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Beautiful beginning with a horrible end..


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I am struggling with a break up and Im trying to figure out what exactly my role in it was..and trust me I know there were things I did wrong. So..it started out great and on my part I was a hundred percent real about who and what I was..I was a recovering addict..a father of 3 and still had a great co parenting relationship with the mother. She lead me to believe she was on the same type of path I was on of spirituality and happiness..but things changed after some time I was no longer allowed to have phone conversations or in person conversations with the kids mother regarding anything including the children. And going anywhere with out her became a problem. I felt completely isolated..but my fault was allowing this to happen.. instead of saying anything about my unhappiness with everything I left her for the mother of my kids..for a short time anyway..she told me she was pregnant and I went back..when I returned days later she miscarried..but we tried to work it out anyhow now having talked everything through as far as the things that made us unhappy..but  she became even more controlling  after that..which I understood some aspects..and I loved her so I allowed it out of guilt and remose for having left...but then her personality was much different the drinking and going out til 5 am.. became to much I felt like my recovery had no bearing in her life and I made it well known that to drink or drug for me was quite literally to die..and she refused to see my hurt in it..I gave her everything I had when I came back..it is just defeating to give your all and it not be enough..but then I think maybe that's exactly how she felt when I left..I guess I'm just trying to understand when's okay to let go and allow myself to be okay and forgive myself..for my role. 

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Sorry this happened. Focus on your recovery and co-parenting. You may need to be with someone who shares your desire for sober living.

You also need to stop the on/off with the kids mother. Get in with both feet or focus solely on co-parenting.

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1 hour ago, Michael4640 said:

things changed after some time I was no longer allowed to have phone conversations or in person conversations with the kids mother regarding anything including the children. And going anywhere with out her became a problem. I felt completely isolated

- That, was not right!  You have every right to speak with your kids mother- about your kids.

 

1 hour ago, Michael4640 said:

instead of saying anything about my unhappiness with everything I left her for the mother of my kids..for a short time anyway..she told me she was pregnant and I went back..

- This was no good (almost like her fears/assumptions were correct).

BUT, maybe internally you knew it wasn't right being with her so, you went back to something you were familiar with...?

 

1 hour ago, Michael4640 said:

I felt like my recovery had no bearing in her life and I made it well known that to drink or drug for me was quite literally to die..and she refused to see my hurt in it..I gave her everything I had when I came back..it is just defeating to give your all and it not be enough.

I feel, you two just weren't that compatible, with HER control issue's - then you walking away & back to your ex 😞  -- All is kinda toxic to your relationship, yes?

And what's happened now, has caused negative impact on whatever you two had.- What's done is done now.

Do try to make sure you do not go backwards!  Accept what is- that to get involved with either - will just end up more heartache...which will be no good for your own battles - so don't go there 😉 .

But, I do suggest you take some good down time to focus on yourself and all you have been through... work through it and get back to good.

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Work on you and stay sober. Find ways to be a bit more independent and don't overshare with your ex. 

I'm curious why your ex is willing to take you back? Does she want to reconcile with you? That back and forth between you and her will always come in the way of new relationships if you don't have proper boundaries. 

 

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Your part in it is that your self worth is too low to choose a mentally healthy partner right now. Subconsciously, one chooses who they think is worthy of them. You chose a controlling woman who has no respect for your role as a parent and acts like she's single, going out drinking to the wee hours.

Your first priority is your children, and you need to vow to never let anybody sabotage that. Your children didn't ask to be born. They need a parent who will be there for them and would die for them if need be. Not somebody who abandons them for a toxic romantic partner.

If you're in the first year of recovery, you're not supposed to take on anything new and major in your life, i.e. dating someone new, getting a pet, buying a house. Concentrate on your recovery, your children, and read books on how to boost your self-love. Only then might you get to the point where you can choose potential partners more wisely.

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2 hours ago, Michael4640 said:

I was no longer allowed to have phone conversations or in person conversations with the kids mother regarding anything including the children. And going anywhere with out her became a problem.

 

2 hours ago, Michael4640 said:

I left her for the mother of my kids

So her fears weren't unfounded. She didn't want you talking to your ex because she felt you and she were still attracted to one another...and you were!

I'm not seeing how this is her fault. I actually feel sorry for her, she got caught in the middle of you and your ex.

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1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

- That, was not right!  You have every right to speak with your kids mother- about your kids.

 

- This was no good (almost like her fears/assumptions were correct).

BUT, maybe internally you knew it wasn't right being with her so, you went back to something you were familiar with...?

 

I feel, you two just weren't that compatible, with HER control issue's - then you walking away & back to your ex 😞  -- All is kinda toxic to your relationship, yes?

And what's happened now, has caused negative impact on whatever you two had.- What's done is done now.

Do try to make sure you do not go backwards!  Accept what is- that to get involved with either - will just end up more heartache...which will be no good for your own battles - so don't go there 😉 .

But, I do suggest you take some good down time to focus on yourself and all you have been through... work through it and get back to good.

I really do believe in acceptance as the answer...I just don't know how yet..I'm fully aware of the fact that's it's toxic and negative..I don't believe she or I are bad people.. just bad together..yet I love her...I just can't be with her..and that's the hardest part.

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2 minutes ago, Michael464084 said:

I really do believe in acceptance as the answer...I just don't know how yet..I'm fully aware of the fact that's it's toxic and negative..I don't believe she or I are bad people.. just bad together..yet I love her...I just can't be with her..and that's the hardest part.

Why did you go back to your ex?

She had issue's - which affected you.

You also have issue's.

Yup, is always hard to work on accepting when stuff like this doesn't work. Hard to accept & let go- but sometime's, for our own well-being it is best.

 

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