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What should I do with this girl?


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So im after some advice..   I've been talking to this girl since early January, everyday texting,  we video call sometimes and its been so easy and the attraction and flirting was there. We met up for the first time last week, it went great, connection and had a kiss.  I stayed with her on the weekend and again it was great, we had a lot in common, fun, sexual chemistry was there..  even had sex which was great. The next morning again we were flirty, was easy and enjoyed our time together and she said she would ask her boss for time off the next weekend to see me. She is 30, 31 in April and im 30 in July.  We live 50 minutes apart.     As I got home yesterday she seemed kinda distant than what she usually is through text, however i do know she was out with a friend on a walk and had a skype call with more friends yesterday night so she kinda was busy.  She did text a bit and it was a bit flirty but not much was said. I dont know maybe this is me being paranoid due to bad past experiences ive had with girls...  or is she fading away?  she has always seemed mature and genuine to me and she would say she would put people straight if she wanted to tell them something.  Am i reading too much into this?  shall I just remain calm, not ask her if she managed to ask her boss for the weekend off to come to mine?  I've normally felt like girls dont like going out with guys younger than them..  ive not been needy at all with her, im keeping it cool..  im not going to keep instigating text if i dont get effort from her side.

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oh and to add one of her texts yesterday was to say thank you for me coming over as she really did enjoy our time together... its just odd as its not like her to not message or be distant... but who knows,

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21 minutes ago, ldp0817 said:

shall I just remain calm, not ask her if she managed to ask her boss for the weekend off to come to mine? 

It seems like she's interested so yes, calm down and avoid getting pushy, clingy or needed. If she can see you this weekend, she'll tell you.

 Are you exclusive? have you expressed that or are either of you still talking to/meeting others?

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Posted (edited)

We havent got a label as such.. I remember her telling me one guy wanted her to be his gf after like 2 weeks and that totally put her off. So were just seeing how it goes, she did tell me she isnt talking to any other people and im not either, she doesnt want to put too much pressure on something and just see how it goes.  I just find it odd how it feels different, i messaged her earlier to say good afternoon and she replied saying hey hows your day going!  so its like small talk crap lol       im not going to ask her to come over again as she knows my intention of that i want her to.  But she also knows that i need to have an answer if shes coming or not so i can book it off work myself.  So is the best thing to do leave it until she tells me? 

Edited by ldp0817
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Just be clear with her and keep the convo/text simple. Say: "I hope you're having a great day so far. I need to book time off from work if you are coming over. Could you let me know by the day, March X?" 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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6 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Just be clear with her and keep the convo/text simple. Say: "I hope you're having a great day so far. I need to book time off from work if you are coming over. Could you let me know by the day, March X?" 

Yeah she knows I want to know this as we talked about it yesterday when we were with each other, I dont want to act needy so I think I'm just going to leave it and not even mention it. 

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Good plan. Take your time getting to know each other. She'll show herself for what she is too in making these plans with you. You may be a very organized person and she may not or do things last minute. You'll figure out whether you're incompatible over time. 

Now's the time while dating to observe these ways of doing and thinking and see whether someone is right for you. See how things go. 

 

 

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You mentioned you didn't have a label.  I would hope not.  You've merely been communicating with her and met her one time.  

I would take a step back and seeing that you've reached out to her and she seems a little distant, give her a chance to meet you half way.

Things either move forward at this point or it's been decided it's not a match.  Be prepared for both. 

You are asking what to do?  You can't do anything to control her end.  You just need to be patient and see how this plays out.  In the future if situations like this make you feel vulnerable and lead you to overthinking, consider keeping the dates shorter and postpone having sex until you really know someone.

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I don't get where you feel she has changed much?

You two finally met & had a good time together, so things dwindled down a little- but not totally.  That's fine.

For you to be affected due to your past?  Not so good, as you're now back in that mode.

As for the age question?  You're the same age.  Is not like you're 25 and she is 35.

 

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41 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

I don't get where you feel she has changed much?

You two finally met & had a good time together, so things dwindled down a little- but not totally.  That's fine.

For you to be affected due to your past?  Not so good, as you're now back in that mode.

As for the age question?  You're the same age.  Is not like you're 25 and she is 35.

 

Its changed in the way that the communication feels different and offish to what it usually is... normally she would message me more frequently...   never leave me on read on whatsapp. Whereas now she has, tomorrow i will leave her to message me first.. i asked her today if we could facetime tomorrow instead of wednesday as i will be busy with work on wednesday and she said oh well youre in luck as i was supposed to chat to my friend but shes cancelled on me.. i replied and then she left me on read.. i dont know it could all be me but i just get this weird feeling..  see what happens.. like i said i have not asked about her coming over on sunday and i wont as she knows i expect a decision. 

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Be careful not to text-tether or smother anyone.

Oh I know, i dont smother...   im just saying the chat/frequency feels offish today to what it usually is with us. Mixed with being left on read to which I not usually am and her not giving me an answer if shes staying on sunday.. it adds to the weirdness. It makes me think that maybe shes confused or whatever.. but she seems to have agreed to facetime me tomorrow evening so wel see..  

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7 minutes ago, ldp0817 said:

. normally she would message me more frequently...   never leave me on read on whatsapp. Whereas now she has, tomorrow i will leave her to message me first.. i asked her today if we could facetime tomorrow instead of wednesday as i will be busy with work on wednesday and she said oh well youre in luck as i was supposed to chat to my friend but shes cancelled on me.

Okay, then leave it alone now.. See if she contacts you to chat.

Sounds like she has agreed on tomorrow, see if it happens.  Don't you be the only one to reach out.

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1 minute ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay, then leave it alone now.. See if she contacts you to chat.

Sounds like she has agreed on tomorrow, see if it happens.  Don't you be the only one to reach out.

Yeah im not going to message first tomorrow.

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  As I got home yesterday she seemed kinda distant than what she usually is through text, however i do know she was out with a friend on a walk and had a skype call with more friends yesterday night so she kinda was busy.

She was busy and has a life away from you. Dont smother her, start doing things apart from waiting for her to text you!

 

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56 minutes ago, shellyf62 said:

  As I got home yesterday she seemed kinda distant than what she usually is through text, however i do know she was out with a friend on a walk and had a skype call with more friends yesterday night so she kinda was busy.

She was busy and has a life away from you. Dont smother her, start doing things apart from waiting for her to text you!

 

I understand that.. but its like today shes been different to what she is usally like and when she said she had an easy day you know it seemed weird...  i get what youre saying though...     and i suppose me waiting for her to tell me if she can get that day off is making me overthink.  

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14 minutes ago, ldp0817 said:

I understand that.. but its like today shes been different to what she is usally like and when she said she had an easy day you know it seemed weird...  i get what youre saying though...     and i suppose me waiting for her to tell me if she can get that day off is making me overthink.  

There could be a million & one reasons why she is a little quiet...work, health, family, etc etc.

Go & do something fun & forgot about your phone. She will message you when she is ready!

 

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2 hours ago, shellyf62 said:

There could be a million & one reasons why she is a little quiet...work, health, family, etc etc.

Go & do something fun & forgot about your phone. She will message you when she is ready!

 

I get that, im just basing on things thats happened to me before when youre in a routine and then it weirdly goes off... and something just doesnt feel right. It usually goes one way.. we arranged to facetime tomorrow.. im thinking of just asking at some time in the call if she managed to get next monday off, if she says no i can always say i can easily come and see you again if you want.. if she says no or that she will let me know i will say ok thats fine and i then know shes not interested and just give her space and mirror her actions...   

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14 hours ago, ldp0817 said:

We havent got a label as such.. I remember her telling me one guy wanted her to be his gf after like 2 weeks and that totally put her off.

Yet she spent the weekend and slept with you the very first time you met each other.  Of course that's a personal choice, but do you feel her actions match her words?

My guess is she's not out to pursue anything serious.

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Hi, I hope this helps. A piece of advice I was given by a close friend as I too know what you mean about patterns and worry if someone is slow fading, my friend told me this:

Even if they are fading there’s nothing you can do to stop it unfortunately. You just live each day the way you want, you go about your life for you. If someone wants to be in your life they will be in your life.  If not, nothing wasted except worry. 
 

I think you just now sit back and let things happen the way they should. If she’s interested she’ll let you know about the weekend 

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Things change.  When you first started talking it was one way and then it became more comfortable for each of you then it changed again.  You both were relaxed and interested enough to flirt and be playful and that was a change.  You spent a lot of time together and had sex on top of probably way to much texting.  There comes a time when the newness of getting to know someone and learning about them naturally slows down the conversations.  Just relax.

You mentioned that she had talked to a few friends.  Those friends may have told her to slow it down a little.

  In the end I totally agree with limichelle, there is nothing you can do if she is losing interest and is fading away.  If she is then she is.  You aren't going to change her mind texting her asking why she SEEMS to be acting different.

Relax, stay busy and if you don't hear back from her (assuming that you were clear that she needs to let you know if she can make it so you can talk off work) then go about your life and work.

Just in case spend extra time cleaning your place up really nicely.  Clean sheets, vacuum, dust, clean out the fridge and clean the windows.  You want to make a good impression and if she bails, hey at least your place is nice a clean!

Lost

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10 hours ago, ldp0817 said:

I get that, im just basing on things thats happened to me before when youre in a routine and then it weirdly goes off... and something just doesnt feel right   

Unfortunately it seems like you may not be ready to date if you're dragging your past into this that much and starting to sabotage what seems like a good thing by acting possessive, clingy and needy.

So what if she can't make it? You'll survive. She may have other plans. 

Edited by Wiseman2
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7 hours ago, limichelle said:

Hi, I hope this helps. A piece of advice I was given by a close friend as I too know what you mean about patterns and worry if someone is slow fading, my friend told me this:

Even if they are fading there’s nothing you can do to stop it unfortunately. You just live each day the way you want, you go about your life for you. If someone wants to be in your life they will be in your life.  If not, nothing wasted except worry. 
 

I think you just now sit back and let things happen the way they should. If she’s interested she’ll let you know about the weekend 

Thank you for your advice, I have not mentioned anything to her about acting different...  we are supposed to facetime tonight, if we do at some point I will ask if she managed to get the day off. If she says no (which i suspect she will since she hasnt mentioned anything about meeting)  then I will say sure, thats fine... you do know i can always come to you for the day then go home. If she dismisses that idea i will then leave her to it and not mention meeting up again. 

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15 minutes ago, ldp0817 said:

 I will ask if she managed to get the day off.

If she says no  then I will say sure, thats fine... you do know i can always come to you for the day then go home. 

Why are you so extremely overeager to get her there? Do you have any specific plans or just a hangout and sex? Did you even invite her for anything worthwhile?

 She doesn't need your permission or ok to not see you. Even then, you offer to smother, cling, etc. by inviting yourself for the day? 

You've got this entire algorithm and dialogue in your head replete with catastrophizing that because she hasn't mentioned it yet, that she will not be able to make it. 

 

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