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Would appreciate advice for the anxiety I'm experiencing about this


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Hi all. I posted a topic a few weeks ago about the breakup I had with my ex now almost a month ago:  https://www.enotalone.com/topic/444738-very-unsure-about-what-happened-in-my-relationshipbreakup-would-greatly-appreciate-opinionsadvice/?tab=comments#comment-5656250

For anyone who didn't read it, I had to relocate because of the pandemic (about an hour away), and my boyfriend at the time broke up with me about 3 weeks into being away. He gave me the 'it's not you, it's me' and that he wants to work on himself spiel. I asked him if this would be happening if I was there, to which he paused, so I believe there were some distance factors involved. I do believe there are some insecurities within him also which are not my job to address (but I do still very much care and I don't mean for that to sound insensitive).

The reason I'm posting now is because I am relocating back to that area next week. I haven't told him that I'm coming back (we haven't had any communication at all about the relationship or breakup, only to sort out some money that has now been returned, and that was very much like a business transaction), but because of news coverage surrounding the pandemic, he'll know that I'm coming back. On the day it was announced when I would need to go back, I experienced a lot of anxiety, particularly when trying to sleep that night. I think it's because I'm concerned about what could potentially happen when I'm back e.g. he contacts me. I would just like to mention that the breakup (although I was upset at the time it happened) was not messy, there were no messy arguments/conversations after it, we've just not talked about it. It concerns me that if distance was a significant factor, that he may try to reach out, whether to be nice or to try and instigate a meetup. The communication we had about the money exchange was brief, but still 'nice', there haven't been any disagreements so I would say at this moment in time, I'd describe things as civil and amicable.

I'm basically just experiencing some anxiety about returning to my flat. I'm used to seeing him when I'm there and being in regular communication, and going back to an empty flat is something that is starting to worry and upset me. I know that I'll get over this, and posting on this forum and offering advice in other people's topics has helped greatly. I know the obvious is to just block him, but I find that a bit off, especially as breakups go, our's was not super messy. I did remove him from all social media though the day following the breakup.

Anyone have any thoughts or advice on how I could help myself here? Or how I should be if he did reach out (for reference, I honestly don't know how I feel about seeing him in person at this moment in time, but my mind leads towards it not being a good idea)?

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31 minutes ago, artsygirl said:

broke up with me about 3 weeks into being away. He gave me the 'it's not you, it's me' and that he wants to work on himself spiel.

- Remember this reason he gave you.

You have to meet up only re: moneys?  Then don't  expect more.

As for your apt, can you not stay where you are now?  Do you need to go back there?

As for 'friendship'.  Don't give him that.. is hard enough trying to accept & get over it all 😞 .  In order to work on accepting & healing. NC is the way.  Good to remove him from all social media.

 

Edited by SooSad33
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1 minute ago, SooSad33 said:

- Remember this reason he gave you.

You have to meet up only re: moneys?  Then don't  expect more.

As for your apt, can you not stay where you are now?  Do you need to go back there?

As for 'friendship'.  Don't give him that.. is hard enough trying to accept & get over it all 😞 .  In order to work on accepting & healing. NC is the way.  Good to remove him from all social media.

 

Thanks SooSad33. No, the money has been dealt with now, we did bank transfer, I just needed to get his account details which is why we stayed in communication regarding that.

And yes, I do have to go back, unfortunately 😞 my job requires me to return working face to face again. We don't work together or anything, but my profession was mentioned specifically on the news as being one that had to return to work, so he knows I'll be coming back

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Ohh k, so no more probs re money?  So, that's out of the way...

When you go back.. try to change your mindset.. Go back there and focus on YOU ❤️ ... Make your place your own again.. get comfy and focus on going back to work... that's all.

Just keep fighting it.. This is YOUR life.. that is YOUR home.. This guy has bowed out.  Give him nothing more.

No reason to talk, right?

Just keep fighting it all..  You were okay before him?  You will be okay after him 😉 

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12 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Ohh k, so no more probs re money?  So, that's out of the way...

When you go back.. try to change your mindset.. Go back there and focus on YOU ❤️ ... Make your place your own again.. get comfy and focus on going back to work... that's all.

Just keep fighting it.. This is YOUR life.. that is YOUR home.. This guy has bowed out.  Give him nothing more.

No reason to talk, right?

Just keep fighting it all..  You were okay before him?  You will be okay after him 😉 

Thank you so much, SooSad33. I really appreciate this 🙂 just words of encouragement. I know I'll be ok in the end, even though it's hard at the moment 💔 🙂 

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Yes... it does hurt 😞  Always is hard for a while - been there... a cpl times.

We learn.. learn self respect... learn self love/self care. 

sadly, we do not always work out & have to work on accepting that.

I've been single a good while and am totally fine with that!  Don't get involved and I won;t get hurt, lol.  Been thru enough.

Nowadays, I have my small circle, do my own thing & have a cpl pets- which keep me company.

I journal, I binge watch my shows.. get lost in my music, do crafts etc.. Do you have a few friends around there?  Maybe get a kittin or something?

 

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I'd leave some room for all those emotions and if you have plans with friends and family that same day I'd make room for wanting to be on your own if that ends up being the case. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to do a lot of errands that same day. Do the minimal, get yourself sorted like groceries and make yourself comfortable beforehand so stop at the shop before you go to the flat. Prepare to order in food otherwise and give yourself some room. It won't happen in a day or two days or even three days but eventually over some weeks you'll be able to adjust slowly.

I don't know how helpful it is having him around so it's best he keeps his distance. Since he already knows you're back in town let him know that you'll get in touch with him to sort the things out within the month of March for example. It gives the other person a timeline or something tangible if there's anything you have to work out but it also means some room to breathe for now. 

This is an opportunity for you to start fresh even if it's an old apartment that you might have shared with someone else. Things will come together slowly. Just wait and see. Give yourself time.

 

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Rather than thinking about the "empty flat" focus on making it a warm home for YOU. Changing up some things, adding some small items that make you feel good and cozy is the key here. Reclaim your space and really make it something you look forward to coming to after a day at work - a place to relax, unwind, be cozy in. Simple things like a cozy throw and some cheerful pillows on the couch can make a huge difference. Doesn't even have to be huge or expensive. Sometimes it's just all in the small details. A sunny pic on the wall.

As for the guy.....if an hour "distance" broke up your relationship....there wasn't much there, at least not on his side. If you constantly have to be tied at the hip to maintain a relationship, you don't have much of a relationship, just a toxic and weak codependence. Food for thought. It's the sort of a thing where even if he came back begging on his knees, I'd say NO. He is not someone you can count on at all. You can't even call an hour distance as distance or hardship. I'd just say good bye and good riddance here and move on.

Focus on making your place yours, focus on your job, focus on everything other than him. He isn't worth it.

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