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I'm strong one minute and ruminating the next over a man I spent close to a decade with that I now understand is a narcissist. When we met, I was so vulnerable, and he was this charming, handsome gentleman that swept me off my feet. It seemed too good to be true. He would sing to me, cook for me and seemed a bit reserved, but moved in quite quickly and the intimacy between us very strong. We would hold hands and look at other people and wonder if they had what we had. We pondered how sad it must be for them if they didn't. In time, he became very secretive over the most simple things and if I would ask him to be forthright, he would gaslight me and tell me that there was something wrong with my brain. That I didn't think right. He never gave up his apartment so there were frequent orchestrated arguments to upset me, and then the devalue, discard, shunning would happen, for days and sometimes weeks until I apologized and made things right. Not once to this day, has he expressed any remorse, regret or an apology and holds himself blameless in the relationship. He would tell me the relationship was all up to me and that if I were to be "good' then everything would be ok. He has called me every name in the book, even when I tried to have respectful and calm conflict resolution conversations with him. The contempt and anger towards me was so profound, I just wanted to apologize and make things right again. But they were never right and I finally told him to leave after he was not here for me after I had a medical procedure done. He had been out of work for months, and the day I was recovering, he had ignored me all day. It was out of character for him. I had asked him later in the day "why are you here"? My thought provoking this question was how could he know that I was not well and yet ignore me the entire day. He got very angry and asked if I wanted him to leave. As if he were willing it to happen. And then he announced he would leave as he was returning to his job that evening. This was not right, as I had been supporting him through his unemployment and he gave me no indication whatsoever he was going back to work. The other painful fact is that he put others before me, wanted a substantial amount of money for me to build a business in another state with his brother. I felt it was too high risk, and his resentment towards me got even more vicious. His thought was that he would do the start up and once it got established he would send for me. Keep in mind the money I would give him would not include me being a partner or having any involvement in the business. So, he chose to remove himself and his belongings and told me that until I am willing to help him and support him, we have nothing to discuss and to each move on with our lives. I'm beyond feeling betrayed and so upset with myself for chasing him and apologizing over the years. I sit here in disbelief that the man I spent almost a decade with was planning a future with others right under my roof. I gave him money, a car, a home and anything he needed and yet he told me I never did anything for him. He is from another country and feels the women should let the man lead and that once I get that through my head things willl and could be good again. Intellectually I know I must go no contact with him. But why am I feeling as if the man I fell in love with was a poser and never existed? Am I that naive or did he just break me down to nothing? He clearly did not love me or care for me and that is the hardest part to reconcile. How could I tolerate the abuse I did and just move on like he never existed just the way he is now. He is almost home less and renting a room and stated it is better there than being with someone who won't support him and his dreams to open this business. I can't sleep and I can hardly focus on anything. I'm ruminating over him constantly asking myself if he loved me how could he leave me so many times, especially when I was sick and because I won't give him money, or as he calls it support. It's been one day since I spoke to him and when I did I was strong, but now I am not so strong and don't know how to move on. I loved who he presented himself as and I chased after that man for years. To finally wake up and see that he never loved me is excruciatingly painful. It hurts that his sole purpose in life is to support his grown brother at the expense of our relationship. He always came before me as did others he would disparage me to and tell them I was crazy and threw him out. Sorry this is long. If you have any suggestions, I would be grateful. I have made an appointment for therapy to get through this. Thank you.

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I commend you for using common sense by not acting impulsively, moving and financially supporting your ex-boyfriend's brother's business.  That would've been foolhardy and high risky indeed.   I'm glad you listened to your intuition because it was right on the mark.

Despite the pain he had caused with his gaslighting, selfishness and not being the man you thought he was, consider this negative experience as relief for you.  Now is your chance to be strong and break free  of him.  Thankfully, you don't have kids with him so you have freedom to exit this toxic relationship immediately.  Run with your freedom and release him from your life!  Change the way you think!  Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, consider it "a gift" that you can be free of him once and for all.  Now is your chance to start anew.  Instead of ruminating, say to yourself, "Good riddance!"

Don't beat yourself up about apologizing to him during his gaslighting tirades, groveling, giving him a lot of money for his car, home, etc.  What's done is done and you can't undo the past.  All you can do is become a better judge of character in the future and not be fooled by any over zealous, charming, charismatic behaviors because that type of acting is fake and phony.  Your radar will be up.  You'll know that you're no longer mesmerized nor fooled by pretentious, suspicious behavior anymore.  You've grown up.  You will become more shrewd, astute, very picky and choosy in the future.  No pain, no gain.  You won't make the same mistake twice.  You'll become more intelligent.  You'll also value "emotional intelligence."  (Google "emotional intelligence" websites; not just wikipedia.)

I'm sure you have regrets of "what could have been."  Most people do.  I know I do.  However, arrive at the conclusion that two people with different characteristic traits and values are incompatible.  (The same holds true with friendships and all relationships no matter who the person is.) In the future, you will value integrity, admire and respect very moral men. 

Let your ex boyfriend live his life, support his brother and do what he will.  Meanwhile, go your own way and consider it a tremendous relief as you lighten your burdens and load.  He is dead weight and nothing but a drag.  You deserve to have a good life and someday, you deserve to be treated with utmost respect.  Ruminate over that! 

Follow your intellect and go no contact.  Ghost, block and delete him permanently.

I'm sorry you're hurting.  Your pain will dissipate as you grow wiser, stronger, resilient and tougher.  He will become a blur as you steer yourself in the right direction towards a brighter future.  This too shall pass.  Always consider bad experiences as wisdom gained.  You are better for it.  You'll become smarter.   

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

Run with your freedom and release him from your life!  Change the way you think!  Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, consider it "a gift" that you can be free of him once and for all.  Now is your chance to start anew.  Instead of ruminating, say to yourself, "Good riddance!"

Don't beat yourself up about apologizing to him during his gaslighting tirades, groveling, giving him a lot of money for his car, home, e

Cheryl, I cannot thank you enough for your support. These heartfelt and compassionate thoughts will resonate me through the day. I am deeply grateful. Thank you so much. I love the way you posit that I should be looking at this as a gift and you are right on point. Thank you, thank you, thank you! You helped someone that really needed it today. It means a lot. 

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2 hours ago, Mel11 said:

He never gave up his apartment. He had been out of work for months. I gave him money, a car, a home and anything he needed.

Sorry this happened. How did you meet? It sounds like you were researching narcissist, however he is just a common abuser.  Research abusive relationships. Especially the magical beginning.

Unfortunately he scammed you  with charm and saw that you were ready willing and able to pay for a man out of your vulnerable place.

Your focus is on him too much. Get to a physician for a complete evaluation of your health, STDs and especially moods and anxiety. Then... Ask for a referral for Ongoing support therapy. 

You'll have to work on whatever existed that allowed this to happen as well as the effects of the abuse.  talk to trusted friends and family about the abuse.

 Change ALL your passwords. Check your credit score.  Take him off ALL accounts. Discontinue paying for anything. Car, phone, whatever. Delete and block him and ALL his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Try not to speak to him and limit any conversations too. You mentioned speaking with him a day ago.

You're realizing that you spent the last ten years with someone who scammed you and the blindfold is coming off. This is bound to shatter anyone. The further you move past this and stop speaking with him (turn to friends and family), the more you'll gain a bit more perspective about what happened. 

I like the idea of ongoing support therapy. 

 

 

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My mother is a narcissists, and my friend is just divorcing a narcissist. I know what you are going through. It's horrible. I'm so sorry how hurt you are.... feeling duped, mislead, conned. They think differently than we do, that's why it got so confusing, and clouded your judgement. You are a good person that was taken advantage of. Now that you kicked him out, he's gonna pull every trick he has out of his hat to lure you back in. Manipulation/guilt is their tool to control.

Narcissists can be very dangerous people, protect yourself. You are in control now...you have the power in your hands... erase him/go NC. As long as you block him from reaching you, he can't control you anymore. Also yes it's a good idea to get yourself professional help. Keep strong!

Edited by smackie9
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6 hours ago, Mel11 said:

But why am I feeling as if the man I fell in love with was a poser and never existed?

I think you feel this way because he was actually a poser, and not the person you thought he was. That person never did exist.

6 hours ago, Mel11 said:

He is almost home less and renting a room and stated it is better there than being with someone who won't support him and his dreams to open this business. I can't sleep and I can hardly focus on anything. I'm ruminating over him constantly

Wow, he got his claws into you deep. Don't be tempted to go back to him!

Therapy will help you. But most of all, time will heal. Take care of yourself.

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I think you feel this way because he was actually a poser, and not the person you thought he was. That person never did exist.

1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

I think you feel this way because he was actually a poser, and not the person you thought he was. That person never did exist.

Wow, he got his claws into you deep. Don't be tempted to go back to him!

Therapy will help you. But most of all, time will heal. Take care of yourself.

How does one fake love, do many kind things for someone, and then turn around and emotionally abuse them and discard them as if they meant nothing? It hurts like hell and I am in disbelief that he was just using me for his own best interest. He has no empathy at all and no friend or former lover has ever made me feel so unloved or point blank told me that I am unlovable and no one would want me "the way that" I am. I was fiercely loyal and had his back when no one else did, yet he put others before me and speaks as if I did nothing for him. Unless I write him a substantial check, only then would he shower me with the love I once knew. He has done this before. Part of me feels I need to show him the error of this and how wrong it is but he truly does not care and is living his best life each day as if I never existed. It's hard to reconcile as there were so many dreams I had and when he loved me, it was like nothing I had ever felt before. They call it love bombing and he does in fact me all the criteria of a narc. I don't know what is wrong with me in that I am having such a struggle with this. Cheryl above made some good points as you have too and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the support. I know I was not the Judy Cleaver he wanted but I run two businesses and work very hard to ensure we both had whatever we needed, but his point was that he needed the money from me to be the man and make his own money. Sadly, at the cost of our relationship which I know now is not what I had thought it would be. I guess I was waiting for him to come around and be the man I fell in love with. But to not care at all after all these years just leaves me questioning my own judgement and how my self esteem has declined as a result of all of this. I have to wait a month to get into therapy so thank you for your support. 

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7 hours ago, Mel11 said:

He got very angry and asked if I wanted him to leave. As if he were willing it to happen. And then he announced he would leave as he was returning to his job that evening. This was not right, as I had been supporting him through his unemployment and he gave me no indication whatsoever he was going back to work. The other painful fact is that he put others before me, wanted a substantial amount of money for me to build a business in another state with his brother. I felt it was too high risk, and his resentment towards me got even more vicious. His thought was that he would do the start up and once it got established he would send for me. Keep in mind the money I would give him would not include me being a partner or having any involvement in the business. So, he chose to remove himself and his belongings and told me that until I am willing to help him and support him, we have nothing to discuss and to each move on with our lives

- THIS is when you should have left and never let him back!

BUT, you being trauma bonded, kept letting him come back...

 

7 hours ago, Mel11 said:

I gave him money, a car, a home and anything he needed and yet he told me I never did anything for him. He is from another country and feels the women should let the man lead and that once I get that through my head things willl and could be good again. Intellectually I know I must go no contact with him. But why am I feeling as if the man I fell in love with was a poser and never existed? Am I that naive or did he just break me down to nothing?

- Yes, he did break you down.. One who is true & loving does not act this way.... You NEED to learn self respect and get some inner strength.. Becuase inside you know he is a nasty man!

 

7 hours ago, Mel11 said:

I'm ruminating over him constantly asking myself if he loved me how could he leave me so many times,

Because HE was in complete control.. he messed you up internallt- you are now an emotional wreck 😞 .

No one deserves this treatment. I hope you realize now?

Good for you to get into therapy - he really damaged you 😞 

Keep away from him now.. Do NOT deal with him at all, anymore.

Therapy is needed to help you  work through all of the experience and get yourself back to good.

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Nights are the worst. Horrible anxiety right now and a bit of a panic attack earlier. I feel like I was had big time. Like someone robbed my home and took things that did not belong to them. I will not call him because not in a million years would he care I was in pain..  In fact, I think he would either scream at me for crying or feel impressed with himself that the discard punishment is working. How on this earth could I have loved someone that caused me to feel this way? Am I ever going to ok after this?

I am trying to distract my thoughts but I am seriously a wreck and cannot focus on any one thing. I did not realize how bad things actually were until I started expressing them here and in my journal. Why am I so afraid of being alone? It's terrifying to me, but when he was here, I was alone most of the time anyway. It does not make sense how I feel right now. When is this going to get better? I can almost bet as I write this he is out enjoying himself and his life. Is this normal after spending almost.a decade with someone that you supposedly loved but treated like crap? What the hell does this say about me and how the hell did I get here?

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Google "sociopath."  I too was a victim of a sociopath years ago. 

Sociopaths are a tricky, very sneaky lot.  They hypnotize you into thinking that you're mighty special, wine and dine you, shower you with loads of attention, time, energy, sometimes money or gifts, they're very charming, charismatic and you are cast under their spell all the while.  They've got you fooled and you are basically their sucker.  They are the puppet master while you are their puppet.  Their primary motive is to manipulate you and manipulate the relationship into their favor as they gradually entrap you just like a spider entangling you into their web.  If you're smart and you're onto their con artist games before it's too late, then you escape by running for the hills!  If you don't catch onto their sinister, wicked ways, then you're toast and they've got you.  Their ultimate goal is to use you because now you feel indebted and beholden as their so-called "warm hospitality" was never intended to be free.  They'll use you for their monetary gain, your labor and you're always owing them favors.  There's always a catch with a sociopath so beware.  Watch your back.

Sociopaths have a "Jekkyl and Hyde" personality.  They're two-faced and extremely deceitful.  They betray all of your former trust in them. 

Make sure your radar is up.  Usually a tell-tell sign is over zealous behavior.  If some people are too good to be true, they're fake and phony as heck. 

Sociopaths' number one fear is discovery.  If you out them or call them on their evil sociopath personality, they'll gaslight you to wear you down, threaten you and make good on their threat.  😡   It's best to exit the relationship (or friendship in other cases) and sever all contact swiftly and very quickly.  Save your own skin. 

I come from the school of hard knocks.  Live and learn. 

Educate yourself in the intricacies of the ugly sides of very worldly human psychology.  Then your naivete (with all due respect) is no more. 

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You'll get better as you grow smarter and more wise.  Give yourself time.  Transform your pain and weakness into strength which comes from wisdom.  Don't get hurt.  Be smart! 

Chin up.  You'll get through this. 

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8 hours ago, smackie9 said:

My mother is a narcissists, and my friend is just divorcing a narcissist. I know what you are going through. It's horrible. I'm so sorry how hurt you are.... feeling duped, mislead, conned. They think differently than we do, that's why it got so confusing, and clouded your judgement. You are a good person that was taken advantage of. Now that you kicked him out, he's gonna pull every trick he has out of his hat to lure you back in. Manipulation/guilt is their tool to control.

Narcissists can be very dangerous people, protect yourself. You are in control now...you have the power in your hands... erase him/go NC. As long as you block him from reaching you, he can't control you anymore. Also yes it's a good idea to get yourself professional help. Keep strong!

The thing is that the only thing he does not do is try to lure me back in. I am always the one that went to him even if he was dead wrong.  He would NEVER admit he was wrong, apologize, and knows I break down and go to him as I get lonely and scared by myself. Like tonight when you realize and  thought the person who would care and protect you would literally makes you feel unable to breath. Sadly, I use to go to him just to get the relief from the anxiety. I think it is trauma bonded or something to that effect. 

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Haven't read everything but giving him any money at all would be a HUGE mistake. You don't owe him anything at all and the fact that he left you because you're not giving him money just shows how manipulative he is. I'm sure the outcome would be the same if you did give him the money - he would just leave you anyway. That's amusing he said the man should lead in a relationship you should just obey him. Yet he wasn't so gender role bent or alpha male when you were completely financially supporting him! So you can see he's full of bs.

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12 hours ago, Mel11 said:

Cheryl, I cannot thank you enough for your support. These heartfelt and compassionate thoughts will resonate me through the day. I am deeply grateful. Thank you so much. I love the way you posit that I should be looking at this as a gift and you are right on point. Thank you, thank you, thank you! You helped someone that really needed it today. It means a lot. 

You're quite welcome and thank you for your kind words.  Breaking up with him was a blessing in disguise.  I'm glad you are not blind and now you see.  As hard as it is for you to accept this statement, know that he actually did you "a favor" by treating you badly, you learned from this awful experience with him and you are smarter from now on.  Never think these types of bad experiences were a waste.  It was wisdom gained.  You learn about people and their dark sides of their character from painful experiences.  Learning the hard way is the best way.  It's not the most comfortable way but it's a harsh lesson you'll never forget.  Transform your negative experience with him into positive wisdom for yourself.  With your newfound wisdom, you will navigate yourself more wisely in the future.  Your key takeaway is that you've since become a better judge of character.  Naivete is no more.

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11 hours ago, Mel11 said:

 feel impressed with himself that the discard punishment is working. 

What is "discard punishment"?

You need to stop misdiagnosing him and start realizing you were in an abusive relationship.

 Go to a physician. You don't have to wait forever to get an appointment and start getting the help you need.

As long as you believe he cares about you and what he's doing is to punish you, the longer you will feel terrible.

Read up on abuse and stop underestimating the scope of damage you have done to yourself staying with him and the damages you continue to do by misunderstanding abuse and minizing things by assuming you can diagnose him with something as simple as narcissism.

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13 hours ago, Mel11 said:

The thing is that the only thing he does not do is try to lure me back in. I am always the one that went to him even if he was dead wrong.  He would NEVER admit he was wrong, apologize, and knows I break down and go to him as I get lonely and scared by myself. Like tonight when you realize and  thought the person who would care and protect you would literally makes you feel unable to breath. Sadly, I use to go to him just to get the relief from the anxiety. I think it is trauma bonded or something to that effect. 

This is called passive aggressive behavior. Narcissists use this method of manipulation through the use of guilt which cases fear. In cases of mental abuse...most likely you are suffering from PTSD.

Edited by smackie9
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4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What is "discard punishment"?

You need to stop misdiagnosing him and start realizing you were in an abusive relationship.

 Go to a physician. You don't have to wait forever to get an appointment and start getting the help you need.

As long as you believe he cares about you and what he's doing is to punish you, the longer you will feel terrible.

Read up on abuse and stop underestimating the scope of damage you have done to yourself staying with him and the damages you continue to do by misunderstanding abuse and minizing things by assuming you can diagnose him with something as simple as narcissism.

I agree. According to the DSM-5 he meets all the criteria, but I get your point. 

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6 hours ago, Mel11 said:

I agree. According to the DSM-5 he meets all the criteria, but I get your point. 

Many abusers do. However diagnoses imply that there is a medical condition and treatment. Which in this case doesn't matter because the goal is not to fix him, right?

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What medical treatment is there for a personality disorder aside from therapy? Curious as you sound very versed in it and I am interested. I would agree that it is not my goal to fix him. To desire remorse and regret, yes. Some abusers demonstrate that, those with no empathy such as a narc do not. 

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13 minutes ago, Mel11 said:

What medical treatment is there for a personality disorder aside from therapy? Curious as you sound very versed in it and I am interested. I would agree that it is not my goal to fix him. To desire remorse and regret, yes. Some abusers demonstrate that, those with no empathy such as a narc do not. 

Not all those with narcissistic personality disorder are abusers and not all abusers have narcissistic personality disorder.

People with personality disorders that do not cause personal despair generally do not do well, no less seek out therapy because, of course, all the stupid, crazy and little people are the problem 

There is an overlap, just like many other disorders v abuse, but not a causal effect.

Abusers do not seek remorse or regret. Those are usually ploys to continue the abuse. Called the cycle of violence. Abusers often fall more along the lines of antisocial personality disorder for that reason.

Edited by Wiseman2
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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Not all those with narcissistic personality disorder are abusers and not all abusers have narcissistic personality disorder.

There is an overlap, just like many other disorders v abuse, but not a causal effect.

Abusers do not seek remorse or regret. Those are usually ploys to continue the abuse. Called the cycle of violence. Abusers often fall more along the lines of antisocial personality disorder for that reason.

Very insightful. Thank you for this. 

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Posted (edited)

I am having really bad anxiety today and would appreciate hearing some happy thoughts if you care to share. Thank you

Edited by Mel11
was too long and winded
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