Had a hookup, wish I didn't

[ilhhh]

Sooo I met this guy off an app and we talked for maybe a month or two. We talked pretty often and he really made me smile, we always planned on meeting up some day. Then when a day off work was available we took the opportunity to meet up and soon after meeting up we spent 2 hours in a hotel room and hooked up. After the hook up we cuddled and overall had a great time. But after getting home we started to speak less and less to each other. To the point that I asked if I did something wrong. He said I didn't and that he was just really busy lately. I figured I was over-reacting and apologized for overthinking. But now its been 3 days and neither of us have started a conversation with the other. I don't want him to just be a hookup and out of my life, but sadly I think he might have that in mind. I'm really not sure what to do. 

[Batya33]

Did you have fun having sex with him? Do you feel sooooo luck that he didn't rape or hurt you or invite others into a hotel room -you met a stranger for all practical/safety purposes and you consented to casual sex -it wasn't a date. A man who wants to go on a date with you doesn't meet you in a hotel room -you know that, right? You had a great time having sex, you hopefully aren't pregnant or have an STD, you weren't harmed or abused so please count your blessings.  Many people meet up once and decide not to meet again.  This guy had zero interest in dating you and you had zero interest in dating him or else you would have told him you wanted to meet in public and get to know him as a person.  If you did have interest in dating him that is not the impression you gave.  There's a much greater risk of being a one and done when you make yourself available to a stranger to meet up in a hotel room for sex.  I'm so glad you weren't harmed physically but I'd get tested ASAP for pregnancy and STDs.

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, ilhhh said:

 soon after meeting up we spent 2 hours in a hotel room and hooked up.  I don't want him to just be a hookup and out of my life, but sadly I think he might have that in mind. I'm really not sure what to do. 

Sorry this happened. All you can do is step back from this and move forward. It sounds like you wish to have a relationship, if that's the case get to know someone through some dating first .

[Rose Mosse]

You both treated each other that way (as a hook up) by jumping so quickly to sex. Please don't feel so bad about this or tell yourself you are 100% responsible for his actions. You are not. You are responsible only for yours and that is partaking in something that doesn't make you feel good. Don't worry so much about what he thinks or what he feels. Take care of yourself and all those things you're feeling right now. 

If you made a mistake, tell yourself you made a mistake and it's not happening again. The adrenaline kick was fun in the moment and it was spontaneous. The confusion afterwards.. not so much. 

Now worry about you and take care of you. Go to the doctor, get checked for STDs. If you have questions about birth control as you're sexually active, talk to your doctor. 

If he keeps telling you he's busy, don't talk with him. Let him talk to you. You don't need to keep asking him how he's feeling or if he's okay. Take care of yourself. 

[ilhhh]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Did you have fun having sex with him? Do you feel sooooo luck that he didn't rape or hurt you or invite others into a hotel room -you met a stranger for all practical/safety purposes and you consented to casual sex -it wasn't a date. A man who wants to go on a date with you doesn't meet you in a hotel room -you know that, right? You had a great time having sex, you hopefully aren't pregnant or have an STD, you weren't harmed or abused so please count your blessings.  Many people meet up once and decide not to meet again.  This guy had zero interest in dating you and you had zero interest in dating him or else you would have told him you wanted to meet in public and get to know him as a person.  If you did have interest in dating him that is not the impression you gave.  There's a much greater risk of being a one and done when you make yourself available to a stranger to meet up in a hotel room for sex.  I'm so glad you weren't harmed physically but I'd get tested ASAP for pregnancy and STDs.

Thank you, also we made sure to use protection and I watched him call the hotel right in front of me. While also having my friend be around in the area in case of anything. 

[ilhhh]

I forgot to mention this but we used protection of course

[DancingFool]

36 minutes ago, ilhhh said:

Thank you, also we made sure to use protection and I watched him call the hotel right in front of me. While also having my friend be around in the area in case of anything. 

Good that you used protection.

Other than that, a guy who will get a hotel room to have sex with you wasn't looking for a date from the get go, he was looking to get laid. It worked out for the both you in that respect, just be clear with yourself that this sort of stuff is not going to be a prelude to a relationship.

As for safety, please do not confuse the illusion of safety with actually being safe. You went to a hotel room with a stranger and any number of things could have gone sideways. Your friend being in the area could not possibly help you with any of that let alone protect you. Even if sex was consensual, realize that you still could have been raped and harmed if he was into some weird stuff that you are not into or don't find acceptable and there is no way for your friend to come help you or rescue you. So please, be sure that you understand the risk you are taking and don't soothe yourself with a false sense of security. That can end really badly for you.

If you are looking for a relationship, then date. In public, no hotels, no meeting at his house too soon, etc. Get to know a person before you jump further and be sure you don't text so much that you start to get smitten and attached to words on the screen. Date in real life, see them, spend time with them, meet their friends, etc. Learn who you  are actually dealing with and what they really want. Don't fall for a few words and some sweet nothing chit chat online.

[MissCanuck]

He was just looking for a hook-up. 

Or maybe he's not actually single. Or both. 

Whose idea was it to get a hotel room? What was the plan before you actually met up? 

[melancholy123]

I think this was a one time hook up.  Be glad you didnt get hurt and hopefully not pregnant or get any STDs.  Learn from this and dont be so fast to jump in bed with a stranger, which is what he was.

[smackie9]

Talking for two months is not dating. Your first meet up was to have sex...that's all he wanted. He's done. Why talk to you for 2 months? probably had other hookups, and other women he was chatting with. Same old same old.

[Tinydance]

I think you need to really think about what you're looking for in dating. I think the reason why you're upset is because deep down you're not really looking for a hookup but for some reason you did that. It's OK to say no to things, you don't have to jump straight to sex just because both you and that guy happened to have one day free to meet. Of course he just wanted sex because he only spent two hours with you then straight away wanted to go to the hotel. Just talking online doesn't really tell you anything about him because he could be lying or hiding things. Basically you hardly knew him at all. 

I think if you want a hookup by all means you can do it but then you can't actually say you wish it wasn't just a hookup. Because clearly it was from the start and the guy wouldn't change his mind to date you later. So that's why he's not talking much now. He got what he came for and that's all.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, ilhhh said:

Thank you, also we made sure to use protection and I watched him call the hotel right in front of me. While also having my friend be around in the area in case of anything. 

Protection can fail and how would your friend get to your hotel room in time -assuming you could call her and tell her you were in danger? So - you felt it was risky enough to need a friend to be in the area but you were willing to risk being alone and naked with a stranger having intercourse?

[lostandhurt]

Question:  Who brought the condoms?

If he did what does that tell you?

When the first meet was discussed what did you two talk about?  Lunch?  Drinks?  Dinner? or sex?

Lost

[Spawn]

you need to let this go, it just went way too fast for both of you. He wasn't looking for anything else being busy is not a reason here. if you are looking for a serious relationship you will need to put some time in knowing each other. Sometimes people just are involved casually, they might be just out of a relationship or sulking in some relationship, cheating, vulnerable, hurt, the bloody heart is not in the right place. Best thing you can do here is that accept its over and move on. Take some time off meanwhile do your own thing, let this pass.

[Sabrina918]

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Sometimes the build up in our heads is so exciting that after the experience (as great as it could’ve been) we’re underwhelmed? Or we were expecting something else? Or he’s undecided? Or he’s a lost cause? LOL
 

but I speak of experience, there isn’t much too mourn! The sooner you’re able to put this behind you, the better. 🙂 

[Hollyj]

Did you go on any sort of date, or was your date an afternoon of sex?  Not smart.  You didn't know who this guy was.   Do you usually "date" this way?

All he wanted was sex, this is clear by his actions.  If you are looking for a relationship, consider dating for a few months, then sleep with them.  

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Spawn said:

you need to let this go, it just went way too fast for both of you. He wasn't looking for anything else being busy is not a reason here. if you are looking for a serious relationship you will need to put some time in knowing each other. Sometimes people just are involved casually, they might be just out of a relationship or sulking in some relationship, cheating, vulnerable, hurt, the bloody heart is not in the right place. Best thing you can do here is that accept its over and move on. Take some time off meanwhile do your own thing, let this pass.

I wouldn't assume this -he might find it fun to have sex with a stranger in a hotel room -and that's his choice -she went along with it and that was her choice.  Now she regrets her choice.  It may or may not have been too fast for him, who knows what he was feeling or thinking -perhaps he was feeling horny and thinking "she's cute, she'd be fun to have sex with, there's a hotel nearby so nothing wrong in asking".  It really can be as simple as that. And since she went along with it her now backpedaling and reading into it/analyzing why he doesn't want to meet up for sex again makes little sense.  Their typing and talking beforehand is irrelevant to whether he was interested in dating her in person. 

He wasn't interested in dating her in person.  He was interested in having intercourse with her at a hotel for a fun one time thing.  Luckily he treated her with  respect and used protection.  Very lucky for her.  Hopefully she is not pregnant/doesn't have an STD (or covid I guess).  I would't assume anything negative about his behavior and choices including his choices to use the typical busy excuse when someone doesn't want to meet up again (and they had no official first date -they met in person and hung out and had sex).  I do assume her behavior and choices were highly risky to her well being -it's concerning.  

[Rose Mosse]

18 hours ago, ilhhh said:

I forgot to mention this but we used protection of course

I hope you realize that some STDs such as herpes, HPV and syphilis can still be transmitted using condoms. I would see your doctor and get a full check up for any STDs. Unfortunately people may not even know they have them and you don't know this person very well. 

It's one appointment with a gyno or family doctor and it's not painful or a hassle. A few minutes of your time for a great deal of peace of mind. 

[Andrina]

There are never guarantees considering if a guy who you want to see again wants the same. However the odds this will happen will be a whole lot more likely if a guy has asked to meet you regularly over a period of a month or two, finding out about you and enjoying your company before intimacy.

Always meet in public until deciding he's a good bet, because yeah, when you share chemistry, your willpower might get the best of you when in private. Because often, a woman is upset for having given the gift of her body too soon, but she rarely says, "Damn, I'm sorry I waited so long." When a guy wants longterm, he has the patience to wait. When he doesn't want longterm, he'll lose patience and go after an easier target.

It takes 4 minutes to strangle someone, and you think a friend is Superman with the ability to intuit you're in trouble and crash through a hotel room window? Ted Bundy was a good looking guy. Once he'd lured a woman into the car, she'd see the handle was broken off on her passenger door. No escape. He'd drive up to an isolated area on the mountain. If you're not educated about stranger danger, start being aware now. And condoms can break. Wouldn't you prefer finding a longterm partner and showing each other your STD results, showing neither has AIDS or other dangerous maladies? You will regret being lackadaisical about your safety and health. Vow to do better for your one precious life on the planet.

[indea08]

22 hours ago, ilhhh said:

Sooo I met this guy off an app and we talked for maybe a month or two. We talked pretty often and he really made me smile, we always planned on meeting up some day. Then when a day off work was available we took the opportunity to meet up and soon after meeting up we spent 2 hours in a hotel room and hooked up. After the hook up we cuddled and overall had a great time. But after getting home we started to speak less and less to each other. To the point that I asked if I did something wrong. He said I didn't and that he was just really busy lately. I figured I was over-reacting and apologized for overthinking. But now its been 3 days and neither of us have started a conversation with the other. I don't want him to just be a hookup and out of my life, but sadly I think he might have that in mind. I'm really not sure what to do. 

So I’m a little against the general consensus here. The others likely have more experience with dating in today’s world than I do, so keep that in mind. But I did at least want to offer you an alternative perspective.

First, ask yourself if the conversation were continuing with the same liveliness as prior to your meet up, would you still feel regret? If yes, then casual hookups aren’t for you. If not, then you should participate in continuing this further. You say neither of you has reached out for 3 days? Go ahead and reach out about a specific event you want to do with him, on a specific day, at a specific time, maybe two weeks in advance. I understand that some women prefer the man to initiate in the beginning, but you don’t have to wait around on him. It’s okay to go after what you want!

I don’t think having sex too early is always a bad thing. Sure, more times than not it ends up as a dead end, but it doesn’t always happen that way. I actually think it’s pretty cool to be able to experience casual sex, friendship, dating, relationship sex, falling in love, and in-love sex all with the same person. As long as you can recognize which stage you’re in, and keep your expectations realistic to that stage, it’s very possible.

So with this guy, you’re currently in the casual stage. Noticing that his communication has dropped is okay, but saying something to him about it probably wasn’t the best idea, but you did apologize. So right now, just keep a “casual” mindset. This phase is fun, exciting, a little scary. Enjoy it for what it is. You can always pursue a few more dates where you get to learn more about each other to decide if you want to move on to the next phase. You’re a strong, independent, charismatic woman and it should take an equally strong, independent, and charismatic man to make you want to move to the next phase. Does he make the cut?