Jump to content

40 y/o man led me on. Found out he has a girlfriend.


Recommended Posts

13 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well I think obviously the majority of fault here is with the guy but I just think you need to re-assess what you're really looking for in dating and relationships. I don't actually know what you're looking for so I don't know if your own behaviour was consistent with what you want out of dating. I think if you want a boyfriend then talking to a guy, single or not, who lives so far away and it's not possible to meet and he says he won't move until COVID is over, is kinda pointless. Even if he didn't have a girlfriend but why spend all this time messaging him when you can't meet and you actually don't know when and if you'll ever meet. And because that person can't (or doesn't want) to meet, you can't really find anything out about them in real life and try to get a sense or "vibe" of that person. As you realised, online it's so easy to lie, not accept Facebook tags, put up fake pictures, do whatever you want really. Not to mention some people are just weird or have issues and they can easily hide that online.

If you just want to chat to guys and flirt and get attention then yeah talking to guys just on social media does serve that purpose. If you want to actually date though you can use online dating to meet guys or things like Meetup.com and through friends and events, etc.

The sad thing is I was not even looking to date. He just appeared out of the blue. I tried to cut him off but he wrote me a diatribe about how badly I hurt him. I think he’s a flaming narcissist. I mean he was the singer for a popular band. He even asked me why I didn’t seem intrigued by him. Like...what?? He’s used to girls just fawning all over him. 

  • Confused 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

14 minutes ago, OhReallyJan said:

I considered messaging his girlfriend but I don’t want to get anymore involved than I was. I’m recently divorced so this is all very new to me, but I’m gonna stay single.

Yes, good idea NOT to bring her into this.. IF he's like with others,she will learn of it on her own.. either way not good to react that way.

Being recently divorced, no, you would not be familiar with all this stuff that goes on out there, I presume.  But, you know now.

I agree, do stay single, with NO expectations.

Take some serious down time.. get yourself back together and don't rush into anything- especially now that you know how it can be out there.... Is never nice to lead anyone on 😞 ..

Edited by SooSad33
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 minutes ago, OhReallyJan said:

The sad thing is I was not even looking to date. He just appeared out of the blue. I tried to cut him off but he wrote me a diatribe about how badly I hurt him. I think he’s a flaming narcissist. I mean he was the singer for a popular band. He even asked me why I didn’t seem intrigued by him. Like...what?? He’s used to girls just fawning all over him. 

Wow yeah sounds totally up himself, total narcissist with no guilty conscience at all! And seems like he just really thrives on attention. The "you hurt me" thing is total gaslighting. Saying he's hurt you think he's a player. He IS a player! What the actual!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, OhReallyJan said:

Wow you are really rude for literally no reason. I am not painting myself as a victim. I am venting because a 40 year old man thinks he can game women online. Like I don’t understand why you are getting hostile because I didn’t search his name quickly enough. We have 3 mutual friends. Not even relevant. You sound miserable and bored and totally not helpful.

I do think he acted like a jerk and I’m not surprised that a stranger of any age might find it fun to sext with another stranger.  I’m surprised you are surprised.  And again you have no idea what his arrangement is with his girlfriend.  Maybe she likes to see the photos he gets women to send him.  You had the choice to check things out before interacting with him to the extent you did.  You chose not to because it was fun for you too.  I can’t relate to why you’re surprised or why you keep harping on his age.  I did write above I’m sorry you’re disappointed.  And your various versions of your “mutual friends” was confusing and a bit odd since you’re so upset about how dishonest he was. I agree with the others that you probably should make different choices about interacting with strangers. 
 

please don’t contact his girlfriend. He is a stranger. You could be in danger or hurt an innocent person for no reason. You have no idea what their arrangement is. 

Edited by Batya33
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I do think he acted like a jerk and I’m not surprised that a stranger of any age might find it fun to sext with another stranger.  I’m surprised you are surprised.  And again you have no idea what his arrangement is with his girlfriend.  Maybe she likes to see the photos he gets women to send him.  You had the choice to check things out before interacting with him to the extent you did.  You chose not to because it was fun for you too.  I can’t relate to why you’re surprised or why you keep harping on his age.  I did write above I’m sorry you’re disappointed.  And your various versions of your “mutual friends” was confusing and a bit odd since you’re so upset about how dishonest he was. I agree with the others that you probably should make different choices about interacting with strangers. 

🙄 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, OhReallyJan said:

It’s very apparent you didn’t even read what I wrote! If you did, you’d see that he lives 1,000 miles away, so we couldn’t meet ASAP. You assumed he was married, when I never even said he was. You assumed we had no mutual friends, then when I said we did, you assumed we had 1, when in fact we have 3 mutual friends. How about reading what people actually post before dishing out terrible advice?  Yikes. 

Communicating with a stranger at such a distance is a waste of time, at best, you meet up a few times a year.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Communicating with a stranger at such a distance is a waste of time, at best, you meet up a few times a year.

He told me he planned on moving back, and wanted to build a relationship prior to him moving back. I honestly think he’s stuck in Michigan with this girl, wants to move back home, but needs a place to live. He moved out there after his 10 year girlfriend gave him the boot, and he didn’t have a place to live so he got friendly with this girl in Michigan (who from what I can tell was a fan of his). Tried to run the same game on me, but it didn’t work with me. There’s a saying that goes: what do you call a musician without a girlfriend? Homeless. 

  • Haha 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I do think he acted like a jerk and I’m not surprised that a stranger of any age might find it fun to sext with another stranger.  I’m surprised you are surprised.  And again you have no idea what his arrangement is with his girlfriend.  Maybe she likes to see the photos he gets women to send him.  You had the choice to check things out before interacting with him to the extent you did.  You chose not to because it was fun for you too.  I can’t relate to why you’re surprised or why you keep harping on his age.  I did write above I’m sorry you’re disappointed.  And your various versions of your “mutual friends” was confusing and a bit odd since you’re so upset about how dishonest he was. I agree with the others that you probably should make different choices about interacting with strangers. 
 

please don’t contact his girlfriend. He is a stranger. You could be in danger or hurt an innocent person for no reason. You have no idea what their arrangement is. 

Oh I’m not reaching out to her. My girlfriend said I should, but this poor girl is very clearly in love with him. Her whole profile is pictures of him. I don’t want to get involved, I already feel awful for unknowingly coming between them. I’m out.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 hours ago, OhReallyJan said:

He told me he planned on moving back, and wanted to build a relationship prior to him moving back. I honestly think he’s stuck in Michigan with this girl, wants to move back home, but needs a place to live. He moved out there after his 10 year girlfriend gave him the boot, and he didn’t have a place to live so he got friendly with this girl in Michigan (who from what I can tell was a fan of his). Tried to run the same game on me, but it didn’t work with me. There’s a saying that goes: what do you call a musician without a girlfriend? Homeless. 

Yikes.   

Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, OhReallyJan said:

Oh I’m not reaching out to her. My girlfriend said I should, but this poor girl is very clearly in love with him. Her whole profile is pictures of him. I don’t want to get involved, I already feel awful for unknowingly coming between them. I’m out.

Well, we also can't assume that she isn't already on to him. She might not be as clueless as you think, especially if he wanted to take the chat off Messenger. My spidey-sense says she'd maybe already seen something suspicious there and questioned him about it so he had to hide your communication. She might be totally in the dark, but she also might be in a lot of denial and unwilling to see the truth. 

Either way, yes, lesson learned. There are plenty of people - of all ages - out there like this guy. The big red flag for next time is any stranger who starts sweet-talking you and making future plans and turning the conversation sexual without ever having laid eyes on you in person. That isn't what mature, well-intentioned adults do when they're getting to know someone. The obvious next red flags were the ones you cottoned on to: no phone calls, moving the chat onto a different platform. 

You perhaps didn't recognize the first warning signs that this guy was sleazy, but you'll be more alert in the future. 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 hours ago, OhReallyJan said:

I’m recently divorced, but haven’t actively been dating. I figured if someone showed up in my life I would go with the flow.

It would be best to process the divorce. 

"Going with the flow" means leaving huge voids like this. That's how you ended up in this guy's fan club sexting this complete stranger.

Make a more concerted effort to recover from the divorce. Being this lonely and leaving it up to chance is a mistake.

If you are ready to date, get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local, real-life single men.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Going with the flow doesn't mean sexting with a stranger.  He didn't show up in your life in any relevant way.  Yes, if you're out shopping or having coffee or at a museum and a handsome stranger strikes up an appropriate conversation, and asks for your number so you can meet for lunch sometime -yes go with the flow, meet the stranger for lunch in a public place.  

Here's a good story.  One of my former classmates and colleagues met her husband in the mid 1990s.  This is how.  She was shopping with her mother at a fancy department store.  My friend was absolutely beautiful and the sweetest person.  And so smart.  Anyway her mom said "you know there are all these men checking you out and you look down at the floor when you walk and you miss all of it -how about looking up once in awhile" -something like that.  Not long after she was walking alone in her neighborhood during the day.  Looking up.  Handsome man smiles at her from across the street.  She noticed him noticing her. One of them crossed over.  She figured why not.  They've been married about 20 years now.  Going with the flow with a little help from her mom.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

14 hours ago, OhReallyJan said:

I just honestly cannot believe a 40 year old man would pull this kind of crap! I’m not hurt or broken, I’m just dumbfounded! 

12 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

You're surprised they do this.. at this age?  Don't be.

There's all kinds!  Everywhere.. this was just a lesson for you.

Yup, you always have to be on guard for people like this. 

I'll never forget the audacity of this one guy that I met at my cousin's party, years ago. He approached me and we started talking. He was very handsome and charming. He made his living as a pilot, which I thought was unique and interesting. I thought, score!!

But then my cousin's friend came up to us and said, "Hi Dave. How's your wife?" I looked down at Dave's hand and saw a wedding ring! I was like, holy sht, this guy is married!! So, I found my way out of that conversation, and returned to my cousins--who had all noticed the wedding ring. My bad, I guess. But I honestly never thought that a married guy would be hitting on me.

The crazy part of the story is that the guy didn't stop when my cousin's friend called him out. Later that night, I was riding around my cousin's track on a little 50 cc dirt bike, and Dave came striding out into the middle of the track, forcing me to stop. He put his hands on the handle bars and asked me for a kiss!!! I grabbed his left hand and held it up in front of his face and said, "There's the little issue of this." And he said, "Oh, that. It's not a big deal...." like I'd sucker punched him.

Unbelievable.

This is my favorite part of your story:

14 hours ago, OhReallyJan said:

He got really upset, told me I hurt him so bad and couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to remain in contact. He was offended that I thought he was a player.....

The audacity is amazing. I think that's what almost makes these guys believable, the fact that they will actually take the lie so far...

In my opinion, this is where people often go wrong with these characters, placing trust and responsibility in their hands:

14 hours ago, OhReallyJan said:

After some serious begging on his part, I agreed to remain friendly with him, but asked that he cut back on writing to me so that I don’t get my hopes up.

Someone like him is never going to respect you or your feelings. He's going to lie and take what he can get. You have to be your own advocate, always.

  • Like 1
  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Unfortunately, this is why online 'relationships' aren't always a good thing. People online, can pretend to be anything or anyone they want to....it doesn't mean it's true.

If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, hopefully you will be more cautious and not get emotionally invested until you truly know the person. And by knowing them, I mean spending loads of time with them in person and finding out 100% that they are who they actually say they are.

Meeting family and friends will help prove as well that they are who they say they are.

Online can be a nice distraction, but it doesn't mean it's real or that the person is being honest with you.

I am sorry you had to find this out the hard way.

*keep in mind too, that even if you happen to meet someone off a dating site, that unfortunately, there are many men that are  either married or already have a girlfriend on the dating sites and they are just looking to play around.

It really is a shame that there are people out there like this, but it's a sad fact and the best you can do is take things slow and find out for sure who you're talking to before becoming emotionally invested.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I will share a story as well so you will see that this isn't a rare coincidence.

I met a man on a "friendship" site. It was more or less a site that was meant for friendships, but it could be romantic too.

This man started messaging me, told me he was single and an architect. He was very handsome, so I was quite happy to talk with him.

We messaged for weeks and I started having a crush on him.

When we started talking about meeting, he finally told me that he had a hard time admitting this, but that he did have a wife, although they were not together anymore. He said they shared a house but that they slept in different bedrooms and only lived together for their children's sake.

I was really upset and disappointed, but he kept promising that he didn't mean to fool me and that he was being 100% honest that they were only roommates at this point.

I wanted to believe that too (I did really like him!), but eventually, she happened to come into the room when he was chatting to me on the phone.

She called him "darling" and I heard a kiss between them.

I knew then that I had been completely lied to.

Even though he seemed to be so kind, so honest, successful, good looking, etc...he was nothing but a liar, manipulator and a player.

It was a hard lesson for me, but one I never forgot. 

Never again did I play the fool and was blindly believed as I once did, and it served me well. It spared me from a lot of liars. 

So I can honestly say I was glad for that harsh lesson, as it did help me to stop being so naive and believing anything someone told me. 

Also, with this man you became caught up with, it really is best to cut him loose and block him. He has proven to be a liar and cheater. He will never change. And at this point, you're only causing more pain to his partner (even if she's not aware).

Put yourself in her shoes.

 Block him as he doesn't deserve the time of day from any woman.

Edited by SherrySher
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It would be best to process the divorce. 

"Going with the flow" means leaving huge voids like this. That's how you ended up in this guy's fan club sexting this complete stranger.

Make a more concerted effort to recover from the divorce. Being this lonely and leaving it up to chance is a mistake.

If you are ready to date, get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local, real-life single men.

We had been separated for 3 years, a d only just recently finalized it. I have long since moved on. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

59 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

I will share a story as well so you will see that this isn't a rare coincidence.

I met a man on a "friendship" site. It was more or less a site that was meant for friendships, but it could be romantic too.

This man started messaging me, told me he was single and an architect. He was very handsome, so I was quite happy to talk with him.

We messaged for weeks and I started having a crush on him.

When we started talking about meeting, he finally told me that he had a hard time admitting this, but that he did have a wife, although they were not together anymore. He said they shared a house but that they slept in different bedrooms and only lived together for their children's sake.

I was really upset and disappointed, but he kept promising that he didn't mean to fool me and that he was being 100% honest that they were only roommates at this point.

I wanted to believe that too (I did really like him!), but eventually, she happened to come into the room when he was chatting to me on the phone.

She called him "darling" and I heard a kiss between them.

I knew then that I had been completely lied to.

Even though he seemed to be so kind, so honest, successful, good looking, etc...he was nothing but a liar, manipulator and a player.

It was a hard lesson for me, but one I never forgot. 

Never again did I play the fool and was blindly believed as I once did, and it served me well. It spared me from a lot of liars. 

So I can honestly say I was glad for that harsh lesson, as it did help me to stop being so naive and believing anything someone told me. 

Also, with this man you became caught up with, it really is best to cut him loose and block him. He has proven to be a liar and cheater. He will never change. And at this point, you're only causing more pain to his partner (even if she's not aware).

Put yourself in her shoes.

 Block him as he doesn't deserve the time of day from any woman.

I did block him after basically telling him to eff off. Felt so good!

  • Like 1
  • Sad 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

18 hours ago, OhReallyJan said:

I am not painting myself as a victim. I am venting because a 40 year old man thinks he can game women online. Like I don’t understand why you are getting hostile because I didn’t search his name quickly enough. We have 3 mutual friends. Not even relevant. 

You did nothing wrong, and contrary to popular belief, a man's poor behavior is NOT a woman's fault.

Unfortunately men a lot older than this are online playing their frat boy games. These days I just have fun with it all until it's not fun anymore, and then they are dismissed.

But yes, it can be frustrating.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, OhReallyJan said:

I did block him after basically telling him to eff off. Felt so good!

Next time, don't waste your breath- just block-as he won't care.  It simply shows how invested you were in him by having to tell him off.  He wasn't worth it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I suppose if you're on it the fun thing to do on social media is strike up conversations and have pen pal groups or contacts that you can talk with or have friendships with. I've never done this or been into this so I don't know what it's like to want to reach out to someone one on one miles across a country like you (someone you've never met in person before). Pen pals were a thing some years ago and I was amazed people would write to each other long snailmail letters in the post(people who had never met each other previously). I had one good childhood friend and we kept in touch through the postal/mail and later via email. Otherwise, I didn't take up that hobby finding pen pals across the globe.

This guy is shady as f- and agree also with the comment about processing the divorce. Separating was different from finalizing the divorce for me. It may have been different for you but three years doesn't necessarily mean anything if you haven't been totally free and dating/getting your feet wet much, seeing different people and well, this sadly is not unusual if you're casting your net that wide (hundreds of miles away). I think you did really well in the end and now you know better. Completely agree about dating local. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Trust me when I tell you to be on HIGH alert in the dating scene as you are recently divorced. I am serious my friend, times have changed. If you share about your divorce, or that you are recently divorced, some will see you as a vulnerable target and take advantage. I do not think it is dishonest to say that you are single if you are no longer married. If they pry and ask, you wave it off, and say let's save that for another time and change the subject.  My advice is to only open up about those feelings long after you have established trust as there are unsavory characters that see you as a dating newbie. I tried my hand at dating sites and met a few very nice people and a couple real characters. It is a good way to make friends, and get your feet wet in the dating world. But my advice is to take it very slow. Let them court you, show you their values and belief system, and eventually meet their friends and family.  In my opinion, grocery stores, friend of a friend, your single doctor perhaps, wellness centers, and even the bank, may be better options than those sites. Anything online, I just don't trust and for the very reasons you shared. Good luck and be safe. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

But this wasn't a dating site and she wasn't looking to date.  I was on several dating sites for years.  My husband was too although I was far more active -met over 100 people in person.  I screened by phone, exchanged a few emails, googled their names as needed and met in a public place in person for coffee or something casual.  I was very good at screening during the phone call.  I was in contact with hundreds of men and only met a percentage of them.  Several of my friends met their husbands and wives on dating sites.  My husband is a man of character and integrity (although we didn't meet through a dating site).

This guy acted like a jerk.  And he's not an example of what dating sites are like as that is not how they were in contact.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...