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i cheated on him, he wants to fix it with BDSM


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So... on New Years Eve, I cheated on my boyfriend. I slept with one of his friends and he found out the next morning. Well, fast forward almost two months and we're still together. Our relationship has never been that stable/healthy and there has been a consistent amount of drinking involved. The both of us are a little f***** in the head... (aren't we all?) The first six weeks after it happened, he started talking to his ex-wife again out of retaliation and wouldn't stop talking to her at all, but he finally didn't a week or so ago (sending nudes and receiving them, saying I love and miss you and so on.)

Anyway, after a rough couple of months, things are starting to simmer down some. Well... he came to me with the idea of dabbling in BDSM... that it may be a way to earn back trust and open the lines of communication. I did some reading on it and while I am okay with most of it, I'm not ok with some of the things he wants me to do. Things like bending over in public in front of strangers to watch them check me out and stuff like that. I guess I'm confused as to why he would want me to do that after what's happened. That, and I'm just not comfortable with it... I only want him and doing stuff like that is just odd to me... especially given out circumstances.

Advice, please! Thank you.

Edited by doglover007
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  • doglover007 changed the title to i cheated on him, he wants to fix it with BDSM
1 hour ago, doglover007 said:

I guess I'm confused as to why he would want me to do that after what's happened.

I think you answered your own question. He wants to do those things to "earn back trust and open the lines of communication". Did he actually say that or is that something you've assumed? 

If it's something he's said himself, do you believe it? Would doing those things earn back any trust in your relationship?

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Like Rose, I'm curious if these were his words: earning back trust, opening lines of communication. 

In terms of general advice? I would start with asking a simple question: Do you love him, believe in what you two have, want it to work, want to repair the damage of your infidelity? If so, and if he also thinks so, I would strongly advise that you enlist the services of a counselor to help you guys navigate this moment. Not quite as saucy, I know, but I suspect you'll both thank yourselves later for the choice. 

As for the sex stuff? That's kind of a different thing, in my opinion, that's been conflated with this thing. If you two want to explore BDSM—well, wonderful. You have talks about what sounds doable, what doesn't, as you would with anything sexual. But whether it's BDSM, or the most vanilla of sexual acts, it should be a celebration of love and connection and mutual exploration, not an act of atonement or punishment. That's turning something quite lovely—sex—into a transaction. Leaves an icky residue, that, and is far likelier, in my opinion, the widen the rift between you two than bridge it. 

My few cents, to spend how you see fit.  

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This sounds so screwed up, toxic, dysfunctional, and unhealthy.  He only wants to humiliate you.   How desperate can one be termini in a situation like this. So demeaning.

You two do not belong together.

Edited by Hollyj
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All of this is ridiculous! 😞 

For HIM to act out like this - and want that with you- like it's not right.. but as you say, neither is he!

But, why would you even agree to any of this?  This will NOT earn anyone's respect back.

 

YOU cheated- fact.  He's an **** for thinking the way he does.

You cheated for reason's correct?  His trust is gone.

Then split up!  Why remain in a relationship YOU are not happy in?

I do hope YOU will come to learn some self respect for yourself and not put yourself through such damaging positions 😞 .

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5 hours ago, HeartGoesOn said:

I think you have a better chance of winning the lottery, rather than succeeding in making this relationship survive in the long term.

I'd throw in the towel, and take the lesson with me.  Your call...

 

Amen!

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6 hours ago, HeartGoesOn said:

I think you have a better chance of winning the lottery, rather than succeeding in making this relationship survive in the long term.

I'd throw in the towel, and take the lesson with me.  Your call...

 

Amen sister!

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13 hours ago, doglover007 said:

Anyway, after a rough couple of months, things are starting to simmer down some. Well... he came to me with the idea of dabbling in BDSM... that it may be a way to earn back trust and open the lines of communication.

That makes zero sense. 

He wants to humiliate you in public and punish you for cheating. That's what this is about. 

You need to get out of this toxic relationship. And no, we're not all "F***d up" in the head like this. This isn't normal, girl. 

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