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Narcissist discard


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9 hours ago, Mel11 said:

I am having really bad anxiety today and would appreciate hearing some happy thoughts if you care to share. Thank you

Do you like guinea pigs and sloths? They're so cute. When I'm sad I love looking at pictures of baby sloths lol

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Change. I miss the person I thought he was. The person he portrayed himself to be in the beginning. The fake dreams, the nice things that I took hook, line and sinker. The person I reduced myself to thinking I should have been to appease the cultural differences. If I could have just been better, more submissive. obedient, and not spoken, took all the blame with a smile. But I could not do it. And when it is drilled into your head that you are no good, unlovable, nothing and that no one would want you, it is hard not to believe it when you have been beat down and beat down by the person you loved with you all your heart. "Just be good and everything will be ok". So I tried to be "good". I was spoken to but could not speak. If it was with a calm voice, I was still ridiculed for the content and it could have been as simple as "how was your day"? He would repeat it back " a day is a day, why these stupid questions, are you the police?" This is not the man I fell in love with but who he evolved into.  I look at pictures from four years ago and I looked beautiful. There was light in my eyes, and I am not an unattractive person. Now, I look in the mirror and I see nothing but a aged woman with her lips in a permanent frown with nothing in my eyes. All of it causes me great anxiety. I have no clue how I got to this point and why I tolerated so much. I know I cannot look back but it is terrifying to look forward as I have no idea who I am anymore. I feel like the shell of the woman I once was. It is hard to sleep and it is hard to focus on much of anything. So therein is where my anxiety lies. I do not know where the highly confident woman I once was is, or how he heck to get her back. Or why he would ever want to dim my spirit and make me feel as if I was less than and unwanted by anyone when I gave so much of myself to him and was loyal and honest. Not perfect, but I respected him even when he did not deserve my respect as in his eyes I was simply "No Good".

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8 hours ago, Mel11 said:

Or why he would ever want to dim my spirit and make me feel as if I was less than and unwanted by anyone when I gave so much of myself to him and was loyal and honest.

He was a parasite. He fed off of you. That's why you feel so malnourished and old right now.

But now you have a chance to heal and rebuild yourself.

You lack energy at the moment, but you will rebuild. You can't help but rebuild. That's what life does: rebuild.

So, get yourself comfortable and taken care of, and prepare to heal. It will happen. You will feel better.

Bar the door against this man ever returning--wear garlic around your neck if you have to!! 

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8 hours ago, Mel11 said:
Quote

 I have no clue how I got to this point and why I tolerated so much. I know I cannot look back but it is terrifying to look forward as I have no idea who I am anymore. I feel like the shell of the woman I once was. It is hard to sleep and it is hard to focus on much of anything. So therein is where my anxiety lies. I do not know where the highly confident woman I once was is, or how he heck to get her back. 

I really feel for you and I know what this is like, to feel like you - or the vital essence of you - has essentially 'died'. 

I don't know if this will help you, it's all small steps. But I found doing a 'values' list to be quite constructive. I used Brene Brown's values exercise. Copy and paste  "Understanding Our Core Values: An Exercise for Individuals and Teams Colin Breck" in to google for a useful article. (You are supposed to end up with 1 'value' but I decided I wanted 3!). It was a good starting point for me, just as a way to piece back together and reclaim who I am, what I care about, etc. 

It's a long road. Don't underestimate the small things. Sitting in silence, drinking tea, listening to your body. Remind yourself that you are in recovery.  

I hope also you are able to find some suitable professional help with a therapist you click with. That can be a long road too! 

 

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He came to pick up his belongings out front. Just some important paper work. Wasn't even going to say hi. I went out and asked why he wouldn't even say hi. He says he's been very sick and that everything was all in my head. I didn't hold back and I feel upset with myself. I told him I wish that I had never met him and that he was a horrible man. With that I locked the door and that was the last I'll see or ear from him. It wasn't necessary but I have been upset for days and that is how I feel. Now I feel guilty for acting that way. 

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33 minutes ago, Mel11 said:

He came to pick up his belongings out front. Just some important paper work. Wasn't even going to say hi. I went out and asked why he wouldn't even say hi. He says he's been very sick and that everything was all in my head. I didn't hold back and I feel upset with myself. I told him I wish that I had never met him and that he was a horrible man. With that I locked the door and that was the last I'll see or ear from him. It wasn't necessary but I have been upset for days and that is how I feel. Now I feel guilty for acting that way. 

Don't feel guilty and stop looking back.  Keep moving forward.  In your mind, say, "Good riddance!"  He actually "did you a favor" by exiting the relationship.  Look at the silver lining.  It is a blessing in disguise.  One of these days, you'll finally have your light bulb moment and realize that it was for the best that you two parted ways because you both were NOT meant for each other.  Both of you have vastly different personalities, values and characteristic traits.  Opposites do NOT attract!  You two cannot relate which is very, very common in this world.  Once you accept this concept with clarity, you won't feel mad nor sad anymore.  You'll feel numb to it which is a sign of newfound strength, toughness, resilience and wisdom. 

Edited by Cherylyn
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Thanks Cherylyn. I am feeling less guilty and the fact he confirmed something terrible to me during that brief exchange really felt I was warranted to say that. He wished me the unspeakable worst thing you can say to anyone, and that's when I blurted it out that I wish I never met him and that he was a horrible man. I just cannot wrap my mind around the fact I thought this man cared for me but at the end of the day he wanted money from me and his future is not going to look so bright. I did everything I could and he was absolutely cruel to me. The only person in his life that had his back and gave him a car and tens of thousands of dollars for him and his family and all I was told that I never did "nothing"for him. It was never enough.. But he is so consumed with rescuing his lazy unemployed grifting grown ass brother and has more loyalty to him and this million dollar pipe dream with zero capital than he ever did me. . They have failed at every venture within two years that they started because they do not listen to women that were their partners, that had the fiscal responsibility to help them. I was simply put in place for the money and the sad fact here was not there during my medical crisis. He always rented a room somewhere else during the years we were together, to run to every time there was a problem. This goes to show he was not committed and really just took gross advantage of the fact I loved him dearly, had a beautiful home to live in with me rent free with no contributions financially, as I have the means for us to have a good life and would have shared it all with him. I just could not marry him as he never came through for me during the hard times. My former husband is here now trying to keep my spirits up. Nothing romantic but cares me for me a great deal more than this jerk does. I am grateful as I have been scared at night and the things my ex said really frightened me. So my ex husband is here, not for sexual or anything like that, but as my life long friend and companion. For every time I repeat what was told to me, he listens with an open heart, he speaks to me logically and matter of fact, and said no matter what problems we ever had in our marriage, or raising kids, or our nasty divorce would he ever say I was any of the things this man has stated. He said the jerk resented me because I would not help him financially and that I had two choices. One, I would have had to marry him, lose everything I had and do everything he said, or two, run for the hills and that I dodged a very big bullet. I m going to be ok. I'm looking to rebuild my life and my ex husband is on board and said he will do whatever it takes to support me through this time. That man loves me and is my friend and we both regret the divorce but have a great friendship now and for that I am grateful. I just have been removing all of the furniture my ex boyfriend encouraged me to buy as he seemed to dictate everything even changing my decor. So today I will be putting things to good will and donating things that reminded me of him. It feels good and I am getting my house in order as I was depressed for a long time and let things go. My ex husband has offered to help me get a summer home, in my name. so I can get out of this town and into the country to heal and enjoy a summer by the lake up north. It's a major decision but one I have wanted to do for a long time that he support me with 100%. He feels I deserve it after helping him break it off with the home wrecker that ruined our marriage. He was my best friend in college, we married and had two kids that are now adults. This was part of the reason my ex boyfriend resented me, as when my ex husband had some difficulty without me in the business that we started two decades ago, I went back these last four years to help him. We did very well together but there was nothing romantic, but I did lend him money that he did pay back. I also bought an investment property that he lives in. My ex boyfriend was so mad I would not do the same for him. The difference was my ex husband would never use me for money and not pay me back and was by my side when I was sick and at the hospital. We were best friends for years and he does not drink, use drugs but does have this thing for other women. Never ever was he not forthright with me about this, but then a home wrecker like one on this forum, came in during a fragile time in our marriage and it destroyed everything. After they broke up, he bought me a very very nice vehicle for my safety and has told me while I worked for him these past four years that anything I wanted, to just buy it. Nothing expected in return as I am the mother of his kids. I cannot tell you how grateful I am for his friendship and that he is willing to move in a few days a week to get me through this, He has had not once made an inappropriate gesture towards me but we will watch Netflix, order in, and he holds me when I cry and tell him everything Ive been through. My ex was friendly with him and we would do holidays together, but my ex was concerned that this guy would not only ask me for money but him too. My EH (ex husband) was optimistic and said give me a business plan, and have my Ex wife run things financially and you will not fail. She's educated and had she not come back to help me with my business, it would have failed. She's who you meed to listen to. He didn't like that and said it would just be a loan. My ex told him he couldn't do that. That if I was not am equal partner he would not support that. That I am to be respected for my skill set and as a woman and that he was lucky to have me quirks and all. That I loved him more than I ever did him, but he can't help if I was not treated as an equal. The thing is my EH and I can talk about anything, His crummy dating life, his business, the kids, almost everything and my ex boyfriend of 9 years wouldn't even tell me how his day was. He said he was not a talking man and to call my ex if I wanted someone to entertain my stupid conversations. He was secretive whereas my ex husband never really kept secrets and had it not been for the problems in our marriage and another woman determined to see to it our lives were destroyed, and he was a big part of that, I do believe had I not pulled the trigger we would still be married. In fact, he has asked me to remarry, and my ex boyfriend encouraged that and said that if it was a money arrangement, to just do it. That we could make bank off of it. Who says these things? If you love the woman you are with why would you want them to remarry their ex for money? Both of our parents have been rooting for us to get back together for years. But, I love our friendship too much and he is on the high end of the autism scale (brilliant and high functioning) which was always a struggle for me in social situations. I do love him no doubt. The fact he is laying in. my bed now so I didn't have to be alone and scared and willing to be of whatever support I need makes me feel so grateful. I don't want a rebound or anything like that, but it feels good to have my best friend here picking up the pieces of my broken heart and redirecting me to better days ahead. Today he is letting me use his truck to take things to storage and said he could stay as long as I need to feel safe means the world to me. My daughter is thrilled as she loves our banter and laughter and that we digress into our old married roles where there is mutual respect. He is highly respectful of women and especially me for helping him save his business after the divorce almost destroyed it. I rebuilt it and we have had the best four years working together but it made my ex boyfriend restentful as I helped him financially for the best interest of all, but would not give him and his brother the same amount of money. I would have if he had respected my opinions and advice but in his world the man leads and the woman obeys. My ex husband is not taking advantage of me at all and really just wants me to feel safe and secure. He said if I chose to go back to this clown, to plan on being a doormat and at that point, the guy would be thrilled but that I would in fact lose everything. Not just y dignity but the funds I have saved for years trying to make a good life and retire early. I thought it would have been with him and for our dreams, no this grifting brother. What sucks is these last four years I worked so hard, those funds were saved to retire with him doing the things we wanted together. I had no idea he was building future plans with him and even signed a contract with no discussion with me. They will fail as they are both living on a pipe dream and it's a business that has failed and never took off with previous owners. I hate that I spent thousands of nights alone while he has worked in this bar, and me waiting at home to hear he had such a bad night and why I wouldn't ' do anything to get him out of that situation when I had the means to do so. But when I would check social media, he would be laughing, and having the time of his life there. The big shot. On one particular night before he went to work, I ironed he suit coat jacket, and brushed his hair. He is incredibly handsome. Something in my gut told me something was wrong. So I took a drive by the place he works and right there on the sidewalk he was kissing another woman. Red flag number 86 I ignored. I followed the woman in my car and introduced myself and asked if we might go for a drink. She was very sweet, an ARNP here on a conference. We sat down and she told me that he had been buying her drinks, and dinner and wanted to meet up with her the following day for. breakfast. She said "please tell me he is not your husband". I told her he lived with me and we had been together for two years at that time. She was horrified and felt so bad for me and was a real girls girl. We went to dinner the following night and she let me listen to the voicemails he left her and said she wanted nothing to do with him as she had been cheated on and was disgusted he did that to me. We became fast friends and kept in touch for a while. I confronted my ex about this and he said it was nothing more than a kiss, and had I treated him better he would have never done that. That it was disgusting I would have befriended her and how sick both her and I were. He moved out right after that, and then professed his undying love for me, so I took him back like a fool but can only imagine how many times he did this to me and why I put up with it is because I was so vulnerable and in love with him and truly believed has I just been "good" or better than he would not have behaved that way. He was always looking for a handout and keeping his options open for a woman of  means. Sadly, I believed him and he let me put life360 on his phone and check his phone to prove he would not do that again. I am certain he did as he spent long shifts at night at the bar and went to his rented room more times than I can count for some minor thing I had done to upset him. Then I would run to him and apologize and then the honey moon phase would continue. There was no trust at all on either end. Without trust there is nothing. You can have great attraction, things in common, and great sex , but if the trust isnt there forget it. This woman did confront him in front of me and said that she felt scammed as she had met me, and said  I was a lovely woman he was lucky to have me and that leading other woman on, to hurt not only me ,but to deceive them was not right and unfair and if he was not happy in his relationship to end things, not use women to feed his ego. The confusing part to me is that he was always laboring around the yard, always cooking, doing things for me, and we would have the best of times but its was always on the vacations I paid for not at home. I began to drink in excess last year which did not help matters. Lonely and with anxiety it became a crutch. He does not drink and was disgusted by this. So 5 months ago, I just stopped. Seeing the damage I was doing to myself body, mind and spirit, I just stopped by the Grace of God. Not once did he ever say he was proud of me, just that I should have never started. But I was lonely and anxious and it seemed to take that edge off. It is something I am well aware played a factor in things, but the point is I stopped and realized why I had done it. I was miserable, unhappy and wanted a vice from the isolation and loneliness. Now, I see things much more clearly and regret ever turning to that to escape my pain. God removed those cravings as did a lot of prayer and support from friends at AA. He felt neglected and disrespected that I was drinking and I do understand the part I played. Sitting home alone after work alone with no one home  until 2am I found some sick comfort in relaxing with wine. But after I quit 5 months ago, it was like things went from bad to worse and more pressure applied for money. I take full responsibility and this is not excuse but he was my trigger and I let myself go downhill so badly. I cannot risk my sobriety and never drank like that in my life and have no intention of playing with fire again. I was told I was a scumbag, been spit on, unfit (I'm 125 pods and 5'5), had no brain and that no one would ever want me the way I am. I believed these things. So I drank to numb the pain until I didn't and now have to accept the things that happened, my role in how I handled and tolerated it and move on. Thank you for your support and listening to my experience. I am grateful. 

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7 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Don't feel guilty and stop looking back.  Keep moving forward.  In your mind, say, "Good riddance!"  He actually "did you a favor" by exiting the relationship.  Look at the silver lining.  It is a blessing in disguise. 

Agree. There's nothing to feel guilty about.

17 minutes ago, Mel11 said:

I just have been removing all of the furniture my ex boyfriend encouraged me to buy as he seemed to dictate everything even changing my decor. So today I will be putting things to good will and donating things that reminded me of him.

Great idea.

 

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He wanted a reaction from you and got it. It sounds like you are focused on not seeing him ever again, but if for any reason you do have to encounter him, remember to practice the 'grey rock' technique. (Apologies if it's already on this thread!). The best thing you can do with this guy is grey rock the hell out of him if you ever have to deal with him in any shape or form. But hopefully you won't and you can instead concentrate on yourself and putting it all behind you. 

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Google "sociopath."  It sounds like the guy was a sociopath.  He used you and when he realized you were uncooperative with his scheming ways and you were no longer a benefit to him, he left which is typical sociopath behavior.  They deceive you while they secretly expect something in return which is your life, money and labor and basically entrap you.  If the victim is naive and the entrapment is a success, then your life is ruined.  Fortunately, you used your common sense and escaped entrapment which was very smart of you.  You ought to be proud of yourself because you dodged a big bullet indeed! 

https://www.agnesian.com/blog/how-recognize-sociopath

It's heartwarming to know that your EH is your best friend and has your back.  He is a good man. 

Count your blessings.  Know you saved yourself and your EH is very morally supportive. 

Know that bad experiences teach you priceless, harsh lessons which you'll never forget.  I always take bad, negative experiences and transform them into new wisdom gained.  Consider bad experieces as wisdom gained and navigate your life shrewdly from now on.  That's how I look at it otherwise you'll feel resentful and bitter for the rest of your life.  Don't allow your bad experiences with the guy to have a permanent hold and grip on your life because it's unhealthy to constantly ruminate over this.  You need to move forward and keep marching on.  Carry on.  Your life could've been far worse and you could've felt a world of regret by now.  Fortunately, you escaped and you have a chance to start your life with a clean slate.  Think positively.  Don't feel so down all the time.  It's not good for your mental state.

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