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Oh good grief. She seems quite rude, don't you think? I'm very sorry. My two brothers work in healthcare and a close friend is an ER doctor. I know the feeling when they zero in on something health related but it shouldn't feel like she's barking orders at you or telling you what to do. Thankfully my brothers and the friend I mentioned are all gentle-natured. I would also be careful about her taking out work related stress on you. 

Keep working on your own health for you. Don't be too traumatized over this or give up on yourself because someone thinks a certain way about your body or health. If you want to be in this relationship, create more boundaries and set them. Tell her that you appreciate her advice but she is not to come at you with loads of negativity and rudeness. 

You may have to cut your losses if you feel you both don't see eye to eye. 

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Do you know what kills faster than weight, fitness, or eating habits? Stress.

Stress literally kills and there is nothing more stressful than this kind of constant arguing. Her behavior is both toxic and incredibly ironic. Meanwhile you are losing years off your life playing into this.

Her behavior is crossing the line into abusive and if I were you, I'd be long gone. Life is too short for this kind of madness. You aren't going to fix her and she won't mellow out. These kinds of people get worse with age, not better. It's only been 6 months and it's this bad, can you imagine a lifetime of this? Run just run.

 

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She's a controlling, arrogant drama queen. 

I can't believe you haven't dumped her already. This isn't what the honeymoon phase of a relationship should look like. 

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1 hour ago, DonRocko said:

I told her that I wasn’t doing them and that I didn’t plan on it, and she flipped out.

-Yes, think of this.. SHE freaks out!

 

1 hour ago, DonRocko said:

she told me to get a second opinion on my treatment. We argued about this until 3 in the morning (which seems to happen with most of these).

- Really.. til 3 am?  Omg 😞 

 

1 hour ago, DonRocko said:

she feels that I’m silencing her. I’ve said “It’s my knee not yours, it’s my decision over what I do with my body and it doesn’t affect you.” She replies that it does, what if we’re on a hike somewhere and my knee beings to hurt! If I ever turn these conversations around and ask her how she’s doing on these fronts, there’s always some reason as to why it’s different for her

- SHE is so.... odd!  She will not accept 'reason', full of drama!

 

1 hour ago, DonRocko said:

The only reason we’re together right now is because I told her that I’d start researching, which I honestly have no interest in doing.

- So YOU are faking it... WHY?

Interesting... 'the only reason'.. YOU are letting her control you.

 

1 hour ago, DonRocko said:

I wanted to know if this relationship is salvageable, and where we could go from here. She mentioned couples therapy, and I’m open to it, but I don’t want to just be throwing money away

It has been only 6 months.. and obviously YOU are so bothered and are not happy in the least.

Why you'd accept this controlling woman in your life, I have no idea!

When one gets involved, there should be some stability and respect with one another.  SHE is over doing it.. and to start such arguments about all YOU are doing wrong?  No thanks!

She does not care about you properly.  She is way out of line!

For you to accept any of this, shows YOUR lack of self respect.  You cannot keep this up with her... why would you?

Get rid of someone who is so unreasonable! ( Before she degrades you to a pulp).

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When I was dating especially after I got over my eating issues for the most part and normalized my relationship with food and my body (I was not overweight ever other than when I was pregnant) - an automatic dealbreaker for me was if early on in dating a man commented on what I was eating or how much other than something bland or actually funny or complimentary (like I was fine with "I love to see a woman who actually eats!"). So - I think there are very strict boundaries around how you discuss food and fitness with a partner. 

My approach is hands off as much as possible.  My husband and I disagree on how long to keep leftovers and sometimes this is my business-  meaning if he gets sick then I am going to be solo parenting, then he's going to be sick of course, and with covid especially the last thing we need are extra doctor or hospital visits.  But as far as how much he eats etc I hold my tongue even if I think he eats too much sweets.  But I have healthful food around -including food I know he likes - I feel that that way -if he sees me buying veggies he knows I really don't prefer but he does, maybe he'll eat them.  He told me he eats breakfast now because of me (as a habit I mean) and I'm glad but I never really said anything to him about it- he just knows I always do and  our son does. 

He started power walking again because of me - again I was supportive, he saw me doing it, he used to do it - but no pushing.  In fact sometimes he'll ask me if I think he should go - it might be because of awful weather, it might be because he's coming down with a cold -and I treat him like an adult -I lay out the facts and I remind him that just because I might still walk/exercise doesn't mean it's right or that he should.

My husband has gained some weight during covid.  I do not like it.  I see that he's eating more sweets.  I do not like it.  But he knows what he looks like, he is an adult and from all I know he's in decent shape health wise.  So because I love him, because I respect him, I hold my tongue.  If I truly thought he didn't know or if he asked me I'd say something.  I slipped up once many years ago -I told him it would be good if he exercised more.  He didn't like it.  Guess how many more times I brought that up?  Zero.  Because that's what it means to be in a healthful relationship -respect over all (and love of course) -not nagging/controlling in the name of "caring" or "because I know better."

Run Forrest run (but I like the pizza idea!!)

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I personally don't think this is salvageable at all. She sounds horrible! I was actually shuddering reading your post lol First of all, you are absolutely right, it's none of her business what you're doing about your health, weight, knees, anything. If she has a problem with your lifestyle and the way you are then she doesn't have to actually date you. Even if someone was overweight, their partner has no right to keep forcing them to do XYZ. If they don't like to date overweight people then simply don't date them. Nobody has a right to keep trying to control and change their partner.

You actually don't have to live your life the way she does. As long as you're reasonably healthy overall and not obese then you don't need to follow any particular regimes. If you want to eat a frozen meal once in a while because you didn't have time to cook something, so what. You don't have to research anything unless you have some very particular medical conditions that need to be treated. And in that case you would see someone who actually is a graduated and qualified doctor. She is still a student so she's not a doctor yet, nor is she your doctor.

Seriously she sounds like a total nightmare! You literally don't owe her anything. Not one thing except to be a good person and good boyfriend to her. You don't owe her to lose weight, work out, or do anything else. It's your body, your life. If she doesn't like it she can go walking. She's not the boss of you.

Also different people have a different vision  of what healthy is. For example, I hate the gym so I really won't enjoy it and it would be a waste of money for me. But I really like walking so that's what I do for exercise. I'm not on any particular diet but I eat OK. Once in a while I'll eat a frozen meal or go out for dinner and treat myself, or get takeaway. Even if you wanted to take extreme measures about your health, that should be your own decision. It shouldn't be just because she's forcing you and ordering you around.

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All I will say is that many of the med students and residents that I’ve spent any length of time with are incredibly arrogant and condescending. I think it’s partly a sense of being better or smarter than everyone else, but also a bit of a defense mechanism to compensate for some level imposter syndrome. I hate to be that way, certainly not all are that way, but being in the medical field, its just something that you see often. They’re very science and knowledge driven, and often lack empathy. I’m not surprised that being with her is difficult for you, it would be for anyone who didn’t also value science and knowledge at the same level. I agree with the other posters. I think you’ll be happier with someone more on your wave length. Let her find someone as adamant about health and fitness as she is.

Edited by indea08
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You wouldn't be throwing your money away on couples therapy.  I highly recommend it compared to forums on the Internet.  Seek real professional help.

You and your girlfriend are mismatched.  She needs to be with a health buff; a guy who's into physical fitness and diets just as much as she is.  Be evenly yoked.  Birds of a feather flock together.  Be with alike minds. 

You took a misstep when she was still mourning the loss of her dog.  (I'm a dog lover and lost my beloved Golden Retriever 2 years ago.)  Your conversation with  her trailed off to another direction.  It sounds like you didn't do it on purpose and instead of blowing up at you, she could've addressed your oversight gentler.  You have to give her attention otherwise she feels disrespected, takes offense and an argument ensues.  In order to have a relationship with her, you can't "forget" what she says or how she describes her feelings to you.  Also, don't change the subject and have the conversation move in another direction.  Stay on track even if you didn't do it on purpose.  Be mindful of this. 

I'm married and I appreciate it whenever my husband stays on the subject with me.  I appreciate his consideration if I were to express my feelings even if it's painful and negative.  That's life and with relationships you have to feel for the other person when they're sad, stressed or anxious.  It's not, "Here take a pill for it."  That is not the instant, convenient answer.  Work on having empathy.

Regarding physical health and habits, I can relate.  I'm into health and fitness and I want my husband to be on the same page with me.  Having one healthy person in the relationship and another person who is unhealthy, indifferent or ignorant regarding health and exercise means there are problems down the road.  The healthier person is energetic, strong and industrious whereas the unhealthy person with unhealthy, lazy habits eventually becomes a drag.  They're a drag because eventually they tend to become sickly sooner, succumb to premature hypertension, diabetes, debilitating arthritis and heart disease; all of which are killers.  The healthy person ends up becoming the unhealthy person's caretaker or the unhealthy person can't keep up with the healthy person's pace. 

The healthy person has to slow down or leave the unhealthy person at home for outings, plans, activities and the like.  Both of you can't do things together because the unhealthy person doesn't have the stamina of a healthy person. 

Meal prep is a pain.  I don't want to cook two separate meals for everyone.  We all eat the same thing so meal cooking and preparation are more convenient.  We grocery shop for the same food which is healthy.   

Granted, you can't control your genetics.  However, you can improve your lifestyle not for her but for yourself if you wish to live a longer life than your ancestors and decrease current and future health problems. 

If you can't and won't agree to be conscientious about your health, then be with a woman who is just like you with all due respect.  Be with a woman who shares your same or similar health habits and lifestyle.  She will not complain about your choices and you will be happy and satisfied that she is the same as you in every way.  Also, both of you can take care of each other for years to come.  You and your current girlfriend are incompatible.  Be realistic.

 

 

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16 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

You wouldn't be throwing your money away on couples therapy.  I highly recommend it compared to forums on the Internet.  Seek real professional help.

You and your girlfriend are mismatched.  She needs to be with a health buff; a guy who's into physical fitness and diets just as much as she is.  Be evenly yoked.  Birds of a feather flock together.  Be with alike minds. 

You took a misstep when she was still mourning the loss of her dog.  (I'm a dog lover and lost my beloved Golden Retriever 2 years ago.)  Your conversation with  her trailed off to another direction.  It sounds like you didn't do it on purpose and instead of blowing up at you, she could've addressed your oversight gentler.  You have to give her attention otherwise she feels disrespected, takes offense and an argument ensues.  In order to have a relationship with her, you can't "forget" what she says or how she describes her feelings to you.  Also, don't change the subject and have the conversation move in another direction.  Stay on track even if you didn't do it on purpose.  Be mindful of this. 

I'm married and I appreciate it whenever my husband stays on the subject with me.  I appreciate his consideration if I were to express my feelings even if it's painful and negative.  That's life and with relationships you have to feel for the other person when they're sad, stressed or anxious.  It's not, "Here take a pill for it."  That is not the instant, convenient answer.  Work on having empathy.

Regarding physical health and habits, I can relate.  I'm into health and fitness and I want my husband to be on the same page with me.  Having one healthy person in the relationship and another person who is unhealthy, indifferent or ignorant regarding health and exercise means there are problems down the road.  The healthier person is energetic, strong and industrious whereas the unhealthy person with unhealthy, lazy habits eventually becomes a drag.  They're a drag because eventually they tend to become sickly sooner, succumb to premature hypertension, diabetes, debilitating arthritis and heart disease; all of which are killers.  The healthy person ends up becoming the unhealthy person's caretaker or the unhealthy person can't keep up with the healthy person's pace. 

The healthy person has to slow down or leave the unhealthy person at home for outings, plans, activities and the like.  Both of you can't do things together because the unhealthy person doesn't have the stamina of a healthy person. 

Meal prep is a pain.  I don't want to cook two separate meals for everyone.  We all eat the same thing so meal cooking and preparation are more convenient.  We grocery shop for the same food which is healthy.   

Granted, you can't control your genetics.  However, you can improve your lifestyle not for her but for yourself if you wish to live a longer life than your ancestors and decrease current and future health problems. 

If you can't and won't agree to be conscientious about your health, then be with a woman who is just like you with all due respect.  Be with a woman who shares your same or similar health habits and lifestyle.  She will not complain about your choices and you will be happy and satisfied that she is the same as you in every way.  Also, both of you can take care of each other for years to come.  You and your current girlfriend are incompatible.  Be realistic.

 

 

What is meant by "unhealthy" though? There's a difference between unhealthy and gym junkie and "health nut". To me actually unhealthy is someone who eats mostly junk food or takeaway and hardly gets off the couch type thing. Even people who are chubby are not necessarily actually unhealthy. People can just have a slow metabolism and bad genes. I don't see anything that this guy is actually properly unhealthy or overweight. He actually lost a lot of weight before. 

Also look at his girlfriend's comments. She said she'd leave him if he gained some weight. That's very extreme and I wouldn't be with someone who said that. As we get older, our metabolism gets slower, we get wrinkly, saggy breasts, saggy gut, etc. If someone will run away the minute their partner gains some weight then to me that's shallow. Growing old together means you grow old with them as a person, not their body size.

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I don't think counseling helps incompatibility.  To be honest.  Some of the things you mention are not things you actually want to change.  If you don't want to change, it's really hard to change.  We can love people but that doesn't make them our match. 

What are some of the reasons you guys are happy together?  What do you enjoy together?  Lust, physical attraction and the desire to be in a relationship can carry us through the beginning of a relationship.  It's fun, exciting, feels good and we're enjoying ourselves.  Even our loved ones are getting excited for us.  We're all in.  All about helping, loving and supporting the other person. It's intoxicating to say the least.  So we turn a blind eye to red flags, incompatibilities; deal breakers become things we try to compensate for and negotiate with ourselves to save the relationship.  

But.... then we settle in and there needs to be more substance.  Commonalities, goals, values, having our needs met, too.  So in the beginning maybe you guys seemed more compatible because you were losing weight, feeling good, into that life.  But now you are not and she still is.  

She could just be a highly driven, motivated person.. which makes sense for someone studying to be a doctor.  That is not a career, as much as it is a life.  

The comments about not caring about what she says or talks about.  Are these true?  Do you have a hard time staying focused on her?  If you have sleep apnea, you don't get enough oxygen.  That could make you foggy.  She could be realizing, you are not that healthy.  Not like when she met you... working towards a healthy life, losing weight, into the same things she is.  Unfortunately, 33 is young to be on a cpap machine.  Bad knees, if not addressed can lean to surgeries in the not so far off future.  Is that what she wants?  Does that support the life she wants?  

Obviously, this is an anonymous forum and I have no idea about you... but I will say taking care of your health and being supportive about the things that matter to me, are important compatibility factors, to me. So I can see the concern.   I have great friends that are not as focused on health as I am.  They drink regularly to excessive, they love to eat fun, but unhealthy foods.  They have a great time together and they are happy!  And I don't begrudge people that choice, but my partner?  I am probably more discerning. I want us to be on the same page... Even more so if we were to raise children together.  

I would consider why you want this relationship to work.  Really ask yourself what are you getting out of this.  And if you want to continue.  If you do, what are you going to do to be a healthier more supportive partner?  If her lifestyle isn't really for you, you can't seem to be able to remember the things she talks about and you don't think these things are problems....   Maybe you are better off apart.  

 

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3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

What is meant by "unhealthy" though? There's a difference between unhealthy and gym junkie and "health nut". To me actually unhealthy is someone who eats mostly junk food or takeaway and hardly gets off the couch type thing. Even people who are chubby are not necessarily actually unhealthy. People can just have a slow metabolism and bad genes. I don't see anything that this guy is actually properly unhealthy or overweight. He actually lost a lot of weight before. 

Also look at his girlfriend's comments. She said she'd leave him if he gained some weight. That's very extreme and I wouldn't be with someone who said that. As we get older, our metabolism gets slower, we get wrinkly, saggy breasts, saggy gut, etc. If someone will run away the minute their partner gains some weight then to me that's shallow. Growing old together means you grow old with them as a person, not their body size.

"Unhealthy" is self explanatory.  It means just that:  Unhealthy.  There is no fancy way to say it.  An unhealthy person doesn't have to eat junk all day and remain a couch potato in order to have a habitual, unhealthy lifestyle.  An unhealthy person can be chunky while not prioritizing the importance of consistent goal-oriented health, weight loss or maintenance, improved blood test results and a conscientious lifestyle.  A lackadaisical lifestyle will catch up with a "I couldn't care less" attitude sooner or later. 

Metabolism can be constantly revved up and physique will remain toned if you put forth the effort to maintain your overall fitness level and diet routine.  If you don't want to be reminiscent of the general mainstream population, then you have to obviously do something different in order to break the mold.  Addressing health requires daily effort and if it's concerted effort between two partners, all the better.  Two healthy people can relate better as opposed to one healthy person who is trying to be healthy vs. an unhealthy person who chooses not to bother due to lack of self discipline and because it is too much work. 

Grocery shopping and meal prep are easier when two healthy people eat the same meals as opposed to cooking two separate meals in order to accommodate either the healthy or unhealthy person's choices.  It saves time to cook for two instead of cooking separate meals. 

They're not married yet.  Therefore, it's easier to bail now than later especially with legal commitments in place. 

Growing older can be either a joy or a burden dependent upon who eventually takes care of whom as  caretaker.  It would be inconsiderate to make a healthy person feel resentful should she end up taking care of her ailing boyfriend or husband due to his years of ignorance, indifference and neglect.  Or, in other cases, it can be the other way around if a husband or boyfriend ends up taking care of his unhealthy girlfriend or wife if she didn't care about her sloppy health. 

As previously reiterated, the healthy girlfriend should be with a healthy boyfriend who has fitness and diet as part of his lifestyle.  They can relate and have more in common.  The OP, DonRocko would be happier with a woman who shares his similar lifestyle and choose a woman who is not picky when it comes to fitness and diet.  A different woman would have nothing to complain about regarding DonRocko's daily, lifelong preferences because she is the same as he is in every way.  Opposites do not attract. 

Also, DonRocko admitted that conversations with his girlfriend regarding her sadness (dog's passing), anxiety, stress, etc. tend to trail off into another direction and he admitted that he "forgets" what she told him.  DonRocko is better suited to another woman who does not place importance upon changed subjects and his forgetting what she told him. 

Seeking professional couples counseling certainly cannot hurt and I highly recommend it.  It's better than seeking advice from a bunch of strangers on the Internet. 

 

 

 

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Keep in mind, many times, sleep apnea and needing a CPAP machine is due to weight gain.  Weight gain often times results in hypertension (narrowing of the arteries), debilitating arthritic pain (such as joint pain from extra poundage at only age 33 which will only grow worse over time), diabetes, fatty liver disease and heart disease.  Not maintaining fitness and a diet regimen will catch up with you eventually if not now.  You can't undo damage.   You'll have to rely on prescription medications and play catch up if you're serious about changing to a healthy lifestyle, that is. 

Good health is about lifestyle choices and prevention.  Good health requires diligence. 

Be with a different woman who shares what's important to you, who shares your lifestyle regarding lack of seriousness with fitness and diet.  Be with a woman who doesn't mind conversations with changed subjects and your forgetting what she told you.  This type of woman is better suited for your personality.  Let your girlfriend be with a man who shares her fitness and diet lifestyle.  Let her be with a man who stays on track with the conversation and doesn't forget what she told him. 

You're not married so it's easier to be with a compatible partner now than later. 

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Sorry but she is not the one for you and you are not the one for her, if there is a one for her.

Yes it would be a waste of time and money to seek couples counseling.  6 months!!!  This relationship is fundamentally mismatched.  I don't know how you made it to 6 months. 

  You are old enough to decide for yourself that breaking up is what is best for both of you.  You can be the best version of yourself but you will be the person setting the height of the bar not someone else and she can find Mr. Perfect or some guy she can mold into her idea of Mr Perfect.

  She isn't trying to get you to change, she is insisting on it.  Be this person, agree with me on everything or I will freak out on you.

I am sure she is super attractive with a hot body but come on how long can you take this?

Lost

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Well in my opinion there are varying degrees of health and lifestyle. There are people who go to the gym many times a week, eat really healthy, maybe even follow certain diets like paleo or keto.  Do intermittent fasting, things like that.

There are also a lot of people who are middle ground, so to speak. They cook reasonably healthy meals and maybe go for walks or go for a jog occasionally. But they don't follow any specific health diets and don't go to the gym and stuff like that. Once in a while they might eat frozen meals and treat themselves to a cake, eat out, things like that. In my opinion it doesn't make them unhealthy if overall they eat well and do some exercise. A lot of people who live like this have completely normal blood tests and medical tests. They might even be chubby but still have good overall health. To me it sounds like the man posting is living that middle ground lifestyle. 

I don't understand why some people are commenting he's unhealthy and all this stuff. Especially if you never met him in your life and you don't actually know him. He said his weight is in the normal range. In my opinion it's acceptable to just be normal, not everyone has to be super slim or have a six pack. 

I would readily date a man like OP and even an overweight man. I don't judge people by their size. 

I agree though that having the same values and goals in a relationship is very important. It sounds like you're not really the right man for your girlfriend because of her own beliefs. But she's trying really hard to "make" you the right man, according to her. That's not how relationships work. If someone wants a certain type of person then they need to find someone who is like that already. E.g. someone religious to find someone of their own religion, a vegan to find another vegan, and so on. It's not anyone's right to tell anyone else what to eat, how to live their life. And I'm sorry to say but she is not actually a real doctor yet so she has to get off that high horse that she knows everything about health. She is a student! Unless she's worked as a qualified doctor for at least a few years, she needs to stop acting like she's your actual doctor and she's giving you all this advice. She shouldn't be giving strict advice to anyone because she didn't even finish her degree yet. 

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If you two do not agree upon healthy lifestyle choices and if you're uncomfortable with having to change for her and not yourself, then she's not the one for you. 

Both of you have conversation style differences.  Subjects change and trail off into another direction AND you forget what she told you.  Be with a woman who doesn't mind changed subjects and your forgetting what she told you.  This won't be an issue then. 

If you wish to salvage this relationship of 6 months, then seek a professional couples counselor or therapist.  If you realize that you two have too many fundamental differences, don't waste anymore time and energy on each other and part ways. 

Both of you need to be with people who are similar in habits and either a healthy or non-healthy or average lifestyle.  Then both of you will be happy and will have an optimal, peaceful relationship.  Until then, both of you will argue and never resolve your differences. 

If you want to be average and / or chunky, that's your prerogative.  If she wants more such as a fastidious fitness and diet regimen, she is better suited to a man who shares her same views, habits and long term lifestyle. 

 

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The way she approaches it with him is rude, condescending, and a desire to be right rather than to be close -and all this in the first 6 months?  I shudder to think if this is her best (skinny, athletic) foot forward then what next??  She will find another compulsive person like her and they will either be like oil and water or perfect couple depending on how they interact on health/fitness issues.  It is nothing to do with her field at all.  It's her.  Her personality.  And my guess is she has an eating/body image disorder so she's projecting on him.

I'm neurotic about my daily workout.  Been working out regularly since 1982.  My husband accommodates my "need" to work out daily if needed (meaning child care/schedule wise) but I never ever ever project onto him that he should do the same.  Or on any of my friends and fitness is a huge topic of conversation especially now with the pandemic.  In fact I hide it from certain friends because they're very sensitive about their bodies/fitness level and no matter what I say could come across with the wrong impression like a comparison or suggesting they do the same.  i don't need to be right (and I am right to the extent that fitness is essential especially in middle age like we are) -I want to be close, caring, thoughtful tactful -top priorities over coming across as telling someone how to treat their bodies particularly if they have not asked me.  

She doesn't care about his health or fitness -or if she does it's way way under her desire to control and be right and be with someone who looks and acts precisely as she wishes.  Um, no.  Counseling would be a waste-she'd never see it that way is my best guess.  With rare exception of course -anything is possible.

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6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If she is really studying medicine (at 33?) she would make one seriously scary doctor.😱

Yeah probably call the patient after the appointment and yell down the phone: "Did you take your medication???!!!" Lol 

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Ugh! I can’t stand the “I know what’s best” attitude. For the first time in my personal life I’m doing good with weight loss because nobody is breathing down my neck! 
 

OP congrats on the 40 pound weight loss! I’m sorry that she’s trying to turn you into a stepford boyfriend.  I think if I were you, cut your losses with her. She’s the type that will never be happy with anything less then her opinions being right. 

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You're not married so it's easier to dissolve the relationship with your girlfriend and besides, if you're having issues with her about health and lifestyle at only 6 months in, she is not your long term partner. 

Regarding professional couples counseling and therapy, this is your and your girlfriend's discussion and decision.  Only you and your girlfriend get to decide if making an appointment is the direction you two want to go.  If seeking professional help seems futile, then don't do it.

Your girlfriend shouldn't tell you nor expect you to contort to her daily health regimen nor should she accept how you are if you two have choices to be with someone else who is more compatible and agreeable.  You two are free to go and no sense hanging onto each other if you'll never agree to either accept, compromise or adapt to each other's health, wellness and personal lifestyle changes or non-changes. 

At age 33, you already need a CPAP machine, have arthritis in your knees and have no qualms eating convenience type frozen food.  You're young, need your CPAP, you have knee joint pain and your diet is not as strict as your girlfriend's.  Because you're only 33 years old, you still have your youth as your strongest ally.  However, your youth will only go so far before years whiz by and more ailments, aches 'n pains and sickness will catch up with you with a vengeance.  Time is not kind.  🙁 If you were 43 or 53 and needed a CPAP, have osteoarthritis and continued to eat convenience type food, then your health will deteriorate at an accelerated pace.  This means if you're with a long term partner or married, the healthier person ends up playing your nursemaid and who wants that?  That's the harsh reality check which no one wants to look at nor discuss because it's an uncomfortable and all too real scenario.  Unfortunately, it's inevitable eventually; not necessarily now or in the near distant future but at some point down the road, it becomes a taxing life due to years of lackadaisical indifference and neglect.

I don't think it's right for your girlfriend to try to control you because your preferences are your right to live how you wish.  Having said that, your girlfriend also has the right to be with a man who shares her similar viewpoints, perhaps exercise together, cook and prepare healthy meals together, enjoy dining out and making smart food choices.  These types of couples enjoy being in lockstep as they relate so much better for obvious reasons.  You should be with a woman who can share your lifestyle so there are no complaints to be had from either one of you.  Both of your activities or inactivity levels are the same, you both eat the same food, you'll both take care of each other in sickness and in health and it's all good.  Everyone is satisfied. 

Don't force a relationship with your girlfriend when there are endless arguments regarding how you should take care of your body.  She will never agree and be satisfied with how you are so don't be with her.  Both of you will fare better with a compatible, relatable partner whom you have more in common with.

Also, let's mention that the subject is changed whenever she expresses her feelings of concern to you such as sadness, angst, stress, for example, her grief over her beloved dog's passing.  Then the conversation has a changed subject AND you've admitted that you "forget" what she told you.  No one likes that.   If you do this habitually, both of you do not communicate effectively and need to either work on it or call it quits altogether. 

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