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My GF of 5 years moved out


tjs
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8 hours ago, tjs said:

Am I sick to want

I'm sorry for the past few days, though it seems they've gone as well as possible. I hope you both get to a place where you look back with fondness. 

I cut off your above sentence for a reason. There are no "sick" thoughts and feelings to have right now. Some will be jagged, others soft. Acknowledge them all, and then acknowledge what they are: thoughts, feelings, that come and go, and are by nature impermanent. If you can do that, you'll eventually be able to react to the truest feelings, rather than each and every one that ruffles the surface. 

In a version of your shoes, at around your age, I got into yoga—initially to fill some space when I was heartsick and flailing, and from there a practice to keep my own thoughts and feelings in perspective, to grow from hurt rather than be shaped by it. Surfing is another thing I do, for the same reason: every wave is different, and some instill fear, others joy, along plenty of self-doubt and fatigue. But there is, quite literally, always another one coming. Always. None I can control, much as my ego occasionally convinces myself otherwise. This has helped me in breakups as much as it does inside relationships. 

Sharing that in hopes it helps, in some way. 

I'd also really encourage you to try to meet certain sour thoughts with others. You're still creating a story here—about her lying, about this other guy. It's one way to fill the void, avoid certain feelings, and stir up an illusory sense of control. But at what cost? You are building two people—one you know, the other you don't—into boogeymen. Where does that leave you, in the story? There are ways in which bitterness becomes a choice, or the byproduct of choices. It's a sticky thing, bitterness, so worth committing to shedding when it starts to stick. 

You two worked, in many ways, until you two stopped working. Go back to sentences like that when the room gets hot and tunnel vision sets in. I'm not an astrology guy myself, but one thing I love about stars? The ones we see, many of them, are actually gone, burned out. And yet the light remains, stretching across time and space. People are like that too. 

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13 hours ago, tjs said:

It’s just too accurate tho! Lol I looked up signs other than mine, and they didn’t resonate with me at all. Yet I started looking at some of my friends and family’s signs and they were spot on. So weird.

 

As for her, it feels like I am letting go already and building up some resentment for what she did. Also that she gave up on our love when I was serious about changing and had been for a couple weeks. The changes weren’t big, and the “silent treatment” thing would be the hardest but I was committed, and she would’ve needed to be aware of her triggers too. She decided to take a leap of faith with this high status guy IMO. And if you are interested Lambert, he is an Aquarius. Not a good match for a cancer lol. Good thing it was before marriage and children, because I was planning on that. 
 

I’m admittedly not near 100% yet, but I’m beginning to see a path. Am I sick to want her to come crying back just to reject her? I feel like an idiot for swallowing my pride and apologizing, and showing my pain, making her feel as if she was victimized while I allowed her to continually lie to my face without calling her out. I can tell when she’s lying because it’s the only thing that she tries to expand on further, and it’s not even logical. She was trying to tell me what the texts I saw were, when she doesn’t know what texts I even saw. I should’ve just called her out on that bs. Cancers never want to hurt anybody, and I look back and realize she was trying to get me to break up with her all along. Oh well, would’ve felt good, but probably best to keep it inside for now 😉.

No. Not sick.  Not all.

A lot if this is just your mind ruminating and making sense, creating narratives that comfort the ego. 

I'll tell you, when you will know you have turned the corner.  when you start having those thoughts but you catch yourself and say- it really doesn't matter and then they happen less and less

We all grow,  change, go through things, make mistakes, the could have,  should have, would have....

I like bluecastle's suggestion about yoga.  I similarly got into meditation after a bad break up... changed my life.  Best decision I ever made. EVER. NO BS!

By practicing meditation, it helps not to control your thoughts; rather so your thoughts don't control you.  I can experience things and feel things but I can have a good day, too. 

 As I got more into it, I spent less time thinking or trying to figure people out and control everything... 

What comes, what goes, what stays.... none of it really matters.  Of course your goals and desires for life are important but you can only live this moment.  You're on your journey.  yours. only yours. and whatever happens or doesn't,  you'll deal with it. One break up or one relationship or one anything defines you. 

You live. you learn.  you do better next time. that's about all you can do. 

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3 hours ago, calibae_404 said:

it sounds like you should break up. She seems stressed and it's a red flag when a couple clashes especially related to careers 

Respectfully, did you actually read his posts?

She already broke up with him. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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Ok, quick little update. Haven’t talked to you guys in a bit. A few nights after our meetup where I was obviously still weak, she texts me breadcrumbs. I ended up calling her and we talked for about 20 min. I was doing a lot better and was upbeat. Convo was filled with laughs. Did some mild flirting. Asked her to come by on the weekend, she said she had plans, I shrugged it off. Probably a dumb move looking back on it. Oh well, I wanted to show I wasn’t in my feels still.

 

Three days went by NC. She texts me more crumbs about the basketball game. I ignored. Three more days went by (yesterday). She sends more crumbs about the game. I texted her awesome game. She sent a clap emoji. I then asked her if she wanted to come by to watch the game on Sunday. She then wanted to remind me she was coming to get her furniture on Saturday. I didn’t even ask that, but I got the message. NO. The next morning I said, so I take it you’re out. 
 

She said “Sorry. I just feel nervous about it. I always feel like i’m on the verge of crying when we are together. I’m just not sure if I am ready to hang out quite yet. I don’t want you to miss out on other plans.” 
 

So I’m like screw this, I’m done pursuing. I sent her this.

”Ok, no problem babe, but I’m not interested in being friends or just your text buddy. I wanna spend time with you. How am I gonna be friends with you when I still want you and desire you while also trying to meet the next love of my life? Only get ahold of me if you change your mind, have a good week. Gotta run”

I’m never going to contact her first again. I’m not looking back. I’m turning my focus on trying to become a better man. I already set up a date this weekend with someone else. I’m not looking for anything serious at the moment, just trying to have fun. I’d rather go out with someone that values being around me and appreciates my time than someone who blew me off.

 

It still hurts when I think about the times we had together, but I’ve been doing a lot of reading about relationships and how to be a better man. I really had no idea when it came to a lot of the relationship stuff, and I have grown a lot from it mentally. It hurts reading about where I made mistakes, but I had the wrong mindset about what a relationship was, and how women think. What I do know is her insecurities became so overwhelming that it just pissed me off very often. That is something that I don’t believe I can deal with going forward in future relationships. Everything else was great, but that is a dealbreaker.

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I'm glad you're going to move on.  What "mindset" about "relationships?"  Do you have close friends? Close relationships with family? Do you ever consider what your mindset is or do you just ..... live, breathe, interact? Women don't think a certain way, at all.  Women are individual people.  Men are individual people. Any generalizations are swallowed by the infinite exceptions.  Like, I'm a woman and I'm supposed to like when a man keeps me on my toes, refuses to be a doormat, etc.  Guess what, I do!  But I have friends who like that their male partners do their bidding and "yes dear" them etc.  I'm a woman and I'm supposed to like when the man is bigger and taller and strong physically.  I always went for shorter men and I married one (not shorter than me though since I'm only 5"2).

I'd find it really narrowing if I felt that the man I was with was comparing me to some tired generalization about how women think.  And as far as "mindset" of what a relationship is I think you have it backwards - the mindset should be -you want to meet a person you click with, get to know that individual person and your mindset about the relationship will be related to that specific person and how you interact with that specific person.  If you have a good heart and common sense and you have relationships in your life you won't need a particular mindset -you'll act in a way that is positive to the relationship with that specific person.    

Insecure people tend to be self-absorbed and think of themselves and seek approval. Whether they're women or men.  

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2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm glad you're going to move on.  What "mindset" about "relationships?"  Do you have close friends? Close relationships with family? Do you ever consider what your mindset is or do you just ..... live, breathe, interact? Women don't think a certain way, at all.  Women are individual people.  Men are individual people. Any generalizations are swallowed by the infinite exceptions.  Like, I'm a woman and I'm supposed to like when a man keeps me on my toes, refuses to be a doormat, etc.  Guess what, I do!  But I have friends who like that their male partners do their bidding and "yes dear" them etc.  I'm a woman and I'm supposed to like when the man is bigger and taller and strong physically.  I always went for shorter men and I married one (not shorter than me though since I'm only 5"2).

I'd find it really narrowing if I felt that the man I was with was comparing me to some tired generalization about how women think.  And as far as "mindset" of what a relationship is I think you have it backwards - the mindset should be -you want to meet a person you click with, get to know that individual person and your mindset about the relationship will be related to that specific person and how you interact with that specific person.  If you have a good heart and common sense and you have relationships in your life you won't need a particular mindset -you'll act in a way that is positive to the relationship with that specific person.    

Insecure people tend to be self-absorbed and think of themselves and seek approval. Whether they're women or men.  

I suppose the mindset I speak of is that relationships are about giving, and not expecting things in return. I am a logical thinker. I got caught up trying to “win” arguments. My pride blew this up. I shouldn’t have been trying to win arguments ever, rather approach them as a team and make her feel better.

 I became complacent. I wasn’t keeping myself happy. I was looking to her for happiness. She was looking for me for the same. I wasn’t being the rock. The lockdown took the excitement out of our relationship, and that is not an excuse for what happened. It’s my job to lead and keep things exciting. Things became routine. Our excitement/joy came from going places and experiencing things together.

We are two good hearted people. Problem is, she got bored, I became annoyed. Instead of getting instantly annoyed with her when she had an issue with me or wanted me to constantly reassure her, I should have been stronger. I let it get to me. Maybe it would’ve got to me anyway. I don’t know! It’s hard for me to gauge because I’ve only had two long term relationships. 

She is pretty much everything I’ve ever wanted. We are so much alike. Although I believe that given another chance or in a future relationship, I could keep her happy, I don’t know if I could ever get past the emotional cheating element. I would still like to spend time with her, but how could I forgive her for that enough to trust her with my heart again?

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10 hours ago, tjs said:

I suppose the mindset I speak of is that relationships are about giving, and not expecting things in return. I am a logical thinker. I got caught up trying to “win” arguments. My pride blew this up. I shouldn’t have been trying to win arguments ever, rather approach them as a team and make her feel better.

 I became complacent. I wasn’t keeping myself happy. I was looking to her for happiness. She was looking for me for the same. I wasn’t being the rock. The lockdown took the excitement out of our relationship, and that is not an excuse for what happened. It’s my job to lead and keep things exciting. Things became routine. Our excitement/joy came from going places and experiencing things together.

We are two good hearted people. Problem is, she got bored, I became annoyed. Instead of getting instantly annoyed with her when she had an issue with me or wanted me to constantly reassure her, I should have been stronger. I let it get to me. Maybe it would’ve got to me anyway. I don’t know! It’s hard for me to gauge because I’ve only had two long term relationships. 

She is pretty much everything I’ve ever wanted. We are so much alike. Although I believe that given another chance or in a future relationship, I could keep her happy, I don’t know if I could ever get past the emotional cheating element. I would still like to spend time with her, but how could I forgive her for that enough to trust her with my heart again?

Yes- so what you're writing about is stuff we all can improve -very basic, applies to all close relationships not just romantic.  I think you're making it far too complicated and that will impede your ability to make changes.  Here's an example.  I have to jump through all sorts of hoops today just to get my first covid vaccine.  I have a child, my husband is asleep.  Logistical hoops, scheduling hoops.  I love my child and today I told him when he wanted to chat about his video game that today I really had to focus on me (I actually very rarely say that especially in this circumstance) -that if I didn't focus on me I could forget something important and not get my vaccine which was so hard to find in my state.

  I didn't give to him - and I told him why.  I gave to myself and I think it was a learning moment for both of us because often when someone is distant (like I was being, focused on getting out the door and I will be signing off in a few seconds!) the other person sometimes gets needier or acts needier. 

All of a sudden he wanted to chat which is unusual at this time.  This is one basic example - and my strong suggestion to you is -get that basic, get the nitty gritty - avoid indulging in abstract concepts or dovetailing into psychobabble - get a little more focus on how you interact with others and yourself and just do basic self-talk/analysis - I felt guilty when I asserted this boundary with my son today.  But I have to move on and get stuff done.  It's very individual, it's often common sense, and when you experience the nitty gritty basic situation then you really learn IMHO much more than pondering your navel and abstract concepts especially about a past relationship as you are doing.  Good luck!!

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She doesn't seem to care one bit how much it hurts you when she contacts you with drivel.

And you continuing to ask her to spend time with you is probably an annoyance to her. She just wanted some attention or to relieve her own guilt and there you are making things uncomfortable for her!

I'm glad you decided to finally stop trying to ask her for dates. Each time she said no or ignored your invitation probably felt like getting broken up with all over again.

You'll have plenty to offer the RIGHT woman. And you won't have to "change" to get her to love you. She'll want you the way you are. Is it a good idea to learn better communication?  Of course. But you won't need to change your basic self.

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15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

She doesn't seem to care one bit how much it hurts you when she contacts you with drivel.

And you continuing to ask her to spend time with you is probably an annoyance to her. She just wanted some attention or to relieve her own guilt and there you are making things uncomfortable for her!

I'm glad you decided to finally stop trying to ask her for dates. Each time she said no or ignored your invitation probably felt like getting broken up with all over again.

You'll have plenty to offer the RIGHT woman. And you won't have to "change" to get her to love you. She'll want you the way you are. Is it a good idea to learn better communication?  Of course. But you won't need to change your basic self.

Bolt is spot in here.... she is basically a parasite to you right now.

We all can be better partners and it's great to work on yourself but at the end of the day... her loss.

Givers can be takers, but takers just take.

She may have once been a giver to you.  Right now she is a taker. She is dangling friendship like it's some prize over your head.  

You don't need her friendship.  It will only create confusion and hold you back in future romantic relationships. Nobody wants to play 2nd fiddle to some ex.

Heal and move on! 🙏

Edited by Lambert
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Thanks guys. I should’ve just ignored from the start. She hasn’t really told me how she feels throughout any of this. I feel like I should’ve asked her why she feels like she’s on the verge of crying around me. Is it guilt over dumping me? Guilt over cheating and lying? Does she feel hurt by me? I wonder if she thinks to herself that I don’t believe she betrayed me.
 

That night I called her out, she was shook up and breathing heavy. She was on the ropes. Doesn’t feel that way now. I still have questions but when I’m in this state, even though it is better than where I was two weeks ago, it’s not where I need to be when talking to her. I need to shut up.

 

I’m getting things done and working on my body, getting my financials straight, and reading a ton. I still have unanswered questions. I want to know what is going on with her. I assume that’s normal. I assume she is wondering the same, but I keep revealing my cards. She probably is building her relationship and going out with the older guy, but I know she is still emotionally raw. If I could just get a solid answer on that front, I feel like it would allow me to a space where I don’t care if she contacts me ever again.

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I'm glad you are doing things for you.  I'm sorry you keep on with the what ifs and playing armchair analyst about what she might or might not be feeling.  Many people feel teary all of a sudden in emotional situations and don't even know why and never know why.  I have feelings of guilt when I think about how on/off my long term ex boyfriend and I were -how I wish I would have pulled the trigger so much earlier, ended things instead of taking him on my rollercoaster of doubts and emotions.  It helps a lot that we each found our match (and even got married in the same year).  

Of course it's normal to wonder.  But choose to react by treating it like a fleeting thought, a fly to brush aside IMHO.

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52 minutes ago, tjs said:

If I could just get a solid answer on that front, I feel like it would allow me to a space where I don’t care if she contacts me ever again.

As long as you choose to hinge moving forward on something you're probably never going to get...well, you're just creating your own roadblock.

Instead, you could choose to decide your own destiny. Stop allowing her to decide what your future is going to look like. She gave up that opportunity when she decided to leave you. So instead, realize YOU are in control of your own life. 

What do you want your life to look like? (Please don't say "married to her"!) Make it happen. You have all the power in the world to do whatever you want.

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3 hours ago, tjs said:

She probably is building her relationship and going out with the older guy, but I know she is still emotionally raw. If I could just get a solid answer on that front, I feel like it would allow me to a space where I don’t care if she contacts me ever again.

What is it you want her to tell you?

Are you hoping she'll confirm that she's dating him, or? 

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It's hard to let go.  And accepting that you may never know some things is letting go.  just keep riding it out.  

In the long run, it does not matter.  All water under the bridge.  Start thinking about how you don't need to know.  That you are ready to let go.  That's it's ok.  

Our brains are funny organs... It's self-soothing.  Telling yourself you are ok.  You don't need an answer because you know everything is going to be ok either way.  

Eventually, you'll believe it.  Because you know it's true.  This situation is a mess.  She's a mess.  You're a mess.  It takes time for things to actually change.  Now is the time for faith that your story goes on and it's a good one!!

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4 hours ago, tjs said:

Basically, yes.

In that case, you need to let go of that hope. 

She is likely never going to provide details, and she no longer owes you an explanation of what she's doing anyway. It sucks, but her decision to break up with you should be all the push you need to realize it's over for her. 

 

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Once she and her people come by to collect all her belongings, change the locks and delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Stop sending maudlin saccharine communication to her. It's been over for quite some time now.

She explained all that to you ( your inertia, underemployment,etc.) in person and as tactfully and honestly as possible.

Find another roommate to defray costs and find more work. 

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10 hours ago, tjs said:

Basically, yes.

But what would that tell you -people date, stop dating, dating means different things to different people.  She might tell you she is and she's not. She might think she's dating him and he might think they're flirting.  useless info.

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I don't know if this is your first big break up, but after you go thru it a few times, believe me, it makes no difference who they are currently dating. When you focus your energy on that, it's just another path to overanalyze why they don't miss you and some weird justification that maybe you were not as pretty, not as good-looking, not as smart, not as funny, not as rich, as so and so. 

What does make a difference is that you got dumped and you were emotionally cheated on. This should be enough for you to stop eating her bread crumbs. She's not worthy of you.

You're young. So that means you got a lot of time to find the right gal for you who won't cheat on you and who cares about your wellbeing that they don't feed you crumbs. 

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On 3/24/2021 at 9:12 AM, tjs said:

I’m getting things done and working on my body, getting my financials straight, and reading a ton. I still have unanswered questions. I want to know what is going on with her. I assume that’s normal. I assume she is wondering the same, but I keep revealing my cards. She probably is building her relationship and going out with the older guy, but I know she is still emotionally raw. If I could just get a solid answer on that front, I feel like it would allow me to a space where I don’t care if she contacts me ever again.

Why would knowing about her personal life or dating life help? Is it so that you can consider it over for yourself? I think this might be false because even if she tells you about herself, you'll keep wanting to know more (ie. what their relationship is like, how different is he from you, what does he do for her that perhaps you didn't do, what they do on their free time, how is he treating her). 

She is correct to keep a lot of things personal and out of the picture. It's a break up, not a get to know you again meeting or conversation. Both of you don't owe each other any more information. I do think your ego is bruised badly but you'll overcome this with time and if you allow yourself the space you need to accept that it's over. 

Please don't play into the if I know just this one thing, it will help me. It won't. You'll get trapped in that mindset of depending on her for answers and living off of scraps of information about her life. This is a kind of half-life. Existing but not living because you are living depending on someone else's actions and emotions. 

I hope you find the strength to get going and keep some distance between the both of you.

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Thank you for your insight guys, it’s good stuff. I’m at a point where I am trying to move forward day by day. Still hurts like hell. I haven’t had many relationships. Basically two five year relationships. This one felt like I met someone that I genuinely loved to conversate with and she was my best friend. I’ve heard that most people only meet 1-3 “unicorns” in their life where being around them and conversation is effortless. It’s hard for me to shake the feeling that I got complacent and I may have lost my unicorn. It’s something that I won’t know for a while. For now I am trying to focus on making myself happy being alone. I understand that this may take a very long time.

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Yes, it does take time and you're very down. Just make sure you give yourself enough room to heal and she maintains her distance from you and doesn't bother you with texts. Both of you weren't married and you don't have kids. There is no reason to talk with her again after she takes the bed on the 29th. Is that still happening or did she take everything she needs already?  

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