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My GF of 5 years moved out


tjs
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She moved out. That doesn't say "indecisive" to me.

You're going back and forth between "She's my unicorn! I want her back!" and "She's a lying cheater! I despise her!" This is why I think it's good she's getting the rest of her belongings and that you won't be there. You can finally begin the moving on process. 

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2 hours ago, tjs said:

Hmm, she seemed very indecisive at first. When I pull away, she contacts me. Why do you think this?

She doesn't want to lose the control she currently has.

She doesn't want to lose the control she currently has because it matters how you feel.

It matters how you feel because there's still a connection between you from the time you had together.

That connection is rapidly fading.

Even though it's fading there's always a chance she'd come back, ex's do come back.

Even though she might come back the odds are slim and yet you have basically decided in your head that she will regret her big mistake and come back.

You have decided that when she comes back you probably won't take her back.

Your thinking is very skewed and not healthy.

You won't accept this from me or anyone else at this point but you'll get there. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

 

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2 hours ago, tjs said:

A wilting flower? What does that mean?

Meaning she's not some weakling who is going to succumb to seduction -that's a cliche, a sterotype- she may very well be indecisive.  I wrote above several times how indecisive doesn't help you at all in this situation - indecisive still means she doesn't want to be with you with all her heart and soul.

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I wasn't indecisive when I filed for divorce and moved out with the kids.  Did I have some feelings about it?  You betcha.  I was essentially breaking up our family.  I was no longer part of a "nuclear" family.  My kids wouldn't see their dad every day.  They cried, my husband cried, I cried.  But I didn't cry because I wanted to be with him as his wife.  I cried because when we married this was not what I'd envisioned.  I cried for what we were all losing.  But I still followed through because I felt it was the right thing for us.

I'm willing to bet your ex didn't envision your relationship ending this way.  She probably hadn't envisioned it ending at all.  Even though she's the one who decided to end it, that doesn't mean she's all woo hoo about it.  A relationship ending is sad.  There are bound to be feelings about it.  But it doesn't mean she will be back or is regretting her decision.

I recommend you move forward with your life with the expectation that she will NOT come back.  That way no matter what happens you'll be well equipped to deal with it.

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48 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Meaning she's not some weakling who is going to succumb to seduction -that's a cliche, a sterotype- she may very well be indecisive.  I wrote above several times how indecisive doesn't help you at all in this situation - indecisive still means she doesn't want to be with you with all her heart and soul.

How do you know? She has never been the strongest mentally. She struggles with anxiety and mood swings. She has basically become a different person since living with her dads side. Her moms side doesn’t know what is going on with her. Who’s to say when things don’t work out with this guy that she will panic and feel regret? 

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49 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I wasn't indecisive when I filed for divorce and moved out with the kids.  Did I have some feelings about it?  You betcha.  I was essentially breaking up our family.  I was no longer part of a "nuclear" family.  My kids wouldn't see their dad every day.  They cried, my husband cried, I cried.  But I didn't cry because I wanted to be with him as his wife.  I cried because when we married this was not what I'd envisioned.  I cried for what we were all losing.  But I still followed through because I felt it was the right thing for us.

I'm willing to bet your ex didn't envision your relationship ending this way.  She probably hadn't envisioned it ending at all.  Even though she's the one who decided to end it, that doesn't mean she's all woo hoo about it.  A relationship ending is sad.  There are bound to be feelings about it.  But it doesn't mean she will be back or is regretting her decision.

I recommend you move forward with your life with the expectation that she will NOT come back.  That way no matter what happens you'll be well equipped to deal with it.

Appreciate you sharing. I’m not going to wait around, even tho her mom wants me to. I can’t. I can’t be stuck in this state forever. I know that it will take a while until I am happy again, and I don’t expect her to have a change of heart anytime soon. Our relationship wasn’t very toxic, I did a poor job of handling her high emotions. As she told her friend, she doesn’t think I deserve this.

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8 minutes ago, tjs said:

She has never been the strongest mentally. She struggles with anxiety and mood swings.... Who’s to say when things don’t work out with this guy that she will panic and feel regret? 

It's possible that she took these steps into independence because she wanted to develop her own self-reliance, mental strength, and coping skills.

I think it would be better for you to hope for her success than it would be to pray for her to stumble and fall, just so that you can reject her and show her what's what.

15 hours ago, tjs said:

She’ll be back, but I won’t be.

 

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26 minutes ago, tjs said:

How do you know? She has never been the strongest mentally. She struggles with anxiety and mood swings. She has basically become a different person since living with her dads side. Her moms side doesn’t know what is going on with her. Who’s to say when things don’t work out with this guy that she will panic and feel regret? 

I'll share something else.

My ex husband said something similar except he said it to me.  I think his exact words were "You'll be back.  You won't last five minutes without me.  You don't know how to take care of anything on your own."

Well, it's been nearly 21 years.  So yeah, a lot longer than five minutes.

He had a vision of me inside his head, that I was a woman who was overly emotional and an irresponsible spender.  He thought if anything came up I would just flounder, dither and flutter my hands helplessly, looking around for someone (him) to bail me out.

Know what that made me do?  Be even more resolute that I WOULD make it on my own.  That I wouldn't look to him for help whenever the car broke down or the toilet clogged or I got lost going somewhere.  All those things happened and I took care of them myself.  

So, turns out I wasn't the helpless female he believed me to be.

She may surprise everyone with her ability to stand on her own.  And since I presume you legitimately care about her, I hope you'll be happy for her instead of hoping she "panics" and comes running back.

Edited by boltnrun
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42 minutes ago, tjs said:

She has never been the strongest mentally.

Telling you honestly and sincerely that she is unhappy and why, leaving the house, moving out, organizing her move, etc.. all reveal that she finally is getting better....and that's why she left.

Yet, you are the one ruminating, rapidly flipflopping with love, hate, jealousy, rage, unicorns, demons, etc.  So...?

Where are your family and friends in all this? 

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As human beings we all grow and change.  There is a version of her that you knew,  very well, for a period of time. 

But we all go through things and they don't even have to be huge things.  As we live, we decide what and who we want to be... 

She may well have been very weak minded and emotional.  That's common for young people in general. With guys it can be expressed as anger.  It's how each person expresses feelings. But a lot of people grow out them.

Young guys might fight a lot. As they get older they don't anymore.  Young women might cry and seek approval. As they get older they don't. 

She's changing and growing into another version of herself. You may not understand this one so well.  You may not agree with it... but that's not your call to make. 

Did she finish getting her stuff? 

It's an emotional day. be good to yourself.  can you meet up with a friend? Feel how you feel and tomorrow is a new day. 

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3 hours ago, tjs said:

Appreciate you sharing. I’m not going to wait around, even tho her mom wants me to. I can’t. I can’t be stuck in this state forever. I know that it will take a while until I am happy again, and I don’t expect her to have a change of heart anytime soon. Our relationship wasn’t very toxic, I did a poor job of handling her high emotions. As she told her friend, she doesn’t think I deserve this.

Who ever suggested waiting for anything? She ended things.  There is nothing to wait for with respect to her or the relationship.  You have no idea what her mom wants - her mom made a comment to you some time ago and who knows if she felt the same way an hour later.  You don't know because you should have zero interaction with her mom.  And it doesn't matter if her mom puts up billboards begging her daughter to take you back.  Your ex is an adult.  She has made a choice.  The end.  Please stop grasping at straws here. 

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3 hours ago, tjs said:

As she told her friend, she doesn’t think I deserve this.

I just caught this.  

So you're discussing her with not only her mother but her friends too?

I can tell you, if someone disclosed to my ex something I'd said after we'd broken up, I'd have been livid.

Talk to YOUR friends and family, not hers.

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Posted (edited)
29 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I just caught this.  

So you're discussing her with not only her mother but her friends too?

I can tell you, if someone disclosed to my ex something I'd said after we'd broken up, I'd have been livid.

Talk to YOUR friends and family, not hers.

You must have missed that part of the thread. I saw a convo she had with a friend on our computer.

Edited by tjs
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She texted me where she put the key, and also this

 

“That was extremely sad and difficult. This hasn’t been easy. Please let me know if there is anything else that I need to do or help with before the end of April.”

 

Guess that’s the end of the story folks. Not sure I should stick around any longer to get blasted while I’m emotional still.

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5 minutes ago, tjs said:

You must have missed that part of the thread. I saw a convo she had with a friend on our computer.

I presume that was many pages ago, so yes, I don't actually recall that portion.

I'm glad that's what it was.

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Of course you're emotional.  None of this is easy.

I hope you have a friend or family member you can go hang with or who you can invite over.

Don't be ashamed to admit you need companionship or even a shoulder to cry on.  Your people care about you and would want to be there for you.  They won't consider it a burden or an imposition.

Edited by boltnrun
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23 hours ago, tjs said:

She texted me where she put the key, and also this

 

“That was extremely sad and difficult. This hasn’t been easy. Please let me know if there is anything else that I need to do or help with before the end of April.”

 

Guess that’s the end of the story folks. Not sure I should stick around any longer to get blasted while I’m emotional still.

Good. Glad you have the key back. I'm very sorry, tjs. Yes, take a time out and a breather. Find some new furniture too and spend time with friends and family. Stay away from her family and friends and mute her contact so that you don't see it. All of this is a process but I think the thread fading makes sense as you move forwards.

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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