breakup My GF of 5 years moved out

[tjs]

My gf and I have lived together for 3 years. I am 31, and she is 27. Two and a half weeks ago my gf came home from work (1hr away) to our apartment and sat me down and told me she needed to “unload”. She told me she was overwhelmed and doesn’t know what she is doing in life. She said she feels more validated at work and she looks forward to work more than coming home. She feels more confident there and she has been there about 2 years and just got a pay bump. They are giving her more responsibilities. She works as a register in the juvenile courts in her hometown. I didn’t realize how serious she was until she told me she was staying at her dad and stepmoms house for a day. A day turned into two days and so on. Usually after instances like this, she would worry about us and our relationship. This time it was different. Almost like she was ok with this wedge in our relationship and was not worried at all. This was alarming for me.

I want to say her personality is VERY sweet. She cares more about others than herself. That is a big reason that attracts me to her. She has a heart of gold. She is an emotional person and doesn’t like confrontation.

I want to give some background. I work for USPS. I come from a single parent home. My dad moved out when I was 11. He wasn’t a good father or husband. I am not an overly affectionate person, and I’ve been the type to not show many emotions. I’ve viewed it as weakness, because of the men in my life growing up. I’m working on this. 

She has a good mom and dad. They separated when she was a teen, but they both still care for her very much. 

We are very compatible, and conversation always flows. We make each other laugh and are interested in the same things. Before the pandemic we went out all the time. 

She loved me dearly and always wanted to be close to me. It even got to the point that I felt smothered in a way. I could tell this hurt her, but I think it was because of how we grew up. I would always tell her that I still love her deeply even if I needed some personal space at times. She would also take care of nearly all housekeeping duties. My jobs were to cook food every night, take out the trash, and clean the toilet. I realize now that I should’ve done more, especially on days I had off and she came home to see I didn’t do anything. She would only have about an hour and a half of time to relax after getting home because of her long drive to and from work. 

When we got into arguments, I would become defensive. I would close off, and she would say it feels like I don’t even care. I would never yell at her or call her names. I would need to be alone. I see fault in this and feel awful about it. I am studying my emotions and getting a better understanding of why I feel the way I do, as well as how to conquer them. I must view us as a team, and work through together.

I feel like I am seeing a lot of flaws in myself, and my goal in life right now is to correct these flaws. My focus is to marry her and have children.

She came home after a couple days on the weekend of the super bowl. We had a good night. I really worked on the flaws I saw in myself. I did all the housekeeping and plan on sticking to it. I can see how it would feel unappreciative and disrespectful for her. I have a better outlook on life now and feel better about myself through all this, even though I miss her dearly. That night we were intimate and it was very passionate. I felt like things were sparking again. The next day (super bowl), I made her breakfast and everything was good, until she told me she was going back to her dads the next day. My mood dropped. I respected her decision though. She stayed there for a couple more days but we still talked and texted. 

Her dad is a happy drunk, who doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. Her stepmom, on the other hand, is all about money and prestige. She wears the pants in her relationship so to speak. She also works with my gf in the same building but different office. I don’t really trust her. My gf a couple months ago told me she told her that a lawyer in her office had a crush on my gf. My gf is VERY against cheating, whether physical or emotional and brings it up even when watching movies. If a character cheats, she must comment. So I don’t think she would do that, but I didn’t forget. I myself have never even thought about talking to another woman in that way while with her.

She came back over that Wednesday. We still had friendly conversation, but I felt like she didn’t want to be close to me this time. I made her the dinner she requested (Crunchwrap supreme), and I had a surprise treat for her later that night (edible cookie dough). She was sad that I have been so good to her over the last week because this is what she always wanted and my next gf may reap the benefits. I told her what my plan was for the future, how she was the centerpiece of it, and how I would make it happen. She told me she loved me, but has her fears and worried this is only me temporarily. 

The next day while I was working (she was at the apartment), she said she wanted to talk before she went back. I knew that she was going to end the relationship. I composed myself before walking in, and exchanged pleasantries with her like normal, sat down and said what’s up? She basically said she needs to find herself and repair a lot of damage that she has endured. She has felt like she has to walk on eggshells around me and has lost herself. I must say that I would get irritated over small things at times. I am aware of this. She told me she believes we should end it. She said she was very nervous about telling me this, and was crying. I was very gentle with her and told her it would be ok. I’ve really had a much more positive outlook on life since we’ve had this break. I’ve noticed my missteps. We embraced for almost 5 minutes, and I consoled her. I told her I’d like to be mature about this and remain friends and I’d always be there for her. She told me that she is afraid that she is making a decision she might regret, and that I am her true soulmate. I regret a lot of things, but I truly want her to be happy. She told me she didn’t expect me to handle it like I did, and she told me that in the end this we could get back together and be stronger because of it, “who knows?” I said. She told me she would continue to pay her half of rent until our lease runs out (2 1/2mo). She said she would come back over to visit and get more things in time. I was very accommodating and helped her get stuff around and into her car. Before she left, she hugged me, told me she loved me, and actually kissed me. It felt like she was leaving the door open.

Later that night, she called me crying. She said she was really struggling because she was alone to think. I was short and didn’t have a whole lot to say. I told I’d always be there for her. After, I felt like there was still something there and we still love each other.

The next day she apologized for calling. I told her it felt like something was still there. She told me she does see potential, but just isn’t sure. She needs time. 

Throughout this process, it has been very hard waiting for her to make a decision. I don’t want to move on if there is a chance, but also, I feel like I need to have no contact to heal if we aren’t together. 

I have been talking to her mom a decent amount throughout this. She calls me and is worried about us. She told me she loves me like a son, and has really helped me. She and my gf have been in a rough patch since her sisters cancer has just came back, and I’ve helped her through that. My gf closes off a bit about her sisters situation. Her mom is a very sweet lady as well, and I feel for her.

I told my gf that I would like to make this work if she still sees a future, but if not, I can’t keep feeling this way waiting for her. She asked me questions about our future, such as how far I’d be willing to drive to work. Where we possibly could live. These are compromises I’m ready to make. We decided we would set up dates and take things slow, see how it goes and decide from there. That was acceptable for me.

She would text and call me over the next couple days. I would wait for her to text me and allow her to control the pace for the most part. We really have good conversations. Two days ago we had an awful snowstorm, she texted me at work asking if I made it home yet because she was worried. She also would text hearts. This made me feel good and showed she still cared. That night, things started to heat up! We sexted and exchanged pics. I told her how perfect she looked and how hot she made me. She reciprocated. She told me she wanted to be close to me.

That day her sister had surgery to remove something from her lung that possibly could be cancer. The surgery went well and they believed it was just scar tissue by the looks of it. But the next day they ran tests and it turns out that it was cancerous. I was worried for her, her mom, her sister, and her sisters family all day. My gf told me she texted her sister and felt a little bit better after. We talked that night and everything was good until something make her remember a fund raiser for her sisters cancer that I didn’t attend a few years ago. The conversation dropped off a bit. Later she texted me apologizing for bringing that up. I told her I’ve made mistakes in the past, and am disappointed in myself, and I was immature. I said I am doing my best moving forward and apologize. I felt awful. I told her I need her to know that’s not who I am anymore. She told me there are so many things she worries about and have been disappointed about. That she has felt alone for quite awhile, and she doesn’t know how to undo those feelings. She doesn’t know how to undo those feeling she’s has about herself. 

The next night she came over. We hugged and I started to cook dinner. I could tell there was just something off about her energy. She told me she was “antsy”. I sat her down and gave her a shoulder massage. After dinner we had the talk. She told me there are things that she doesn’t know if she can forgive and move on from. She feels like she has missed out on a lot of family time, especially in her sick sisters life because I wasn’t able to go to visit them with her, so she wouldn’t even go. (I worked on weekends) I was consoling her and told her we could make that work, but she must forgive me. 
 

Later that night, we were intimate, but it felt like she was holding back some.

In the days after that, she was still texting me and calling me at night. The conversations were good, but we didn’t talk about our relationship. At this point, I’m in a decent amount of pain. I’m losing hope. It feels like she isn’t reciprocating as much as before. I decide to ignore her texts a bit early in the day. I did respond, but was short. Later she told me I acted differently today. I just played it off cool.

The next morning, she was in bed and I asked her to send me pics. She did, but wasn’t asking for any return this time. I asked her to come over the next day. She said she didn’t know. She asked if I missed her and I told her I think about her all the time. 
 

I was starting to seriously doubt her loving me anymore. I felt like I must break off from her, because it was becoming too much to handle. I was having trouble eating and focusing. On the next call, I asked her what we were, and she said it feels like we’re just friends. I then told her that I didn’t give up on her like she asked, but I can’t wait anymore because my heart hurts. I cherish all the times, and care for her but I need time and space to heal. She cried. She told me she was sorry and she loves me, I couldn’t say it back. That was 4 days ago.

The night after, she texted me saying how hard it has been for her not to talk to me and that she hopes I’m doing ok. I didn’t respond. Twenty minutes later she sent a picture of my dog sleeping and a depressed emoji.

Two more days pass, and I am struggling, but doing my best. Going to the gym, hanging out with friends, reading, making plans. Last night she texts me saying, “It appears that you don’t want to say anything to me, but I’m going to need you to talk to me at some point because we will have to figure everything (apt / lease, items) out.” This morning I told her to let me know what works for her. She told me “Okay. Maybe we can just discuss / and catch up in person at the apartment?” I said that’s fine. She said cool with a smile emoji. 
 

So, I feel like it’s probably not best to see her anytime soon, but she does want to “catch up” already. I want to be with her, but I don’t know why she would say that and it probably doesn’t mean she wants to get back or even misses me. Maybe she just wants to heal her own guilt. Maybe she wants to see how I’m doing. I went NC after I let her go. I still miss her a lot, but I don’t want to feel like I do now for longer than I need to.

 

TL;DR gf has been staying at parents house, broke up, regretted it, relationship was up in the air, I then ended it, now trying to NC

[tjs]

I suppose my question is, do you think I am handling this the right way? I love her and want her back. I do feel like we are meant to be together and our connection is special. She is the first girl I’ve ever met that I truly enjoy spending time with. I believe I failed in advancing the relationship past a certain point, because I was unaware of how to do so. Things like talking about financials, pushing more towards our future and searching for a house together (she did this on her own), trying to make her life easier.

I saw messages on her computer talking to a friend before she broke up with me telling her that she was thinking about breaking up because she feels like her heart isn’t in it anymore. Although she said she cares about me so much and is confused why she is feeling the way she does. She said she feels like we are very compatible, and is worried she might regret this because she is not very social and may not find a connection like this again.

[DancingFool]

I think that this is one of those break ups that are particularly difficult because you are both good people, you mostly get along well, and neither one of you has done anything that warrants a break up.

So on that note, I'd recommend that you take it easy on trying to beat yourself up over every little misstep or otherwise blame yourself for the relationship ending. It's a toxic rabbit hole you really should avoid going down into. Thing is that no matter what you do or don't do, you don't actually control other people.

Growing out of the relationship can happen even if you are married and so on. So the fact that this is happening while you aren't and are free to part ways easier is a good thing. 

Like it or not, it sounds like she has been checking out of this relationship for awhile. Growing apart rather than growing together kind of a thing and it only takes one person checking out for the relationship to fail. So again, don't put all blame on your shoulders.

Since you've been together 5 years and there is nothing explosive to break up over, yes, this is difficult and it's natural to question that decision. Still.....she packed her things and moved out.

The hard part for you now is to work on accepting that this is over, healing and moving on yourself. So no more quasi dating, no more dancing for her attention. Best thing that you can do for yourself is to actually wrap up whatever leases and bills you have. Disentangle everything and go full no contact. Focus on healing and moving on with your life.

If she ever decides that it was a mistake and reaches out to try again, you can evaluate then with fresh eyes whether that's really something you want or not. I know right now it's the only thing that you want, but keep in mind that with time and perspective you might well feel differently. Either way, you can leave that door open BUT do not put your life on hold. Heal and move on for real. Date when you are ready eventually and meanwhile lean on friends and hobbies to get you through the worst of this pain. Do not wait on her to change her mind.

At the end of the day, someone who truly loves you will never risk losing you by breaking up or taking breaks or leaving you. Do keep that in mind.

[Rose Mosse]

She's been grieving her sister's illness for a long time and she's looked to the relationship for support but didn't end up finding it there or up to what she was looking for. She found validation instead and support in her job and her parents. 

I think it's best giving this a break as in considering this over for good. You're going through shock, sadness and withdrawal. She did move out and has the company of family. Do you have a support network also or anyone you can talk to? 

 

[smackie9]

What I see is the relationship has run it's course. She indeed has fallen out of love. It's not preventable, it just happens. So all the chores you did do, or things you should have done has no bearing on this at all. You didn't do anything wrong really. People have stayed and persevered in way way worse conditions. It's the emotional attachment is the most difficult thing to break away from, and this is her struggle. Adjusting to a life without you. You made the right decision to break it off and go NC. You have a few months to adjust, and you will be able to proceed with moving on.

[tjs]

It’s hard to shake the feeling that she may just be overwhelmed emotionally and there is still a chance. She acted like she missed me when she broke up with me and told me this could bring us closer. She could possibly change her mind after a month or two of NC? I know this is unhealthy, and I’m not going to hang my hopes on that, I am doing my best to move on.

I also wonder if when she does come over to sort out the apt and “catch up” if there is even a small chance something that could change. I don’t plan on pushing anymore towards getting back together, but I do hope that I can get back to be my happy, confident self when we see each other.

I have a couple friends I can talk to. My only family is my mom and sister, but they are there for me.

[DancingFool]

1 minute ago, tjs said:

It’s hard to shake the feeling that she may just be overwhelmed emotionally and there is still a chance. She acted like she missed me when she broke up with me and told me this could bring us closer. She could possibly change her mind after a month or two of NC? I know this is unhealthy, and I’m not going to hang my hopes on that, I am doing my best to move on.

I also wonder if when she does come over to sort out the apt and “catch up” if there is even a small chance something that could change. I don’t plan on pushing anymore towards getting back together, but I do hope that I can get back to be my happy, confident self when we see each other.

I have a couple friends I can talk to. My only family is my mom and sister, but they are there for me.

Unless she is some kind of a sociopath then of course she is missing you. That's normal. However, just because you miss someone you've spent 5 years of your life with, doesn't mean you want to continue that relationship and that's the hard part for you. The acceptance part. Easy for her to inadvertently use you as a crutch to get over you if you allow it because what you see is genuine doubt and genuine emotions and that gives you hope and that hope hurts and stops you from doing right by yourself.

Still.....break ups do not make relationships stronger, they break trust. Even if you do get back together.....how is that dynamic going to go? Will you be walking on eggshells, turning yourself inside to please her, but always looking over your shoulder wondering when she might decide to walk away again? You bet. In reality, patching up after a break up is very difficult. Only successful ones I know of, the couple parted ways intending things to be that way for good and only got together a few years down the road. Reason it was successful is because they healed, moved on, grew and  when they ran into each other, they started over fresh. Neither one was waiting around for the other.

[Rose Mosse]

Good that you have your mum and sis.

It's natural to want to repair what's hurt or broken. It might be painful seeing her again but I don't think it's a good idea hoping for a change or asking her to change her mind. If she changes her mind now of all times it might be just a response to pressure or feeling emotional when it's not what she wants at all. Even if she did break down or tell you she wants to try again or change her mind, would you believe it? After all this? 

Keep in mind you're both hurt and emotional. There are a lot of emotions now and plenty of emotions when figuring out how to tie up loose ends. I've been there. If anything were to come out of this it should be much later when both of you have a clearer mind. She started a process breaking up with you. I think she should finish it. I wouldn't accept anything less or more than that especially right now.

[indea08]

Analyzing feelings right now doesn’t really make any sense. It’s been two straight weeks of heavy conversations and confusion. How could either of you possibly make sense of anything when you remain submerged in the confusion?

I think YOU should cut the contact with her. You mentioned doing that to help yourself heal and move on, but let’s be honest, that’s not what you want. So if you try to do it for that reason, it won’t stick.

By continuing to be in contact with her, you’re making the break up far easier for her. She’s kinda leaving you but she still kinda has you, which isn’t nearly as uncomfortable as going through the day to day wondering what you’re doing and how you’re doing. She gets to experience the space she asked for with the safety net of reaching out to you to make the hardest moments easier. Until she has to face life without you, why would she suddenly change her mind to come back to you? If she needs space from this to be able to understand her feelings, then give her the space so that she can. Your still being available is keeping the door to her enlightenment closed. Before long, she will be saying that there’s just too much baggage there now and she doesn’t have it in her to carry on anymore.

Let her live a few weeks without you. See what you can make of yourself over the next few weeks. Then approach a conversation with a fresh mindset and renewed appreciation for each other and yourselves.

[tjs]

19 minutes ago, indea08 said:

Analyzing feelings right now doesn’t really make any sense. It’s been two straight weeks of heavy conversations and confusion. How could either of you possibly make sense of anything when you remain submerged in the confusion?

I think YOU should cut the contact with her. You mentioned doing that to help yourself heal and move on, but let’s be honest, that’s not what you want. So if you try to do it for that reason, it won’t stick.

By continuing to be in contact with her, you’re making the break up far easier for her. She’s kinda leaving you but she still kinda has you, which isn’t nearly as uncomfortable as going through the day to day wondering what you’re doing and how you’re doing. She gets to experience the space she asked for with the safety net of reaching out to you to make the hardest moments easier. Until she has to face life without you, why would she suddenly change her mind to come back to you? If she needs space from this to be able to understand her feelings, then give her the space so that she can. Your still being available is keeping the door to her enlightenment closed. Before long, she will be saying that there’s just too much baggage there now and she doesn’t have it in her to carry on anymore.

Let her live a few weeks without you. See what you can make of yourself over the next few weeks. Then approach a conversation with a fresh mindset and renewed appreciation for each other and yourselves.

Thanks for replying. I did tell her I needed to heal 4 days ago. That’s when I went NC. She texted me the next night but I didn’t respond. Last night she texted me about me not wanting to talk to her and meeting up to discuss the lease, but she didn’t give a date. I decided it’s ok to break NC to reply to that because that is something that must be done. When she did come over she would grab some clothes and stuff but there is still a majority of her things here.

Guess all I can do is wait, but I doubt that she can stop herself from texting me, but we shall see.
 

 

[tjs]

38 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Unless she is some kind of a sociopath then of course she is missing you. That's normal. However, just because you miss someone you've spent 5 years of your life with, doesn't mean you want to continue that relationship and that's the hard part for you. The acceptance part. Easy for her to inadvertently use you as a crutch to get over you if you allow it because what you see is genuine doubt and genuine emotions and that gives you hope and that hope hurts and stops you from doing right by yourself.

Still.....break ups do not make relationships stronger, they break trust. Even if you do get back together.....how is that dynamic going to go? Will you be walking on eggshells, turning yourself inside to please her, but always looking over your shoulder wondering when she might decide to walk away again? You bet. In reality, patching up after a break up is very difficult. Only successful ones I know of, the couple parted ways intending things to be that way for good and only got together a few years down the road. Reason it was successful is because they healed, moved on, grew and  when they ran into each other, they started over fresh. Neither one was waiting around for the other.

It felt like I could pinpoint the exact moment when she changed and didn’t care to fix the relationship. It hurt. If she is to come back, I believe it could be better. I would be better. I feel like I have learned a lot, and would act on what I learned to make the relationship stronger.

[DancingFool]

4 minutes ago, tjs said:

It felt like I could pinpoint the exact moment when she changed and didn’t care to fix the relationship. It hurt. If she is to come back, I believe it could be better. I would be better. I feel like I have learned a lot, and would act on what I learned to make the relationship stronger.

IF she wants to come back, it's NOT on you to prove yourself to her, it's on her to prove herself to you, specifically to earn your trust and respect back, to prove that she can be a steadfast and reliable partner who won't run off next time she is feeling off......

I know you don't get this right now because you are in the throes of pain and desperately wanting your life to go back to normal and you want this pain to be alleviated by any means necessary.  I'm not saying that you shouldn't grow and improve as a person or a partner. Just do not prostrate yourself at her feet. It's not healthy, it won't work and it will not allow for respect in the relationship....should she come back that is.

For any getting back together to have a chance, you both have to own responsibility and figure out what went sideways. It is absolutely not on just one of the other. So again, do not place all blame on yourself. It's a toxic rabbit hole for you.

[tjs]

8 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

IF she wants to come back, it's NOT on you to prove yourself to her, it's on her to prove herself to you, specifically to earn your trust and respect back, to prove that she can be a steadfast and reliable partner who won't run off next time she is feeling off......

I know you don't get this right now because you are in the throes of pain and desperately wanting your life to go back to normal and you want this pain to be alleviated by any means necessary.  I'm not saying that you shouldn't grow and improve as a person or a partner. Just do not prostrate yourself at her feet. It's not healthy, it won't work and it will not allow for respect in the relationship....should she come back that is.

For any getting back together to have a chance, you both have to own responsibility and figure out what went sideways. It is absolutely not on just one of the other. So again, do not place all blame on yourself. It's a toxic rabbit hole for you.

Thank you for this. You’re right. I am just trying to alleviate pain. I miss not being able to talk to her. I feel like I’ve also lost my best friend. She is the only girl I’ve ever met that I legitimately enjoy talking to all the time. We are very similar.

[DancingFool]

3 minutes ago, tjs said:

Thank you for this. You’re right. I am just trying to alleviate pain. I miss not being able to talk to her. I feel like I’ve also lost my best friend. She is the only girl I’ve ever met that I legitimately enjoy talking to all the time. We are very similar.

Yup and that's the hardest thing about break ups. That gaping hole. This is also where you need to lean hard on friends and fam. They will understand. Also try to keep yourself busy with some hobbies or projects to do. Kind of do your best to redirect your mind somewhere else. Create new habits.

One day at a time. It does get better. Hugs.

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, tjs said:

I am not an overly affectionate person, and I’ve been the type to not show many emotions. I’ve viewed it as weakness, because of the men in my life growing up. I’m working on this

- Okay, good.  Are you in therapy to work on your issue;s?

 

3 hours ago, tjs said:

When we got into arguments, I would become defensive. I would close off, and she would say it feels like I don’t even care. I would never yell at her or call her names. I would need to be alone. I see fault in this and feel awful about it. I am studying my emotions and getting a better understanding of why I feel the way I do, as well as how to conquer them

Yes, be good to to consider some prof help.. to work on your issue's that you are lacking in managing....

 

3 hours ago, tjs said:

The next day (super bowl), I made her breakfast and everything was good, until she told me she was going back to her dads the next day. My mood dropped. I respected her decision though. She stayed there for a couple more days but we still talked and texted. 

- THIS is disapointing you 😞 .. You want her around more.

 

3 hours ago, tjs said:

I feel like I need to have no contact to heal if we aren’t together. 

- That you do,

 

3 hours ago, tjs said:

She would text and call me over the next couple days. I would wait for her to text me and allow her to control the pace for the most part. We really have good conversations. Two days ago we had an awful snowstorm, she texted me at work asking if I made it home yet because she was worried. She also would text hearts. This made me feel good and showed she still cared.

- Yes, of course she 'still cares'.. she does not hate you... but much more is needed- that she has pulled away from..

 

3 hours ago, tjs said:

a fund raiser for her sisters cancer that I didn’t attend a few years ago. The conversation dropped off a bit. Later she texted me apologizing for bringing that up. I told her I’ve made mistakes in the past, and am disappointed in myself, and I was immature. I said I am doing my best moving forward and apologize. I felt awful.

- So, she is going back to the past.  Bringing up those times you did not support her, etc..?

 

3 hours ago, tjs said:

I decide to ignore her texts a bit early in the day. I did respond, but was short. Later she told me I acted differently today. I just played it off cool.

- Well yeah.. not sure really what she expects?  YOU are trying to deal with the BU.  😞 

Sounds a little insensitive - but as mentioned, she's kind of emotionally already checked out- while you are now dealing with it all...

 

3 hours ago, tjs said:

The next morning, she was in bed and I asked her to send me pics. She did, but wasn’t asking for any return this time

- Why YOU were doing this.. unsure?

What you two NEED to do is stop giving in.  Are you not split up?  Then you need to get some inner strength and STOP all of this.. YOU are allowing her to 'use you to get over you'  😞 

SHE ended things with you- then stop allowing this.. so YOU can work on dealing with all of this.

 

3 hours ago, tjs said:

I asked her what we were, and she said it feels like we’re just friends. I then told her that I didn’t give up on her like she asked, but I can’t wait anymore because my heart hurts. I cherish all the times, and care for her but I need time and space to heal

- Okay, just friends - and if you cant handle it, say so.  

I agree, you do need NC in order to accept this and I was never able to just 'be friends' with my ex's.. unless maybe, we parted on good terms..

 

3 hours ago, tjs said:

This morning I told her to let me know what works for her. She told me “Okay. Maybe we can just discuss / and catch up in person at the apartment?” I said that’s fine. She said cool with a smile emoji. 
 

So, I feel like it’s probably not best to see her anytime soon, but she does want to “catch up” already. I want to be with her, but I don’t know why she would say that and it probably doesn’t mean she wants to get back or even misses me. Maybe she just wants to heal her own guilt. Maybe she wants to see how I’m doing. I went NC after I let her go

No, stop saying 'fine' and accepting her to just pop in & out of your life... She needs to get it straight and understand, this is NOT acceptable.

Did she split?  Then be ALL done with it now. No to 'catching up'.. She left you?  She does NOT need to know anymore of your life now..

UNLESS it is necessary, no need to be seeing her anymore.

This all takes time to accept.. BUT unless all interaction stops, you'll never be able to work through this stuff 😞 

If need be- anxiety starts to afffect you - as you said, sleep issues etc.. Contact your doctor for help with that.. and if it gets really rough on you- in next month or so... consider some prof help, to work through this..

One day at a time... in time things will ease off some for you.

[tjs]

3 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

- Okay, good.  Are you in therapy to work on your issue;s?

 

Yes, be good to to consider some prof help.. to work on your issue's that you are lacking in managing....

 

- THIS is disapointing you 😞 .. You want her around more.

 

- That you do,

 

- Yes, of course she 'still cares'.. she does not hate you... but much more is needed- that she has pulled away from..

 

- So, she is going back to the past.  Bringing up those times you did not support her, etc..?

 

- Well yeah.. not sure really what she expects?  YOU are trying to deal with the BU.  😞 

Sounds a little insensitive - but as mentioned, she's kind of emotionally already checked out- while you are now dealing with it all...

 

- Why YOU were doing this.. unsure?

What you two NEED to do is stop giving in.  Are you not split up?  Then you need to get some inner strength and STOP all of this.. YOU are allowing her to 'use you to get over you'  😞 

SHE ended things with you- then stop allowing this.. so YOU can work on dealing with all of this.

 

- Okay, just friends - and if you cant handle it, say so.  

I agree, you do need NC in order to accept this and I was never able to just 'be friends' with my ex's.. unless maybe, we parted on good terms..

 

No, stop saying 'fine' and accepting her to just pop in & out of your life... She needs to get it straight and understand, this is NOT acceptable.

Did she split?  Then be ALL done with it now. No to 'catching up'.. She left you?  She does NOT need to know anymore of your life now..

UNLESS it is necessary, no need to be seeing her anymore.

This all takes time to accept.. BUT unless all interaction stops, you'll never be able to work through this stuff 😞 

If need be- anxiety starts to afffect you - as you said, sleep issues etc.. Contact your doctor for help with that.. and if it gets really rough on you- in next month or so... consider some prof help, to work through this..

One day at a time... in time things will ease off some for you.

I must just be in denial. I thought maybe this NC from her would make her realize what she had lost in not talking to me everyday. 
 

I just checked her Instagram story today and she posted a vase of flowers with the caption “flowers from strangers”. I feel like she is being cryptic towards me. Probably should just stop looking. I didn’t think she would resort to stuff like this. I’m not sure if she is trying to get me to talk to her again or what. Just seems very childish.

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, tjs said:

I must just be in denial. I thought maybe this NC from her would make her realize what she had lost in not talking to me everyday. 
 

I just checked her Instagram story today and she posted a vase of flowers with the caption “flowers from strangers”. I feel like she is being cryptic towards me. Probably should just stop looking. I didn’t think she would resort to stuff like this. I’m not sure if she is trying to get me to talk to her again or what. Just seems very childish.

Yes, you could very well be- is most common when working thru the grief process 😞 .. (5 stages). 

As for HER, yes, very childish if SHE wants a reaction - Fps, she is the one who ended things.  Don't play the mind games.. do not react!

Let her alone to do her thing... You back off and do your own.

Always is best to not have any more to do with their profiles, pages etc.. Less we know the better- for our own well-being - and all this be doing is driving you batty, so don't.

Just leave all alone.. All of it!

No contact.. no reason to communicate at all (unless those were involved w/ kids).

Think of YOU now.  Focus on YOU ❤️ .

Over time, the anguish will grow less & less... and you will come to accept that things just didn't work out.. Yeah, it stings a while.

One day at a time..

[tjs]

1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

Yes, you could very well be- is most common when working thru the grief process 😞 .. (5 stages). 

As for HER, yes, very childish if SHE wants a reaction - Fps, she is the one who ended things.  Don't play the mind games.. do not react!

Let her alone to do her thing... You back off and do your own.

Always is best to not have any more to do with their profiles, pages etc.. Less we know the better- for our own well-being - and all this be doing is driving you batty, so don't.

Just leave all alone.. All of it!

No contact.. no reason to communicate at all (unless those were involved w/ kids).

Think of YOU now.  Focus on YOU ❤️ .

Over time, the anguish will grow less & less... and you will come to accept that things just didn't work out.. Yeah, it stings a while.

One day at a time..

Thanks for your insight. Posting things like that seem to be very out of character for her. It’s as if she is trying to make me jealous to get a reaction because I went NC. It’s like she wants me to keep talking to her, but the reason I’m not is to heal. Yet she must think I am mad at her. She said the only thing to me last night that I must respond to, and that is dealing with the lease and apartment items. She must be spinning inside like me, since this is all so fresh.

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, tjs said:

It’s like she wants me to keep talking to her, but the reason I’m not is to heal. Yet she must think I am mad at her.

Well.. you are hurt, right?  Of course you are!  What's she expect 😞

 

1 hour ago, tjs said:

She must be spinning inside like me, since this is all so fresh.

Yes, is fresh, especially for YOU.

As for her.. no one just wakes up one morning thinking.. " I'm gonna just leave in 3 days'.

Either way, she has left.. and you have to take some time now to work through all of this.  It hurts,. a lot, I know 😞 

But you cannot get on to it with her continuing these breadcrumbs.. Out of respect, leave you be.

So often they give this ridiculous offer ( often as to 'be kind'?), of 'let's be friends'... No.

You cannot be friends with an ex, unless or until you know you're over them.. And so often, it's just not possible.

 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, tjs said:

She must be spinning inside like me, since this is all so fresh.

I'm afraid to say that she is not feeling what you're feeling. 

This wasn't sudden for her. She's been pulling away from you for a while and she had been thinking about ending it. Even if you didn't really see it, I promise you that she didn't impulsively decide to end it. A lot of dumpees make the mistake of assuming that their dumpers are in the same emotional hurricane that they are, but what they forget is that most dumpers are much further along in the grieving process since it was their decisions to end it and had already started getting used to the idea of splitting up and moving on.  

That's not to say that it wasn't a hard decision for her and doesn't bring some pain with it. Of course it does. She will need time to adjust to living without you, too. But it isn't the same as what you are feeling. Tough pill to swallow, of course, but an important perspective to keep. 

[tjs]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I'm afraid to say that she is not feeling what you're feeling. 

This wasn't sudden for her. She's been pulling away from you for a while and she had been thinking about ending it. Even if you didn't really see it, I promise you that she didn't impulsively decide to end it. A lot of dumpees make the mistake of assuming that their dumpers are in the same emotional hurricane that they are, but what they forget is that most dumpers are much further along in the grieving process since it was their decisions to end it and had already started getting used to the idea of splitting up and moving on.  

That's not to say that it wasn't a hard decision for her and doesn't bring some pain with it. Of course it does. She will need time to adjust to living without you, too. But it isn't the same as what you are feeling. Tough pill to swallow, of course, but an important perspective to keep. 

While I agree that she isn’t feeling like I am. She was having second thoughts the night of the first breakup and for a few days after. She also has anxiety issues, along with loneliness problems.

[MissCanuck]

3 minutes ago, tjs said:

While I agree that she isn’t feeling like I am. She was having second thoughts the night of the first breakup and for a few days after. She also has anxiety issues, along with loneliness problems.

Right, but where is she now? 

 

[tjs]

7 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Right, but where is she now? 

 

Right, but she was staying there when she had second thoughts too, then she began jumping back and forth. It was 5 years and the split was amicable. I get the feeling she wants me to chase her, but I question if it would even matter, and it’s tough to handle.

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, tjs said:

Right, but she was staying there when she had second thoughts too, then she began jumping back and forth. It was 5 years and the split was amicable. I get the feeling she wants me to chase her, but I question if it would even matter, and it’s tough to handle.

I realize that, but it's normal for dumpers to waver a little when they finally leave. It's a big change for them too. 

I think this is just one of those cases where the relationship ran its course and she lost interest in maintaining it anymore. . As such, chasing her would likely make no difference at this point. 

Do you think she might have met someone else? Sometimes that wavering hints at a third party and not knowing which way to go. 

[tjs]

7 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I realize that, but it's normal for dumpers to waver a little when they finally leave. It's a big change for them too. 

I think this is just one of those cases where the relationship ran its course and she lost interest in maintaining it anymore. . As such, chasing her would likely make no difference at this point. 

Do you think she might have met someone else? Sometimes that wavering hints at a third party and not knowing which way to go. 

I think there is an older man that wants to sleep with her, and her stepmom is pushing it, but idk. My ex is high character and I wouldn’t expect her to do this, but I know emotionally she can be weak.