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Hi everyone! 

 

I posted a post last month, you can find it back in my previous ones. 

Long story short: A man I dated four years ago for almost a year recently told me he never really got over me, even while having a girlfriend for three years, and asking if I want to try again because he never felt a connection like this before. When we were dating everything was always good, never a fight and it felt secure and nice. He moved to another city and so did I. We grew out of the dating but remained friends.

He broke up with his girlfriend (but never told her the reason of being in love with me, he named other reasons that where valid to not hurt her feelings too much. Never really agreed on this myself).

Before we have always remained friends. I was not aware of his feelings to me but genuinely cared about him and considered him to be a close friend.

Back to recently: we started dating but I felt like a secret. Friends couldnt know because of his ex girlfriend who knew them all and lives across the street. He said he didn't want her to know he was already in love with someone else after recently breaking up for now. I recommended time apart between us for him to adjust to being single and he refused, saying he liked me a lot and was sure about being with me. He just wanted to wait a month for me to come over to his place.

 

I had another talk with him since I didn't feel comfortable with this situation (a month ago, after dating for three weeks) Also after him being instantly distant. He agreed and told me he needed time for himself. That he has a burn out and couldnt even interect with others and was not feeling himself. I told him we could always see in the future but that it would be best for him to focus on himself for now. That its best not to talk in between too much(because he was acting distant and not sure about me, to protect myself) but that he would let me know how his progress was going with getting a therapist and I am there for him if he needed me.

He told me that he is going to work on himself and was sure that the day would come that he would reach out again and we could start this right. That he was sorry for the way it went now but he needed time for himself indeed. That he never felt this for someone before and he really wants to be with me. 

I didn't hear from him now since a month. He told me he would let me know how he was doing "in a week or two". Now I see on Facebook that he is in a relationship with another girl. Actually she moved into his student house at the time he was acting very distant. I remember him talking about her several times before we "took a pause"

 

Its clear this is done and I want to move on. 

My question here is if anyone has an idea how things can chance this fast. I get the idea of being a rebound, but after knowing each other for four years, sharing many interests and the same look on life, deep conversation and from my side at least genuinely caring, how can someone say these words about never feeling this connection before, being sure he wants to be with me then jumping right into another relationship and making that public. Not letting me know anything in person. I feel unimportant and fooled. I always thought he was a good man. Find it hard to understand and hope to get some perspective here.

Thank you!

 

 

 

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Unfortunately,at some level you know he's still with someone and he's still a fly-by.

If your life was full and happy and you were seeing someone else, these headaches and heartaches wouldn't be happening. 

They also won't happen anymore when you delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

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43 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately,at some level you know he's still with someone and he's still a fly-by.

If your life was full and happy and you were seeing someone else, these headaches and heartaches wouldn't be happening. 

They also won't happen anymore when you delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Unfortunately yes. I did block him everywhere. Seeing someone else is not a priority right now, not really feeling like dating at the moment. But working on myself would be an idea! 

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I think you gave and continue to give this guy too much credit in the honest and integrity departments.

Some people are charming, have convincing stories, seem like they are in the up and up. When there is nothing further from the truth. 

He didn't want to be with his ex girlfriend anymore.  He didn't want to be alone. He didn't want to look like a certain way to her. For whatever reason. He must have felt that he looked a certain way in her eyes and he wanted to keep that appearance. But he didn't want to be alone.  

Then there's you. He didn't want to be alone so he grabbed onto you with a romantic 'but I always loved your scenario. 

But you weren't letting him keep his appearance to the world and his ex girlfriend. 

Then enough time passed. maybe the ex girlfriend found someone else... who knows.  

But listen... this guy is not a catch. He talks like a catch but his words don't back it up.  He weaves the scenario to match his needs in the moment 

Never talk to this guy again. Use it as a lesson.  Be more protective of your heart and feelings. 

Is a guy, that had a girlfriend for years,  but was really in love with you, the whole time, a good guy?

NO!

I'd start there. think about why this would even be attractive to you. 

 

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2 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I think you gave and continue to give this guy too much credit in the honest and integrity departments.

Some people are charming, have convincing stories, seem like they are in the up and up. When there is nothing further from the truth. 

He didn't want to be with his ex girlfriend anymore.  He didn't want to be alone. He didn't want to look like a certain way to her. For whatever reason. He must have felt that he looked a certain way in her eyes and he wanted to keep that appearance. But he didn't want to be alone.  

Then there's you. He didn't want to be alone so he grabbed onto you with a romantic 'but I always loved your scenario. 

But you weren't letting him keep his appearance to the world and his ex girlfriend. 

Then enough time passed. maybe the ex girlfriend found someone else... who knows.  

But listen... this guy is not a catch. He talks like a catch but his words don't back it up.  He weaves the scenario to match his needs in the moment 

Never talk to this guy again. Use it as a lesson.  Be more protective of your heart and feelings. 

Is a guy, that had a girlfriend for years,  but was really in love with you, the whole time, a good guy?

NO!

I'd start there. think about why this would even be attractive to you. 

 

You are right! When being in the middle of it all with your heart being into it as well its not always easy to over see. I can believe people can idealise a relationship with someone else because their current one didn't give enough pleasure. Anyways, definitely not worth it. Really dont appreciate the fake promises, further more prove he isnt right though. Thank you!

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3 hours ago, JoyceVib said:

I get the idea of being a rebound, but after knowing each other for four years, sharing many interests and the same look on life, deep conversation and from my side at least genuinely caring, how can someone say these words about never feeling this connection before, being sure he wants to be with me then jumping right into another relationship and making that public

Because he was, unfortunately, just looking for a soft cushion to fall on while he transitioned into being single. I think something told him you would be a safe bet and he went for it, without thining much of how it might affect you. 

I can understand why you're hurt and disappointed. But now you know he's not the good dude you thought he was.  

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1 hour ago, JoyceVib said:

You are right! When being in the middle of it all with your heart being into it as well its not always easy to over see. I can believe people can idealise a relationship with someone else because their current one didn't give enough pleasure. Anyways, definitely not worth it. Really dont appreciate the fake promises, further more prove he isnt right though. Thank you!

It does hurt because we want to believe people and we want love.  I have been there and I've watched others believe the unbelievable, all with good intentions. 

And I know what it feels like to think you are the one missing out... but his journey is his. he owns the things he did and does. try not to internalize. 

Find ways to enjoy your life and day just as it is... knowing this too shall pass.

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Good for you for seeing through it and not going through so easily with everything he said and for questioning his methods. He was using you to distract from himself. I doubt he goes for therapy now that he's dating someone new (a distraction and form of validation, what he needs to feel good about himself). Count this over. 

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6 hours ago, JoyceVib said:

When being in the middle of it all with your heart being into it as well its not always easy to over see. I can believe people can idealise a relationship with someone else because their current one didn't give enough pleasure.

Yup 😞 Been there.. led on.  The push & pull - their uncertainty.. So selfish!

So, was from you, onto another gal for a while.. tried again with you ( with a bunch of bs talk.. only to pull away again.

He does need some prof help- he's all over the place.. Well, Good luck to this new one.. ha.

Clock this up as an experience, you don't want again.

 

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