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I really want to help her.


kash00
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We know about each other for 3 years on social media. I really liked how she looks, the music she listens (I'm a musician so you know the deal). I tried ot approach her before, but she was in a relationship so I just moved on. We saw eachother for the first time in october (she says she recognized me instantly, I did too). In the end of November we started to communicate (finally), we agree on almost everything and without overreacting I think I really like her. But from the beginning she's been evasive, acting childish and changing the subject if it comes to the future, in general, not only between us. So when I confessed that I think about her and I see something in her, she told me she's not ready and that there are a lot of problems in her life. So after alwhile we stopped talking completely and I managed to heal, to understand my emotions about her and my past relationships. I did everything and at one point I really did feel great, and understood that, in all honesty I don't really need her. That I am okay by myself, and I moved on. On valentines day she contacted me, and everything was great until a point where she needed my advise because one of her closest friends told her some nasty things, I tried my best and yet again she changed the subject. But this time I was fully transparent and told her how I feel. That was the first time I saw her talk about her emotions. We talked, we sorted things out, I assured her that I won't judge her and all I want is her to be herself. Without fear, without thinking that she's going to lose me.
Because she's been hurt by everyone in her life. Her mom and dad never really cared about her emotions, never gave her the stability. And when she felt that the past relationship was toxic she tried, but at the end did what she had to. Since then her parents call her dumb, and they say that was her only chance in love... The guy was possesive, projected his insecurities on her, never gave her the freedom to have friends (she only had 2 male friends until she broke up with him).
So what did her parents do?
Invited him (without asking her, telling her, whatever) to dinner. They didn't give her a plate on the table, she was sitting on the couch watching them eat. In her own house. Then they locked them in her room to "get together" when she feels like that part of her life is over. He started talking about rings, wedding, a baby.. When she's just 20 years old...
She studies something she doesn't like. She likes cooking and colours, design, she's interested in fonts, and furniture all that jazz. Her two best friends are full blown drug addicts, and she has no choice but to leave them.

All I want is to help, to be her friend. She says that I give her stability, she feels good after we talk. We enjoyed a trip in the forest before a couple of days and it was fantastic.
I try to forget about being in a relationship for now, but I know that we are searching for the same things. I see that she likes to be with me, but she's scared of her parents. She's detached from everything and I feel trapped because if I leave her I don't know what is going to happen, but if I stay and I help her, maybe I'll lose myself... And I'm just scared for both of us.

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1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

OP, I don't mean to be insensitive, but do you have tangible evidence that all the terrible things she says about her parents are even true?

Don't worry, miss Canuck. She told me these things irl, so I'm quite certain that it's true. She looked down, she looked scared and weak. 

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't give up on dating or relationships. You just need to stop focusing on someone who's not interested.

I think she is. But thanks for the advise, if it comes to me choosing what is right for myself - I'll be brave. 

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A white knight swooping in to save the fair maiden never ends up the way the knight hopes. Take heed of what the person says, because it's a serious warning. She's not ready. She has emotional baggage. And the day she is ready, it will be with someone else because she's just not that into you.

For a higher rate of relationship success, two people will have their lives in good order. A happy life with good friends, hobbies/interests they're passionate about, and mentally prepared to be a loving, giving partner.

When two people have different relationship goals, it'll never work. She wants you as a friend and fan. You want more.

She survived without you and she will continue surviving when/if you're smart enough to cut her off as a friend. It's not about what she wants. You fear the friendship because you know you'll continue in the unrequited love, and you're right. She's in a toxic mess and surrounded by toxic people. Don't be dragged into that. And your "friendship" will have any optimal dating prospects running from you far and fast because they will clearly see you have a crush on this friend. Get out now if you have any sliver of self worth.

Edited by Andrina
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3 hours ago, kash00 said:

But from the beginning she's been evasive, acting childish and changing the subject if it comes to the future, in general, not only between us. So when I confessed that I think about her and I see something in her, she told me she's not ready and that there are a lot of problems in her life. So after alwhile we stopped talking completely and I managed to heal, to understand my emotions about her and my past relationships.

You've known her 3 years... tried to approach her but was in a relationship.  When did that end?

You know she is messed up internally - she is not ready.  She's told you this.  Believe her.

IF you can handle just being friends, that's fine but don't expect more.  She has nothing to give 😞 

One way you can 'be her friend' is yes, be there.. listen to her vent etc.. BUT I highly suggest she get in for some professional help - therapy to begin working on her issue's.  This stuff, you cannot solve for her.. this is up to her. (Same goes for her interests.. and her friends).

 

 

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It's only been a few months. If you really want to offer anyone real stability please give this a lot more time before you start believing everything she says. You deserve to take care of yourself first before taking care of anyone else. People reveal themselves over time. You don't have to push this. You seem to have got caught up very fast emotionally and it's taken over you. 

Dial back the communication with her if it doesn't feel good. You have conflict because you're torn between not feeling good and very uncomfortable with the situation (your alarm bells are ringing) and your desire to help. Dating shouldn't be a charity case or someone you pity or are so concerned for it's causing you tremendous stress. From your description I think you're impressionable and very pulled by the negativity and issues in her life. She has to figure out what to do or what direction she wants to take. 

If you are only a friend be a good listening ear but don't get pulled in. She's not ready to date anyone at all. What you're doing by dating or getting more emotionally involved is getting between her and what she has to do for herself. It'll be a bandaid situation for third degree burns. It won't work. Encourage her to be strong and seek resources for help or assistance and find the strength to move out if her living situation isn't working. Don't move in with her. 

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