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How to deal with unrequited love experiences?


Buzz86
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The title is self-explanatory, I have had a few unrequited love affairs and I'm feeling like a nihilist right now, overwhelmed with frustration and now I question the roots of this frustration; thoughts like everything around me is useless and has no definite meaning and so on.
I had around four times this feeling of unrequited love sequentially, and the last of them was with a married woman. How to forget fast? I'm good at forgetting unrelated stuff though this one seems a bit tricky and need your help.

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Screening for available single women and dating a while would help.

Not practical in Iran. I've tried many times but failed. Relationships really won't work here in Iran. It's not my failure either. The reason I mentioned "the last of them was with a married woman" was simply that I was disappointed by the opposite gender of the same age and the same marital status. I was given a piece of advice to stop making any new friendships or getting into relationships and I just tried to stick to that but it makes me feel worse, I know actually, you were trying to say but it simply won't work here. Listen, I'll be leaving this country in the future (but not as close as you might have expected; 3.5 years from now!), the whole past relationships (except one) were all total failures that left me emotionally distressed.
This poses a question, so how to satisfy my needs? And what is the best possible decision?
(Maybe reading my last topic may give you some idea how things are going now)

 

 

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You'll survive. Failed relationships generally leave most people distressed. You are not alone. Just leave and don't look back. Focus on leaving and getting to a better place. Besides, if you're leaving, why would you want to fall in love in Iran. 

Are you worried possibly of not being able to leave? 

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4 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

You'll survive. Failed relationships generally leave most people distressed. You are not alone. Just leave and don't look back. Focus on leaving and getting to a better place. Besides, if you're leaving, why would you want to fall in love in Iran. 

Are you worried possibly of not being able to leave? 

You know, perfectionism.
I'm a perfectionist, it's insanely difficult to form good relationships or dating here. (The bad part: Most of the women here are misandrists and most men are misogynists, hence it comes about failures.)
It has become a dream for me to have quality relationships (not even talking about sex! It's a religious country and sex is prohibited! They (The opp gender) expect me to put a lot of effort into the relationship, regularly contacting them and they refuse to say love you or have sex because it's I think a cultural thingy, I mean they don't trust in men and so they just don't go deeper in relationships, just prefer keeping the distance. Of course, at the beginning of the relationships, they act like they are open-minded and different and approachable, but after some time, they just "unmask" their reality that they are the common denominator; not different from the other women here. (It's not their problem I understand that.They just follow the rules, they can't do other than that either)

Clarification: I won't be leaving anywhere earlier than 3 years from now.

I afraid to be alone.

 

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I've been there. Many times. I think a lot of us men have. What you need to remember is the more energy you focus into this, the more it will consume you. I take time away from relationships to develop new hobbies, work on personal goals or start reading again. I use the downtime to improve myself and hope that next time I will meet a woman who is perfect for me. There does seem to be a great cultural shift in the way we all approach relationships these days, especially in a post-covid world. It should be interesting to see how we all navigate romantic relationships going forward.

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54 minutes ago, chrisbow said:

I've been there. Many times. I think a lot of us men have. What you need to remember is the more energy you focus into this, the more it will consume you. I take time away from relationships to develop new hobbies, work on personal goals or start reading again. I use the downtime to improve myself and hope that next time I will meet a woman who is perfect for me. There does seem to be a great cultural shift in the way we all approach relationships these days, especially in a post-covid world. It should be interesting to see how we all navigate romantic relationships going forward.

Yeah right, been thinking about this actually.
To be honest I've been planning things out and everything looks fine EXCEPT the mental pain that I'm going through now. I'm having constant flashbacks from the previous relationships and how cruel they were to me, BUT yet, I can't criticize them for their actions, you know, I mean they're having hardships and my criticism could make anything worse, but in the meanwhile, I hardly can forgive them. How to let go of these thoughts? For the loneliness part I have found the solution; just befriending people around the world instead of relying on relationships here.

 

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5 hours ago, Buzz86 said:

I was given a piece of advice to stop making any new friendships or getting into relationships and I just tried to stick to that but it makes me feel worse,

But, I feel you have to overcome this... it all takes time.

 

5 hours ago, Buzz86 said:

the whole past relationships (except one) were all total failures that left me emotionally distressed.
This poses a question, so how to satisfy my needs? And what is the best possible decision?

- Right, you  are emotionally distressed. So do NOT go running for something new... you are not well.  Not in a good frame of mind.  Last thing you need for a while is any more involvements.

As mentioned.. learn to be comfortable with yourself.  I've been single a while and I don't want to be involved anymore - constant negative impacts & very draining! 😞 .. yes, my therapist mentioned being mentally & emotionally exhausted.

So, since that (about 4+ yrs ago), I have not gotten involved again.. Nowadays, I have learned some new crafts to keep myself busy (making jams, pickling, baking more, doing crochet (via youtube etc)...and I have my small circle of friends I'll have occasional coffee with.

Knowing I am fragile/broken due to so many negative experiences , I will not go there.  I just don't have the need or want- because I do have some deep rooted anger/ hurt 😞 .

So, maybe for you, you just spend time on your own, working through your damages etc (if you can't get any professional help).

We need to learn to be happy alone and not feel that need to depend on anyone else to make us 'happy'.  That doesn't work.

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10 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

But, I feel you have to overcome this... it all takes time.

 

- Right, you  are emotionally distressed. So do NOT go running for something new... you are not well.  Not in a good frame of mind.  Last thing you need for a while is any more involvements.

As mentioned.. learn to be comfortable with yourself.  I've been single a while and I don't want to be involved anymore - constant negative impacts & very draining! 😞 .. yes, my therapist mentioned being mentally & emotionally exhausted.

So, since that (about 4+ yrs ago), I have not gotten involved again.. Nowadays, I have learned some new crafts to keep myself busy (making jams, pickling, baking more, doing crochet (via youtube etc)...and I have my small circle of friends I'll have occasional coffee with.

Knowing I am fragile/broken due to so many negative experiences , I will not go there.  I just don't have the need or want- because I do have some deep rooted anger/ hurt 😞 .

So, maybe for you, you just spend time on your own, working through your damages etc (if you can't get any professional help).

We need to learn to be happy alone and not feel that need to depend on anyone else to make us 'happy'.  That doesn't work.

Yeah, you're right, I can relate to that.


It's kind of difficult for me thinking back to those horrible moments, I mean they were all feeling good with me, smiling, their need being satisfied, but I guess they have never and ever heard about the reciprocation thing in relationships. It feels like a zombie eats part of your body gradually lol and you should try to heal your own injuries.


Yeah, I just made some friends from the US and around the world, just realized that I should get over these memories as they were not intentional with their mistakes, just happens (How we grew up in comparison to how they did)
It sounds easy to say, but actually, it's painful but I will try my best to overcome this.


Thanks for hearing me out.

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  • 6 months later...
On 2/27/2021 at 9:47 AM, Buzz86 said:

Yeah, you're right, I can relate to that.


It's kind of difficult for me thinking back to those horrible moments, I mean they were all feeling good with me, smiling, their need being satisfied, but I guess they have never and ever heard about the reciprocation thing in relationships. It feels like a zombie eats part of your body gradually lol and you should try to heal your own injuries.


Yeah, I just made some friends from the US and around the world, just realized that I should get over these memories as they were not intentional with their mistakes, just happens (How we grew up in comparison to how they did)
It sounds easy to say, but actually, it's painful but I will try my best to overcome this.


Thanks for hearing me out.

@SooSad33 I overcame this one. I was in an awesome shape during the last year (even placed 1st in the college for several semesters in a row xD), after some time from this old thread, i began doing what you told me, i placed 1st, it was awesome feeling that I had the last year.

unfortunately in the middle of journey, several girls approached to me indirectly and i didn't involve myself in anything, BUT a girl just approached telling me want to study together. but later on it turned out to some other thing which again put me in another shi-t.

I started another thread, please can you take a look at it? I believe still I can overcome this one too but takes time.

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