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I was seeing this guy for 6 months. The first 3 months of which we were non-exclusive and I was entirely happy just seeing him casually as a FWB. But then he told me he loved me and he wanted to be exclusive but he can't do relationships (because of his one and only cheating ex) and I naively held on. He was a commitment phobe. 

A whole 6 months passed since we'd been seeing each other and he suddenly broke it off with me one day and I found out he was chatting up another girl. Long story short, he apologised two weeks later and I forgave him and we were FWB (again) while he was talking to this girl on the side which I didn't seem to mind or care. I just liked his company and the physical aspect. 

He then realised he didn't want her and wanted me back and asked me officially to be his girlfriend. Which takes us to now a year and a half later. The relationship was great and he really did show change and would go out of his way to reassure me. He was a good boyfriend. We just broke up two weeks ago because I was starting to feel undervalued and just generally not happy in a relationship, I also wasn't sure we were compatible for a future. He has his life put together and I always thought he was too good for me. I lost myself in it and need to do some serious self improvement before I get back into one with anyone. 

Three days ago, I called him and in the spur of my emotions, I asked him if we could be FWB again but this time with a set of boundaries so neither of us develop feelings again. The main rule is that we can see other people and we don't do anything coupley or date-related. I essentially told him I'd gotten over seeing him romantically and I just wanted a physical relationship for us of course with the friends attachment to it (I said we can talk and watch things together but no dates). Was this insensitive? He told me to give him two weeks to think it through. Was this his way of buying himself time just to say no? 

And if his answer is a no, can I conclude that he's not confident to see me without his feelings becoming involved? 

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, dunkatruck said:

I asked him if we could be FWB again but this time with a set of boundaries so neither of us develop feelings again

- YOU were involved with him a good while - like you have NO feelings?

 

1 hour ago, dunkatruck said:

told him I'd gotten over seeing him romantically and I just wanted a physical relationship for us of course with the friends attachment to it (I said we can talk and watch things together but no dates)

- What do you think doing this is? *dating*

You're just going to continue to mess yourself up.

 

1 hour ago, dunkatruck said:

And if his answer is a no, can I conclude that he's not confident to see me without his feelings becoming involved?

- What about your feelings? (women so often end up getting emotionally invested before men). But, you've already been involved long enough to have some.

- Why you're going this route again? I don't know 😞 .

You need to work on some self improvement, before getting involved? IMO, you are still involved... like I said, most likely this will continue to be..messy.

 

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4 hours ago, dunkatruck said:

The relationship was great and he really did show change and would go out of his way to reassure me. He was a good boyfriend. We just broke up two weeks ago because I was starting to feel undervalued and just generally not happy in a relationship,

Girl. You are lying to yourself here. 

The relationship was good but you felt undervalued and unhappy? You're talking out both sides of your mouth, and it's probably because you're trying to justify (to yourself) reconnecting with him. There's no way you're over him romantically in just two weeks; you need to start being honest with yourself. 

Never compromise your dignity and offer no-strings sex to a guy who didn't appreciate you to begin with. It's awkward of you to even ask, it's not attractive, and will bring you pain. The fact that he needs to think about it is your clue that he isn't into this idea. 

And no, you're incorrect in assuming that he will turn this down because he doesn't want his feelings to become involved. It sounds like he doesn't have those feelings anymore. 

Just don't do this to yourself. Desperation and refusal to really let go are not cute, no matter how to try to dress it up as "FWB." This is just another way of not accepting that it's over. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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Decide what you want from a situation. Exclusive dating? FWB? A relationship?

In this case he wants to sleep around. Get tested for STDs and use condoms.

He's not  "commitmentphobic", he's just not that into you.

If you wish to prevent more headaches and heartaches, delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

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Agree with Wiseman entirely.  And yes you're being dishonest with yourself.  You're not really "friends" because he's someone you were very attached to romantically not just platonically.  I wouldn't want FWB but to me it means close platonic friends who trust each other and then realize they want to have sex when it's convenient and desirable.  As simple as it can possibly be.  Sounds like what you want is either a sex partner or you want to have sex with him in the hopes that he'll want to be with you in the future in a committed relationship.  If you really want the former find someone who has been tested for covid and STDs, use double birth control, and have sex with someone you're acquainted with in some way for safety purposes.  I mean it sounds sordid to me but I'm not sure what your goal is here.

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Bad idea. I can understand an old flame turning into an fwb as in an ex of many, many years ago (10, 20 years ago) but not this. It's only two weeks, not even two months? You would not only be lying to yourself that you're over him but devaluing yourself in the process. Surely there are other men you can see if it's just physical. Why does it have to be this man? 

Also he made the point that he has issues about an ex who cheated on him. There's a strong likelihood he'll be so turned off by the idea of you sleeping with other guys and he will treat you worse than dirt. If you think that you were undervalued while in a relationship, you will be destroyed by the way he will think or act towards you now. 

Don't do this to yourself. The combination of both your experiences in previous relationships, how you've treated each other while in a relationship and the proposition now is a bad mix. 

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