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Is it me in the wrong or is it his sister?


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Hi everyone. 

I need some advice. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now, and since we got together his sister in my opinion has been crazy. I understand that this could well just be me, but I guess I want some opinions on this situation from an outsider, and if anyone has experienced this before, some advice! 
 

It actually started on our first date, we got to the end of it and his sister was picking him up and he said to me “if I were you, I wouldn’t wait around whilst my sister picks me up, she doesn’t really like you.... well she probably will as long as you.... in her words “know your place””. So I was a bit taken back by this but I didn’t think to much of it, but I didn’t understand why she wouldn’t like me, I had never met him before, let alone her.

Time went on and stuff started to get strange. We had planned that I would go over to his house and have a meal with his family for his birthday which I was looking forward to, I bought a balloon to take for him, and cake etc. And anyways she decided that I couldn’t come and she “designated” me a day which (with our schedules) was a whole week after his birthday 😞 it upset me but I didn’t say too much (everything that she says comes from my bf, me and her have only spoken a few times and it’s been pleasant). 
 

She then broke up with her boyfriend and then refused to let my boyfriend see me because it “wasn’t fair”, so me and my boyfriend couldn’t see eachother for a while. And when I finally just said to my boyfriend how upset this is making me, he said that he can “see where she’s coming from, it must be hard that we see eachother but she can’t see her ex”. 
 

A more crazy one of her moves was that she was wearing a piece of underwear, and she took it off and pretended it wasn’t hers and made my boyfriend ask me if it was mine. She then proceeded to say that I have diseases etc so refused to touch it and she PUT ON A MASK. I told him it wasn’t mine and she said “maybe it is mine actually”?????? I told my boyfriend it upset me that she believes I have diseases and pulled this stunt and he said that he was sorry but there’s nothing he can do about it because it is what she is like as a person. 
 

Anyways, on NYE, I went over there and no one spoke to me for the whole evening, other than my boyfriend. His mum, sister and sisters friend would walk off upstairs and then call my boyfriend and then I would be sat downstairs for 30 mins at a time and if I tried to go up there I was told to leave as they were having “private conversations”.

I am at the end of my tether with this. Any advice please!! By the way, me and my boyfriend are 21 and his sister is 23.

My birthday is coming up, and she says that he can’t see me. 

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She has also said on occasions that she would like to hit me etc, and this was my boyfriend that told me this. 
I went over to the house once, and as I was walking up the stairs, I heard her saying to her mum that she said that she would like to “f—-ing punch me”, my boyfriend was already upstairs and I told him the other day that I wasn’t sure but I thought she had said this and he dismissed it and said “it sound like something she would say” and then laughed. 

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I am very sorry that you have been treated this way by your boyfriend and his family. His sister is out of line, but there are two accomplices: your boyfriend for tolerating and complying with her dictating his life, and well...you, because you accept to be treated this way, so basically you comply with her demands too.

There are family dynamics that you cannot change, and your boyfriend seems to be comfortable with it. He expects you to accept unacceptable treatment. And you do, but you do not seem happy and you look a bit confused, not being able to discern right from wrong. The short answer is that yes, the sister is in the wrong, but so is your boyfriend for complying with her demands and you, as well for accepting to be treated this way. It is a pity that you invested one year of your time, I suggest you cut your losses and find a man who is not whipped by his sister and who will treat you with respect.

Edited by East4
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42 minutes ago, Molly-marie said:

 my boyfriend that told me this. 

Talk to your family about this. At some level you know that your BF is the problem. And you've known that since the first date. 

It's doesn't matter how crazy his family is. What matters is why are you continuing this insanity?

Cut your losses. End it then delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

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Yeah, NOTHING in the household is normal!

I would not even step foot in there after the first couple instances.

He said this.. he said that.. Nope, not goin' there! 😞 

No matter what, if SHE is so messed up!  AND has her whole family following her drama etc.. Stay away from it all.

Be nothing but issue's forever!  Avoid such a toxic family- for your own mentality.

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It's not about his sister at all.  It's about your boyfriend tolerating his family threatening you and treating you disrespectfully.  Surely you've told him you're not tolerating that kind of treatment and he needs to step in as the family member?  What does he say?

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Girl listen. Who you pick as your life partner will have a HUGE impact on your quality of life and your happiness. That is why it is so important to spend the time dating to learn what makes you happy and what your dealbreakers are.

This situation is so messed up that I almost didn’t believe it was real. What kind of 23 year old guy let’s his sister dictate his life like this?? When you imagine your ideal future, married a few years, couple kids running around, what does it look like? I’m sure it doesn’t look like this. Walk away, and keep waiting for the guy who will work with you to create the life you deserve.

Not everyone we meet is meant to stay in our lives forever. Many were meant to teach us something, and once their part is complete, we should let them head on down the road. Time to tell boyfriend that you aren’t settling for this and good luck finding a decent woman who will tolerate his creepy family dynamics.

Edited by indea08
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You're just as crazy as them if you stay one second longer in this toxic environment. There are zero reasons you should tolerate being regularly treated like this, no matter the circumstances. I'm sure you're bf is attractive and you care about him. That's not enough to deal with oppressive insanity. There are sane, cute guys out there to date who either don't have toxic families or if they do, have placed boundaries whereas their partner feels safe when around them. I suggest finding one of them to date. 

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If I was you and my date told me to run before his sister got there because she's cray cray hates me already...I would run for the flippin hills and there wouldn't be a second date....get away from him and them. You are an adult, can't you see this is a huge problem that isn't going to go away? run forest run!

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You met his parents? What did you think of them? Where's the father?

The brother and sister are behaving strangely but I'm curious what you thought of the rest of his family.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It's not about his sister at all.  It's about your boyfriend tolerating his family threatening you and treating you disrespectfully.  Surely you've told him you're not tolerating that kind of treatment and he needs to step in as the family member?  What does he say?

Not sure if my reply you you posted just now. He says that she treats him badly too so I’m not alone, like she will kick off over little things that he says etc. He just says that there’s nothing he can do and that she just hates everyone and I’m no different. He says he can see where she is coming from in the sense that we shouldn’t be meeting whilst she is going through a breakup. 

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1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

You met his parents? What did you think of them? Where's the father?

The brother and sister are behaving strangely but I'm curious what you thought of the rest of his family.

Father isn’t in the picture. Mother seems to defend what his sister says and does and takes her side when my boyfriend is upset etc. 

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4 hours ago, indea08 said:

Girl listen. Who you pick as your life partner will have a HUGE impact on your quality of life and your happiness. That is why it is so important to spend the time dating to learn what makes you happy and what your dealbreakers are.

This situation is so messed up that I almost didn’t believe it was real. What kind of 23 year old guy let’s his sister dictate his life like this?? When you imagine your ideal future, married a few years, couple kids running around, what does it look like? I’m sure it doesn’t look like this. Walk away, and keep waiting for the guy who will work with you to create the life you deserve.

Not everyone we meet is meant to stay in our lives forever. Many were meant to teach us something, and once their part is complete, we should let them head on down the road. Time to tell boyfriend that you aren’t settling for this and good luck finding a decent woman who will tolerate his creepy family dynamics.

Oh gosh if I wasn’t in this situation, I wouldn’t believe it either!! It gets stranger by the day. The thing is, he’s a really great guy in the way he treats me (this aside) so I try and shrug off his sisters actions but recently it’s getting to the point where things are just so incredibly crazy. 
 

Writing this has made me sit back and actually process all of the things that have happened with her. There’s lots more that I haven’t mentioned. Like, I’m not allowed to pet the dogs or cat. 

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Again, he allows this behavior. By not objecting he is giving tacit approval. 

Knowing things will not change, how does a lifetime of him allowing his family to dictate your relationship sound?

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dump this dude. he's a horrible partner that has a weird relationship with his family.

In what world is your relationship fair or unfair in relation to his sister having a relationship?

 that right there shows dude is not really playing with a full deck.

you can find better. 

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1 hour ago, Molly-marie said:

Father isn’t in the picture. Mother seems to defend what his sister says and does and takes her side when my boyfriend is upset etc. 

I think there's something wrong with his sister and the brother and mother are enabling her, cushioning the blow of whatever comes at her in life. You don't know his family too well it seems if this confuses you. They're protecting her for a reason. There's a very unhealthy dynamic if it results in poor relationships with others. 

Your bf is just following suit and hasn't yet been able to form a backbone if he still lives at home with mum or is dependent on her for shelter or finances. 

I'd let go. All you need to know is that it's not for you. I'm sorry you got sucked into this twilight zone. 

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Your boyfriend is just as much as a nutcase as his sister since he allows her to manipulate him, his household and you. 

This problem will not go away.  It's time to get a new boyfriend replacement. 

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5 hours ago, Molly-marie said:

Not sure if my reply you you posted just now. He says that she treats him badly too so I’m not alone, like she will kick off over little things that he says etc. He just says that there’s nothing he can do

No, he chooses to do nothing.

There is nothing holding him captive to his sister.  And if he honestly believes she is in control then you don't want to be with him.  Yes, the sister is crazy.  But her brother is drinking the crazy kool aid too.

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You need to feel like your life partner feels you are a priority. How can you ever feel like that when he priorities you below the wants of his family? 
 

You need a partner who doesn’t abandon you downstairs by yourself in a hostile household. 
 

Also to do yourself a favour and never give that family your precious time again, they don’t deserve your company 

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15 hours ago, Molly-marie said:

Oh gosh if I wasn’t in this situation.

Is this an arranged marriage situation?

Are you going to be forced by your family to be with him?

You seem to think they're all crazy, so why are you continuing?

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She wouldn't even be a problem if you would clearly look at BF and how he's using her to manipulate you.

Everything you hear comes from him. And nobody in his right mind would tell you these things. He sounds sick.

I'd dump him. Fast.

Edited by catfeeder
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On 2/25/2021 at 2:12 PM, Molly-marie said:

Not sure if my reply you you posted just now. He says that she treats him badly too so I’m not alone, like she will kick off over little things that he says etc. He just says that there’s nothing he can do and that she just hates everyone and I’m no different. He says he can see where she is coming from in the sense that we shouldn’t be meeting whilst she is going through a breakup. 

That is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. How can you see a future?  What are you thinking!  Do not allow anyone to treat you like this.  Dump this weirdo, he will never have your back.

Edited by Hollyj
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